(Sorry, math geeks.)
My Monster Manual post was entitled “Are Your IM Buddies in the Monster Manual?”
For Monster Manual 2, we’re looking at all the uppity, down-ity, psychotic females you’ve ever known or dated. I even recruited some special guests and have featured their thoughts on the matter!
“Behirs eject their young from the lair shortly after birth, forcing them to fight to survive” (page 23).
She’s been tossed on the streets early by her folks and she thinks she’s “tough” because she made it on her own. She is tough, maybe not as tough as she thinks she is, but tough enough. She’s also super smart, but has a streak of bitchy a mile wide.
Beware of the Behir if you’re a legacy kid or your folks paid for your PhD. She will tear you to shreds.
No wonder Behirs often live alone.
Beholder Eye Tyrant
“The most horrible of all beholders, ultimate tyrants emerge from the Far Realm to spread dark madness in their wake” (page 26).
This girl is the ULTIMATE in crazy. Let’s go through her powers, shall we?
- Madness Ray: She causes you to turn against your friends.
- Unraveling Ray: She causes you to question your own sanity.
- Withering Ray: For some reason, you’ve entirely lost your sex drive.
- Burning Ray: This lack of sex drive might have to do with the burning sensation in your nether regions that cropped up recently.
- Telekinesis Ray: With one look, you know to run away – fast!
- Frost Ray: She’s frigid. (At least with you.)
- Petrifying Ray: She wakes up at the slightest motion or sound, so you spend the entire night awake, arms at your side, staring at the ceiling and trying not to breathe.
- Disintegrate Ray: For some reason, you’ve never once seen or heard from an ex-boyfriend of hers.
- Ray of Attraction: Despite all of these horrible things, she can still give you one look and you’re at her feet like a pathetic puppy dog.
- Ray of Repulsion: Sometimes she does this just to laugh at you and then kick you away.
(suggested by Katie Page, WotC PR)
“A darkmantle enveloper waits for a group to approach. Once a few targets are near, it attacks with shadowcry and then immediately drops down to use engulf against a dazed foe” (page 41).
Jeff from the BBC comedy Coupling called these “unflushables” because no matter how hard you try to rid yourself of this undesirable woman, she keeps popping back up. Or in this case, swooping back down.
As Katie says, “Just when you think you’re rid of her… BAM! In she swoops!“
Demon: Needle Demon
“Needle demons turn enemies against one another by making them believe that their closest friends have betrayed them” (page 56).
You had a bunch of friends before you started dating this girl. It was great – you had a super hot girlfriend AND an amazing group of buddies. That is, you thought you had an amazing group of buddies until she started telling you that they were making the moves on her and trying to steal her from you. HOW COULD THEY?
Demon: Yochlol Tempter
(suggested by James Wyatt, WotC)
“Typically starting a fight in drow form, a yochlol shifts between its forms in battle…. when pressed into melee, it adopts its true form and unleashes amorphous flurry. If the flurry reduces a foe’s Will, it shifts back into drow form to use seductive glare” (page 61).
She was a dark beauty, a temptress that you could not resist. You worshipped her, did her every bidding, made her your queen. But then, out of the blue, she’s all venom and nastiness. She breaks you down, kills your will to survive. Just when you think you’ve had enough, she is back to her beautiful self, luring you back into her clutches.
Drake: Bloodseeker Drake
“A bloodseeker drake is an aggressive hunter that enters a frenzy when it smells blood” (page 88).
This girl is smart. She wants to be wined and dined and pampered and she knows the best way to get that is by finding a guy who is freshly torn to shreds from a breakup. All she needs to do is give him a little attention and he’ll be allllllllll hers. It’s so easy, it should be illegal.
Mmmmm, nothing tastier than someone willing to do anything to feel alive again.
“Fey lingerers are eladrin knights and wizards who refuse to die. When younger, more vibrant foes challenge the lingerers’ strength, they retaliate furiously” (page 107).
You broke up with her MONTHS ago but she keeps stalking you and doing that “Heyyy, I didn’t know you’d be here!! That’s so weeeeird!” thing. When your new girlfriend excuses herself to the ladies’ room, the Fey lingerer rushes up to you and launches into the “What does she have that I don’t?” routine. Oh, maybe… she’s not crazy?
Golem: Chain Golem
(suggested by James Wyatt, WotC)
“Imbued with magic, these humanoid conglomerations of metal links enwrap foes in crushing chains. They specialize in pounding enemies, pulling them close, and immobilizing them” (page 133).
She’s got you, all right. You’re not going anywhere – not to the game store, not to your D&D game, not to your mother’s house. Heck, you can’t even go to the bathroom without asking permission. She pounds the life out of you until all you know is the feeling of being close to her cold, metallic heart.
Human Insane Noble
“A human insane noble rushes around the battlefield, making attacks at a maddening pace. Insane nobles are reckless, with no regard for their own safety” (page 146).
The human noble becomes the human insane noble after the breakup. Like most girls, you had no idea how insane she was until after you dumped her. Good thing you know now!
Graham says she’s “needy, self-centered, and has a “better than thou” attitude, coupled with a(n un)healthy dose of “If I can’t have you…. NOBODY can!!!!!”
“A hunger for metal drives the rust monster, and it heads straight for the closest enemy wearing metal armor or brandishing a metal melee weapon” (page 178).
Josh points out that “the last thing you’d want after a failed relationship is all your collectible magical gear turned into poop-dust. She’d wreck up your stuff or pawn it for coats and makeup so she can seduce that studly goliath she’s had her eyes on.”
(Or maybe the rust monster is the girlfriend who crashes your car!)
(suggested by Emil Rodriguez, WotC PR)
“These shadowy humanoids pursue pleasure and pain, depravity and hedonistic excess – any rush of sensation to forestall the Shadowfell’s gloom” (page 180).
Does this scream “cutter” to anyone else? Date a Shadar-Kai and you can guarantee yourself an emo-ergency at least once a week!
Emil agrees: “You know her next boyfriend would be some annoying hipster emo rocker.“
Star Spawn: Maw of Acamar
(suggested by James Wyatt, WotC)
“The star Acamar is a corpse star, a dead star of inky nothingness that devours other stars that draw too close. The maw of Acamar is that star’s hunger made real, an avatar of devastation that eats everything in its path. The maws are deadlier still when encountered in numbers; they crowd around a foe and tear him in half as they pull him in several directions at once” (page 196).
The maw of Acamar is a starf*cker.
She wants nothing more than to be near people who are famous and she’ll kill to get there. She’s the crazed fan at the Jonathan Coulton concert who would probably tear off one of his limbs just so she could take it home and snuggle it.
(suggested by Bruce Cordell, WotC)
“A creature that intrudes into the forest protected by wood woads is held responsible for the actions of all previous intruders” (page 214).
The wood woad makes a “perfect” ex-girlfriend, the kind you don’t want, because it’s all about vengeance. I mean, just look at the wood woad’s two powers.
First, there’s Nature’s Judgment. It knows all your shortcomings, and it’s not shy about sharing them with its friends. The more the wood woad drags your name through the mud, the stronger it and its friends become.
Follow that up with Nature’s Mystery, and you’re done. There’s something about the wood woad that is plain unsettling. Whenever you used to argue, you usually lost. But the rare few times you won the argument, you still lost. It’s a mystery.
Thank you to all of my Wizards of the Coast and blogger friends who helped contribute to this article! Be sure to click on their names and follow them on Twitter!
And while you’re on the intarweb, why not pick up a copy of Monster Manual 2 at amazon.com? You can never have too many ex-girlfriends monsters!