Ask Y: Experimenting In Non-Traditional Relationships

Dear Y,

My girlfriend and I would like to experiment in a non-traditional relationship.  What sort of venues/advice do you have for geeks like us?

Sincerely,

Looking to Fill a Big Bed

Dear Big Bed,

Aren’t you glad E hired me to answer all these fun questions?!  I’m the new girl in town and my sole purpose – other than occasionally geeking out about Hello Kitty! -  is to answer all the questions about intimate relationships.  I have been around the world in more ways than one and I promise I’m well qualified to address any sort of adult dating/sexually-natured questions that could come my way, so ask away!

Going back to your question, I would like to point out first that there are two types of relationships you and your girlfriend are considering.  The both of you should make sure to be very clear which one you’re looking to experiment with first.  Although both have the multiple partner concept in common they are vastly different in approach and execution!  In my experience, many people mistake a polyamorous relationship for a polygamous relationship.

• polygamy < po·lyg·a·my > -  marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time
• polyamorous < poly·am·ory > - the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

There are some basic do’s and don’ts much like in a more traditional monogamous relationship.  We should all know these before experimenting with any sort of multi-partnered relationships.

Trust and honesty are always important, whether you’re looking at one mate or ten.  DON’T lie, conveniently misplace the truth or somehow twist the panes of glass around to reflect only the pure and innocent white parts of a lie.  DO be considerate of your mate(s) because in the end, your duet is going to come out a bit one-sided if you can’t learn to SHARE the microphone.  Relationships can be practical, we just have a tendency to make them more complicated than they should be.  I always remember, whether it is just myself or if there are others sharing Herr Groß* with me, everything has boundaries.

• Realize it is not because you are not enough, rather, it is because there is so much love to be shared with you that you are in the bed too.
• Remember that if you can’t trust someone to do something with you, then you definitely can’t trust them to do it behind your back!  In other words, if you do it, do it.  If you don’t know you want to, then you’ve already got something to think about.
• Talk about it!  Both of you should agree on a general set of rules.  Stick to the rules but more importantly, keep in mind that you may have to make some revisions, and that’s to be expected.  We can’t all know exactly what to expect the first time we get behind the wheel.

If you haven’t gotten very far into the lifestyle, you may also be wondering where to start.  The local flea market seems as likely a place to find a playmate as the neighborhood bar.  Chances are, you’ve probably already found the typical and well advertised websites such as AdultFriendFinder, SwingLifeStyles, PlayfulSwingers and many others.

The truth is, there is no difference between finding a date when you’re single vs finding a date when you’re a couple.  Not everything works for everybody and you just have to try it out.  Some sites are designed for people who are all about hooking up while other sites are more for social networking with like-minded people.  In general, you’re going to find all sorts of people everywhere you go so pick somewhere that seems comfortable to you and your girlfriend, perhaps even a local club in town!

Happy Dating!

-y

*For those of you who are inquisitive and wish to know, Herr Groß (obviously not his real name) is the object of my affection, my little piece of heaven, my prince in shining armor and yes, guys, he’s a very, very lucky man!