There are instant messaging programs everywhere we go. There’s AIM, Yahoo, MSN, ICQ, gTalk, FacebookIMs… some people even have work-specific instant messaging programs to keep in touch with colleagues from across the sea of cubes.
We have our good friends, our once-in-while-catch-up friends, and those people who you want to block, but really shouldn’t because occasionally they come in useful.
Whether you have 5 buddies or 500, I’m sure you can recognize some of the usual suspects from the Monster Manual in your Buddy List.
Displacer Beast
The displacer beast has the displacement illusion, which gives you a 50% chance of missing it with melee or ranged weapons. Know where it is?
No, you don’t!
On your buddy list, the Displacer Beast is the person you really need to talk to who will log out at precisely the moment you hit Enter after typing a message to them. You have to jump the second you heart the “bing!” of someone logging in and attempt to type “hey!” and hit enter before they disappear.
Dracolich
A Dracolich is a dragon that has gone through an evil ritual to become undead. They’re nasty, evil bad dragons and they’re pretty hard to kill. See, you can’t just kill the dracolich itself, that’s not good enough. You gotta find its phylactery and destroy that, too.
On your buddy list, the Dracolich is that person who just won’t go away. You try to hint that you’re busy, or just ignore their IMs when they come in. Sometimes you get a little upset and say something and think that maybe they’ll go away for good, but noooo, they just keep coming back for more. It must be lonely being undead.
Ettin
An Ettin is a two-headed giant. Gotta wonder which head makes the decisions. The cool thing about having two heads is that an Ettin gets two initiative rolls, one for each head.
On your buddy list, the Ettin is the married couple that uses the same screenname. Or it’s the friend whose significant other has been known to use their computer (and IM account) on occasion. You have no idea which one you’re talking to at any given time and it can cause some pretty hairy situations if you say the right thing to the wrong head!
Gelatinous Cube
What would D&D be without the Gelatinous Cube? For those who need the review, the Gelatinous Cube is a translucent cube of jelly that sucks in organic matter, paralyzing it and slowly digesting it. What sucks? You can walk right into one without realizing it! Build your place with 9-foot hallways and you’ll be safe.
On your buddy list, the Gelatinous Cube is the friend you can’t avoid. As soon as they see you, you are inundated with - ping!ping!ping!ping! – the laundry list of their life, why it sucks, what they’re (not) doing about it. Even though they could benefit from your advice, you can’t get a word in edgewise, and even if you could, it would scroll off screen at the speed of light as they paralyze you with even more details about their relationship problems or overactive thyroid.
Ghost
The spirit of a dead creature or humanoid, ghosts have been known to haunt all sorts of places. You think you see them, but maybe you don’t. What was that? I think something behind you just moved. You might want to look.
On your buddy list, the Ghost is constantly online but never actually at the computer. The only time they IM you back is when you’re away, which makes you doubt their existence. I mean, they must be there at some point, right? Right?
Mind Flayer
The Mind Flayer has crazy psychic powers. Depending on your brain, you will either be eaten (with chianti and fava beans?) or turned into his thrall. Which is worse?
On your buddy list, the Mind Flayer makes your brain hurt. They want to over-analyze everything. They want to discuss every minute detail of the political news, and worse yet, they expect you to agree with them 100%. If you don’t, you will be subjected to more torture as they attempt to kill your beliefs.
Succubus
Sexy. The succubus is one talented devil! She uses her feminine wiles to control her helpless victims, making them do her evil deeds. She’ll dominate you and you will like it.
On your buddy list, the Succubus is that friend (of either gender) who inevitably will draw you into a conversation about dirty deeds and things you really shouldn’t be discussing. Being up past your bedtime or consumption of alcohol makes you an easier target for the Succubus, so be careful unless you don’t mind playing Kiss n’Tell.
Zombie
Who doesn’t love zombies? They’re undead, they make funny noises, and they stumble around looking for brains to eat.
Totally cool.
On your buddy list, the Zombie is the person who never has anything worthwhile to say, but keeps talking to you anyway. They send you links to YouTube videos you saw three months ago. They cut-n-paste you the stupidest jokes you’ve ever heard. When you don’t respond, they’ve been known to add “filler” talk like “Hmmmmm…” and “Mmmmm…” and the ever popular “………?”
What other Monster Manual regulars are in your buddy list? How do you defeat them? Share your thoughts below in the comments!
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About e
I think you just went through my buddy list.
Which one plagues you the most?
The sphinx. The person on your buddy list who is prone to answering questions with other questions, and seems intent on making you guess just what they were bothering you about in the first place.
