CONTE$T: What If Your Ex Had A Personal Ad?
Written by e
November 8, 2008
19 Comments
I thought we’d have some fun. If you could write a personal ad for your “favorite” ex, what would it say? If your ad is chosen as the funniest, you win a $15 amazon.com gift certificate!
One of my favorite bathroom books is one I received for Christmas a couple years ago. (Thanks, Daniel!) It’s They Call Me Naughty Lola: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books. It’s full of hilarious short newspaper-style personal ads, like this one:
I’d like to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Man. 36. Single. Held at home by years of emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.
Here are some more samples from the book to get you inspired!
More Ads From They Call Me Naughty Lola:
I intend to spend the summer stewing over failed relationships.
You can join me if you like, but know now that you’ll never live
up to Sandra, Jackie, Dawn, Helen, Karen, or Peter. M, 37.
Bitter, bi-curious, Bebington.
~
Bald, short, fat, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted
woman with tremendous sexual appetite.
~
Writing this advert has given me the biggest sense
of accomplishment I’ve felt since successfully ironing
my own trousers (14 June 1998). Man, 37. Box no. 2473.
~
These ads try too hard to be funny. Not me,
I’m a natural. Juggling, monkey-faced idiot
(M, 36). box no. 5312.
~
Blah, blah, whatever. Indifferent woman.
Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.
~
I’m a Pisces – which makes you and me a
bad match, but how about your good-looking friend?
Non-committal, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35).
Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring. Box no. 2541.
~
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the thousandth reader
to pass this ad by. Your prize is to pay for dinner
and listen to me bitch about my university colleagues
until pub closing time. And no, you don’t get sex.
Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Sensitive F, 38. Box no 7382.
~
Ready to Write?
These can be ads for yourself, your exes, friends’ exes, or even fictional people if you want. Roleplayers, if you want to write one for your character, go for it. The judging committee will be a handful of your favorite bloggers, official list TBA.
Ground Rules
- Ads should be under 50 words.
- Keep it PG-13, please. If the language is not kosher for prime time TV, please find alternative vocabulary.
- You can submit as many as you want.
- Submissions will be closed on Saturday 11/29.
- The winner will be announced on Saturday 12/6 and the amazon.com gift certificate will be delivered by email to the winner.
Good luck and have fun!
E. Foley is a geek girl extraordinaire. She writes amazing online dating profiles for geeks and non-geeks, helping clients all over the world find love. Her writing can be found at Dating Sites Reviews, Examiner.com, and elsewhere as a ghostwriter. By day, she is the Copywriter at ThinkGeek. She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame and her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut and Don Juan. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)
Damn it, all the really funny ideas I have just sound too nasty for me to use. Don’t like being the bitter ex.
Here goes anyway:
‘F, 22, bi. Seeks man to use and abuse, and I’m not talking about in the bedroom.’
‘F, 22, bi. Seeks m/f/t. Must be willing to have flat, life and anything else messed up.’
To show I’m not that bitter, here’s one for me based on my rather unfortunate dating habits:
‘M, 22, bi. Seeks f. Psychological problems a must.’
Hammer´s last blog post..What Is To Be Done – Redux
So… are slash-lists a plus or minus in the judging?
Darius Whiteplume´s last blog post..Sukiyaki Western Django
“Crazy Cat Lady DWF 44 seeks Helpless Knight in Shining Armor. Must be loving, kind, and sweet, and utterly unable to prevent my deliberate self-destruction. Slow-motion train wrecks turn you on? Call me! You can try to rescue me, but this damsel just can’t be saved. C’mon, it’ll be fun!”
And, in the interest of fairness, one for me:
“Captain Oblivious, DWM 35 seeks reincarnation of Cruella deVil. Crazy? Awesome! Evil? Love it! Victim? I’ll pass. Destructive urges directed *outward* a must! I’ll be your adoring sidekick and comedy relief as we pursue your goals of world domination and the subjugation of mankind. Good with pets and kids.”
