Dear Anon-O-Box,
Soon after the word got out that my spouse wanted a divorce, I started getting asked out. While I’m flattered (and need to be flattered) right now, the divorce isn’t final yet and I don’t know what’s appropriate. It’s understood that I’m not looking for a new relationship yet, and while I think going out to be social would be fun and do me some good, I don’t want people to get the wrong impression. Is there a road map for any of this?
- Stung and Separated
Dear Stung,
It’s funny, isn’t it? You have a “problem” a lot of guys would love to have – you’re being asked out by a bunch of ladies! – but on the other hand, you’re in a situation that makes that “problem” a little awkward.
This situation is not unique – lots of men find that they’re approached immediately upon news of their separation or divorce. The only way I can think to explain it is this: these are often ladies you’ve been friends with while being married who carried a little torch for you, but never acted on it since you were attached. Now that you’re free, they’re jumping in to be the first to claim you before you’re snatched up again.
There’s nothing wrong with going out with these women as long as you make your intentions clear from the start. If you don’t want a relationship right now, be sure you communicate that in no uncertain terms.
As for the rest of the world? Life is too short to care about what the old ladies are gossiping about. If it makes you happy, do it!
If being part of the rumor mill would be harmful to you (due to your job or social standing the community), then it might be best to be social through more accepted means like attending or organizing a board game night or engaging in other mixed-gender group activities like bowling or movie outings.
Enjoy your new freedom and happy dating, geek friend!
About Anon-O-Box
I agree that they have probably fancied you for a while and up to now, have only had you in their dreams, now they have heard you are up for grabs(or almost so) they now feel OK about asking you out.
If you wana go out, go out, BUT do make it clear to the ladies that you are not looking for a relationship right now because your not ready.
@e or @j – I just read and reread the original note at least three times and I’m not seeing where the writer gives any indication whether they are a he or a she. How could you tell it was a he? (Or did you just assume?)
@ mwalimu – I knew who wrote it.
Anon-
I am a long-time reader, mostly-lurker on e’s blog. But your question resonated with me. I had a similar situation happen about 2 years ago, and found it very confusing and difficult– as you say, even positive attention can feel awkward.
My suggestion is to very strongly control what you do– only date if you feel comfortable doing it, and only as seriously as you want to pursue it. It took me a very long time to be “ready” to date even though I was dating throughout that time!
Mostly, you need to be fair to the other person. As long as she understands your situation she should know that a long-term commitment from you is very unlikely, but there is no reason to take advantage of that situation either. You really do not need to add any guilt to your life– you have plenty to deal with emotionally right now already.
Best of luck. At least the ladies are interested– keep that knowledge handy when you feel down.
PS – I should also mention that I am currently dating someone who e helped me find in a match.com search, after she helped me fix up my profile. Hire her!