For a hobby that focuses largely on beating the crap out of the bad guys and looting their stuff, most tabletop RPGs still oddly consider love and sex taboo. Killing orcs? Good stuff! Stealing a dragon’s horde? Well played! Taking the stable boy up to your room for the night? Whoa nelly, that’s taking things too far!
I’m reminded of what Kyle’s mom said in the South Park movie:
“Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don’t say any naughty words!”
Roleplaying is an escape from the real world, where we can forget about the things that make our normal lives less pleasant. But romance is one of the good things in our world! If you’re a regular reader here at GDG, even just of the Geek Life columns, odds are that you have a little romantic in you. Why wouldn’t you want your precious characters to find some love and happiness?
I want to make it clear that I am not advocating RPing sex at the table. While that can certainly spice up your after-game activities with a real-life partner, unless it’s restricted to a one-on-one game session or to a very small, very close-knit and comfortable group, it’s going to be awkward at best, squicky at worst. That said, I am a big advocate of PCs and NPCs alike flirting, hooking up, and even falling in love and having babies, regardless of setting or game system.
What About Love?
It’s never occurred to me not to have romance in my RPGs, and perhaps I’ve been lucky that it’s never been an issue with any GM or game group I’ve played with. For me, I like the realism involved. Boys and girls, boys and boys, and girls and girls are going to be attracted to each other. That’s simple human (or elf, or dwarf) nature, and something I’m not comfortable ignoring.
The door of opportunity for character development opens wide when a little romance is introduced. As an example, look at the Starz series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. (Seriously, go look at it. Then wipe up the drool and come back to finish reading my column.) Would Spartacus be as deep a character without the undying love he feels for his wife, Sura? That passion is what drives him to fight as he does in the arena. Is your character an adventurer just for kicks, or is she trying to earn enough coin to free her beloved from the mining camp he’s been unjustly imprisoned in? Love is a powerful motivator, and romantic successes and failures alike can shape a character’s personality.
If you’re a fan of roleplaying as opposed to roll-playing, the laws of attraction present some fantastic RP opportunities. A little diplomatic flirting can help you get everything from information to a discount from the blacksmith. Having deeper romantic connections in high places can get you and your companions out of a tight spot (or into it, if the romance ended on a sour note). Love interests within a party can bond a wizard and a cleric into a spell-slinging battle machine who can predict the other’s actions and fight in perfect harmony. And of course, GMs enjoy being evil and having one lover wounded or captured to see how the other reacts. Romance can add serious depth to the game.
What’s The Problem?
The question of whether to have romance play a part in a tabletop game tends to get kicked around a lot among gamers, both on internet forums and in person. Those who are against it are usually pretty vocal, and there are a few common themes in their reasoning.
One is that romance in any form will be a distraction and take away from the game. That can certainly happen. It’s also a distraction if the ranger insists on playing his flute at any opportunity, or the barbarian makes a ridiculous battle cry every time the party is trying to sneak up on an enemy, or if the monk keeps disappearing to work an investigation from his own angle. Anything can be a distraction if played inappropriately. It’s the GM’s job to make sure that doesn’t happen, but the players also have a responsibility for their own actions. Don’t turn the romance into a side show and there won’t be an issue.
Another is gender issues. I have known of some gamers – usually guys, but occasionally girls too – who have hang-ups with, say, a male GM, voicing a female NPC, propositioning their male PC. I would urge gamers not to read something into the roleplaying that isn’t actually there. Remember that it’s called “role” playing. If your cleric, Bob, accepts an offer to share a room at the inn with Ed’s sorceress, Jillian, that implies nothing about your feelings for Ed, or Ed’s feelings for you. It’s about Bob and Jillian. Be confident in yourself, your friends, and the abilities of all involved to roleplay, and there’s nothing to worry about.
Sometimes, I hear the argument that there are no rules or precedent for sweet lovin’ in any of the game rules (the official ones, not the 3PP supplements). I would like to direct you to the “Life in Faerûn” section of the Dungeons & Dragons 3.0 Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting, released by the big boys themselves at WotC. Right there in the equipment list are nararoot and cassil powder, both of which are described as herbal methods of birth control. If that isn’t official acknowledgement that sex can and does happen between characters, I don’t know what is.
Maybe We Should Slow Things Down
There are obvious times when you should not add a romantic element to your game.
If even one person in the gaming group is uncomfortable with the topic. Gaming is a fun activity that’s supposed to relieve stress, not cause it. Gauge your players carefully, and if they appear uncomfortable, pull them aside and ask them about it. If the seducing of the bartender simply isn’t their favorite part of the game, but only because they’d rather be killing goblins, that’s OK. Not every player loves every minute of every game session. If the seducing of the bartender is seriously freaking them out, though, it needs to be cut out of the game if you value that player.
If there are kids playing at the table. This shouldn’t require any explanation. Teenagers are a different story, and need to be judged on a case-by-case basis.
