Diary of a Drow: Days 1 & 2

I have discovered that the one who healed me is a half-giant named Frank. This displeases me because giants are scum. But then again, he healed me and saved my life, so I feel I owe him at least some debt of gratitude. He’s traveling with a dark-skinned, dreadlocked halfling named Hakim. “I’m half-giant, quarter-Ling,” Frank claims. I’m not sure if I want to know which one was which. I feel bad for the mother either way.

I join their group and we’re out hunting in the jungle. We hear noises and spot the nose of what appears to be a dog sticking out over a bush. “Heeeeere doggy doggy,” Hakim calls, holding out some jerky. Ok, so it turns out to be a gnoll. And a shifter. The shifter does not look terribly friendly. They whisper something about trying to scare us, so I shoot an arrow into the tree next to the shifter. Bad move. A fight ensues and we almost kill each other. Frank is bleeding out on the ground, and I am nearing death myself. I have no idea where the halfling went.

We declare a truce and end up realizing that we have the common goal of hunting in this jungle. The shifter heals Frank (nothing like a spear to the gut!). Once we’ve made our niceties (the gnoll gave me a mango), we decide to venture on together.

As we travel we see a black kobold running for its life, chased by two worgs. The worgs kill the kobold and we kill the worgs. The worgs have a taint about them and Hakim realizes that they are mage-bred with some sort of necromantic magic. Super. I’m more concerned with the fact that if we cut the paws off this kobold and bring them to the red kobold camp just a short walk from here, that we can trade for something valuable. Anything, really.

Frank decides that seeing as I’m cutting off paws, he wants the head. He hacks away until the head comes off and then pops it on to the top of his staff. Henceforth, whenever we meet anyone, his introduction is, “Hi, I’m Frank” and then in a squeaky voice “and I’m Daisy!”

OOC: During this fight, I realize that I have 2 hit points because nobody has bothered to heal me. I climb 10 feet up a tree and just hang out until it’s over. Frank wants to heal me, but DM says “You gotta be able to touch her to heal her. She’s 10 ft up a tree.”

Frank: “Um, I’m a half-giant and I’m 8 feet tall.”
DM: “Doesn’t matter.”
Frank: “What’s my reach?”

DM: “5 feet.”

Frank: “And 8 plus 5 is… MORE THAN 10!! I should be able to touch her foot at least! Heck, I should be able to slap her ass from here!”

DM: “Nope.”

Frank ends up climbing the tree himself to heal me.

We sleep, and in the morning I awake to see Frank and Eko praying to the head of the Daisy. The dog is glancing up at the head, both reverent and terrified. I don’t want to know. I really don’t. I eat another mango and wait for everyone to be ready to venture on.

I have paws in my bag and am eager to get to the red kobold camp to sell them. There is no better feeling than knowing you can make a profitable deal. But these idiots are milling around, hemming and hawing about where they want to go. Finally I turn on my heels and start walking in the direction of the red camp. “I’m going to sell these paws. If you’re coming, now would be the time to follow me.” And follow they did. Men. Sheesh.

We are met on the road by a scouting party of red kobolds that greet me with the combination of deference and fear that is suiting of a lady of my people. They will trade us the paws for information on how to get to a cave where we can find more black kobolds. We make the trade. Frank waxes poetic about how we will slay all the black ones, bring back their paws in a fortnight and be champions for their people. They cheer and are enamored by him. If they only knew how quickly that charisma wears off when you’re with him every hour of every day.

If he hadn’t saved me, I swear…

At any rate, it is time to camp and rest. In the morning it is off to find this cave, slay more black kobolds, and hopefully have enough paws to trade for something really nice. Maybe a ticket out of this insanity.

Mar’Kessa

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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