Dear Anon-O-Box: I’ve Done Some… Things…
October 23, 2009 by Anon-O-Box
Filed under Geek Love
Dear Anon-O-Box,
I’ve done some bad things in the past and I am not proud of them. I fear these things I have done make me not eligible to date, though I am told by many people that I have a lot of good qualities (if it wasn’t for my past).
Not talking about it would be pretty much dishonest (it is major enough that it has to be known). I understand that only after people get to know me that I can reveal my bad deeds. With the females (I’m male) it has ended friendships that were not quite ready for the news (or never would have been ready). Any advice other than I am shit out of luck?
- SOL(?)
Y answers:
Dear SOL(?),
I have been looking for the perfect words of wisdom and advice for you after reading your e-mail. It is important that you don’t keep something so major a secret because nothing stays hidden forever and this would definitely be considered dishonesty.
I suppose it’s safe to say these bad deeds aren’t anything along the lines of stealing a pack of gum or even a warehouse full of gum when you were 17. That being said, what I can offer you is a bit of perspective.
My first impression was that you must have done some terrible things that even your preexisting friends would choose to sever all ties with you upon finding out. Memories of my own horrible experiences flooded back into my head and I felt a wave of loathing and disgust. Suddenly, your e-mail turned into a question for me, personally. Could I – and would I – forgive everyone who caused me irreversible damage in my past? I spent several days circling the same idea that those who do terrible things deserve every bit of torment and anguish they incur for their heinous deeds. That left me perfectly content NOT to respond to your e-mail.
Yet something you said bothered me enough that I decided to look again. Somehow, the message didn’t come to me quite as piercing as it did originally. Instead, what I saw was a man truly sorry for his past misdoings. I don’t feel that all should be forgotten and some things are so terrible that they can’t even be forgiven. However, you alone must face your life’s doings at the end of the road. None other than those directly involved has any real right to judge. How you survive each passing day, with the knowledge of your old mistakes, makes the man you are today.
I would say that most women probably will never get past the anger and resentment stage. This is something you should be prepared to see again. However, I do not feel you are doomed to be a remorseful and lonely geek for the rest of your life! I think when you do find her, she will be an exceptional woman who is capable of seeing you for who you are now and not your past mistakes.
We all have skeletons in our closets and very few of us are proud of them. It doesn’t mean our futures are determined based on the dirty laundry we left yesterday, as long as we wake up knowing not to wear it again!
The question is, do you truly feel you should be given the opportunity to find that love?
Best wishes for finding peace and love.
Anon-O-Box is a regular feature on Geek's Dream Girl. Questions are answered by E, J, Y, or even a guest writer. If you'd like to ask the Anon-O-Box a question, simply fill out the form on our Contact Us page. Be patient, though, we get a lot of questions!
Good advice, but total Geek failure for not quoting Roy Batty from Blade Runner.
Roy Batty: I’ve done… questionable things.
Eldon Tyrell: Also extraordinary things. Revel in your time.
Roy Batty: Nothing the god of biomechanics wouldn’t let you into heaven for.
This reminds me of one of my favorite fictional character archetypes: The Unforgivable Hero. Think about Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven or maybe the Comedian from Watchmen (although I don’t think he was ever a real hero so he may be a bad example).
It also reminds me of the movie Crash.
Sometimes the most interesting characters are the characters who have done something so bad in their past that no future actions can make up for it – but it doesn’t stop them from trying. It’s probably a better definition for heroism than someone who feels that, if they’re enough of a hero, they will always be known as one. True heroism might never be recognized and is done knowing this.
That doesn’t help with this real-life situation, but it got me thinking a lot.
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Obviously, I don’t know anything about SOL, but I’ve given romantic partners with sordid pasts the benefit of the doubt a couple times and both times, to a certain degree, had it come back to bite me in the ass. Personally, I’m done with sort of person, but there will certainly be people willing to look beyond past misdeeds. The real challenge isn’t for them to overcome their judgments, it’s for you, SOL: Don’t let whatever happened happen again. That’s the only way you can really show you’re sorry.
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@Spenser- I complete agree that you have to forgive yourself before you can expect others to forgive you (think off it as a small twist on the idea you must love your self…).
Now I will be honest, I am very very hesiant when it comes to someone’s past. I will admit that most of that fear comes from people in my family, but I think the important thing is to show that you have accepted what you did, know that it was wrong and move forward from there. I think Y is right that it will be difficult to deal with but don’t count people out (I know more than my fair share of very understanding geek ladies).
SOL:
I’m currently dating a girl which I disagree with her past life (ALL OF IT), and though the thoughts of who she was haunt my dreams every night, I can see the growth in her, and I love her for that.
I don’t know if the relationship will survive for much longer, but one thing Im sure, I would have loved to never know what I know now. We all have skeletons, no reason to put them out there in detail…
Whoever got hurt with your erroneous deeds should get more thought that this fictional girl you are looking for… make amendments with them first (if you haven’t yet) and then life will show you a future.
Good luck.
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Though I can’t much relate with SOL on a truly bad history, I have certainly made some poor past mistakes myself. As others mention above, it seems that necessary thing is first to forgive yourself. From there, I’m not sure, but I would imagine if you lived your present life as honorably as possible that someone would surely be available to you.
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