“Zombie, seeking living partners with braaaaaains for one-time encounters. Any age, any gender, any race. Braaaains! Will love you for your mind. Braaaaains. Couples/groups okay. Once-in-a-lifetime encounter guaranteed – and no attachments after. Ever again. Braaaaaaaaains!”
Perhaps something a little Lovecraftian?
“Elder God seeking cuddly partner to wile away the eons in bed, slumbering in deathless state until the stars are right. Must be willing to relocate to Ry’leh. Me – tall, rugged, tentacular. You – open-minded and good at holding your breath. Please, no seafood allergies – love of calamari a must.”
Thanks to Hammer & MrJames for your entries! Keep ‘em coming, folks!
@ Darius – As long as it’s funny, it can be in whatever format you like, including slashlists.
@ e – I’ll try to stir up my vengefulness. I’d be better at doing one for a fictitious person, but would prefer to stick with the spirit of the contest. My nerdliness is of such strength that I can’t really hate any of the women who have been kind enough to save me from a life of involuntary celibacy… Even if there was at least one “bunny boiler” in the group!
Darius Whiteplume´s last blog post..Up After Thanksgiving, Down Before the New Year – A poll: When do I take down my campaign stickers?
@ Darius – Nice to see you got yourself a Gravatar.
For anybody else who wants an individual avatar and not a random smilie here, you can go to http://en.gravatar.com/ and get one. It’s totally free and will show up on any Gravatar-enabled blog.
But I love my smiley, e.
I’m trying to think of a way to phrase this without insulting her, even if she’ll never see this. Although, even in the relationship, she wondered how the hell I dealt with how bitchy she is.
Self-centered M47 seeks woman to take care of all details while I work, play and sleep oblivious to the needs of all other people. Need affirmation occasionally? Look elsewhere! Enjoy abject abasement? You may be my dream woman!
@ GirlFriend – Welcome! Thanks for your entry!
Hmmm… for my ex.. LOL.. I just can’t help myself! And e, ty for the link! I finally got a picture up!
SWM, 37, seeks a woman that will do everything for me. I love the woman being in charge of everything, while I seek ways of fulfilling my life’s desires by constantly watching TV from the comfort of my own couch. My lady love must be a good bread-winner, a great listener, and also be willing to put up with me for the rest of her life, because I just can’t let go.
Okay, here’s one:
“SWF 30-ish, seeks SWM to clean up my emotional messes. Must enjoy (a)smiling and nodding while I drone on and on about my endless stream of ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends, and (b)uttering random words that reduce me to a blubbering wreck for no apparent reason, as you’ll be doing both a lot. Must be good with kids.
It’s hard for me to give this a funny touch, but let me try with something cynical.
F, 23 searching for a bit of thrill, don’t be shy, since that’s my part to play. Alcohol lover is a must, since I’m hardly ever sober – whenever I am I tend to wake up next to someone I hardly know. Could be you, at least every now and then. But don’t worry I’m very creative about answers. No matter what you say, once reading this you’re already mine – and if you are not, my time with you will come!
TheLemming´s last blog post..Curse of Avalon XII – The final fairytale
MM50 searching for wife #3: must juggle looking the other way while I squander every penny while telling you we’re doing fine with my need to blame you for all our troubles; alienating offspring a plus; and BTW, I’ll expect you to earn every penny because I’d rather be a martyr than a man.
MM50 requires new punching bag since the last one threw him out after I “forgot” punching her. Masochists encouraged, as are doormats; position requires heavy lifting.
Lyreika Starguide´s last blog post..RaggBAGG(tm) Game Time
F, 19, Looking to toy with a man’s heart. I often like to yell and scream for no reason, but get happy in a short period of time for no reason. I hate public affection and don’t express much love for anyone. You won’t like what you see…so I’m told.
David´s last blog post..SYC Big November Contest
Old man stuck in a 22 WM body seeking f. for conservative evenings watching movies to my taste. If you don’t like it, don’t worry, I’ll change that!
Must be willing to put up with whining and emotionally instability if I’m told I’ve done something wrong.
And you’ll never live up to my mum.