It’s About Your Goat, Sir…

I was over at Helion‘s house for dinner last night with his wife and one of their friends.  I brought over Twice Baked Potato Casserole.   It was Cheesy Bacon-y Goodness.

Anyhoo, after dinner and watching Legend of Neil, we decided to play a game of D&D.  You have no idea how excited I am to have friends here where an impromptu game of D&D is a possibility!

It was a 3.5 game, and we were all given pre-made level 5 characters.  I picked the male dwarf fighter.   His original name was “Fighter” but I decided to change it to “Phighter”.   Way more badass.

The rest of the party was:

  • Helion – DM & Cleric PC (hey, we needed a healer!)
  • Helion’s Wife – female Barbarian with “bedazzling nipples” (I swear, this is how she described herself, with hand gestures!)
  • Their Friend – Halfling Rogue named Rouge

My first matter of business was to find a goat, some rope, and some beer

I’m not going to write an in-character campaign log about this adventure, but let me give you the bullet points of what was probably the most fun night I’ve had in a long time.  Most of the insanity was caused by the rogue, who had never played D&D before and was trying to see how much ruckus he could cause.

These may or may not be in chronological order because we were up until 3 am and even though no alcohol was involved, my memory gets fuzzy after midnight:

  • We meet in the tavern and the rogue convinces the barkeep that the barbarian was going to pay his 20 gold tab.  I have to go find him and put him in a headlock until our cleric friend shows up and calms us all down.
  • The halfling decides he wants to ride the (human) cleric.  And does.  A lot.  (We hang his mini by the legs over the sword of the cleric mini.)
  • I buy a goat.   A mean girl goat who will walk on a rope if you tug hard enough.  Perfect.
  • I buy a small keg, bring the goat to the bar, tether her outside, and go in to buy some beer to put in the keg.  Meanwhile, my knot comes undone and the goat wanders off.  Thankfully, a city guard brings me the goat back.  I pay him a gold because the goat is very important.   I bring the goat behind the bar, the barkeep fills up the keg, I strap it to the goat, and we’re all good.
  • Our first night at the inn, our rogue decides to sneak into the barbarian’s room to get a look at her naked.  He wakes her up with his lockpicking noise and moves on to my room.
  • Once in my room, he starts going through my money bag, which wakes me up.  I jump naked from my bed, grab my sword and swing at him, giving him a pretty nasty wound.  Then, I do something else that I’ll tell you in IMs if you make the DC on a Charisma check.  This becomes my dwarf’s calling card for the rest of the game.
  • The rogue gets a disguise kit and convinces us that he’s no longer Rouge, he’s Rouge’s brother, Lipstick.  (Yeah, we all got some bad rolls there.)
  • We get a quest from a priestess to go find a magical sword and bring it back to her because she doesn’t want it falling into the wrong hands.  Oh, and by the way, so far it’s killed everybody who has tried to use it.  There’s a gauntlet that allows you to use it without being harmed, but she’s not going to give it to us.
  • Later on, Lipstick buys a pack of tube socks, a bra, a dress, and women’s shoes.  He dons this apparel and convinces us that his name is really Loretta and she’s a cousin of Rouge and Lipstick.   Sadly, more bad rolls ensue.  My dwarf fondles Loretta in an attempt to figure out if she’s real.  Feels real. (At this point, I’m about to throw my d20s!)  Dwarf then fondles the barbarian (who is a real girl, with bedazzling nipples, remember) and goes back to Loretta to re-check with a bonus to breast identification knowledge.  Still nothing.  (Arg!)   Dwarf then headlocks Loretta and drags her to a room to find out once and for all what naughty bits she has (and takes one step towards being Evil).  Loretta/Lipstick/Rouge finally gives up and admits he’s really a boy.
  • Somehow, the goat always rolled higher than me in initiative.  This really was a nasty goat!
  • On the way to our destination, we help the captain of the ship take down a ship of pirates and we take all their treasure.  Woot!
  • I use my part of the proceeds to buy a Ring of the Ram.  (Hey, gotta stay with the goat motif!)
  • Our rogue schmoozes at the thieves’ guild and gets us a map to the sword.  (Note, don’t call Artemis Enteri “Homes” or ask the Top Man of the thieves’ guild if you can have one-on-one time, “just me, your boy Artemis, and a sack.”)   Did I mention the halfling bought prophylactics at the brothel earlier?
  • We get down through the dungeon to the sword, nearly kill ourselves trying to pick it up (it takes half your hit points if you fail the DC 19 will save, and all of us had pretty crappy Will.)
  • The barbarian gets it, but the sword has a bloodlust and if we won’t kill with it, it will call out to those who will.  Oh, and if we do kill with it, it gets stronger.  Crap.
  • We put the sword back on the altar that apparently keeps it from communicating.  I pick up the altar and we carry it back out of the dungeon, box it up, lock it, and bring it back to the priestess.
  • She’s like, “Yay, thanks!“, puts on the gauntlet, grabs the sword, destroys the altar, and then tries to kill us.  Crap.
  • Goat rolls #2 in initiative, right behind the rogue.
  • Goat pwns in this battle.  Okay, he only rolls a d4 for damage, but he was flanking with the barbarian.  The priestess missed the goat every single time she tried to hit him (which I think was like 4-5 times!).   Goat just kept on head-butting her with his horns every round.
  • Meanwhile, Phighter keeps missing.  He even broke his longbow.  Good thing Goat was there to save the day.
  • Sadly, Goat was cut down by the magical sword.   Bits of flaming goat flesh, basted in beer, flew everywhere.
  • We finally kill the priestess and decide that we will take the sword to the King, who is really strong and really Good.    The rogue forges a note that says we should be taken directly to the King and his guards do so.   Then the rogue decides to forge a note (in front of the King, without hiding) that says that he is now King.   King is not amused, but brushes him off.
  • The King takes the sword and (thankfully) has the will to be able to control it without having to kill people.  Phew.
  • Everyone mourns the death of Goat.


About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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