Dear Anon-O-Box,
How do you suggest someone approach an interest they consider virtually a requirement in a long-term partner, but which are not really appropriate to include in an online dating profile? An example that comes to mind is a strong interest in BDSM.
- Kinky Is The Whole Chicken
Dear Kinky Chicken,
For starters, good for you for knowing what you want from life and love! You would not believe the amount of people who keep their inner desires pent up, marry someone they’re incompatible with, and then end up totally miserable. You, sir, are to be commended for your honesty.
So, about that profile…
You have a few options here. The first option is to put your online dating profile on a site that caters to people of similar interests. Then you can be as open and direct as you want about the type of person you want to date and nobody will bat an eyelash.
The second is to go to a “traditional” online dating site that caters to the more adventurous crowd. OkCupid seems to have a more than healthy dose of alternative relationships, including folks interested in BDSM, trinogamy, polyamory, the whole lot.
The third way is the harder way, but if you are hellbent on using a big dating service, it’s the only way to go. Since even vanilla folks shouldn’t mention sex in their online dating profile, you really can’t either. What you can do is search for people who show the hallmarks of having an open mind to such things.
I’ll be the first to say this doesn’t work 100% – I’ve been shocked myself when people I thought I knew well admitted to doing interesting things behind closed doors. However, you can usually weed out the people you know wouldn’t be interested.
If you are looking for people who could be persuaded to join your lifestyle, then I’d recommend going on a few dates with someone and feeling them out to see if they’d be an appropriate match for you.
If you want someone who is experienced (or at least very interested) in the lifestyle, then you have to be open to being rejected and insulted by people who won’t “get it” if you’re using a traditional dating site.
Because of this, I’d recommend not sharing pictures right away if you’re using a traditional dating site to find BDSM partners. (Besides, if you’re the D, it’s your right to only share what you want!) Once you share about your interest to someone via email, you can never be entirely sure how they’re going to react. The last thing you want is your match.com photos plastered all over town with the headline “SEX OFFENDER!” (Because really, there are people who are that stupid.)
Sadly, there’s no straight answer for this question. If there are folks from the BDSM community reading this who can give us some real-life examples of how they handle online dating, we’d be happy to hear from you in the comments!
About Anon-O-Box
“(Besides, if you’re the D, it’s your right to only share what you want!)”
As a Dominant, I would disagree with this. In establishing a relationship based on power exchange (even if just a bit of spanking), it’s the responsibility of both sides to share information so that each can make an informed consent. I would say it’s your responsibility to share what is needed.
Having said that, I would say that in mainstream dating services, I have not explicitly indicated a preference for S&m or Dominant/submissive activities. I revert back to some time-honored traditions that were used in old “classified ads” back in the 70s and 80s, before the Internet.
I’ve seen and used keywords like “traditional roles”, “strong man”, “take in hand”, “english manners” to be recognizable signals. I’ve also done my homework and sought profiles where the lady would indicate a similar interest in “traditional roles” or perhaps she indicates where a man will ‘take charge’.
I would say that a great many ads on the mainstream sites that indicate an open mind are usually more fantasies and wishful thinking or people who are titillated with the idea. You have to be careful. The advice of getting to know someone first and feeling a comfort level is a good one.
I concur with the advice of using dating sites geared towards kink/bdsm, but be warned that many of these have become more about scammers and less about real people. It seems that good dating sites tend to have about a year or two run before the spam/scams take over and people move on to another site. I’ve found this in my experiences over the years, from the old forums on AOL/Prodigy/MSN to sites like alt.com, bondage.com and collarme.com – so far, Fetlife.com seems to be the best bet for this so far.
Hmm… Good advice, EO, though that language seems to be more for male dominant/female submissive.
I have to wonder what sort of language people seeking the reverse might use. Any idea?
.-= Graham´s last blog ..Damn you, Dave! You and your… logic… =-.
@EO – Thank you for your feedback! I’m glad you stopped by to share your knowledge.