Geek’s Dream Girl presents Minis Seeking Love, the Dungeons of Dread edition. I picked up a box of these and thought that it would be fun to write up personal ads from the point of view (charisma and intelligence!) of the minis involved. Here’s what happened…
“Why am I here?”
Level 2 Kobold Archer
Small Natural Humanoid
seeking Kobold female, level 1 – 4
in the Borderlands or the Wild
I not strong, smart, or handsome. I scared a lot. But I notice stuff b4 anyone and as long as I shoot first, I can do lots of hurt on the battlefield. At least until they start shooting back. Oh heck, I’m wimpy. Maybe that’s why I doing internet dating instead of finding female in the real world… are you still reading this? I not be surprised if you don’t email.
“I will make you cry out for your god!”
Level 3 Orc Raider
Medium Natural Humanoid
seeking Orc female, Level 5-8
in the Borderlands
I’m looking for a cougar. Young orc females can’t keep up with me. I want an older one with experience who can appreciate my strength and endurance. I’m a seasoned fighter and need a female (you!) who can clean the blood and entrails from my battleaxe every night. I look good in (and out!) of my armor. I exploit the weaknesses of my enemies and every night when I go to sleep (with you!) I know that Gruumsh is pleased with me. You know you want a piece of this – email me soon.
“I dance good.”
Level 4 Giant Centipede
Medium Natural Beast
seeking Centipede females, all levels
in the Underdark or the Wild
You want me to be the father of your children because I scuttle fast. I put my stuff in this web here and I’m dancing. Wriggle wriggle. We don’t need relashonship. You just come to web, see dance, eat my stuff, make my babies. I waiting. I the one with orange belly and hot dance moves.
(Centipede mating does not involve copulation. Males deposit a spermatophore for the female to take up. In one clade, this spermatophore is deposited in a web, and the male undertakes a courtship dance to encourage the female to engulf his sperm. – Wikipedia)
“Buy me a drink? I prefer sucked, not stirred.”
Level 6 Vampire Spawn
Medium Natural Humanoid (Undead)
seeking Vampire Males, levels 5-9
seeking all races, all levels
in Civilization or the Underdark
Being a vampire has its advantages and disadvantages. Sure, it’s great to be undead, but it’s hard to find someone you want to spend eternity with, y’know? It’s not like humans – they only need to tolerate their mate for 40 or 50 years. Try not getting annoyed with someone’s little foibles after a few centuries together. Sorry, I’m not bitter. I’m easily distracted by the scent of blood, so if we’re on a dinner date and someone at the next table has a papercut, the conversation will go out the window. I am also a licensed massage therapist looking for new clients. For some reason, people say my massage is the last one they’ll ever need…
“My favorite meal is second breakfast – what’s yours?”
Level 7 Halfling Paladin
Small Natural Humanoid
seeking Halfling hermaphrodites, levels 4-7
I’m looking for a beautiful short and stout hermaphrodite who worships Arvoreen. My faith is important to me and it should be important to my mate as well. I have accepted that my god has provided me with both breasts and a man-like physique and am hoping to find someone similar. I’m very protective and loyal to my friends and am pretty much fearless. Battling the forces of Evil is my purpose in life – nothing feels better than landing a vindicating blow on an orc or vampire and watching it crumple to the ground. I will only rest when my lands are free of evil. Care to join me on the battlefield, or would you rather be the smiling face that greets me when I get home and rubs my aching feet?
“Seeking beautiful priestess of the Spider Queen.”
Level 8 Drow Spiderguard
Medium Natural Humanoid
seeking Drow females, any level
in the Borderlands or the Underdark
I’m a spiderguard and my Frostburn Longsword has been the death of many of Lolth’s enemies. I’m strong, quick, and pretty handsome, if you don’t mind me saying so. I’m looking for a priestess who needs a mate and defender. I promise to always uphold your honor and never be an embarrassment to you, your house, or our children. My mother is a powerful priestess and my greatest hope is to find a priestess of my own that I can honor. I can provide you many daughters to bring glory and power to your house. Of course, it is all up to you. I am at your mercy and welcome your email, should you choose to send one.
“My plane or yours?”
Level 11 Shade Knight
Medium Shadow Humanoid
seeking shade females, level 5-11
in the Underdark
Baby, let me put my Aura of Shadow around us so we can be alone for some quality time. Don’t let my greatsword scare you! I am a fearsome champion and fearless leader, but you can see right through to my heart. I want nothing more than to pick you up and carry you somewhere we can be alone. (I already said that, but really, I need some alone time! All this battling makes a guy tired!) Let’s go somewhere dark where we are the only people who can see each other and let nature take its course.
“Seeking female for endless maze of love.”
Level 13 Champion of Baphomet
Large Natural Humanoid
seeking minotaur females, level 5-13
in Civilization or the Wild
I’m a strong and ferocious fighter. The best part about my hammer (besides the fact that it is huge!) is that sometimes when I hit people with it, they get so confused that they’ll attack their allies. I have keen senses that allow me to smell my enemies from afar, so you’d better smell good. Beyond that, I’m not picky. Write soon, I’m horny. (Get it? Get it? I have horns… I slay myself.) Write soon. Smell good. Really good.
All in all, I’m pretty impressed with these guys. I’m kinda bummed that I didn’t get some of the other cool figures from this series, like the Drow Wand Mage, Dwarf Shieldmaiden, Eye of Flame (to go with my other Beholder!), Griffon, Oni, or a dragon!
I really wish that WotC would make more girl minis. It’s so hard to find a good mini if you are a girl (or play a female character). I had to settle for the Lolth’s Sting character for Mar’Kessa, even though she never uses her rapier:
I mean, how hard would it be to cast two of each mini – one with boobs and eyelashes and one without?
Okay, it wouldn’t be that easy, but I can’t see it being that hard, either. Sometimes (like with the Halfling Paladin) there’s a mini that has breasts but otherwise looks male. It’s like something out of a Jerry Springer show.
Either way, I look forward to collecting more of the Dungeons of Dread set… I see myself shaking lots of boxes at the local gaming store, looking for the dragons. Wish me luck!