Are your Instant Messaging Buddies in the Monster Manual?

There are instant messaging programs everywhere we go.  There’s AIM, Yahoo, MSN, ICQ, gTalk, FacebookIMs… some people even have work-specific instant messaging programs to keep in touch with colleagues from across the sea of cubes.

We have our good friends, our once-in-while-catch-up friends, and those people who you want to block, but really shouldn’t because occasionally they come in useful.

Whether you have 5 buddies or 500, I’m sure you can recognize some of the usual suspects from the Monster Manual in your Buddy List.

Displacer Beast

The displacer beast has the displacement illusion, which gives you a 50% chance of missing it with melee or ranged weapons.  Know where it is?

No, you don’t!

On your buddy list, the Displacer Beast is the person you really need to talk to who will log out at precisely the moment you hit Enter after typing a message to them.  You have to jump the second you heart the “bing!” of someone logging in and attempt to type “hey!” and hit enter before they disappear.


A Dracolich is a dragon that has gone through an evil ritual to become undead.  They’re nasty, evil bad dragons and they’re pretty hard to kill.  See, you can’t just kill the dracolich itself, that’s not good enough.  You gotta find its phylactery and destroy that, too.

On your buddy list, the Dracolich is that person who just won’t go away.  You try to hint that you’re busy, or just ignore their IMs when they come in.  Sometimes you get a little upset and say something and think that maybe they’ll go away for good, but noooo, they just keep coming back for more.  It must be lonely being undead.


An Ettin is a two-headed giant.  Gotta wonder which head makes the decisions.   The cool thing about having two heads is that an Ettin gets two initiative rolls, one for each head.

On your buddy list, the Ettin is the married couple that uses the same screenname.   Or it’s the friend whose significant other has been known to use their computer (and IM account) on occasion.  You have no idea which one you’re talking to at any given time and it can cause some pretty hairy situations if you say the right thing to the wrong head!

Gelatinous Cube

What would D&D be without the Gelatinous Cube?  For those who need the review, the Gelatinous Cube is a translucent cube of jelly that sucks in organic matter, paralyzing it and slowly digesting it.  What sucks?  You can walk right into one without realizing it!  Build your place with 9-foot hallways and you’ll be safe.

On your buddy list, the Gelatinous Cube is the friend you can’t avoid.  As soon as they see you, you are inundated with -  ping!ping!ping!ping! – the laundry list of their life, why it sucks, what they’re (not) doing about it.  Even though they could benefit from your advice, you can’t get a word in edgewise, and even if you could, it would scroll off screen at the speed of light as they paralyze you with even more details about their relationship problems or overactive thyroid.


The spirit of a dead creature or humanoid, ghosts have been known to haunt all sorts of places.  You think you see them, but maybe you don’t.  What was that? I think something behind you just moved.  You might want to look.

On your buddy list, the Ghost is constantly online but never actually at the computer.  The only time they IM you back is when you’re away, which makes you doubt their existence.  I mean, they must be there at some point, right?  Right?

Mind Flayer

The Mind Flayer has crazy psychic powers.   Depending on your brain, you will either be eaten (with chianti and fava beans?) or turned into his thrall.  Which is worse?

On your buddy list, the Mind Flayer makes your brain hurt.  They want to over-analyze everything.  They want to discuss every minute detail of the political news, and worse yet, they expect you to agree with them 100%.  If you don’t, you will be subjected to more torture as they attempt to kill your beliefs.


Sexy.  The succubus is one talented devil!  She uses her feminine wiles to control her helpless victims, making them do her evil deeds.  She’ll dominate you and you will like it.

On your buddy list, the Succubus is that friend (of either gender) who inevitably will draw you into a conversation about dirty deeds and things you really shouldn’t be discussing.   Being up past your bedtime or consumption of alcohol makes you an easier target for the Succubus, so be careful unless you don’t mind playing Kiss n’Tell.


Who doesn’t love zombies?  They’re undead, they make funny noises, and they stumble around looking for brains to eat.

Totally cool.

On your buddy list, the Zombie is the person who never has anything worthwhile to say, but keeps talking to you anyway.  They send you links to YouTube videos you saw three months ago.  They cut-n-paste you the stupidest jokes you’ve ever heard.  When you don’t respond, they’ve been known to add “filler” talk like “Hmmmmm…” and “Mmmmm…” and the ever popular “………?”

What other Monster Manual regulars are in your buddy list?  How do you defeat them?  Share your thoughts below in the comments!

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About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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