Dear Anon-O-Box,
I have been on the online dating thing for 3 years now. I’ve been a member of most of the well-known ones… nothing. I got professional photos done, had friends tweak my profiles… nothing. I email guys I don’t really like and still… nothing. If you’re not a “dating site” can you tell me where you would recommend I try? been on gk2gk, match.com, datehookup.com, mature singles.com, friendfinder.com, matchmaker.com, singlesnet.com, plenty of fish.com. I need hope…
- Hope for the Hopeless (F, straight)
E answers:
Dear Hope,
It hurts me to read your letter. When you feel that you’ve tried everything (including emailing people you don’t even really LIKE that much) and you still don’t get results, you start to think that there’s something wrong with YOU – that for some reason, you’re undateable, undesirable, unwanted.
Rest assured that this is far from the truth.
How’s That Workin’ For Ya?
As much as the Dr. Phil show is a train wreck, his famous question “how’s that workin’ for ya?” works so well in this situation. You’ve established that what you’re doing on your dating site isn’t working, so you tried several others. Undoubtedly, you are making the same mistake on those sites to be getting the same results.
The Good News
You’ve made some good steps, Hope. You got professional photos taken, which means your photos are recent and as good as they’ll ever be! (Which is more than 98% of online daters can say!) You’ve also enlisted the help of your friends to tweak your dating profile. This is also a great thing to do – even if you aren’t having troubles.
The Bad News
Somewhere in your system is a bug. Much like a computer techie, unless I can see the system in action, it’s hard for me to tell you exactly where your bug is. Judging from the variety of dating sites you’ve tried, your problem isn’t the site. Going to a new dating site isn’t going to garner new results.
Based on the amount of editing I had to do to your original email before posting it here, I do have one piece of advice: You are going to want to run your profile and all emails through a spelling & grammar check before sending them.
Don’t fret – we’re not all good at writing. This is why the gods invented word processing programs with spelling and grammar check built-in. The fact is, even though many people aren’t great writers, they still are turned off by poor spelling and grammar. It sends a message that you aren’t very bright (even if you are!).
Beyond That…
Beyond that suggestion, Hope, I can’t say with any certainty what is going wrong with your online dating adventure without looking at both your profile and the emails you’re sending to the men who interest you.
You could be waving red flags in your profile or email that are turning men off. You could be emailing the wrong kind of men entirely. Your searches could be missing the kind of men who would be perfect for you. There are so many things that you could be doing – without even realizing it – that I can’t accurately identify the bug unless I can see the whole system at work.
Here are your options:
- Read the totally free Geek’s Guide to Success in Online Dating, especially the sections about profiles and emails. You may stumble across something there that gives you a light bulb moment!
- As much as I hate to sound self-promoting, the Plastic d20 Package offers a profile critique that will get to the bottom of your profile problems and give you an action plan for fixing them. Add on the 30 minute IM consult and we’ll give you tips on writing better emails as well!
- The Silver d20 Package is a full dating profile re-write, one hour of coaching time, plus free membership in GeekMMM, our dating advice newsletter and geek matchmaking service.
There’s hope, Hope. We just need to dig a little deeper to root out the bug in your dating system.
About Anon-O-Box
I totally understand where Hope is coming from. Ever Since I graduated from college, I too thought that something was wrong with me. Not being able to find that right person whether on the internet or from friends of friends or random encounters can be disappointing after a few years.
I’m still single and I just focus on what is working in my life knowing that it will happen, you just have to think outside of the box and keep trying new things or go on adventures you thought you would never try.
If you’re just looking for a Friend Hope, you dont have to go far to find one.
All the best to you Hope and fellow geeky boys and girls out there.
I love the advice you are giving i just got married few months back and believe me i kissed quite a few toads before finding my prince i think younger women are attracted to men who are unavailable .
For what it is worth I can understand sending out some many emails because you want a reply so badly. Not getting any results when you are really trying can be a horrible blow to the spirit. I am not online dating expert (I would leave that to E), but I would recommend taking some time to appreciate the things that you enjoy and make you special. Just being a geek girl makes you a rare catch so remember that there is some guy out there who would be very luckily to find you. ^_^
Perhaps because you’ve made a lot of tweaking in your profile, your online profile comes of as a little too perfect that it’s lost its spontaneity? Sometimes, people do wonder why somebody whose profile comes off as very presentable and almost perfect is still single–particularly if they send emails to people they don’t really like. If you’re so great, why bother with people you don’t like?
I’m sure you’re a great person–but you shouldn’t be working so hard to convince people that you are. When I was single (and recently broken up), I tried so hard to meet people–it just was crazy! But I decided to change my strategy by just enjoying my life by trying out new things and going out of my comfort zone. Instead of wanting to meet a partner, I changed my goal into wanting to find interesting and exciting new things to do. I just went ahead and tried to meet new people, not necessarily to make them my partner but just to be friends and possibly learn something new and exciting.
Try it. It may just surprise you.
I hate to be “That Guy”, but perhaps ‘Hope’ is simply trying to date outside of her league? I LOVE geek girls, and I swoon hard when I see some good ones (great examples of beautiful geek girls can be found in the user-submitted photos on jinx.com). But, I get requests ALL THE TIME from girls who are clearly not up to my standards. Luckily, I am taken, but both me and my girlfriend maintain our dating profiles because that’s how we met; it’s partially for the fun of seeing who’s on and partially for sentimentality. However, I have to say, just being a “geek” is not enough these days; perhaps she is aiming too high? If the OP is attractive, maybe the spelling (as mentioned in the article), or other factors are sending out red flags?
Just a thought.
I know this comment is a bit too late for anyone to read it except through the archives, but I figure those who archive-binge might find it useful.
If my time on the internet has taught me much, it’s that one place a geek girl will probably find a lot more geek guys than girls is an average webcomic forum. Results will of course vary depending on the webcomic, as to be expected, but from what little I’ve seen that’s at least ONE place you’ll probably find a good ratio. At least, that’s what advice I can give aside from outright dating sites. Hope that it’s of at least some use to people.
Good luck, and trust me that you’ll make some geek guy very lucky to have found you (if you haven’t already by the time I post this).