We’re all searching for our dream person when we’re looking for someone new. Granted, the people we find might not fit the ideal – they might not share that fascination with astronomy, or they might carry a torch for Jewel’s music – but we’re willing to overlook the little stuff and see the big picture.
Until That Line is crossed. The Something, big or small, that means that the relationship isn’t even worth pursuing, because the mental acrobatics you’ll have to perform to even look at that person the same way are just too strenuous.
The Dealbreaker.
I have some half-joking dealbreakers – stuff that comes up in conversation with friends, where I laughingly say, “I could never date a person who…“ Music is one of the big ones that I always mention. A few years ago, my eardrum ruptured, and I couldn’t hear out of it for a week or so. As my hearing slowly returned, I still had fluid in that ear, so the pitches I heard with that ear were altered. This meant that when I heard Christmas carols for the whole holiday season, I heard them in two keys at the same time. I was miserable.
So, what if I dated someone who was completely tone-deaf, and loved to sing? Is that really a dealbreaker? What if the person was wonderful in every other respect? Most of the time, I think I’m joking when I say it would end the relationship, and it seems silly compared to a lifestyle choice like smoking or, I don’t know, petty theft.
But at the same time, I know that might be something that could chip away at me, slowly drive me nuts. Maybe I’d be doing myself and potential future dates a favor if I’m honest from the beginning. At the same time, I guess I won’t really know until I’m in that position (thankfully, my guy has a musical background).
Other dealbreakers might seem insurmountable, but in the context of the person, they cease to mean as much. Maybe you have an undying hatred for Tyra, and a potential girl loves Top Model. It’s sort of her guilty pleasure, though, and she’s so awesome that it seems silly to let that hangup get in your way. Soon, you learn to break out the iPod and the laptop when she’s watching her show, and you’ve even convinced her to give old episodes of Canadian Top Model a shot. Hey, Tricia Helfer is a Cylon, after all.
When you’re making your profile and perusing those of others, it’s not a bad idea to honestly assess your own dealbreakers. This doesn’t mean you need to go into them, or, God forbid, list them on your profile! Nobody wants to read about what you don’t want. Still, it doesn’t hurt to have a clear idea of what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Oh, and remember: you’re not looking for a clone! Half the fun of relationships is adding to your own knowledge, and getting introduced to new music, movies and activities that you wouldn’t have otherwise.
So if that girl has never seen Battlestar: Galactica, and she loves Reaper, don’t fret. Who knows? You might both discover something new (unless she’s tone deaf – then, run for the hills!).
So, how about you? Do you have dealbreakers? Have you ever discovered one wasn’t really that important?
About j
Heh. I have a tremendous list of deal-breakers… and I can’t think of a single one that I haven’t let slide at some point (okay, this is not counting extremely obvious stuff like “must not eat kittens”). Inflexibility is an actual serious deal-breaker, and it would be a sad world indeed if I couldn’t date myself.
Vegetarianism.
Can’t do it. An important part of the fundamental human relationship is sharing meals together. I am simply not interested in dating someone who I can’t eat with. I mean, I have vegetarian friends, but presumably I’m spending the rest of my life with this person. It’d be a total Will and Grace situation; like a heterosexual person dating a gay person. No one would have fundamental needs fulfilled and they’d just wind up being messed up.
There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with vegetarianism. I would ‘hook up’ with someone for fun, but in the long run, food is very important to me. (I mean..without it, you’re dead!)
Others are religious fundamentalism (No Creationists!) and racism, but..those are fairly ingrained in society as “No goes” anyway.
But no, really, vegetarianism is the one thing that causes me to “click off” as it were.
Smoking does it for me, as I’m allergic. Drug use, too.
Zealotry, religious or otherwise. Be passionate, but if it looks like you might hurt someone about it, or care more about the cause than about me, we’re pretty much done.
But just to note, messerole, not all creationists are fundamentalists. Classifying them as such is judgemental at best.
@Kevin – I had a really hard time thinking of anything that was an ABSOLUTE dealbreaker (that might actually occur in nature), which I guess is a good thing. I think when people are TOO rigid in their expectations, they set themselves up for disappointment.
@messerole – I saw a T-shirt recently that said something like “Meat is tasty, tasty murder.” Somehow you just reminded me of it…
@Graham – Yeah, as I read back over my post, I did think it was funny that I mentioned smoking as a lifestyle choice over something heavier, like drugs, but I’m allergic too. I guess to me it’s more of a physical obstacle.
Mmm… murder…
Yeah, I only have a few dealbreakers, but they are good ones, and for good reasons. I literally can’t share a house with a smoker, for instance. I want nothing to do with illegal drugs, only partly because my uncle is a cop. And, while I can be tolerant of whatever your beliefs are, zealotry indicates that you won’t be tolerant of mine, which I can’t accept.
Oh!
Girls who want to date you to “change” you. They can go to hell, too.
@ Graham – I dated and lived with ONE smoker. Luckily, he always smoked outside so our place didn’t reek. The worst part was when he was quitting and going through withdrawal… ugh. Worst time ever.
Heh. I couldn’t even do that.
If someone goes to smoke outside, and then walks by me in the same jacket they just smoked in, it gives me a headache. If they stand there, it makes my breathing tight.
But withdrawl? That’d be even worse.
smoking. totally. (also allergic)
drugs.
drinking beyond the ‘social’ level (2 drinks in an evening out tops, less is preferable)
zealotry (@Graham – great word
)
non-animal-lover (can’t live without pets!)
it’d have to be someone downright freakin’ incredible to get me to bend on any of those….the most likely is relaxing the definition of ‘social’
@Sandrinnad -
Thanks. Vocabulary rocks!
Though you might want to change your “non-animal-lover” (which includes those of us who are indifferent and could go either way) to “animal-hater” or someone who definitely does not want pets.
@Graham – vocabulary does indeed rock
probably a good point on the animals….it’s hard to know just how to put something like that.
Maybe you have a sticking point there. But I don’t want to date a creationist or a fundamentalist, so. Yeah.
It seems that I have the same dealbreakers as most people around here:
- Zealotry
- Smoking
- Intolerance/need to change me. (I like my geekiness very well, thank you very much!)
And also a lack of general interest (history, science etc….), but that isn’t a dealbreaker more of a “no deal starter”