“OH MY GOD! HE’S COMING RIGHT AT ME!! AAAAAAAAAAA!”
This is the thought that you want furthest from the mind of the women you email, right?
Too bad your email makes her think that very thought.
What? Really, e?
Really, Geek Friends. Really.
Thundering Toward the Castle
Let me give you an example of a first contact email that someone shared with me (some details changed to protect the not-so-innocent):
Hi (insert girl name here),
I notice that you have seen Ben Folds live every time he’s been within 3 hours of town. I like his stuff, but haven’t seen him live – it must be worth it if you have done it so many times. What’s your favorite song by him?
I am sure you hear this a lot but you are absolutely beautiful! I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you.
If you have a chance to take a look at my profile in your spare time, perhaps something might catch your eye and if so, I’d welcome the opportunity to take this a little further. A movie, drinks, or a dinner? Your choice, my treat. What do you say?
- (insert your name here)
This email started out GREAT – he mentioned details about her profile and tied them to his own interests. But then he launched into two big no-no’s:
- He mentioned her physical appearance.
- He got wimpy and begged her to pleeeeease look at his profile.
- He skipped over several steps in the online dating process and went straight to asking her out on a date!
How This Looks From Her Standpoint
- “Oh look, this guy emailed me.”
- “His default pic is pretty cute, I wonder what he’s gonna say.”
- “Oh cool! He likes Ben Folds too.”
- “Ugh, seriously? This is turning into every other email from every other pervvy guy who thinks I’m hot and wants into my pants.”
- “The only thing that’s catching my eye is he’s probably some perv who only emailed me because I’m pretty and like Ben Folds.”
- “WHAT? A date? Um, I don’t even KNOW this guy and he wants to take me out already?”
- “Um, uh… I don’t even know how to reply to that. I think I’ll just delete it.”
It’s All About Comfort Zone
Assume that the average girl doing online dating isn’t 100% comfortable with meeting people in real life that she’s only experienced in pixels.
Now imagine forcing the idea of not only meeting her ASAP, but meeting her in the context of hopefully eventually having a love/sex relationship.
Yeah. It feel just like the person taking the picture of the jousting knight. It’s big and scary, it has a mask on, and it’s COMING RIGHT FOR YOU!!!
Keeping your romantic interests comfortable will help you make that date happen – when the time is right. In a first contact email, the only thing you should propose is that she answers one more question you have about her.
In fact, our mystery bachelor above could have cut out everything below the first question mark and had a great first contact email.
Short. Sweet. NOT Scary.
You can do this, Geek Friends. I have faith in you and your mighty steed. Take things at a steady trot and you’ll get to the castle with the maiden by your side.
About e
I’m going to agree to disagree. While it’s true some women don’t want to go out right away, there are others that do. I’ve had a lot of successful dates just by flat out asking right away (Why they didn’t work out in the long run varies from gal to gal..)
The trick is to target your approach. Is she a ‘good girl’ or a ‘bad girl’? Are there lots of piercings and tattoos? How does she dress? Does she mention sex on her profile? If so, she’s probably more daring and willing to meet right away.
IF she seems a little more conservative, shy or unsure, then yes, your above column would be correct.
There is definitely benefit for coming on strong. I would personally reccomend trying both approaches and seeing what style ‘works’. After all, part of this process is building your own confidence, and there’s nothing more helpful than going up to a girl you don’t know and being like “Wanna go out?” and then she says, “Sure!”
Those are also two very good things to avoid from the perspective that in a relationship you want to be the one in charge. If you immediately start fawning over a girl before she even talks to you, you’re ceeding control right away, and she has no incentive to make an effort for your approval. In the same fashion, by asking her out immediately you’ve put yourself into a postion where you’re vunerable and she’s in the position of giving or denying what you want.
Love and dating doesn’t have to be a chess game, but let’s face two facts here:
1- We’re geeks. If there’s anything we’re good at, it’s strategy wargames.
2- It may be a bit over the top to think of dating in terms of strategy and control, but it’s PRACTICAL, and if we were in a position to not stack the deck in our favor, we wouldn’t be using a dating service or reading sites to help us write better e-mails, would we?
Instead, take a look at her profile and study it, the same way we study anything else we’re serious about. That’ll tell us a few things that we need to know.
Re: how attractive she is, take a look at how much effort she’s made on her profile to seem attractive. If she’s got lots of pictures, or the pictures she does have are good quality or display her at her best, she WANTS to be seen as attractive. If she’s just got a headshot that could be any old picture, she doesn’t care. Either way, complimenting her looks is a bad idea. If she doesn’t care, you’ll look shallow or focused on something she doesn’t feel is important. If she does care, acting like you don’t notice means that if she wants approval on her appearance she’ll have to actively try to get it from you. That means she’ll have to ask about it, subtly ask about it by sending you more pictures, or even make her more inclined to ask for/accept dates so she can show off and garner your approval.
It’s not like she’s going to throw herself at you because you didn’t say “You look Hot!” but it helps.
Once she IS fishing, you can give her some approval, but don’t overdo it or you’ve lost your advantage. Something that’s understated, specific, and non-intimate will do. “I like the picture you sent. The dress you’re wearing really compliments the blue in your eyes well.” would work well. “You’re the most beautiful goddess ever”, “That looks nice”, or “God you have great boobs” won’t. In fact, the last one is pretty much guarenteed to get you blocked.
Re: Asking her for a date, the first paragraph in the example is golden. If you casually discuss things you like to do or that you might have in common that you think she might find enjoyable without actually offering; something like adding “I hear Ben Folds is going to be in town on XYZ. I’ll have to go see the him then.” or “I see in your profile you like dining at places like ABC. I love going there too! Last time I was there the waiter (funny anecdote here). Man! now that I think about it, I haven’t been there in FOREVER!” means that you’re placing yourself in situations/at events that she (should) find enjoyable, associating you with them and making her want to experience them, BUT you haven’t actually invited her. This means if she’d like to go to that concert, or have dinner, SHE has to bring it up. Then when you agree you’re getting your date AND giving her what she wants, as opposed to her doing YOU a favor.
Matthew J. Neagley´s last blog post..TV Case Study: Life
@Matthew J. Neagley: A very well written differing opinion. I do like the analysis and suggestions. The reason we geeks are here online getting rejected is because these ideas are not intuitive to us due to our lack of social experience. Well, I say we and us, but I know that holds true for me.
@allanonmage
I wouldn’t call it a differing opinion. More supplamentary. And yeah, me too. “Knowing” “how things work” and not being a drooling idiot when talking to a woman are often two distinct skills.
Matthew J. Neagley´s last blog post..You Are Not The Director