Dear Anon-O-Box,
It’s been a few years since my ex-fiancee and I broke off our relationship, and I’m finally ready to start dating again. The problem is, being pretty geekish, I’ve been trying to come up with areas I could meet a girl who also has geeky interests.
One idea that has crossed my mind is asking out women I meet at cons. On one hand, it seems like a good idea–the women there more than likely share my interests and since this is anonymous, I have to admit that a lot of cosplayers are pretty good-looking, costume or no.
Here’s the problem, though–I really don’t want to be “that guy.” You know, the boor who goes around making women feel as though they’re just sex objects, or just making women feel uncomfortable.
So my question is, can I ask out someone who I meet at a con? If the answer is yes, can you give any advice on the subject?
Thanks very much,
Looking but Unsure
e answers:
You can definitely ask out someone you meet at a con! There are always “We Met at ___ Con” love stories – in fact, there was a story on CNN a while back about geeks who found love at Dragon*Con.
But first, let’s go over the “that guy” list (for those who may not know they’re “that guy”).
That guy:
- Stalks the costumed girls around the con floor… and then into the hotel.
- Asks for lots and lots of photos.
- Makes lewd comments.
- Talks to breasts instead of faces.
- Jokes about having sex with whatever character she’s dressed as.
While girls who dress up for cons know what they’re in for (especially if the outfit is particularly tight or revealing), it’s still no reason to be that guy.
Unfortunately, it is a little “that guy” to walk up to a complete stranger and ask them out. But since you’re at a convention, you automatically have conversation material! If the girl in question isn’t busy, there’s nothing wrong with striking up a conversation about her costume, the character it’s based on, and then from there… wherever the conversation ends up going!
First Conversations: Get The Hint
You do need to know how to read body language to prevent from slipping from “nice guy” to “that guy who won’t go away.”
Look for the following signs to let you know you’re on the right track:
- She’s adjusting/playing with her hair.
- She turns to face you directly.
- She leans closer to you.
- She mirrors your body language (you drink from your water bottle, she drinks from hers).
But warning! These signs mean she’s looking for an out:
- She turns so her side faces you.
- One foot is slid forward (like in the direction she’d like to go – away from you!)
- She crosses her arms across her chest.
- She looks at her watch (or her phone), or looks toward the door.
If you notice her showing signs of wanting an out, thank her for her time and let her loose. If she seems to be digging you, then you can ask her what she’s doing for the next meal. If she accepts, awesome. If she seems nervous, you could suggest going out with a group of people or perhaps meeting up for an evening activity (movie night, dance, whatever else is going on at that particular con).
But OMG, you couldn’t possibly do that!
A little too shy for that? Now, I’ve never been to a convention in costume, but I have friends who do cosplay and they will tell you that some of those costumes get REALLY HOT when you’re walking around on the convention floor. If you’ve found a girl you like and you’ve already chatted her up about her costume, you could always come back a few hours later with a water bottle for her.
“Hey,” you say, “With all those layers, you must be dying. I figured you could use a cold drink.”
Sure, she may check the safety seal (I’d be shocked if she didn’t!), but once she realizes you’re not trying to roofie her, you’ll probably win some brownie points for being thoughtful.
If she turns down your offer, at least you have a water bottle. Win-slightlylesswin.
The Importance of Cards
I think everybody attending a convention should have business cards, even if they’re not for business purposes. They are a great way of remembering who you met and how to get in touch with them later. I know that when I’m cruising around a convention for a weekend, I meet so many people that I can’t keep them all straight. Business cards help a lot!
Make a geeky contact card with your information – name, email, Twitter, Facebook, blog, phone number – whatever you’re comfortable with handing out. VistaPrint has free cards (if you don’t mind their watermark on the back), and moo has adorable mini cards that seem to be pretty popular lately.
Give out your card if you take a picture of a costumed girl and let her know that she’s welcome to email you if she wants the full-size file of the picture. You may be lucky and pick her up as a Twitter follower or a Facebook friend after the con.
