You’re psyched about this online dating thing. You’re gonna get LAID, baby! You bought a bunch of ebooks giving you the tools to be a dominant male uber pickup artist extreme, or better yet, you skipped paying this month’s electric bill so you could buy a really expensive course with videos and mp3s and a self-hypnosis track. Every morning you wake up feeling like more of a MAN! *grunt!*
Now it’s time to get out there on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. (As a dominant male, you pay NO ONE to get you dates – well, other than those other dominant males who you paid lots of money to earlier. That doesn’t count. Obviously.)
Your Profile
As an uber dominant male pickup artist, it is important for your profile to send a clear message. What is that message? That you are the best man on this site and that women are mouth-breathing pond scum if they don’t contact you.
Be sure to use words like:
- assertive
- dominant
- take-charge
- alpha male
- charismatic
- handsome
- stunningly handsome
- sexy
- stunningly sexy
- successful
- stunningly successful
End your profile with a challenge. “I’m probably way more man than you’re worth, but if you think you can handle me, send me an email.”
Your Pictures
As a male uber dominant pickup artist, you should have an amazing portfolio of pictures to show the women who may be worthy of touching your frank and beans one day.
You must have the following:
- Head shot (preferably from a professional photographer)
- Shots of you engaged in some alpha male activity such as riding a motorcycle, bench pressing an extraordinary amount of weight, building a skyscraper, or dominating a board room meeting.
- Shot of you topless, showing off your powerful physique (+5 uber points for 6 pack)
- “Social proof” shot – you in the center of a gaggle of attractive women
Most importantly, the photo you will send after the first contact stage of emails is over:
- Shot of your package from whatever angle is necessary to make it look huge, throbbing, and virile. (Women say they don’t want this, but they do. They can’t resist it. It’s biology, baby. That picture says, “I’m man enough to seed your womb with my genetically superior offspring.”)
Finding Your Targets Dates
As a male dominant uber pickup artist, it is important to choose your targets dates wisely. Don’t waste your time on women who describe themselves with the same words you use to describe yourself. Because seriously, if you wanted to date YOU, you’d be in your bedroom with a DVD and some lotion.
Find targets women who use phrases that imply a lack of confidence. For example:
- “I don’t know what I’m doing here…”
- “I’m not sure I have a type, really… I just want a nice guy.”
- “Tired of games and lies…”
- “Wishing my prince would come sweep me off my feet…”
These targets women are prime targets dating material. They’re waiting for a strong, sexy, confident man like you to tell them what they want.
What do they want? YOU. (Duh, who doesn’t?)
Find the targets women who are hotties but don’t realize they’re hotties. These are the easiest targets women to score dates with and the easiest targets women to bed.
First Contact Emails
Some people will say these are vital, and that if you mess it up and send a cut and paste email to every target woman on your favorites list, that nobody will write back.
This is a crock of bull.
You are an uber pickup male dominant artist! Anything you send to a woman is golden, charismatic, and totally amazing. Just follow this simple formula:
Subject: The Guy Above Me Sucks
Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.
Women love emails like this! You stroked her ego and then made it look like she had a chance with you, but ONLY if she bends over backwards (pun intended!) to fit into your bed schedule.
When She Writes Back
Notice I didn’t say “if.” You’re a male pickup uber artist dominant, of COURSE all the women you write with my awesome formula are going to write you back! In fact, they’re going to write you back and simply BEG to be seen in public with you, wrapping their slender arms around your massive guns.
The next step is to be sure she is who she claims to be in her profile. Women love to lie. They lie about their age, their weight, everything important. Once you get her on the hook, you’ll want to verify that she is indeed worth your precious time.
Ask her for her current height, weight, and bra size. Alternatively, insist she chat via Skype so you can assess what she looks like. If she’s anything less than her profile, she’s a liar and a skank and should be treated accordingly. This includes if she has a voice that would distract you from the task at hand when you’re in bed later. (Unless you have a ball gag. I do!)
From First Date To First F- Falling In Bed
As a pickup uber dominant artist male, you’ll obviously impress her with your fine physique and unmatchable charm when you meet in person. The key to getting her in bed is to make her really insecure. The experts will call this “cocky and funny.” Basically this means insult her in a way that’s funny (to you, at least). Once you’ve beaten her down and gotten her thinking you’re going to leave her for that hottie at the bar, then she’ll be clawing at your pants to prove that she’s the better woman.
Easy, no? Now you can lather, rinse, and repeat until you’re getting action every night of the week. Sweet.
And that, my friends, is the Dominant Male Uber Pickup Artist’s Guide to Getting Laid Using Online Dating.
Obviously, this article is a complete joke. If you liked it, tweet it. If you’re single, I’d like to help fix that in a way that doesn’t make you look like the douchebag described in this article. Click here to learn more.
About e
I hate to tell you this, but many men have seen this (or its equivalents) work too many times to think it’s a joke.
“Alternatively, insist she chat via Skype so you can asses what she looks like.”
