Dear Anon-O-Box,
How important is a vehicle, these days? Progressive as we try to be, how much of a tendency is there towards the traditional? I ask because I rent a decent, roomy house and I ride the bus most places.
I cringe at the idea of telling a woman, “Well, if you want to go to (distant place), I’ll need you to drive me.” I know that I’m not expected to pick *her* up as much as I would be in a previous age, but I feel I’d lose a lot of points by needing to ask for a lift.
How many points do I lose? Can I make up the difference, or does it brand me enough of a loser that she’ll never come see this place?
Gumshoe
e answers:
Gumshoe,
Cars are funny things. By the tone of your email, I’m going to assume you aren’t in a big city like NYC with great public transportation. In places like that, it’s smarter and cheaper to not have a car.
So you’re living somewhere not NYC, but with decent enough public transport or walking options that you can get most everywhere you need to go. Cool!
You have two ways of looking at this: you can see it as a liability (which you’re currently doing), or you can see it as a selling point.
I’m always hammering on my geek singles to make their dating profiles into a unique story about themselves, something that nobody else can claim. What’s more unique in this day than a guy who is saving money and the planet by not having a car?
If I were you, I’d work this into your dating profile. Make it one of your selling points and you’ll probably snag yourself a Prius-driving, earth-loving gal who would love to drive you an hour out of town to the bigger farmers market and then back to your place for veggie stir-fry and nookie.
Different is good, if you can spin it the right way.
Happy dating, geek friends.
About Anon-O-Box
Why not “go Dutch” on transportation and meet your dates somewhere mutually convenient – at least for the first couple of dates? That way you’re not making prospective partners go out of the way for you, or relying on them for that awkward ride home if things don’t go well.
I’m a non-driver in an area that’s only somewhat pedestrian-friendly, and I try to meet up with people using transit instead of asking for rides. I only bring up a need for a ride if I can’t get somewhere by other means. I’ve worked at the same job for 7+ years and some colleagues don’t realize that I don’t drive, because I’m at work each and every day and very independent.
How you pitch it depends a little on why you don’t drive. But some people will be cool with that, and do you really want to date the ones who aren’t?
It can be a major liability… but it can be overcome. My boyfriend is 27 and does not have his license (due to anxiety issues). I confess that was part of the reason I didn’t consider him a potential mate when we first met. Yet he is always quick to offer gas money (which I never accepted) or buy dinner, treats, etc for anyone who drives him around, so it was not really a big deal. Add to that the fact that he’s amazingly sweet, sincere, intelligent, and shares my love of gaming and all-around geekery, and… yeah, the driving issue pretty much faded into the background.
Now that we’re talking about marriage though, it is a major issue. As I pointed out to him, you never know what might happen. If there was an emergency or I became unable to drive, or if my car broke down and he could not come get me– these could be serious situations. Not to mention the necessity of having two vehicles to accomodate different work/social schedules and the child or two we hope to have one day. Given that, we have agreed that getting his license and a car are prerequisite for marriage. He recently got his permit, so by the time we’re actually ready to go through with it he should be all set.
So don’t let the car issue hold you back or worry you too much. You will find whoever you’re meant to be with regardless. If they’re right for you they will care more about the person you are than anything else. Personality, chemistry, and love come first– everything else can be worked out later. I wish you the best of luck in your search.
@ofthebad – I didn’t know you didn’t drive!
I agree that there are plenty of places to meet up in those crucial “getting to know you” dates that will work just fine sans car. Hopefully by then, the other person will be such a smitten kitten that they’ll WANT to drive their new love around town. 
@c reide – You’ve got some really good points there. I’m glad that you and your boyfriend have been able to communicate your needs to each other and come to an agreement about the issue before you tie the knot. (Wish more couples would do that, about all sorts of issues!)
Veggie Stir-Fry and Nookie…a match made in Heaven right there!
I grew up in a rural area with no such thing as public transit, so as a young adult, I could not grasp the concept of not owning a vehicle – not necessarily a nice vehicle, but at least a beater that could get you to and fro. One of the many reasons one of my first relationships in college ended was that the guy did not have a reliable car and expected me to drive everywhere. I didn’t like driving then as much as I do now, so it quickly became a sticking point.
