Virgin DM Monologues: No Teleporting Rats Here!

Welcome to the recap of the tenth session of my Eberron campaign, which took place on Tuesday, January 19, 2010. Our adventurers recently celebrated the festival of Brightblade in the city of Sharn and took prizes in a fighting contest, an archery competition, and the ultimate challenge (much to the chagrin of the Starlight & Shadows wizards and their friends, who were eliminated in round 2.)

I had a feeling the PCs would want to track down the Starlight & Shadows wizards and get to the bottom of the ill will (and perhaps those pesky enchanted attacking chairs!).

Sure enough, they decide to do just that.

It is inevitable that your players will rename the people and things of the campaign world to suit their selective hearing and senses of humor. Currently, the Starlight & Shadows wizards are now Starlight Express and the Esoteric Order of Aureon wizards are the Oreos.

They decide to go back to the Silver Stone tavern, where the trouble with the S&S wizards first began.  Unfortunately, Brick was feeling ill and couldn’t join the party. He was stuck at home, clutching his chamber pot for dear life. It turned out, Brick had liked the Silver Stone’s lemon bars so much that he snuck out the night before and gorged himself on them.

When the PCs arrive at the Silver Stone, they find a couple wearing S&S colored robes.  Jelly and Eru sit to talk with them and find them to be extremely pleasant. They ask about the conflict between S&S and the “Oreos” and the couple say that it’s just school rivalry – there’s never been any acts of violence between members of the two schools. It’s all in good fun.

The “chat room” (Eru is a Kalashtar with Group Telepathy) is abuzz as the party bickers about what they’re going to do. Sneaking into the school seems to be on the list…

Beatdown:  We can steal their robes!

Jelly: They have kids!

Beatdown: Do they have robes?

The couple tells Jelly and Eru that they may be able to find the specific wizards they are looking for at The Icy Bulldog, a hole in the wall bar around the corner. It used to be a good place but has gone downhill in recent months.

The adventurers immediately smell the stench of old beer as they enter The Icy Bulldog.  The floor is sticky beneath their feet. Sure enough, the same wizards from the Chair Incident are there, along with a bartender.

..and as soon as they see our intrepid employees of Globe Information Agency, the wizards teleport through the walls and the bartender disappears through a trapdoor under the bar.

The Urban Chase

Sharn is a complicated city, full of alleyways, bridges, twists and turns. It’s a pretty easy city to lose someone in if you’re trying to disappear, and that’s exactly what these wizards were trying to do.

The adventurers gave chase, but Jelly’s lack of endurance proved to be a liability and they soon lost sight of the S&S wizards in the crowds.

Luckily, what Jelly lacks in endurance she makes up for in charisma! She and Eru managed to chat up some folks on the street and trail the wizards that way.

After paying off a neighborhood kid, they finally discover which tower the wizards were in, but the door has some sort of magic warding on it. Eru wants Evan to risk it to pick the lock, but Evan wants no part of it.

They decide to go to the next tower over. They’re not sure what the plan is other than maybe climbing from the upper story of that tower into the wizards’ tower. A little old lady opens the peephole door.

Old Lady: Who are you?

Beatdown: Exterminators.

Old Lady: I don’t have rats.

Beatdown: You will!

Beatdown tries to convince the old lady that there are teleporting bats and rats that will infest her tower if she doesn’t let him in. Meanwhile, the rest of the party is pondering casting Silence, busting her door down, and climbing up to her balcony to climb over to the S&S wizards’ tower.

Getting into The Tower

Which is what they eventually did, minus the busting of the door. They thought she should be grateful that they just picked it instead of breaking it.

Tossing a rope from one balcony to the other, Evan and Cyd are the first to make it over to the wizards’ tower and pick the lock to their upper door.  This is when my players realized they came to the “dot dot dot” portion of their plan. They’re here – now what?

Evan: I could set myself on fire.

The top floor of their tower has four bedrooms. Evan sneaks down to the middle level, where there is a small library full of books on magic and some tables and chairs. He can hear voices on the ground floor, and sneaks down the stairs to eavesdrop.

“You know who I miss? Evangeline. She was a bit of a bitch at the end, but man was she a good sorceress. Whatever happened to her?”

“No idea, I haven’t seen her in months and months.”

“I heard she was flying with the Lyrandar kid… what’s his name? Len? Ren? Something short like that.”

“Yeah, I think I heard that too… oh well. Maybe she’ll turn up around here again someday.”

“It sucks that our team did so poorly on the Ultimate Challenge at Brightblade. We’re getting rusty in our old age. Those kids from Globe… maybe they’re worth watching.”

Evan peers round the corner and can see where the wizards are sitting in the kitchen. He can easily get to the front door without them noticing and opens the door for Eru and Jelly. At this point, the players aren’t totally sure what they want to DO to the wizards.

We’re Off to “Diplome” the Wizards

As soon as the door opens, the wizards move into the room, hands on their wands.  Eru “comes in diploming” and convinces them that all they wanted was a chat.  Evan is wondering why they went through all that trouble when they could have just knocked on the front door with the same effect.

Meanwhile, Cyd and Beatdown are in the upstairs library, pondering setting the wizards’ chairs on fire and throwing them out the windows. They don’t realize that one floor below, the S&S wizards are explaining that they talk smack about the “Oreos” but would never hurt anyone. They’d rather run and avoid conflict than fight.

Unfortunately, Cyd and Beatdown have already destroyed several chairs by the time Eru can relay the news. When the party convenes downstairs, Beatdown is still pretty confused about the situation.  They decide they should give the remainder of their Redstone’s Fine Furnishings gift certificate to the wizards so they can replace their broken and burned chairs.

This is the point where my players renamed the proprietor of that shop.  No longer Finneus Tribble, he became Gnome Fizzlebank.

And speaking of “Gnome Fizzlebank,” a courier arrives at the wizards’ house to deliver a letter that’s practically caked in sealing wax.  It’s from Finneus:

Only one of my clients has the skills to make magical chairs and that is Professor Tevors of the Arcane Academy. There was another, but he died during the War. At any rate, locating Professor Tevors should be easy for you. Thank you for your business and be sure to send your friends to Redstone’s Fine Furnishings!

That news certainly sealed the deal as far as the S&S wizards. Tevors was the visiting professor from the Arcane Academy that had been causing all the trouble. The PCs had killed him…  or so they thought.

And You Thought There’d Be No Combat…

There’s a crash from upstairs just as the party goes to leave. Jelly looks over at the wizards, knowing they usually disappear when trouble shows up.

Jelly: Are you gonna leave or help us defend your house?

Swarms of angry birds fly down the stairs, followed by two big scorpions. How these creatures got into a residence is pretty baffling.

Jelly: Too bad these guys didn’t come earlier, we could have blamed them for the furniture destruction.

Whatever creature got #1 in initiative wasn’t showing up for several rounds. This was kinda freaking out the players, especially since the scorpions were so tough.

Eventually, Professor Tevors shows up at the stairs and begins casting all sorts of crazy spells. He’s much tougher than he was the last time the PCs encountered him… and… wasn’t he DEAD?

As the final scorpion dies, Tevors lands a spell that knocks Cyd unconscious. At that point, Tevors teleports to the top of the stairs, morphs into the old lady from across the street, and scowls at the party.

I told you, I don’t HAVE any teleporting rats!

With a poof, Tevors disappears.

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About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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