Are You Unwittingly Telling Women They’re On Your Back Burner?

You’ve heard me explain why winks are a bad idea. And I’m not the only online dating coach that thinks that winks send the wrong message to the very people you’re trying to attract.

While chatting with a new client who was lamenting his lack of dates, he told me that he emailed about one woman per day and “winked at many more.”


He clarified later and said that while he did wink at lots of women, he usually went back and emailed them later. How much later? Oh, a few days, maybe a week. Whenever he got time to write out an email.

Cue a second facepalm.

You may be thinking, “What is he doing wrong? I mean, he’s emailing these girls, so what’s the harm in sending the wink first?

Remember, the wink is the lazy man’s method of contacting women. Unless you are an Adonis making $150k+ a year,  you aren’t going to get replies from winks.  A wink tells a woman that you’d like her to do the work of emailing you first, or at least, you’d like her to wink back before you “waste time” emailing her.  She’s also wondering how many women you’ve winked at – is it every blonde in the ZIP code or just her?

But here’s what this guy was doing by winking first and coming back to email later – he was telling women that they were on his back burner.

Picture a lovely lady sitting by her computer. She loads up and sees that she has a wink from you.  Click. She’ll check out your profile, read a bit about you, look at your pictures.  If you’re the man of her dreams and she’s confident enough, she’ll wink or write back. If you’re definitely NOT the man for her, she’ll delete you, send a No Thanks, or (at worst) block you.

But what if she’s either not confident enough to send you anything back or she’s a little interested, but doesn’t know what to write or has emails in her inbox? Oh, yep, that’s right. You’ll get nothing back from that wink.

A few days later, you go through your sent winks and think, “Hmmm, I’ll write her an email today.”  You write a nice email to her, which she reads.

Wow,” she thinks. “What a nice email. He must really be interested in me.  But why didn’t he write me right away? Was he just too busy? Was he waiting for me to write him first? Was he communicating with or dating other women and just winking at some others so he’d have a backup list in case it didn’t work out?

As women, we want to feel special. We want to feel secure and without worry about your motivations or intentions. We don’t want to have questions or gaps, because we’ll fill them in (sometimes with crazy untruths, amount of crazy depending on the girl).

Be the guy who lays it all out on the table right away.  Write her a thoughtful, personalized email first, and then wink right after you hit send.

Happy dating, geek friends.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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