CONTE$T: What If Your Ex Had A Personal Ad?

Naughty Lola

I thought we’d have some fun.   If you could write a personal ad for your “favorite” ex, what would it say?  If your ad is chosen as the funniest, you win a $15 gift certificate!

One of my favorite bathroom books is one I received for Christmas a couple years ago.  (Thanks, Daniel!)  It’s They Call Me Naughty Lola: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books.   It’s full of hilarious short newspaper-style personal ads, like this one:

I’d like to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36.  Man. 36. Single.  Held at home by years of emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.

Here are some more samples from the book to get you inspired!

More Ads From They Call Me Naughty Lola:

I intend to spend the summer stewing over failed relationships.
You can join me if you like, but know now that you’ll never live
up to Sandra, Jackie, Dawn, Helen, Karen, or Peter. M, 37.
Bitter, bi-curious, Bebington.


Bald, short, fat, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted
woman with tremendous sexual appetite.


Writing this advert has given me the biggest sense
of accomplishment I’ve felt since successfully ironing
my own trousers (14 June 1998).  Man, 37.  Box no. 2473.


These ads try too hard to be funny.  Not me,
I’m a natural.  Juggling, monkey-faced idiot
(M, 36).  box no. 5312.


Blah, blah, whatever.  Indifferent woman.
Go ahead and write.  Box no. 3253.  Like I care.


I’m a Pisces – which makes you and me a
bad match, but how about your good-looking friend?
Non-committal, easily-distracted, fly-by-night F (35).
Sorry, I think I just heard my phone ring.  Box no. 2541.


CONGRATULATIONS! You are the thousandth reader
to pass this ad by.  Your prize is to pay for dinner
and listen to me bitch about my university colleagues
until pub closing time.  And no, you don’t get sex.
Ever. Ever, ever, ever.  Sensitive F, 38.  Box no 7382.


Ready to Write?

These can be ads for yourself, your exes, friends’ exes, or even fictional people if you want.  Roleplayers, if you want to write one for your character, go for it.  The judging committee will be a handful of your favorite bloggers, official list TBA.

Ground Rules

  1. Ads should be under 50 words.
  2. Keep it PG-13, please.  If the language is not kosher for prime time TV, please find alternative vocabulary.
  3. You can submit as many as you want.
  4. Submissions will be closed on Saturday 11/29.
  5. The winner will be announced on Saturday 12/6 and the gift certificate will be delivered by email to the winner.

Good luck and have fun!

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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