I don’t think this is a typo.
Great article!
@ Herb – That’s why I like to present my site and services as deliciously different than the douchebaggery that pervades the market.
@ James – Ha! Good catch, good catch.
Freudian slip.
Nice! Actually, it’s pretty scary, because there really are products/ebooks that pretty much take this approach. Even more, as Herb says, some of that stuff works for some guys… Not sure what that says for the women on the sites…
Personally, I like the direct penile picture approach, no need to dilly dally with the small talk, just get right to the point! J/K
.-= Matt Savage´s last blog ..Examples of Good Male Dating Profiles =-.
@ Matt – It always shocked/amused me when I’d get a penis picture. It was like, “Um…. thanks?” I don’t really consider it to be a huge (pun intended) factor in my decision-making process. Actually, wait, I do. If you send me a penis picture, I’m going to decide not to date you.
Hilarious! Seriously, this is an absolute RIOT! I’m sending this link to pretty much everyone I know.
Sad thing is for every male out there that acts like that, there are also women out there who fall for that line. The ones who, tell you they don’t know how to handel someone as nice as you, and so on, so they go back to the ex who abused them, or find some douchebag to shack up with. TBH do you want someone like that, I don’t if I wasn’t unemployed and founds tight I would definitively take e up on one of her services she provides. Don’t settle for less than what you want. Us fellow geeks have earned the right
@ Paul – So true. There are women dumb enough to fall for this schtick. However, they’re generally not the kind of woman you’d want to be with in the long haul.
I’m hoping to help geeks to market themselves so they’re getting the dates they deserve.
@e – I totally agree that this approach on the part of males deserves to be lampooned, regardless of how successful it may be for a certain class of males targeting a certain class of females. Developing sustainable relationships is much more important than seeing how many women a man can bed.
Now you’ve got me thinking about what approach could be lampooned going in the other direction. I’ve suggested “The Rules” before, but maybe you have a better idea.
Entertaining article! You certainly have it right that far too many guys end up falling into this trap of seeming arrogance and superiority. Really though it is just another symptom of insecurity (I’m not enough as I am so I have to put on this fake persona in order to receive love).
I fought it for awhile, myself. Though… in my case it was the feeling that if I wasn’t widely known to be the best Hunter on my server the 300 days I’d spent on him would have been meaningless… Pretty sad ;]
The men doing these things aren’t necessarily all douche-bags deep down, but they are quite misguided. I should point out however that while the community you’re satirizing definitely has its flaws, you’re not really providing the most accurate of depictions.
Being dominant and “Alpha” is about being the guy (or girl) who is comfortable in their own skin and can handle themselves with competence and a cool head, and can steer social interactions to win-win outcomes.
It’s about being the kind of person who can lead and bring out the best in others. It’s most definitely not about being chest-thumping aggressive superior guy.
Picard, Obi-wan, Captain Adama, and Jason Bourne come to mind as examples of an Alpha guy of some stripe
As for cocky/funny, I’ve never actually heard it referred to in that way before, and the way you describe it doesn’t really apply. It’s basically just a way to describe how to engage in playful, humorous banter that doesn’t come off as clownish (all funny, with no tension).
It’s verbal jousting. There is nothing sexier than a girl who can engage me in a witty, tension filled repartee.
If the girl is punching your arm and calling you a jerk while obviously trying (and failing) to hold back a grin, or if she comes back at you with a line that you just can’t match, leaving you to do nothing but smile and acknowledge that you’ve been blown out of the water… then you’re doing it right (in this case though, you need to level your skills a bit ;]).
If you tease someone in a cruel way, or otherwise end up hurting their feelings whatsoever you have either gone way too far or you have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of playful teasing.
@ Michael – Thanks for the comments. I wasn’t going for 100% accuracy. 100% accuracy isn’t nearly as funny as 80%.
While this is quite funny, its certainly seen as an option for those lonely men who don’t get any “play.” After all, these guys always seem to be doing well with the ladies, so why no emulate them?
It’s always irritating to have to listen to how much of an asshole her current or ex boyfriend is, only to have her go right back to him.
I’ve even contemplated changing to such a radical approach for dating to see if I get different results. I think I’d be a little too good at it though, so I’d be worried about catching something I couldn’t get rid of.
You’ve got the general idea of the problems many men who read that material have, but you’ve fallen into a lot of common misinterpretations.
Most of that material says a lot of similar things to what you teach, as hard as it may be to believe. Nearly all of the material you’re referring to teach to always demonstrate that you’ve read a woman’s profile by asking her about one of the interests she listed. And they all preach against the shirtless photo.
For the Cocky/funny thing look at Michael G’s post.
I actually recall seeing an episode of CSI where some of the female characters met a guy who supposed to be a PUA guru. Obviously he was a clown who put up a front and tried to manipulate women with mind games.
While watching that my thought was, “Wow, only like %3 of those guys are like this.”
Sadly the most famous one is, and thus you have the public image of the whole thing.