After The Con? What Good Is THAT?
Plenty good! If she’s local, you may still be able to meet up. If she’s not local, you can build up a relationship via email and chat, flirt through cyberspace (where rejection hurts a bit less, so we can be more forward!) and then by the time the next convention rolls around, you could be sharing a hotel room. Or at least, you could try dating in person.
The weekend of the convention isn’t the last chance you’ll have at being in touch with the cosplay girl of your dreams. The important things to do that weekend are to get the conversation started and give her a way to continue it once you’ve gone back to mundane life.
Readers… Any Thoughts?
Guys – Have you had any luck picking up women at cons? What’s your M.O.?
Ladies – Spill some stories. Worst pick-up lines? Best? Did you meet your love at a con?
About Anon-O-Box
I met a girl at a con, and it worked out great. We were in a LARP and our characters had a bit of a love interest written into the storyline. So it was really easy for us to role-play our way into a conversation, and then once the game was over, continue on a bit tongue in cheek as we felt out each other’s real feelings.
The fact that I was role-playing to begin with made it easy for me to act more courageous than I actually was. Normally, I am nervous talking to a girl for the first time.
According to her, what made it easy for her to fall for me was that I was not a stereotypical geek, with body odor, and bad manners. I was well groomed, and pleasant to talk with.
One of the nice things about picking up a girl at a convention is that there are so many examples of bad geeks who set the bar so low, that its really easy to make yourself stand out as a guy who is desirable.
Sadly, it did not work out long-term. The distance after we left the con was too great of a challenge for either of us to overcome. If we had been closer geographically though, I think it would’ve lasted much longer.
If you want the flexibility of printing business cards at home but without the cheesiness of perforated edges, check out Avery’s Clean Edge line. Available on Amazon and at office supply stores: http://www.amazon.com/Avery-Printable-Two-Side-Clean-Edge-05871/dp/B00006IBV3
The non-perforated cardstock looks just like professional-printed cards, albeit slightly thinner. Since you’re printing just 10 at a time, you can create versions to match any situation (for instance, a personal card with your electronic contacts but no street address, or a two-sided mini-resume professional card). You can use Avery’s free DesignPro software to tweak the design. http://www.avery.com/avery/en_us/Templates-&-Software/Software/Avery-DesignPro-for-PC.htm
Word of caution, most girls at cons come pre-attached with boyfriends.
Again, it’s a numbers game of finding that single girl. Luckily at a con, you’ve got the numbers to play with!
@Messerole- you are right to point out that a fair number of women maybe pre-attached. I can’t tell you how often I am hit on with my husband standing less than 5 feet away. (Luckily he isn’t the jealous type)
I would say one of the most awakard moments I had at a con (while trying on another vendor’s chainmail skirt over my jeans) was to have a guy that had stopped by our booth to chat with me countless times wanted to take some photos of me with chainmail skirt (he even offered to email me the photo as he had our business card). Well I wasn’t paying much attention but my friends pointed out he must have taken over 50 photos and abotut 2 weeks later I found 5 VERY Large image files in my mail box.
Moral of the story: Sharing photos from cons are great but don’t send a girl a photo that clearly hasn’t been resize (10 MB photo files are a bit creepy).
But on a side note, I find that I have meet some really great people at cons that came over to comment on my costume. It is nice to know that people recongize how much hard work goes into a good costume. ^_^
Oh Looking but Unsure….you should go for it! Being a cosplayer, it’s nice to get attention from cute geeky guys at cons, as opposed to the heavy-breathing guys who come up reeeeeeally close to me, talk to my chest, and say something on the order of “you’re hot” or “can I hug you.” Totally sketchy!
Sometimes it’s a big help if the girl is cosplaying from a series you like. You can discuss the fandom, how much you can’t stand ____ character, or your other thoughts about the series. Ask her questions about how she made parts of the costume, especially if it’s particularly complex…we cosplayers love to talk about construction methods. If she’s got a big prop like a sword you can always ask about that as well. If there’s going to be a panel/event about a common interest, ask if she’s going! This is a great way to “run into her” again and doesn’t make you stalker-ish.
e.’s water bottle idea is an EXCELLENT one! Especially for summer cons….we get hot and often can’t carry a purse due to props, so a kind soul offering a water bottle is super nice!
