Geek's Dream Girl
If you’re skimming through online dating profiles, are there words that immediately turn you off?
For example, here are some common words that set my trigger finger to click “block” for my clients:
Here’s another example of a trigger word that set off Propagandroid in the comments of J’s post about “curvy” girls:
What do you think? Are there words that immediately turn you off? Are they related to bad experiences in the past or is it just a gut reaction?
About eSince 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! By day, she is the Copywriter at ThinkGeek, where her greatest challenges are coming up with enough Star Wars jokes that only reference the good movies and remembering which supers are Somethingman, Something Man, or Something-man. She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)
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“Douchebag”. Now I often use this very evocative word to describe people I don’t like. But it doesn’t belong in a dating profile. But for some reason lots of girls use it in theirs. “Don’t be a douchebag.” or “You should message me if: You’re not a douchebag.”
To me that seems to be the biggest indication that the person themselves are a “douchebag” using the same logic that people who decry drama in their profiles are themselves made of drama, or people that rail against theoretical future date having ex issues themselves have ex issues.
So yeah, don’t use that word in your profile. I’d actually say don’t use any quasi swear word in your profile. But this one really got to me.
Okay, e, since you’re in the business of writing other people’s dating profiles, what are some of the words you virtually always eliminate when you find them in the profiles you’ve been asked to improve?
@ mwalimu – I’ve mentioned a few in the post and will be writing about some others in the near future. I just wanted to see what my readers thought!
“Married, looking to get Divorced.” or some variation. Have the decency to end what you have before looking for another one, dammit -_-
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there’s a raft of words that indicate that the girl was hurt in her previous relationship, like ‘honesty’ and ‘faithfulness’. it’s more or less a given that people want those things in a partner — you don’t see many ‘lies’, and ‘cheating’ on the hotlist — but these words tell me that the girl’s previous bf hurt her, and she’s being guarded. i don’t like going into a dating roll with a -4 circumstance penalty, so those get axed.
any mention of ‘four-wheelers’, ‘big trucks’, ‘military’, or ‘country girl’ is also out — not my culture — along with any picture that includes a baby or a guy (even if scratched out).
‘liberal’ or ‘conservative’ both get nixed; if someone’s defined by these things they’re not thinking about the issues anymore, they’ve decided on them, and that line of conversation is just going to be frustrating.
‘cats’. also bad in a profile. cats smell.
okay, so i’m picky.
@b.vandgrift
While I’d agree on ‘faithfulness’, there are times when ‘honesty’ is not indicative of a bad past.
I, for instance, place an exceptionally high value on honesty. If a girl asks me if her dress looks good, and it doesn’t, I’ll tell her that and explain precisely why. If I ask her what’s wrong, I expect a full answer, rather than “nothing, don’t worry about it”. This is not due to me having had bad experiences with dishonesty in the past, but rather due to me just not being a fan of the little daily lies that are so common in our culture, and I just can’t date someone who can’t work past this cultural limit for me.
‘Liberal’ and ‘conservative’ also don’t necessarily mean you aren’t thinking about the issues anymore (though Democrat and Republican can mean that). They may not be middle-ground on a lot of issues, but that doesn’t intrinsically mean they aren’t willing to discuss or debate the issues. I would self-identify as liberal (in the political sense, not the “political party” sense), yet I’ll be the first to admit both sides have their points, and will debate the issues with anyone who wants to.
Heck, I’ll even argue for the opposite side, just to get people talking about the issues instead of blindly accepting their initial beliefs.
It’s the same with religion. Someone may identify themselves as “christian” or “atheist”, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to discuss religion. You don’t have to be an agnostic to see the other points of view.
But yeah, cats smell. Though so do dogs.
And children.
When I was in college, the people next to me had a ferret as a pet. Smelliest. Animal. Ever.
I mentioned this in a previous post, but when a guy brings up his sarcastic personality – specifically, stuff along the lines of “If you can’t handle my sarcasm, get out” – it puts me off. Maybe he just means he’s funny, but there’s often a fine line between “sarcastic” and “mean.”
@Graham
While ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ do not always mean they aren’t thinking about the issues anymore, the problem is the vast majority of the time they do. It is basically like I said in the discussion about the word ‘curvy’. Why risk putting off potential mates for something that is not supremely important? If it is that important, then chances are they probably have made up their minds (which I don’t believe is a bad thing, some people are strongly leaning one way or the other, and want a mate that has the same opinion).
@J
If sarcasm can be a turn off, how would you recommend that be approached in a dating profile? I actually do happen to be sarcastic funny, and I do recognize there is a very thin line between sarcastic funny and sarcastic mean (which means if I feel it can be taken wrong, or I am in company that does not know me very well, I tone it down – which actually helps the humor, because people aren’t suspecting it when I do make the joke).
I disagree, Jeremy. While “liberal” or “conservative” definitely mean they lean to that one side, it does not necessarily mean they aren’t open to discussion.
Heck, in order to discuss an issue, you need a starting point. If my starting point is usually liberal, then that’s what I’ll put.
