Personal Ad Makeover Contest: “Hammer” (DURING)

“Hammer” is the GDG Personal Ad Makeover Contest winner for the month of November.  Do you want to win for December?  Click here for details on how to enter.  Can’t wait until the new year for a new profile?  Check out the Fall Sale on Personal Ad Makeover Services while it lasts!

Hammer’s profile has some great information, but could use some polishing to make it really shine for that dream girl.  Hammer’s profile is in black; my comments are in orange.  Let’s dig deeper…

Headline:

Looking Forward To The Winter Snow

This is a great example of keeping your profile fresh and updated with the current season!

About Me and Who I’m Looking For

I’m a final year student, studying politics, and no I don’t have my eye on political office ;)
That doesn’t mean I’m lacking ambition though: I’m planning on doing a Masters degree next year.
I’m a studious guy, but I like to take things easy as well, and enjoy relaxing with a good book, a videogame or a DVD.  I also dabble with photography – mostly buildings and landscapes- and cookery.

This paragraph makes me a little dizzy.  There’s good information here, but it’s a little spastic in presentation.

I’m looking for that special someone that is rather unique.

We are all individuals!  Sorry, the word “unique” just strikes a weird chord with me.

I like people who don’t just go along with the crowd and have an independent mind. Someone who can challenge me on all sorts of issues and beliefs.

Lovely sentiments, but the second “sentence” isn’t a sentence.  Don’t worry – I’ll fix it!

An interest in politics would be awesome, as long as we can agree to disagree on some things.
An interest in gaming, (video and good old fashioned pen and paper RPGs) would be pretty cool as well. Most games more fun with two after all.

The parallel structure here is only made worse by the paragraph break.  Eek!

for fun:

I spend a lot of time reading, and I’m currently trying to improve my film knowledge after three years of hardly watching any movies at all. I enjoy video games and RPGs, but I don’t have as much time for them as I would like these days.

Since RPGs are mentioned in your main profile text, leave them out here.  No need to repeat yourself.

my job:

I’m a full time student, studying politics. Hopefully going on to do a Masters degree next

The period… it’s missing!  Oh no!  Oh wait, it’s not a sentence either!

my education:

I’m in the last months of my MA at Glasgow Uni.
Enjoyed it so much that I’m planning on doing a Masters degree in politics next year.

Another non-sentence!  All these non-sentences make your profile hard to read.  There’s no natural flow to the words.

favorite hot spots:

One of the advantages of Glasgow is the number of nice bars and cafes there. I’m a fan of the traditional pubs, especially ones with real ale. I’m equally at home in a cocktail bar though.

Enlighten me.  What’s “real” ale and how does it differ from “fake” ale?

last read:

Last book I finished reading was Ben Elton’s “Blind Faith”. It was ok, but not as good as his earlier novels.
I’m currently reading the Alastair Campbell Diaries and Philip K. Dick’s “The Simularca”.

Be sure that if you fill in this section, it is totally up-to-date.

Stay tuned for Hammer’s new profile!  Want a Profile Makeover of your own?  Click here to learn more.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

Speak Your Mind

*