If you have “that guy” (or girl) at the table. You know who I’m talking about. The one who giggles like a 12-year-old at any mention of “sex”, “breast”, “wood”, or “duty”. The one who makes inappropriate comments, both IC and OOC. The one who would just make a romance-themed moment in game awkward for everyone. If this person games with you, you’re better off leaving the love for sessions when they’re not present, or for another game group entirely. (Then again, why is this person at your table in the first place? That may be a subject for another post…)
The Bottom Line
Ultimately, the only way to successfully bring a new theme – romantic or otherwise – into your game is to know your players. If you’re confident they can roll with it if an NPC flirts with them, go ahead and do it in the next session. If you think they can handle it, but aren’t completely sure, ask them. If it just seems like a disaster waiting to happen, don’t do it. If you’re a player who would like to see a little more love and a little less war in the game, talk to the GM. She might be willing to bring it in if she knows the players are interested.
But how to add romance in, and to what degree? I’ll talk about that more…in a later post. Bwahahahaha!
Is there romance in your RPG? Why or why not?
About c
Never had romance, no. One guy’s sweetheart had been killed by the evil guy we were on a mission to defeat, otherwise our characters were all kind of loners. One did strike up a flirtation with “Gist,” a summarizing NPC voiced by the GM…which was kind of funny/worked.
In the CoC characters my husband & I rolled up, we’re probably going to be a husband-wife team if we can make it work. We’ll see.
This is something I’ve spent some time thinking about. Romance features at least a little in almost every single one of the big name stories that nerds tend to gravitate towards. Those stories are going to be your source material (maybe not literally, but…) for your game (player or GM). I mused on a related topic about making NPCs likable here, for those who’re interested: http://rockmost.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/no-one-cares/
@Ruth – When playing in the same game (which is rare, as he’s usually the GM), my husband and I have occasionally played characters who are involved from the get-go, or later become involved. We’re just as likely to have our characters interested in those played by others, though.
@Ben – Exactly, and I meant to point that out in my column but my train of thought must have derailed at some point – there’s romance in LotR, Dragonlance, Star Wars, Star Trek…it’s everywhere, and it’s an important element in the story! Why not include it in your game?
Very nice article C. I think romance in gaming only adds to the experience and it’s a great plot thread for a GM to explore.
Romance in games is a powerful motivation, a possible piece of character development that can range from witty banter with a barmaid to a full-blown relationship with the prince you saved from the drow kidnappers. Where would knights be without the favor of a lady to inspire them, or Conan without a lusty wench on his arm?
If 2 players involve their characters romantically, it’s a great tool for the DM. My campaign had 2 men as lovers (as they were in real life). One of our favorite stories came when they were called home by the father of one of them who wanted his son to honor an arranged marriage that had been arranged while he was off adventuring. Complicating this was the fact that the woman he was supposed to marry had her eyes on someone else, who then challenged the PC to a series of tests to win the right to marry the girl. Hilarity ensued as the PCs proceeded to try to lose…but not TOO obviously.
Obviously, romance isn’t for everyone. As the article says, if you have folks who are uncomfortable or too immature, it might be best to leave this plot hook aside. But I’m with C. It never occurred to me not to have romance, and I’ve never regretted it.
Good article. Romance, done right, is part of the game! Simple as that. (Romance done wrong can just be left out. One DM sort of “assigned” us all NPC romantic interests in game. Just like that. It felt odd, like it was on his checklist.) I think it works best when it arises naturally from the events of the game. The best game romances I’ve seen led to storylines involving the children and family of the couples, especially in a later iteration of the game.
@GGG – I *love* that story! It totally makes a perfect “in between other things” adventure, too.
@CJ – Thanks! Fancy running into you here!
@GGG – What a wonderful story! I would have loved to have been at the game table for that session!
@Bill – Assigned romantic assignments? Srsly? Romance done wrong, indeed! In my longest running game my character and her husband (an NPC) have married and had children, and it’s really added a lot to the game. They had their twins while still adventuring – being on the road with two babies en tow presented quite the challenge!
I agree, romance done well in a party can add a lot of depth to the role playing. But done badly it can become a source of frustration.
I’ve seen both kinds of ingame relationships in the campaigns I’ve played.
The ones that tend not to work out so well usually had a situation like; the players agree “hey, we should have our PC’s have lots of sex” and it took up so much of the player’s time ingame it kind of destroyed all the other roleplaying and made it very difficult for the other party members to keep going on with the main quest. It’s probably obvious that, apart from the lusting, the PC’s usually didn’t have much in common.
On the other hand, one of my own characters ended up in a relationship with an NPC in a totally different way. It started in the very first session when the group was introduced to a major NPC and I asked “Hey, is he handsome?”.
For some reason the rest of the group assumed my PC and the NPC were going to become romantically involved and they did everything to get them together. But there just wasn’t any chemistry. Then my PC met a NPC from her past who was supposed to be implemented as a minor villain. With him, there was LOTS of chemistry and they hooked up in a sidequest where we were playing with only 2 of the 5 players. They were supposed to fight him but… that ended up in a kind of different way and they found out that they had been on the same side all the time.
Hilarity ensued when the cleric of the group didn’t trust my PC and asked her what _exactly_ had happened that night _while still under influence of a Zone of Truth Spell_.
