When Persistence Isn’t Enough: Steps to Take When You’re Tired of Rejection

You’ve done the baby steps to make online dating work for you, but it’s still not working.  Your inbox is empty, or worse yet, full of rejection letters.  WTF, right?  Everything you’ve tried has failed, failed, failed and you’re still alone.

I’m going to probably say some very unpopular things in this post, but understand they come from a place of love.  They also come from a place that I understand from my own personal love life.  I’ve been in that place where I was getting no dates despite emailing tons of guys.

Online Dating Autopsy

  1. Pick apart your profile.  When was the last time you updated it? Does it have any red flags?
  2. Pick apart your sent emails.  Are you sending out quality first contact emails have you slipped into cut-n-paste?
  3. Look for clues. When you get a “no thanks” email, does it specify why they are not interested?  Can you discover a pattern?
  4. Tried everything? Have you tried a different dating site? Some people do well with match.com, while others find nothing and get way more dates with OkCupid.  It’s something you need to explore if you haven’t yet.
  5. Take a break. Pull down your profile, suspend your account, and take a breather from online dating for a month or two.  Come back refreshed and ready to start anew.

The Hard Part – The YOU Autopsy

You’re not dead, but there’s a chance that there’s something about you that is killing your chances of getting a date.  To show you that I’m totally not victim-blaming here, I’ll list the various reasons why I get rejected:

  • Too fat: I’m a curvy girl and have always battled with weight.
  • Extremely casual dresser: My sense of fashion pretty much includes anything: that fits, is comfortable, has witty/geek words on it.
  • Clean, but not done up:  My hair routine involves a brush and I rarely wear much makeup.  I can go from morning alarm to out the door in less than a half hour.
  • Spiritual, not religious: I don’t subscribe to a religion, though in the past have been Catholic, Christian, Wiccan, and Pagan.
  • Starving artist: Even when I am working, it tends to be in positions that others don’t see as “real” jobs.
  • Liberal: Although I have an extreme distaste for politics, my personal beliefs about the way the world should work lean toward the liberal side.
  • Cat lady: I have two beautiful furbabies and they aren’t going anywhere.  Love me, tolerate my cats.

Profile Changes vs. Life Changes

Now, there are things on that list that won’t ever change about me.  I’m not going to change my spiritual or “political” beliefs and I’m certainly not going to give up my kitties.

But these are things that don’t need to be front and center on my dating profile.  There may be men who don’t mind cats, but assume that women who mention cats in their profile are crazy cat ladies like their ex.   Or they may be under the mistaken assumption that anyone who is Pagan worships Satan.  Withholding that information about yourself isn’t lying – it’s simply avoiding misinterpretation and preemptive rejection.

There are other things in my rejection list that I wish I could do better.  For example, I’m working on improving my healthstyle and losing weight.  If I had a dating profile, I would mention my kitchen experiments involving new and exciting vegetables.

Looking at my profile pictures, I might want to get some that involved me in some of my “dressier” outfits and maybe even a couple with makeup on.  Now, not ALL of them should be like that – it’s false advertising, after all! – but having a few in that vein would help to show that I clean up nice when I do it.

In The Meantime…

You’re improving yourself for yourself first.  The fun side benefit is that you’ll be more attractive to others.  If you do it the wrong way around, you’ll hate every minute of it and you’ll never be successful at the improvement or the dating.  It kills your joy for life.

That being said, don’t put off your dating life until you’ve lost weight / gotten a better job / moved out of mom’s house, etc.  Life is NOW, so live it no matter what shape you’re in!  Don’t wait for happiness to find you – create it yourself.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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