Personal Ad Makover Contest: Brandon (DURING)

Brandon is the winner of the Geek’s Dream Girl Personal Ad Makeover Contest for August.   In the last post, you saw his original profile, which is currently on Plenty of Fish.

Let’s take this bad boy apart and see what we can see…

About Me

I’m a Geek, as stated.

Hooray!  Something I haven’t addressed yet!  Listen up, boys!

There are a handful of phrases that that are subconscious turn-offs.  These are “you should know” type phrases.   Theses are phrases that imply that the person really ought to know something already, but you’re pointing it out again.  Sounds kinda rude and uppity, does it?

If at all possible, avoid things like “as stated”, “like I said”, “as I’ve said before”, and other similar phrases.  If you repeat yourself, that’s fine.  Don’t draw attention to it and make it seem like the person missed it the first time.  We want you to think we’re smarter than that.

I’m a whole lot like Don Quixote, but I look a bit more like Sancho. Kudos to you if you get the reference; you are probably the type of gal I’m looking for if ya do.

Ah, the ever popular geeky reference.  If you indeed want a really geeky girl, we can keep that in there.  It’s colorful and funny.  We can tweak it so the girls who might not catch the reference won’t feel alienated.

Like Others Geeks of my type, I dig comic books, and Star Wars. Martial arts and meditation. Existentialism, and questions on man and Morality. I’m a brain in a body; most of my pursuits are cerebral in some from or another. I do wacky things like build music lists for games I’m going to be playing in, and will discuss nearly anything that takes my fancy.

Whoa, that’s way too much geek there.  I mean, it’s cool, but we need to tone it down just a tiny bit so it doesn’t seem so intimidating.  There’s also a random sentence fragment that needs to belong somewhere… or nowhere.  We’ll see!

I’m looking for my Geek Princess, someone who can at least appreciate my passions, but even better if she shares some of them. And should she have some passions of her own, all the more reason to be intrigued.

This works and can be tweaked to work even better.

I recently had a break up with a long time girl, so I’m not looking to get into anything too serious right away; but I feel I need to get back out here and look, and be looked at. We’ll talk, and maybe sparks will fly.

While I understand the sentiment, there are better ways to say this without sending up any “He’s Got Baggage” red flags.   Watch for how I spin this in the final product.

First Date

I do like to go with something a little tradition, or boring, depending on your viewpoint. I think going to dinner together is a great idea, the movie, not so much. I like to try to find out what sort of cuisine really tempt you, and then have a nice, languorous meal, savoring the experience, and the conversation. I have a few nice suits, and like to break them out when I can, so I will try to take us somewhere upscale, or at least with a decent atmosphere. Should there be sufficient light and time, we could go to one of the nicer parks in town and continue the conversation. Should things go exceptionally well, and sparks flying, I may try to keep you as long as possible, maybe going to someplace that serves coffee late, and just while away the hours getting to know you until you absolutely must get home, at which point I shall turn you lose reluctantly.

Brandon, I see the light and wonderful sweet geekiness of your soul, but this paragraph makes you come off sounding a bit like you’re going to enjoy my liver with a bottle of chianti and some fava beans.   Don’t worry, though, I know just how to fix it!

Want to win a free personal ad makeover?  I’m taking applications for the September contest all month.  Click here to enter – and please, if you didn’t win this month, re-apply!

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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