Personal Ad Makeover: Tom (In Progress!)
I’m finally working on Tom’s profile (the 9-to-5 has been insane lately!) His profile had a LOT of information.
Remember when I posted about verbosity? Tom is the poster child. (Sorry,Tom!) There are also some red flag sentences that needed cleaning up. Once it’s all over, Tom will have a shiny new profile for match.com.
But for now, let’s learn from his mistakes!
Thanks for being so brave, Tom.
Red Flag Statements:
I am a mass of inherent contradictions. I suppose you could call me “complex,” but I am perfectly consistent once you see all the moving parts in action.
What this says: “You won’t get me. I’ll be worse than dating another girl.”
I loathe politicians…
Talking about loathing is NEVER okay in a profile. You will attract more people by talking about what you love.
…being really stubborn—or how about “goal-focused.” That sounds nicer.
What this says: “I am stubborn. Really stubborn. Don’t expect to get your way if I want mine.”
Counter intuitively, though, I am not particularly empathic. I generally have no idea how people are feeling, and I am terrible at reading facial expressions. For me to know something, folks have to tell me. Once I know about it, I am all over it though.
What this says: “I won’t ever get you. Unless you flat out tell me EVERYTHING, I’m going to be utterly clueless.”
Now to be fair, Tom has lots of great stuff in his profile. These are things that his new profile will feature.
- I am a non-conformist who works in management.
- I have a four-year old daughter who means the world to me. I am the prototypical doting father. A time spent reading book with her is just about my favorite activity.
- While I am not afraid of change, I enjoy routines. Workout/shower/Starbucks/bookstore is a typical Saturday morning, except the days with my daughter, when the bookstore visit usually comes later in the afternoon after the zoo. And, the books have more pictures in them.
- I try to live my life like Steve Prefontaine: leading from the front, fearlessly. I certainly do not always succeed at that, but I think maybe the trying is as important as the succeeding.
- I consistently tear up even watching The Natural or You’ve Got Mail. But, we can both pretend that I have something in my eye—there is no need to make fun of me.
- I like going to jazz bars and plays; I should do both more often.
- I am one of the few Americans that does not consider “bureaucrat” to be a nasty word. I think it is very important to our society to have smart people trying to improve government services.
Check back soon for same Tom, better package!
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e-
I am intrigued! I find your thoughts as you go through the process as a neutral observer to be very interesting, and revealing about what folks might think as they read my profile. I cannot wait to see what you come up with!
I definitely cede the point about wordiness; I am entirely guilty of that. And, I have a tendancy to over-analyze, so I think that comes through, too (I assume as a negative). Brevity is not my strong suit. LOL
That said, is there something to be said for revealing some of my personality traits in the profile so there are fewer surprises, even if they are not “good” ones? I acknowledge all of your points above make total sense, but I do think that many of them give a reasonable impression of who I am. (Well, except maybe the “stubborn” part– honestly, I think “persistent” or “determined” or the like is a better way to express that– it is not always about getting my way, so much as refusing to surrender on principle.) Anyway, I guess my question is: will giving too much information shy folks away, or is there value in being very open?
Hmm. Intriguing! (And verbose. Surprise, surprise. LOL)
-Tom
“I won’t ever get you. Unless you flat out tell me EVERYTHING, I’m going to be utterly clueless.”
To be fair, this does cover most of us guys.
We can be empathetic easily, but empathic can be hard.
That said, is there something to be said for revealing some of my personality traits in the profile so there are fewer surprises, even if they are not “good” ones?
Sometimes, probably, but the thing is, they probably aren’t as bad as they might come across in writing.
If you write “I’m exceptionally stubborn” that can turn someone away right away, whereas if they found that out through getting to know you, it might not be so bad.
Graham-
I see your point about the stubborn bit. On a related thought, if everybody else only says positive stuff about themselves, and you are the one guy being overly honest about your negative baggage, then readers might assume that you are *even worse* because you must be nuts to include the negative stuff otherwise. LOL
I am also with you about the clueless part. That is just true about most guys, as much as I am sure it frustrates the fair ladies.
-Tom
We’re going to assume that as a man, you’ll be at least a LITTLE clueless.
You don’t want to advertise beyond that because it’ll make you seem to be a hopeless case and that you’ll take more than the usual effort.
As far as “surprises”, these are things that will come up gradually as you get to know one another. Graham is right - it’s best to have her see “stubborn” and judge on her own whether it’s “too much stubborn” for her to tolerate.
e-
I am glad to know that cluelessness is a male genetic trait. LOL
I do see the point about emphasis on the positive, too. Another of my female friends suggested a related thought: even of the positive stuff, if everything is in the profile, what else where there be to learn in the first date? I think that is similar to your earlier post talking about leaving some room for women to see how they might ‘fit in’ to your life.
This process is really eye-opening to me. I hope that it might help other guys reading, too. Thanks for doing it!
-Tom
If I can help even one geek get his love life together, then my mission is a success.