Despite what you may think by the picture to the right, I”m not going to advise you to kiss other dudes in order to attract women.
(Ironically enough, if you’re a girl and you kiss your girlfriends at the bar, you’ll attract guys. Funny how that all works, isn’t it?)
There’s a great Best of Craigslist posting entitled How to Meet Women — Advice from a Gay Man. In it, the author points out that the reason most straight men are horrible at approaching women is the reason why so many gay guys have tons of female friends.
Gay men don’t have the hang-ups about approaching women that straight men do. “We gay boys were simply relating to girls as equals — sharing stories, plotting fan clubs, and making scrapbooks.” Gay men approach a woman as an interesting person; straight men approach women as a possible mate and with all the hang-ups and insecurities related to her possible reaction to them. “The point is that your early relationships with girls rested on expectations that you had no right to form in the first place.”
Amen, gay boi. Amen.
I had an acquaintance in college who was never without a girlfriend. Ethan was one of those “Flavor of the Month” type guys – every time you saw him, a new girl was on his arm. He wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous and to be frank, he had the common sense of a block of concrete. Why did he always have a girl? His guy friends finally figured it out one day. A “normal” single guy only pursues a girl or two every month. Ethan, however, asked out just about every girl he met. It’s a numbers game.
As far as online dating, I know many guys who will look at a girl’s profile and say, “Oh, she’s too pretty, she wouldn’t like me.” They’ll dismiss a girl who seems perfect for them because they are letting their insecurities dictate their actions. “She probably has tons of guys better looking than me emailing her.”
How do you know? She might not receive much email at all. She might have a thing for a guy with a fur sweater for a chest. She might think bald is sexy. (Mmmm.. Jean-Luc Picard.) You can’t assume her likes or dislikes based on her profile picture. (Now if she gets specific in the words in her profile, that’s another story!)
From the Craigslist post: My point is this — fear breeds inhibition in relationships, even the simplest conversation among people meeting for the first time. Overcome your fear and you will free your inhibitions. You might try thinking like we do — when we approach gorgeous women, we don’t expect sex, a kiss, or even conversation. We simply see a vibrant person who might be fun to talk to. Try anticipating nothing, expecting nothing, and then being surprised if something does happen. Trust me — it will work. It’s worked for all of my straight friends so far, in fact.
The best approach to online dating is to cast your net wide. Send a personalized first contact email to all women who pique your interest. Worst case scenario – you hear nothing back or get a polite “No Thanks” email. What have you lost? Nothing. What have you gained? Out of the 20 women that you email, there may be one or two who are interested in you and will write you back.
Is your approach to dating not working for you? You’re not alone. I troubleshoot a lot of common dating problems in my ebook: You Geek, They Grok: A Geek’s Guide to Leveling Up Your Online Dating Game. Click here to check it out.
This post was originally published on February 28, 2008 and has been modified and updated.