I played in a (very short-lived) game in which my friend Hybban played the husband of my character. We had a lot of fun with it (a little spousal bickering here and there, not the “let’s have lots of sex and make the game awkward” like Pixiedragon describes). If you go into the D&D category in the blue header above, you can find those posts under “He Said, She Said.” You can see our characters’ different views on the same events.
Love, sex, and relationships are three different things, and mean different things to a game. As well as the consequences of same. I need to put that out there first.
A good setting will also have to layer in-game cultural notations as well. How is homosexuality seen? Polygamy? I have one cultural group that looks down on monogamy.
That being said, all of the above are very dynamic motivators.
Relationships are somewhat common in my setting, and I have 5 PCs that have gotten married, about to be 6. I have 3 with Children (one with an incredibly sad story that is known throught a small city).
A few characters have been remarkably faithful to their spouses, despite adventuring, and at times it has even been fun-uncomfortable.
As for sex, and the affects of sex…I had one of my male players who had very advanced social skills and spent a lot of time being dashing get hit on very hard by one of his guildmistresses…
And I like it when the PCs play their proclivities strongly. This is any heavy tendency, but sexuality it such a fundamental human(oid) dynamic; it can add a lot to a game if the GM keeps it in line.
Oh. It can add to the realistic creation of a setting, as well.
http://celtricia.pbworks.com/Disrupt-Moon-Cycle-spell
Very good article. I must say that the campaign start with e when we were playing a couple was really fun. It had very strong repercussions on the campaign itself, as a certain dark elf would remember…
@Pixiedragon – The “hey, we should have our PCs have lots of sex” mindset can definitely disrupt the game! It’s fine if that’s what the game is intended to be from the get-go, but if it’s supposed to be a fantasy game with a little sex, and turns into a sex game with a little fantasy, the party will never take down the evil overlord because they can’t seem to get out of the bedroom.
It’s fun to see what kind of chemistry develops between characters. Some of the best interactions I’ve seen have been those that weren’t planned.
@e and Hybban – Playing a couple can be tons of fun! It’s a great roleplaying opportunity to really get into a character’s mind (and heart!).
@LordVreeg – Oh, I agree that love, sex, and relationships are not always the same thing. Just as in real life, sex can occur outside of love or even a relationship. For the sake of brevity, I decided “romance” was the word that best encompassed them all.
Some cultural notions need to be laid down at the start of the game (when I first started playing WoD, the first thing I asked the GM was, “Please tell me vampires can have sex in this setting?”), but often others can be established as the game progresses and certain things are encountered.
Good post (to start off with). Some of the points you made in “when should you not do it” are why I start all of my games off the same way. “What rating do you guys want this game to have? What things do you definitely not want me to touch on?” and then the most important one (mandatory for my games) “Do you agree to tell me, either privately or openly, the second something in the game makes you feel uncomfortable?”
The reason for this is because I like dealing with mature themes. Romance, and relationships, are one of those themes that come up. I like playing them naturally, but the fact is I encourage players to get involved. Emotional connections are wonderful and fun, and then sometimes they get severed and it can hurt the character. In a recent hero game I ran, one of the female PCs was /just/ realizing she was in love with her child hood friend when he sacrificed himself to save a bunch of cops during a prison break. Then, when she was getting over him and starting to move on her next “would be” boyfriend did the exact same thing to save a child’s life. Needless to say she wasn’t happy, but the emotion that came out of it was awesome to see at the gaming table and it made the story so much more rich and enjoyable.
In a game I’m running, I recently had the interesting event occur where two of my players asked me for the opportunity to get into a relationship. I’ve never had that happen before when running a game, but it was interesting and I’m seeing what I can do to accommodate their requests. I talk about it a bit here (as well as this topic a bit more and with less skill) if anyone is interested: http://www.realityrefracted.com/2010/07/mr-gm-id-like-girlfriend-please.html
@A.L. – It sounds like you have a great thing going with your games! And it’s definitely the most important thing for players to know that you want and expect them to let you know if something in the game makes them uncomfortable. There’s nothing worse than a player stewing over something for months and finally either blowing up or quitting the game, when all they’d needed to do was say, “I’m not comfortable with this.”
There is also a difference between ‘romance’ and ‘sex’. Theres even a difference between ‘sex’ and ‘downright rediculous’.
example 1:
A budding romance between two PCs..or even between a PC and an NPC can be a driving force behind a storyline. It doesnt have to be overdone, campy, rediculously cheesy or even downright adorable. It -can- be very real, at least to the characters and help flesh out a character’s wants, needs and personality.
example 2:
Okay, so you’ve got a dwarven barbarian who is crude, lecherous and enjoys his drink a little too much in your party. Why wouldn’t he stop off at the local brothel? What makes you think that the DM or any other player in the game has to RP the whole thing out? It is literally up to the group and/or player. It is for this reason many RP enforced MUDs have the concept and term ‘fade to black’ or FTB. Your party just swings by the brothel later to pick up your wayward (and entirely happy) dwarf who may or may not make significant comments later about his escapade.
Romance and sex do not have to be awkward or without taste in an RP setting, and can be useful, or downright hilarious props for future storylines.