For me, the real question would be whether it’s simply an issue of not having a car (we all know that car payments, upkeep, and insurance are expensive) or not knowing how to drive. Again, with how I grew up, where everyone learned to drive on the farm well before they were old enough for a permit, it would be tough for me to get over. And as c reide said, what if you *need* your special someone to pick you up in an emergency, or drive you around? My husband recently had some serious health problems, and could not drive for nearly 3 months. What would we have done if I didn’t drive? One of our friends was wonderful and helped take him to his doctor appointments (I couldn’t always get away from work), but how would’ve we gotten groceries, picked up prescriptions, and ran our other errands? (We have a city bus system, but I can’t ride a bus without getting motion sickness, and the nearest bus stop was much too far away for my husband to walk to when he was sick.)
Not driving does not make someone a loser by any means. But there are a lot of things to consider with the issue.
I agree with what others said, it depends a lot on why you don’t drive. I’m a non-driver myself, and the reason I’m not is very off-putting, it would seem. I’m divorced and disabled (and don’t have a modified vehicle)and on SSI (so I can’t afford a vehicle). So three strikes against me before anyone even gets past my profile. So I identify. You have the blessing over me that you can put a good spin on it.
But as for the specific issue, I’d say that by and large, the reason people tend to avoid non-drivers is the fact that they don’t want to be wholely responsible for the transport. People don’t want to have another adult dependent on them in any way. I think if you can reassure them that you are not depending on them for transportation, that would go a long way to aiding the issue.
Also, if you are wanting the woman to pick you up for the first date, this may be a bit scary for her. Typically, as I understand it (I’ve yet to have that first date), with online dating you meet at a public place for safety sake as much as anything. If you are asking her to come to you at your home or place of work and pick you up, that may seem like a dicey situation to her, her mind may be screaming “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!”
So, perhaps if there is some place near you, or easily accessible by you, that you can suggest that you meet up, I’d say maybe on a Saturday for lunch so that you don’t have to worry about what time that last bus runs, that might work well for you at least getting to that first date.
Good luck!
Many of the reasons I’ve heard where people do not drive and yet still manage to win over the girl are generally peretty good, so they can usually say it with some kind of confidence. Those reasosns usually include anxiety, an extreme fear, not cost-effective, or even that they are not interested in driving in general. However, I have yet to hear about anyone in the same boat as me.
I’m 27, I’ve wanted a car all my life, I love cars, but I’ve never been able to afford one. And by “afford one,” I’m not just talking about new cars (which are completely out of the question). Even a $1,500 beater is something I’d consider a “pipe dream” at this point. Not only that, but I don’t know anyone who would be willing to give me a car so I can get from place to place.
I’m not trying to give a sob story to ellicit pity, but I’m just curious how one would be able to sell that on a finer point if that’s the kind of situation a guy is working with.
@Maj – I’m sorry to hear about your finances. However, here’s your spin. You don’t have a car because it does not fit in your current list of financial priorities. You have other, more important things to spend your money on at this point.
I was in the same boat for a while right after I graduated college. I even lost a job because I didn’t have a car. (The bus schedule wouldn’t let me work the hours my boss wanted me to work.) A year later, in a new city with a new job, I borrowed my boyfriend-at-the-time’s car. And wrecked it. Luckily, fixable, but still, talk about STRESSFUL. Ugh.
If you have good credit, watch out for dealerships that run zero-zero-zero deals. I bought my car with one, and didn’t pay anything down, any payments, or any interest for a full year. Paid tags & title, car insurance. That was it for the first year. It was great because it was all I could afford… and by the time the year was up, my job was paying me enough that I could make the monthly payments.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Good luck!
My brother doesn’t drive because he’s incredibly nearsighted. He can’t read the road signs until they’re right on top of him or judge the speed of other cars very well. After seeing first hand how bad it was (asking him to read a brightly lit sign for me while I was concentrating on getting through rough traffic), I completely understand someone not driving.