An Adventurer’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Survival

This post is for all you single geeks.  Are you sitting at home feeling bitter while your buddies are out romancing their ladies?

It’s okay, we’ve all been there.   I’m here to entertain you and make you feel great about being single (for now!).

I’m sure we’ve all had a bad relationship before.  Here are some monsters that I sincerely hope you’re able to avoid in the quest for your geek’s dream girl:

The Unflushable

(Credit:  Jeff from Coupling)

I don’t accept!

CLASS TRAITS

Role:  Striker.  She is the girlfriend you just can’t manage to dump, no matter how hard you try.  She always finds a way to bob back up and into your life.

Key Abilities: Charisma, Intelligence, Wisdom

Bonus to Defense: +2 Will

Trained Skills: Heal.   From the class list skills below, choose three more trained skills at first level: Acrobatics, Athletics, Bluff, Diplomacy, History, Insight, Perception, Streetwise

At-Will Power: Annoyance.  Everything about the Unflushable annoys you.  She’s possibly the most irritating person you know… and you’re her boyfriend!  Why?

Encounter Power: Public Humiliation.  The Unflushable says something around your friends that will certainly cause you pain for years to come.

Daily Power: Hidden History.  Trigger:  You try to dump her.  Effect:  She whips out some sort of juicy story about desires that you never knew she had.  You’ll dump her tomorrow for sure!

Baby Fever

“My biological clock is tick-tick-ticking!”

CLASS TRAITS

Role: Leader.  The Baby Fever is the ultimate planner.  She’s already written the family Christmas letter about your children.  What children?  The ones you’re going to give her, of course!

Key Abilities: Wisdom, Intelligence, Charisma

Bonus to Defense: +2 Will

Trained Skills: Nature. (She’s a master of her cycles!)  From the class list skills below, choose three more trained skills at first level:  Bluff, Insight, Perception, Thievery, Endurance

At Will Power: Oh! How Cute! The Baby Fever inflicts 1d4 annoyance damage every time she notices anything remotely related to babies.  2d4 damage if it’s an actual baby.  3d8 damage if she makes you hold it.

Encounter Power: “The Talk”.   When The Baby Fever has combat advantage, she backs you into a corner and starts in on the litany of reasons why you should immediately provide her with offspring.  To escape requires a Diplomacy roll that you can’t possibly make.  Sorry.

Monthly Power: Timely Seduction.   Let’s just say that she always manages to be out of crucial supplies at crucial times.

Succubus

“Do you know what I need?  Something only you can provide…”

CLASS TRAITS

Role: Controller.  Whether it’s your wallet or your life, you can bet that she’s the one wearing the pants in the relationship.

Key Abilities: Charisma, Intelligence, Dexterity

Bonus to Defense: +2 Will

Trained Skills: Intimidate.  From the class list skills below, choose three more trained skills at first level:  Acrobatics,  Athletics, Diplomacy, Bluff, Insight, Streetwise, Thievery

Golddigger Build

At-Will Power: Impress Your Friends.  She’s hot.  Not just hot.  Blindingly smoking hot.  No matter what she does to you, you’ll keep her around because she makes you look like a stud in front of your buddies.

Encounter Power Hint Drop.  It’s really too bad your Insight is so low because you fall for every time she drops a hint about something she’d like to have.

Daily Power (Level 1)Money Drain, 2d10 wallet drain

Daily Power (Level 5): Money Drain, 5d10 bank account drain

Daily Power (Level 10): Money Drain, 50d20 401k drain

Life Drainer Build

At-Will Power: Criticize Friends.   1d4+5 damage every time your friends leave the house.  “Why do you have to hang out with HIM?  He’s so horrible.   All you ever do is play Xbox and eat all the food in the house!  And WHY do your friends have to fart on my couch?

Encounter Power: Calendar QuickChange.   You were supposed to be DMing your Forgotten Realms campaign on Friday.  Big game since last week ended with a cliffhanger.   When you arrive home from work, your best suit is carefully draped over the bed alongside two tickets to the ballet.  Strangely, all your gaming buddies received emails from you cancelling the game.

Yearly Power: Will Sap. 1d4 reduction to Will Defense for every year you spend with the Life Drainer Succubus.  As you slowly wither away, you become a shell of your former self and an ATM for her every whim.

Moped / Butter Face

“I’ll find a thousand ways to keep you happy since my parents never had money to get me braces.”

CLASS TRAITS

Role: Defender.  This is the most loyal and obedient girlfriend a man could hope for.  She’s “one of the guys” and yet in every way a girl.  It’s really too bad she’s so ugly in the face.

Key Abilities: Strength, Dexterity, Intelligence

Bonus to Defense: +2 Reflex

Trained Skills: Athletics.  From the class list skills below, choose three more trained skills at first level:  Acrobatics, Bluff, Diplomacy, Endurance, Heal, Intimidate

At-Will Power: One of the Guys.  Can summon 1d4 pizzas, 1d6 bottles of beer, and 1d20 chicken wings in five minutes flat.

Encounter Power: Temptation.  She’s doing yoga in the living room in tiny, skin-tight pants.  You’re getting ideas.

Daily Power: Get Freaky.  It’s really a shame you can’t take her out to show her off to your friends, but every relationship has a downside, right?

Emo-Ergency

“Nobody understands me!”

CLASS TRAITS

Role: Striker.   The Emo-Ergency can strike at any time and when it does, your life grinds to a halt until you can figure out what’s wrong (pretty hard when the problem doesn’t exist anywhere but her mind).

Key Abilities: Constitution, Wisdom, Dexterity

Bonus to Defense: +2 Fortitude  (she’s gotta bounce back after all that cutting)

Trained Skills: Heal.  From the class list skills below, choose three more trained skills at first level:   Bluff, Diplomacy, Endurance, Insight, Intimidate, Perception

At-Will Power: Crocodile Tears.   At the drop of a hat, can turn on the waterworks, causing 1d6+3 damage (mostly a headache).

Encounter Power: Self-Mutilation.  Causes between 1d4 and 3d12 damage to self, possible irreparable damage to carpeting and upholstery.  Consult the table on page 157 for emergency room bills.

Randomly Occurring Power: Meltdown.  FYI – the Baker Act has nothing to do with Eberron.  You may have to look it up if you’re dating the Emo-Ergency.

Thanks to Anubis and his wife for helping out with this post.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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