Moradin’s Lass: The Shaft Incident

So there we were, hanging back and chilling a bit while Errich and Helion scout forward and down the stairs.  We get the okay from them and follow down the hallway and see the remnants of a bridge and a giant hole with a chain hanging in the center.

A giant chain.  I’ve never seen a chain this big, I don’t think.  I could probably fit my whole HAND in it, and I have a pretty pudgy hand.  My whole hand!  Geez!

We can hear the sounds of a waterfall below, but can’t see anything through the darkness.  Someone mentions tossing the dwarf.  Um, no!!  There will be no tossing the dwarf, thank you very much!  Besides, I think Drash would probably be the only one with a chance of lifting me.

Errich and Helion are looking everywhere to try to find a way for us to get across, or down, or… well, we’re not sure where we want to go.   We’re pretty indecisive folks, it seems.  We’re going somewhere, but not sure where that somewhere is exactly.  It kinda reminds me of those days at home when my brother and I would just go wandering through the mines aimlessly until we almost got lost and missed dinner.  One time we did miss dinner.  I’m still pretty angry at him for that.

Errich, being the smallest one, decides to try to cross the hole first.  He pulls out this kit of ropes and hooks and things – pretty cool and shiny! – and starts rigging up a way to shimmy across the hole.  And shimmy he did, like only a halfling can.  Shimmy shimmy halfling… shimmy shimmy halfing…

Oh, right.  Shaft.  Anyway…

Helion crosses after him to try to help with whatever’s going on over there.  They find holes in the wall that look like they had a ladder attached to them before the place went all green and moldy.  Ew.   Errich pulls more stuff from his shinies bag and climbs up the wall.  Halflings have the cutest little butts.  Too cute.  Just cute tho, not attractive.  I mean, ew.  Who would want romantic relations with a halfling?

He finds three levers there and asks us which one he should pull first.  After much arguing from both sides of the shaft, he goes to pull the middle one.  I back up on to the stairs, just in case the bridge collapses.   I don’t feel like falling to my death today, really.  Thanks for the offer, but no.

One of my friends said that he calls this the “Oops Method” because you almost always pick the wrong lever or put the wrong orb in the wrong slot at the wrong time and something horrible happens.

Luckily for us, Errich manages to figure out that the levers bring the chain up and down.  Slowly.  Painfully slowly.  I could watch my fingernails grow slowly.  I can feel my hair growing slowly.  Boring!

Finally the chain gets all the way up and we notice that nothing is on the bottom.  No elevator.  Well, poop.  Guess we can’t expect any modern luxuries here in this… where the heck are we again?

While the boys are trying to figure out what to do and shooting arrows tied with rope through the chain, I remember something.  Like, duh!  Great Moradin’s beard!! Why didn’t I think of this earlier?  All this stale air is making me stupid.

I pull out my ritual book.  I forgot all about my Tenser’s Floating Disk!  I can fit two whole people on it if they hug.  And who doesn’t like hugging?  Even our resident scaly one could use a hug.  Unfortunately, the two of us together would be over the weight limit for the disk.  Oh well.  Another time.

All of the sudden, I see the elf go overboard.  I guess he was trying to tie off the rope or something and he fell and if it wasn’t for Drash’s quick thinking to grab the other end of the rope, our ranger would have fallen to his death.  Silly elves.  I’d miss him – but at least we’d know how deep the shaft was!  Is that horrible?  Moradin, forgive me!

Once we get Helion back up to the surface, he and Drash share some choice words that I really don’t think are appropriate to repeat, just in case my children read about my adventures one day when I am old.  I suppose Drash made up for his behavior at the tavern by saving Helion’s life, but I can’t really say they look like they love each other any more.   I’d just like to say that I’m not feeling the love, no sir-ee Moradin.

I decide to sit on my disk and follow Helion as Errich lowers him down the shaft on the chain.  Of course, my arse has different ideas about where it’s going and I nearly fall off the disk and down the shaft myself.  I swear my behind has a mind of its own.

I don’t get very far before the chain starts coming back up and I have to change the disk’s direction quickly before I end up being headbutted by an irate elf.    He tells us that he found a silver door and a room with a bunch of mushrooms and implies that we should all use them to get high.  Um, don’t think so.

I’d just like to say that if I’m going to get wasted, it’s going to be on ale, thank you.  My brother Trepak, Moradin bless his soul, he ate some funny mushrooms once, and now he is convinced that gnomes are stealing his undergarments while he sleeps.

My head hurts too much to remember how exactly we managed to get everyone down the shaft, but it involved my disk, a lot of rope, and a lot of fervent prayers to various gods that we didn’t fall and die.

“So where are we going, fearless leader?” Helion asks me.  Um, hello? I just orchestrated this whole disk thing… I think I’m done making big decisions for the day.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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