Welcome to another edition of Minis Seeking Love, a slightly bizarre way of taking a look at the D&D Miniatures booster packs. Today we’ll be meeting the eligible bachelors, bachelorettes and… things from the Night Below collection.
Night Below is the lucky 13th set of miniatures released by Wizards of the Coast. The theme for Night Below is “things you might find in a dungeon.” (Reminds me of a clue category for that pyramid game show…)
Either way, let’s check out our singles, written in their own voices (and loosely based on their intelligence & charisma scores!):
Level 4 Greyhawk City Militia Sergeant
seeking human male, level 4-10
I’m a chick with a halberd, how badass is that? The streets of Greyhawk are my home. You’ll find me patrolling the town center near all the shops. My favorite part of my job is chasing down thieves and using my halberd to slice through their belts. Nothing like arresting a pantless man. I’ve gone too far, I think. I’m not saying I’m going to cut your pants off!!!! Unless you want me to cut them off…
Level 4 Kuo-Toa Hunter
seeking Kuo-Toa female, level 1-6
The aquatic lifestyle is where it’s at! I’m looking for my dream girl – she looks great in tight leather and knows how to wield a spear. Pure unbridled hatred of humanoids is a must. I have a bit of a temper sometimes, but only when I’ve been drinking and lately, I haven’t. Let’s find a dark corner where we can snuggle up and I can stare into your big beautiful eyes.
Level 3 Prisoner
seeking female, any race, any level
I didn’t do it! I know every prisoner says that, but seriously, I was framed. I’m really lonely here in jail but at least we have internet access! I’d love to chat with you about life on the outside and am looking to get married and settle down as soon as my appeal is over. Contact me soon!
Level 4 Bluespawn Ambusher
seeking Bluespawn female, level 1-6
Hi. Me lekrik bloo dragon. Zap zap. Yoo lekrik bloo dragon too? Come C me.
Level 11 Champion of Dol Dorn
seeking female dwarf, level 1-12
I fight for the honor of Dol Dorn. My woman also loves Dol Dorn. Better if she is a fighter or cleric of Dol Dorn. Will like if you are female and dwarf. Small beard okay. I am kind of scary. Big sword, big beard, big plate armor. I can see it. I have a big scary face and love to cleave through enemies. Cleave, cleave, cleave. I want a female who can rub my feet. Oh, and clean my sword. It is bloody and needs cleaning. Take care of my needs. Then we take care of Dol Dorn’s needs. Okay? Okay.
Level 7 Wild Mage
seeking human male, level 6-12
There is nothing more fun than harnessing the powers of the wilderness – ice, fire, water, lightning – it makes me all tingly just thinking about it! I have this aura about me that is pretty crazy – either you totally get me or you totally don’t. That’s fine, though. I’m looking for a man who wants to run through the wilderness hand in hand, make love under the stars, and have competitions to see whose ice knife can go the furthest. How about a friendly wager?
Level 3 Shadow
seeking souls, any level
Shadows beget shadows. Let me drain you. You won’t let me? I will find you in the dark. You can’t see me. You feel a cold touch. You fall to the ground. You are weak. So weak. What’s happening? Oh, it’s just me. Can’t turn me, can’t see me. You are weaker, weaker, weaker. Soon you will be a shadow too. No choice, you are one of us.
Level 14 Gold Dragon
seeking male dragons, level 12-30
Let’s face it – most of us dragons are in our separate caves, guarding our hoard, blasting fire at intruders. When I get a chance, I like to fly over my domain. It’s so peaceful up in the air, surveying the world, you know? It made me realize how lonely I am and how I’d like to be a mother someday. I’m not saying you’d have to stick around and be a parent, but it would be nice to have a kindred soul to talk to, mate with, and occasionally have some family flights over our world. Let’s take flight together!