You’re psyched about this online dating thing. You’re gonna get LAID, baby! You bought a bunch of ebooks giving you the tools to be a dominant male uber pickup artist extreme, or better yet, you skipped paying this month’s electric bill so you could buy a really expensive course with videos and mp3s and a self-hypnosis track. Every morning you wake up feeling like more of a MAN! *grunt!*
Now it’s time to get out there on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. (As a dominant male, you pay NO ONE to get you dates – well, other than those other dominant males who you paid lots of money to earlier. That doesn’t count. Obviously.)
As an uber dominant male pickup artist, it is important for your profile to send a clear message. What is that message? That you are the best man on this site and that women are mouth-breathing pond scum if they don’t contact you.
Be sure to use words like:
- alpha male
- stunningly handsome
- stunningly sexy
- stunningly successful
End your profile with a challenge. “I’m probably way more man than you’re worth, but if you think you can handle me, send me an email.”
As a male uber dominant pickup artist, you should have an amazing portfolio of pictures to show the women who may be worthy of touching your frank and beans one day.
You must have the following:
- Head shot (preferably from a professional photographer)
- Shots of you engaged in some alpha male activity such as riding a motorcycle, bench pressing an extraordinary amount of weight, building a skyscraper, or dominating a board room meeting.
- Shot of you topless, showing off your powerful physique (+5 uber points for 6 pack)
- “Social proof” shot – you in the center of a gaggle of attractive women
Most importantly, the photo you will send after the first contact stage of emails is over:
- Shot of your package from whatever angle is necessary to make it look huge, throbbing, and virile. (Women say they don’t want this, but they do. They can’t resist it. It’s biology, baby. That picture says, “I’m man enough to seed your womb with my genetically superior offspring.”)
Finding Your Targets Dates
As a male dominant uber pickup artist, it is important to choose your targets dates wisely. Don’t waste your time on women who describe themselves with the same words you use to describe yourself. Because seriously, if you wanted to date YOU, you’d be in your bedroom with a DVD and some lotion.
Find targets women who use phrases that imply a lack of confidence. For example:
- “I don’t know what I’m doing here…”
- “I’m not sure I have a type, really… I just want a nice guy.”
- “Tired of games and lies…”
- “Wishing my prince would come sweep me off my feet…”
These targets women are prime targets dating material. They’re waiting for a strong, sexy, confident man like you to tell them what they want.
What do they want? YOU. (Duh, who doesn’t?)
Find the targets women who are hotties but don’t realize they’re hotties. These are the easiest targets women to score dates with and the easiest targets women to bed.
First Contact Emails
Some people will say these are vital, and that if you mess it up and send a cut and paste email to every target woman on your favorites list, that nobody will write back.
This is a crock of bull.
You are an uber pickup male dominant artist! Anything you send to a woman is golden, charismatic, and totally amazing. Just follow this simple formula:
Subject: The Guy Above Me Sucks
Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.
Women love emails like this! You stroked her ego and then made it look like she had a chance with you, but ONLY if she bends over backwards (pun intended!) to fit into your bed schedule.
When She Writes Back
Notice I didn’t say “if.” You’re a male pickup uber artist dominant, of COURSE all the women you write with my awesome formula are going to write you back! In fact, they’re going to write you back and simply BEG to be seen in public with you, wrapping their slender arms around your massive guns.
The next step is to be sure she is who she claims to be in her profile. Women love to lie. They lie about their age, their weight, everything important. Once you get her on the hook, you’ll want to verify that she is indeed worth your precious time.
Ask her for her current height, weight, and bra size. Alternatively, insist she chat via Skype so you can assess what she looks like. If she’s anything less than her profile, she’s a liar and a skank and should be treated accordingly. This includes if she has a voice that would distract you from the task at hand when you’re in bed later. (Unless you have a ball gag. I do!)
From First Date To First F- Falling In Bed
As a pickup uber dominant artist male, you’ll obviously impress her with your fine physique and unmatchable charm when you meet in person. The key to getting her in bed is to make her really insecure. The experts will call this “cocky and funny.” Basically this means insult her in a way that’s funny (to you, at least). Once you’ve beaten her down and gotten her thinking you’re going to leave her for that hottie at the bar, then she’ll be clawing at your pants to prove that she’s the better woman.
Easy, no? Now you can lather, rinse, and repeat until you’re getting action every night of the week. Sweet.
And that, my friends, is the Dominant Male Uber Pickup Artist’s Guide to Getting Laid Using Online Dating.
Obviously, this article is a complete joke. If you liked it, tweet it. If you’re single, I’d like to help fix that in a way that doesn’t make you look like the douchebag described in this article. Click here to learn more.