Dear Anon-O-Box: I’ve Done Some… Things…

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’ve done some bad things in the past and I am not proud of them. I fear these things I have done make me not eligible to date, though I am told by many people that I have a lot of good qualities (if it wasn’t for my past).

Not talking about it would be pretty much dishonest (it is major enough that it has to be known). I understand that only after people get to know me that I can reveal my bad deeds. With the females (I’m male) it has ended friendships that were not quite ready for the news (or never would have been ready). Any advice other than I am shit out of luck?

- SOL(?)

Y answers:

Dear SOL(?),

I have been looking for the perfect words of wisdom and advice for you after reading your e-mail.  It is important that you don’t keep something so major a secret because nothing stays hidden forever and this would definitely be considered dishonesty.

I suppose it’s safe to say these bad deeds aren’t anything along the lines of stealing a pack of gum or even a warehouse full of gum when you were 17. That being said, what I can offer you is a bit of perspective.

My first impression was that you must have done some terrible things that even your preexisting friends would choose to sever all ties with you upon finding out.   Memories of my own horrible experiences flooded back into my head and I felt a wave of loathing and disgust. Suddenly, your e-mail turned into a question for me, personally. Could I – and would I – forgive everyone who caused me irreversible damage in my past? I spent several days circling the same idea that those who do terrible things deserve every bit of torment and anguish they incur for their heinous deeds. That left me perfectly content NOT to respond to your e-mail.

Yet something you said bothered me enough that I decided to look again. Somehow, the message didn’t come to me quite as piercing as it did originally. Instead, what I saw was a man truly sorry for his past misdoings. I don’t feel that all should be forgotten and some things are so terrible that they can’t even be forgiven. However, you alone must face your life’s doings at the end of the road. None other than those directly involved has any real right to judge. How you survive each passing day, with the knowledge of your old mistakes, makes the man you are today.

I would say that most women probably will never get past the anger and resentment stage. This is something you should be prepared to see again.  However, I do not feel you are doomed to be a remorseful and lonely geek for the rest of your life! I think when you do find her, she will be an exceptional woman who is capable of seeing you for who you are now and not your past mistakes.

We all have skeletons in our closets and very few of us are proud of them. It doesn’t mean our futures are determined based on the dirty laundry we left yesterday, as long as we wake up knowing not to wear it again!

The question is, do you truly feel you should be given the opportunity to find that love?

Best wishes for finding peace and love.

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