The gibbering mouther. This is the person who seems to take a surrealist approach to conversation. When asked how they feel, they say ‘cheese’ or ‘peanut butter taco.’ When asked what they did with their day, they go on long diatribes about watching God dig through their closet looking for her underwear.
@ Draksila – Nice! I had considered adding a gibbering mouther to the list.
Ok, so which one am I?
Everybody asks that!! Some people aren’t monsters.
Depends on the timing e. Displacer Beasts and Ghosts when I need something important. Gelatinous Cubes amd Dracoliches when I’m trying to do something. Zombies are a constant bother (luckily only a few), and I’ve gotten some OLD stuff before like, “WTF, how have you never seen this” old. Mind Flayers, much like when you fight them, get annoying…very very fast (But so fun to run as DM or be in an IM
).
Love this! All so true too. I can think of one other:
The Dragon
Whatever you say, whatever you do, he boasts that he’s done it before. He’s bigger than you, he’s cleverer than you, he’s richer than you. And he can fly. At least, that’s if you believe what he writes.
Best solution against a Dragon? Run away. Very, very quickly.
I’d rather be a Landshark. What does that say about me?
Sometimes I think I am plagued by a Zombie-Dracolich on my IM list. Exhibits extreme properties of each.
The succubus plagues me the most! =/
I’m getting married soon and there are lots of woman out there that are just tring me.=(
Is incredible…when you are single and try to start them conversations they shy away but now that I am engaged all kind of “succubus” come out of the wood work and try me.=/
OMG! I have all of these creatures on my IM’s! I’ve got to forward this to my game group! They will all get a kick out of it. Most of my people on IM seem to be ghosts or displacer beasts.. They’re never online when I am, or they’re leaving as I’m signing on. LOL
I’m a ghost. Plus I have a Dracolich and a Gelatinous Cube as to good friends. Makes for some interesting IMs.
Zombies and Displacer Beasts are the most common.
I’m an Umber Hulk… I borrow and confuse!
Dave T. Games last blog post..Vote Today or Face a Red Dragon
@ Mystrich – They seem to have perfect timing, these IM monsters!
@ greywulf – OMG, I totally have a friend who is like that. Didn’t think if it because he doesn’t use IMs, but every time we talk, he has to prove that he can one-up you on everything
@ Forte – It’s Shark Week, we can forgive you.
@ Darvin – Might I suggest setting it on fire? At least it’ll run around screaming and be a bit more entertaining!
@ Loky – My theory is that women flirt with engaged/married men because they see them as “safe” to flirt with. It’s like taunting a tiger at the zoo – it’s behind bars, it can’t do anything about it.
@ Kat – Thanks for passing it on! I have a few ghosts that are night-shift ghosts. Maybe they’re better called Vampires because they’re never out during the day.
@ Bobert – You’re a ghost!? Eek!
@ Dave – Of course you have to be different.
Thank you, e. Now I just need to figure out a metaphor for myself; kind, benevolent, and considered to be full of good advice… but hardly ever seen during the life of a campaign. Maybe a couatl? Or a flumph.
I just couldn’t bring myself to keep up with my IM programs, so I abandoned them. I log on at this point maybe once a year, and am flattered to still see quotes from and kind words about me in people’s sigs, but the abundance of ghosts and displacer beasts on my friends list keeps me more myth than presence.
@ Draksila – Buddy lists are ever evolving things, it seems. I keep a separate folder that’s usually minimized where I keep all the ghosts. I put the people I talk to the most at the top of the list. Every once in a while a ghost from the past crops up and we catch up. It’s always a surprise.
@Draksila…you are a Lantern Archon…
I fit undead best, though I find I actually have intelligent things to say when I do speak…maybe vampire?…
@ Reverend Mike – You are comment #1,000!
What about someone who is constantly on invisible and occasionally pops up when you least expect her?
@ Black Fury – Hmmmm… good question. Anybody have any ideas?
Poltergeist.
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The Assassin Vine – Will seize on the slightest opportunity to entangle you in a long-winded and painful death discussion about something of negligible importance, but as they’re a relatively low-level monster, careful tactics and a little knowledge about how they work can generally free you from their clutches.
@ Graham – Wouldn’t a poltergeist throw things?
@ Barb – Hahhahaa… I have a few of those on my list!
Love the list! Can i translate and put into my blog?!
leandropugs last blog post..Tradução de Novidades 4a Edição ::: Regras Gerais
@leandro – sure! just link back to the original, please.
I had a Dracolich on my IM list for the longest time. She would appear and gelatinous cube me and proceed to never go away. I ended up banning her, blocking her number, myspace, facebook, etc…invited her back in, the evil came back and ended up rebanning her for good.