I have heard a lot of men complain that online dating is not fair. “Why do I have to always be the one to initiate contact? Why do girls always wink at me and then leave me to be the one to email them? Why don’t girls contact me?“
It reminds me of a poem I once saw behind the desk of a teacher:
FAIR
Life is not fair.
If you want “fair”,
buy a goldfish and name it Fair.
Then you can point at it and say,
“That’s Fair!”
I know, lame. For some reason, I’ve remembered it for years, tho. (It saddens me that there are more important things that I’ve forgotten!) Either way, it sort of makes a good point.
Life isn’t fair.
Life, and online dating, is what you make of it. Guys, the facts of life are that girls want to feel like they are wanted. For that to happen, you need to approach them. So skip the wink button (leave it for the ladies!) and send that first email. Make her feel that she was so special that you just had to email her – you couldn’t let someone that awesome slip by.
If she winks at you, it means she’d like you to email her. Either she was too busy to email you or was too shy (maybe she thinks you’re too good for her!). Does it suck that she gets to press one button and you have to compose a witty and enticing email? Yes. But if the end result is you getting a date, is life all that unfair?
Happy dating, geek friends.
About e
I was talking to someone about this just the other day. I think we’ve all been through the phase where we complain that girls should make the first move as often as guys, but that just isn’t how things work.
The sooner you embrace the whole weird ritual the sooner it stops being weird and you can start having fun!
Exactly, Forte.
“If she winks at you, it means she’d like you to email her. Either she was too busy to email you or was too shy (maybe she thinks you’re too good for her!)…”
e-
I do find the winking/emailing behavior on Match to be interesting. I have noticed a definite pattern, supported by your points above. It seems that the notion of ‘men pursue women, and not vice-versa’ has carried into the online world, which I find surprising. I guess the electronic wink replaces a hair flip, or come-hither glance? I wonder if that is reflecting a gender preference for behavior, societal norms, or something else? I dunno!
In any case, it is pretty easy to accomodate. I presume odds of success on an email to a former wink-er from a wink-ee are much greater than a blind email. Especially if most women get 30+ replies in two hours, like in your craigslist experiment! That is totally eye-opening! I guess great, catchy subject lines in email are pretty important with those kind of odds!
Tom,
You indeed have the upper hand on email if she winks at you first. You can always wink AND email.
Guys should never just wink, tho. It implies you’re not self-confident enough to email.
Hey e,
What would you do with this personal? http://craigslistblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/seeking-girl-who-likes-dungeons-and-dragons/
Propagandroid,
Whose is it?
e,
I can’t tell, it looks like the site is either posting amusing Craig’s List ads, or making up fake ones. I was just posting it for the amusement of your readers.
It was definitely interesting… hehe…
Reminds me of a little “skirmish” I had during my younger days, when a guy who was trying to beat me up told me to fight like a man, although the dude had a stick. Can’t remember why he wanted to anymore…
Of course, I had a class to attend (with a girl I had a crush on in it) , and did not want to have blood all over my face.
So, honoring his wishes anyway (Asian thing), I fought as fairly as he was with the stick in his hand.
Kicked him in the crotch. Fight over.
Seemed fair enough.
Sorry, I just don’t buy it: the whole “arbitrary-gender-roles rules” thing. Women expect men to treat them like prey, men are derided for being predators. Women are too often disadvantaged, abused, and preyed upon. We create this social reality through our mores. Our every action is a pebble in a pond, e. You missed a chance to change this pattern in a tiny way.
@ Topping – I don’t make or change the gender roles. That’s just too big a job for a tiny blogger with an average of 200 hits a day.
So I just let people know what’s out there and how they can do their best in the current climate. Hopefully they are able to be successful, find a girl, and get out of the craziness we call online dating. 
@Propagandroid OMFG that was funny. I must compose something similar…
@ToppingFromBelow You are so right. Riding the line between creepy and asocial (opposites I would think) seems to require more dexterity than walking a tightrope!
@e 200 hits? Thats it? This is a gold mine! We need to get the word out…