Dear Anon-O-Box: A Geek Girl With No Dating Hope In Sight

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I have been on the online dating thing for 3 years now. I’ve been a member of most of the well-known ones… nothing. I got professional photos done, had friends tweak my profiles… nothing. I email guys I don’t really like and still… nothing. If you’re not a “dating site” can you tell me where you would recommend I try? been on gk2gk, match.com, datehookup.com, mature singles.com, friendfinder.com, matchmaker.com, singlesnet.com, plenty of fish.com. I need hope…

- Hope for the Hopeless (F, straight)

E answers:

Dear Hope,

It hurts me to read your letter. When you feel that you’ve tried everything (including emailing people you don’t even really LIKE that much) and you still don’t get results, you start to think that there’s something wrong with YOU – that for some reason, you’re undateable, undesirable, unwanted.

Rest assured that this is far from the truth.

How’s That Workin’ For Ya?

As much as the Dr. Phil show is a train wreck, his famous question “how’s that workin’ for ya?” works so well in this situation.  You’ve established that what you’re doing on your dating site isn’t working, so you tried several others.  Undoubtedly, you are making the same mistake on those sites to be getting the same results.

The Good News

You’ve made some good steps, Hope.  You got professional photos taken, which means your photos are recent and as good as they’ll ever be!  (Which is more than 98% of online daters can say!) You’ve also enlisted the help of your friends to tweak your dating profile.  This is also a great thing to do – even if you aren’t having troubles.

The Bad News

Somewhere in your system is a bug. Much like a computer techie, unless I can see the system in action, it’s hard for me to tell you exactly where your bug is.  Judging from the variety of dating sites you’ve tried, your problem isn’t the site.  Going to a new dating site isn’t going to garner new results.

Based on the amount of editing I had to do to your original email before posting it here, I do have one piece of advice:  You are going to want to run your profile and all emails through a spelling & grammar check before sending them.

Don’t fret – we’re not all good at writing.  This is why the gods invented word processing programs with spelling and grammar check built-in.  The fact is, even though many people aren’t great writers, they still are turned off by poor spelling and grammar.  It sends a message that you aren’t very bright (even if you are!).

Beyond That…

Beyond that suggestion, Hope, I can’t say with any certainty what is going wrong with your online dating adventure without looking at both your profile and the emails you’re sending to the men who interest you.

You could be waving red flags in your profile or email that are turning men off.  You could be emailing the wrong kind of men entirely.  Your searches could be missing the kind of men who would be perfect for you.  There are so many things that you could be doing – without even realizing it – that I can’t accurately identify the bug unless I can see the whole system at work.

Here are your options:

  1. Read the totally free Geek’s Guide to Success in Online Dating, especially the sections about profiles and emails.  You may stumble across something there that gives you a light bulb moment!
  2. As much as I hate to sound self-promoting, the Plastic d20 Package offers a profile critique that will get to the bottom of your profile problems and give you an action plan for fixing them.  Add on the 30 minute IM consult and we’ll give you tips on writing better emails as well!
  3. The Silver d20 Package is a full dating profile re-write, one hour of coaching time, plus free membership in GeekMMM, our dating advice newsletter and geek matchmaking service.

There’s hope, Hope.  We just need to dig a little deeper to root out the bug in your dating system.

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