Dear Anon-O-Box: Separated, but not Divorced

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I came across E’s articles on Dating Sites Reviews, and they have been very helpful to me. Thanks for sharing your insights online.

Before I cross the Rubicon into online dating, I’d sincerely appreciate your opinion. I’m temporarily stuck in a quagmire: I’m separated, but not divorced…yet.

Is there a glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to find some casual dating partners? Or, should I just top it all off by picking the username “ReddFlagg”?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.

- Mental Block or Road Block

e answers:

If you’d asked this question 5 or 10 years ago, the answer would be absolutely yes, separated-but-not-divorced is a huge red flag and would send the ladies running.

(Sadly, but good for you) it’s become the norm in our society for folks to have what’s quaintly being called a “starter marriage.”  There are also couples who split up but stay married so one person can retain a good health insurance plan. (Don’t get me started on how much that says about the state of healthcare.)  People separate but stay married for kids or businesses or other things, too.

As with other not-so-desirable traits, this is something that you shouldn’t draw attention to in your profile. Select your status as Separated. Write your profile about everything else in your life that’s amazing and worth dating.

If someone is concerned about the “whys” and “hows” of your separation, they’ll ask. Otherwise, it’s the same as the rule for exes that aren’t ex-spouses: the details should be on a need-to-know basis.

My only caveat is this:  If you’re VERY recently separated, take some time for you. So often when we’re in a committed relationship (marriage or not), we merge ourselves with the other person body, mind, and soul… and it takes a bit of time to get untangled and remember who you are.

Doing so also helps eliminate the problem of choosing dates based on the “Not Like My Ex” criteria.

Best of luck in your dating adventures, geek friend.

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