Full disclosure: I have read the first Twilight book, but not the others. I’ve never seen any of the movies. And yet, I know a fair amount about the series, both because I am a living, breathing human in the year 2010 and because I have gleefully read up the plots of the rest of the books on Wikipedia.
I am one of those rare individuals with an immunity to Twilight. I’m not afraid to sit down with a Young Adult novel (cough, Harry Potter, cough) but this one didn’t inspire me to seek out the others. However, as with politics, I’ve been told I have to take a side in the biggest battle of our times: Team Edward or Team Jacob.
What the what?
The books have all been written, right? Similar to Harry Potter, there is a definite answer as to the victor. But apparently that doesn’t matter – choosing a side means something, says something about who you are.
Well, I can buy that. Let’s see what this whole Team Twilight rigmarole does say about you:
Team Edward – Hope You Didn’t Like Peeing Alone
Okay, he’s creepy. I said it. He lurks in your bedroom at night, he probably cleans out your hairbrush and goes through your garbage. You’re joined at the hip, and he’s the worst kind of possessive. Not to mention controlling; many have compared Edward to Bella’s father, that he’s essentially the involved, present parental figure. So, if you’re the kind of girl who’s two feet away from calling your boyfriend Daddy and joining a patriarchal cult, Edward may be your guy.
Seriously, do I need to say what I really think? Stalking’s not cool, guys and girls. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a fangy cesarean.
Team Jacob – He’ll Leave Bats On Your Back Porch
Ah, Jacob. Loyal, not afraid to be kicked. Just as possessive as Edward, really, but he’s rarely allowed to be so. Jacob’s main selling points are that he’s more human – children that won’t eat their way out of you! – and he’s hot. Um, I mean, warm-blooded. Despite being a rough-and-tough werewolf, chances are he will not leave you in bruised heap after sex. And on a cold night, instant space heater/fur blanket!
Those on the Team Jacob team at least prefer less stalking, but are probably the type of women who wouldn’t mind reading a romance novel with Fabio on the cover. They’re the hopeless romantics who want to be swept off their feet – literally. Oh wait, that’s Team Edward girls too. Where’s the guy who wants Bella to be independent and take kickboxing lessons?
When a Woman Loves a Fictional Character
I’ve heard there’s a term called Twilight Widowers – men whose girlfriends and wives have become obsessed with the Twilight books and the perfection of Edward (or Jacob). I’ve already established that they’re not perfect, but why would anyone get swept up in the mania?
Well, there are varying reasons. For middle-aged women, they’re caught up in the suffocating importance of young love – perhaps reminding them of their own first relationships. Some love Romeo & Juliet for the same reasons (another one that I think depicts love in all the wrong ways).
For young girls, more disturbingly, they think this is the way things should be. To girls in the throes of hormones, it’s perfectly acceptable to blank out for a few months after being dumped. To girls with low self-esteem, the idea of someone obsessed with them, who thinks they’re perfect, is intoxicating.
Women who hold the men of Twilight up as perfect boyfriends are either setting themselves up for disappointment or to date someone with control issues. So, fellow geeks, as you look around the girls in your life – your nieces, daughters, sisters – do the romance world a favor and make them read the Harry Potter books instead. Team Ron and Hermione all the way.