But it’s a useful tag, nonetheless. Like religion, people usually want to date someone who matches their political views a bit. If I’m liberal, I won’t necessarily go after the conservative girl (it would make for some tense times in our house, especially when raising kids, if I did). And if I’m moderate and want someone else who is similarly moderate, I won’t go after those who identify with either side strongly. Very much like religion.
re: the sarcasm thing -
Why not just put that you’re funny? Does it matter all that much just how you’re funny, in your dating profile? Trust me, it’ll come out as soon as you start communicating with her (and feel free to state it once you start emailing, if you want to).
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@Graham
I certainly agree there is some usefulness in the tag for some people. However, you also sort of make my point when you talk about where a person’s “starting point” is. If a person has a general leaning in political discussions before hearing the relevant facts, that sort of indicates they have already “made up their mind”, at least for a default argument.
I don’t really want to get too deep into this, as a dating site is not really the place to hold discussions on the psychology of political leanings. I’ll just reiterate what I said. If you happen to have a leaning one way or another and want someone that matches, I see no problem with that, but the natural consequence of that is some people will pass you by because of it.
Oh, no arguments that some people will pass you by because of it. But it’s a preference, not a “trigger word”. It’s not misleading or a sign that you’re a bad date in general, just that you’re not right for that person.
Again, I compare to calling yourself “christian”. It will make come people pass you by, but I wouldn’t lump it in with the trigger words this article is discussing.
As for the first paragraph, I don’t think e minds that much. But I’d just like to say one thing.
If you can come into a debate, ANY debate, with no initial position on the subject, you’re a far more fair man that I, and 99% of all other people, are.
It’s not a bad thing to have an initial opinion. You can’t be swayed by debate if you don’t have that opinion. Even if that opinion is “Hmm… that sounds reasonable.”, you almost always have some sort of opinion before even your own internal debate starts.
But, IMO, it doesn’t mean you’ve made up your mind. That indicates a fixed, set outlook, which an opinion is not. Opinions can be swayed, altered. When they no longer can, it becomes far more than opinion, and turns into your Decision about the topic instead.
Just my opinion.
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@Graham
Well, both a religious leaning and a political leaning are something that would make me pass someone by, but you are correct, the article does seem to be referring to things that aren’t a preference, so I will agree with you on that. However, I personally feel that is a relative position. Your trigger words may not be the same as other people’s, and I agree with b.vandgrift that ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ could be included (as could religion). As other examples, I had a friend who had a weakness for dramatic women. He liked getting into full blown shouting arguments, seeing the women throw things around, etc. (although not to the point he would intentionally incite them). Of course, the other way to describe such a person is overly passionate. I personally have a weakness for the princess type. I tend to be a bit indulgent on myself, so someone else who was similar wouldn’t necessarily get a pass. Of course, as in all things moderation is key, but I frequently suspect love is not so much an admiration of another person’s perfections as it is an enjoyment of someone else’s flaws.
To answer your other point, I do typically approach debates with no initial opinion. There are several reasons why, one of which is exactly what you said, I can’t be swayed by debate, or perhaps a more precise description is that I can’t be marginalized by debate. It seems like quite often debates are reduced into two options, and most of the debate is related to attacking the other side rather than promoting their side. By simply not holding an opinion, it forces people to prove their opinion to me, using facts and specifics, something that seems to be seriously lacking in most debates.
Another reason I try to forgo initial opinions is because I recognize I honestly only have a few areas of expertise. Outside of those I can’t really hold an informed opinion, and I consider an uninformed opinion to be quite dangerous, so I do not try to hold one.
I do understand that having an opinion is different from having your mind made up, but people do have a natural tendency to not want to be proven wrong. I personally have found that in the past I tended to argue too strongly for my weak initial opinions, and since I have that flaw, I work around it by trying to just not form the initial opinions.
To answer your other point, I do typically approach debates with no initial opinion. There are several reasons why, one of which is exactly what you said, I can’t be swayed by debate, or perhaps a more precise description is that I can’t be marginalized by debate. It seems like quite often debates are reduced into two options, and most of the debate is related to attacking the other side rather than promoting their side. By simply not holding an opinion, it forces people to prove their opinion to me, using facts and specifics, something that seems to be seriously lacking in most debates.
I don’t know, man.
It looks to me like both of us just had a debate, which each of us came into with our own initial opinions, and reached a mutually agreeable conclusion.
It’s not that I think debates without initial opinions are bad, though.
I just think that, in most cases, they’re almost impossible.
Those initial opinions I’m talking about aren’t a conscious choice, but really are just the base feeling you get when you hear the topic in the first place.
Again, I don’t know about you, but I know I can’t forego my base instincts when a topic arises. Even if I later change that opinion, I can’t prevent it from forming.
If you can, I’m impressed. And a bit skeptical
, but mostly impressed.
Graham´s last blog post..32 hours of D&D gaming party!
Good gods, boys… is this even about the topic of the post anymore?
“Love to Travel” always irked me. I mean who doesn’t love to travel. If I had the money I’d be traveling all the time.
And “Must be funny”. What about you being funny hey. I think you ought to be selling what your also buying if you know what I mean.
~ I know I sound like a grumpy pants but still, those two drive me kabonkerz!
With regard to the religious thing, it’s more how it’s handled beyond the listing of what your religion is, it’s when they refer to themselves as “God fearing” or mention “high morals”, especially in the same sentence that those are trigger words for me, as an open minded “spiritual/not religious” person.