Virgin DM Monologues: A Tale of Two Suspects and Five Unlikely Pirates

Welcome to the recap of the 11th session of my Eberron campaign, which took place on Tuesday, February 16, 2010. Our adventurers recently stalked the Starlight & Shadows wizards and found out they weren’t enemies after all – and in fact, they were all attacked by Professor Tevors and his evil minions.

The past few weeks have been busy at Globe Information Agency, but not the kind of busy that epic ballads are written about, to say the least. Beatdown has been upset at the lack of killing things lately and still eyes all chairs as if he expects them to leap into action at any moment. Recently, most of Kava’s work has been simple hide and seek work – find this lost child, find that law breaker, find that cheating spouse, find that wayward teenager.

But at least it’s significantly increased your knowledge of Sharn’s neighborhoods. While there’s definitely been a couple “Can’t Get There From Here” moments (usually solved when Evan shimmies down a tower), you feel much more confident in your knowledge of the city and the flavors of its various neighborhood residents.

When you report to the office this morning, you’re fully expecting another missing kid or philandering husband. The smile on Kava’s face tells a different story, tho, and she gestures for you to sit around the meeting table in her office.

“The people we’re seeking today are a bit more interesting than the usual business. The first is a female. Dessina Hazal. We’ve received intelligence that she may be planning to assassinate Tyasha d’Phiarlan.

[Tyasha is a world-renowed opera singer who has been famous for years and years and years. Nobody's sure exactly how old she is... there's rumors that she's a lich, or that she's a changeling that's replaced the real Tyasha. Can't argue with her talent, but her agelessness brings up lots of unanswered questions.]

Kava continues.  “I need you to track Ms. Hazal and report back to me on everything she does for the next week. Lady Tyasha is safe within her mansion, but there’s a performance at the Sharn Opera House next weekend, and there is concern for her safety. Her house has paid for the assurance that Lady Tyasha will not be harmed during dress rehearsals or the performance.

“The second will surely provide some more action. The infamous Dharvek, the filthy smuggler and war profiteer arrived in Sharn last night. The last time he was here, he caused quite a riot amongst the crime guilds in the city, and we cannot have that happen again. The Storm Lords of Stormreach put a bounty on his head, and so have we. We need to show him that his people are not welcome in Sharn.

“Killing him outright would be preferred, but he hasn’t survived this long because of his pretty face. He’s been known to slip away at the last minute, avoiding death by a cat’s whisker. At least take down his men so he is forced to leave the city.

“Bring me his prized longsword and you’ll receive a bonus payment.”

The PCs decide to head to Gailan’s Tavern, where Dessina has often been seen during the lunchtime hours. It also turns out to be the same club where Eru had a standing invitation to play.  As the party enters Gailan’s and finds a table.  The band Psionic Kumquat is just finishing up a set.  They’re halfway decent in the way an unsigned, yet popular local band is decent.

Eru takes the stage to sing, but decides he needs a stage name so Dessina doesn’t know his real identity. At this point, my players pull out the Ultimate Toolbox and craziness ensues at the table.  Eru rolls for a name and ends up as Pilan Slowtongue, which he claims is obviously the Eberron version of John Mayer.

Ultimate Toolbox comes into effect again as Eru rolls on a song. His first selection is a chorus tune from the opera Brother Jun’s Pilgrimage.  For his second, he sings Yislean’s Requiem from The LadyKnight’s Epic. During the song, Dessina gets up, walks on to the stage, and begins to sing the harmony line along with Eru. When the song is done, she slips from the stage and back to her table.

Beatdown: “I move towards her in a non-obvious way.”

Brick’s player: “Aren’t you a 7 foot robot?”

When Eru leaves the stage, he approaches Gailan to ask about Dessina.  Gailan confirms her identity and says that she’s a chorus girl with the opera, new to town, hangs out to sing and listen at lunch time.  No new news.

…and Dessina is leaving!

Eru catches up with her and tries to strike up a conversation (against Kava’s direct order not to approach her), but she says she’s very late for an appointment and has to run.

The PCs trail her at a distance, but she’s taking the most roundabout way through town possible, as if she suspects she’s being followed.  She finally ends up in a very shady neighborhood of Sharn and she looks very, very jumpy.  Spotting someone following her, she reaches into her purse, pulls out a black stone and throws it behind her.  It explodes into a black tiger that attacks the PCs.

[The PCs decide "Unavoidable Tiger" should be Pilan Slowtongue's band name.]

Once the tiger is destroyed, the PCs are afraid they’ve lost Dessina. But since the tiger fight drew out some townspeople, Eru is able to sweet-talk them and figure out where she’s gone – an herbalist shop.

She exists the shop with a packet of herbs and Eru tracks her back to her apartment. The rest of the party goes into the shop to question the shopkeep. Unfortunately, Brick and Beatdown are the worst investigators ever. The shopkeep admits he can procure any sort of herb for the right price, but says that all Dessina bought were medicinal herbs for her sick grandmother.  He seems scared, but not of Brick and Beatdown’s posturing. They leave, fairly sure they’ve learned all they can.

They meet up with Eru and head down to the Grayflood district by the docks to look for Dharvek the war profiteer. They figure the easiest way to draw him out is to pretend that they are weapons buyers looking to contract with him.

This, of course, requires a cover story and new names. Ultimate Toolbox came out again. The PCs spent a good long time trying to figure out what evil people would do and why they’d want the weapons.  The final story was that they are sky pirates who will be looting merchant airships around Stormreach. They need more weapons for their pirating.

Beatdown is Captain Samuel Axelord of the Airship Retaliation. Obitar Spice, Smitty, and Davey Biter are the new names of Eru, Cyd, and Brick. Beatdown rolled for a captain reputation and found out he suffers from lycanthropy. Apparently he’s a mechanical werewolf.

Their loud pirate talk of weapons and plundering attracts a young half-elf who says he knows a guy who sells some good weaponry.

[Then the gargantuan dire tiger showed up and refused to leave.]

The party gets to the warehouse.  They approach Dharvek and try to convince him that they are big time pirates.

Beatdown: “My crew and I took out the Devil’s Deal!”

Dharvek: “I thought that was a dwarf.”

Eru: “That was a rumor by LookoutLou.”

Beatdown: “And that’s how I came down with lycanthropy!”

Eru (through telepathy): “COOL IT WITH THE LYCANTHROPY.”

Beatdown: “But that be my pirate legend!”

Eru says they’re buying weapons for a heist to get astral diamonds. It’s tempting, but Dharvek and his assistant aren’t convinced. They ask “Captain Samuel Axelord” to show his pirate’s mark to prove that he’s a pirate. Cyd the wizard prestidigitates some fancy tattoos, but they aren’t the right ones and this, coupled with Beatdown’s minor attitude problem, caused Dharvek and his men to draw their weapons and attack.

Dharvek and his six closest buddies fight the five PCs. When things are looking rough, Dharvek phases into some storage crates, which Brick promptly breaks apart to find him. They take down Dharvek and all his men and bring his longsword back to Kava to collect their reward.

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About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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