Bottom line, Looking….if you meet someone that shares your interests, who cares if it happens to be at a con? If distance concerns you, check out your local con scene….many people can’t travel to cons that are farther away, so you may meet more local girls at your local cons. And never be afraid to ask them out! Good luck!
<3 Pantsu
And always remember personal space…every person has a comfort distance, I’m not sure what the standard issue is (maybe J or E could help out with that). Working within those perimeters is def. in your favor. Crossing them, especially in the ‘too close’ side of things, will lose any win you may have started out with.
Best of luck to Mr-Con-Goer!
I’ve been doing the cosplay/convention scene for a good couple of years now and almost all of my previous relationships have come out of that.
Being a male cosplayer helps a lot, as there aren’t too many of us (here in England anyway) it makes for a very easy bridge. You end up getting photos taken together or being in the same group.
As a regular guy I think a lot of the tips above are absolutely sound. I know a lot of my female cosplay friends love to chat to somebody who isn’t a total freakzoid and as long as you keep the things above in mind you won’t come across that way.
Talking about the character, or asking questions about how the cosplayer made the costume is a very good conversation opener just like Pantsu said. I met my current girlfriend at a con and remember my initial conversation with her was about her costume, it took a good two years of friendship but we’re together now.
As a British guy, I can’t make a comment about the water bottle idea but I can say an umbrella can make for an amazing way to strike up a conversation and earn brownie points! (nothing like escorting a lady cosplayer wearing a revealing costume across a wet campus in the pouring rain!).
Best of luck!
@Anonymous – Good hygiene definitely sets you apart from some of the more… fragrant con-goers. And you’re right, sometimes it’s easier to start with RP and then move into the real flirting. I hear tell that LARPing is where the girls are.
@Karl – Thanks for the additional biz card suggestions!
@DiceGirl – Yeahhh… it’s one thing if the person WANTS the big file… it’s another to fill their mailbox.
@Pantsu – “Can I hug you?” REALLY? That is totally creepy.
@MShel – YES!! When in doubt with personal space, err on the side of “too far away.”
@Mark – Ooooh, the umbrella is a great idea! Thanks for sharing!
After reading some of the comments and from my 20+ years of going to conventions and watching and interacting with people some of the things I have noticed, and the stuff that was already mentioned also plays a big part in it and is true. One of the biggest things is to listen, when you talk to a cosplaying lady, one talk to their face and not to their chest as was mentioned before, but also when you ask about their costume or talk to them about the series, actually listen and pay attention to what they are saying, show them that they are the focus of the conversation and what they are saying is the only important thing going on right now. You would be amazed at how many people just feign interest in the hopes of picking someone up. Also if you go to a con looking to hook up or try and find a gf, women can pick up on those vibes, and you probably will end up leaving disappointed. Also I hate to say it but us men are at a disadvantage as well, since there are so few women compared to men, they literally have the pic of the litter so to speak. You need to do something that makes you stand out from the rest of the guys or gals that have talked to the cosplayer. I know this is long but just some advice from someone who has learned from mistakes made by myself and others.
Great tips, and very true. Now, if only we had a darn convention in Quebec that wasn’t only about anime…
I think it’s best if you can catch a cosplaying girl when she’s *not* in the middle of getting her picture taken by a bunch of people. Find her sipping a coffee or siting down for a break. It’s a much better time to approach. I pretty much ignore people when i’m in photo phase for several reasons.
Anime conventions are also fun to go to especially if you are a cosplayer since there are more cosplayer’s there than at the traditional conventions. Also people are more likely to want to talk about their costumes as well. Word of advice make sure you do a little bit of homework on the genre before you do decide to go, nothing worse than trying to sound cool and try to talk about something and you have no idea what it is you are talking about.