Give Judy Your Notice And Stop Being The “Nice” Guy

FLICKR PHOTO BY ADD1SUN

This was a featured article for the September issue of the Geek Monthly Matchmaking Mailer. Each month, my GeekMMMers get an article like this one. I hardly ever post them on the site. If you’re interested, please click here for more information on how to get exclusive geek dating content and matchmaking.

While on Twitter a short while ago, I saw a quote that really hit home. I knew it had applied to me many times and I can easily list many, many friends and clients who fell into the same trap.

It’s attributed to Mark Twain, but like many quotes floating around the internet, who knows if that’s true. Same deal with Oscar Wilde quotes and Dr. Seuss quotes. Silly internet.

Here it is:

“Never allow someone to be your priority
while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Sound familiar to you?

When you’re single and dating, sometimes it’s hard not to latch on to the first person to show you any sort of attention and affection.  You’re lonely and it just feels so good when that person smiles at you, laughs at your jokes, touches your hand across the table.

And what do you do? (And by “you” I include myself! Been here, done this.)

You throw yourself in.

Head over heels.

Your life now revolves around this person because they’ve pushed your buttons. And like a Zynga game on Facebook, you find yourself returning again and again in hopes of a tiny reward. Anything.

You begin to schedule your day around the times you can be around the person. You’re there to wish them a good morning when they log into IMs and a goodnight when they log out.  You memorize their daily routine. You make yourself entirely available to their every whim, even going as far as canceling on other friends or activities to make room for them.

And what happens?

This is you, hovering your mouse over their name in your buddy list, stalking their away message for clues as to their whereabouts.

This is you, pouncing the moment they log in to say hi.

This is you, home alone. Again. Staring at a computer screen instead of getting out and doing things. Because they MIGHT be online and available to chat with you.

This is you, dropping everything to run to their house when they need you even though you know they’ve shown very little interest in doing the same when you’ve had a bad day.

This is you, giving into their every whim. Being there when they need you, being scarce when they don’t.

This is you, listening to that person’s relationship woes and hoping one day they’ll come around and realize that you’ve been there all along.

This is you, becoming that “best friend” who never makes the leap to boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sound familiar?

The Ben Folds song “Give Judy My Notice” really hits these notes perfectly. (Pun intended.)

I knew if I made it easy for you
you’d settle for me, yeah eventually
but Judy
I won’t be your bitch anymore
and follow you ’round
and hold the door
and I can’t do this any longer
the vacuum left is so much stronger
Give Judy my notice…

What’s left of you after you’ve poured your heart and energy into someone like this?

What’s left of you after you’ve made someone your priority while you’ve remained their back burner option?

A whole lot of empty. And suck. And sadness.

We’re tempted when this happens to blame the other person. We’re tempted to say:

“Girls/Guys suck!!
Why doesn’t anyone appreciate me
after all I’ve done?

I’VE BEEN SO NICE!

Exactly. You have.

I’m not going to say that you should go all Pick-Up Artist and be mean to people you’re interested in dating. Or ignore them. Those games are silly and people worth dating and marrying don’t fall for them.

We fall into this trap of believing that if we show the person just how nice we are, that they’ll fall in love with us. But it doesn’t work that way.

When you sacrifice yourself and what makes you special and unique and awesome, you immediately become LESS attractive.

The person you’re wooing may see and appreciate your niceness, but they’re also seeing someone who is 100% ready to give up their world just to be near them. And honestly, that’s pretty darn creepy.

When you think about what you want in a relationship, we can all say that we want a partner. We want someone who understands us, loves us, shares the cool things in life with us. We don’t want someone who is a slave to our every whim. We don’t want someone who is constantly saying, “What do YOU want to do? I’ll do whatever you want to do.” We don’t want someone who is willing to throw away the things that are important to them because they’re not-so-important to us.

We don’t want to be the center of someone’s world. That’s too much damn pressure for anyone to handle. Sure, it’s nice to be worshiped, but it gets old fast.

Recognize your habits, then flip them.

I’ve been down this path myself. Many times. For every guy who says that it’s the nice GUYS who finish last, I can tell you a story of times this nice GIRL has finished last, or been wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am’d.

Don’t let yourself get used by people who see you as their option.

Live your life with gusto and geek pride and surround yourself with people and activities that fulfill you and make you happy. Be nice, but don’t let being nice overshadow being YOU. When that person comes around who is going to be the perfect fit in your life, they’ll be attracted to you because of who you are, not because of what you do for them.

Be your own priority. Create your own happiness. Then watch and see who comes your way.

Happy dating, geek friends.

This was a featured article for the September issue of the Geek Monthly Matchmaking Mailer. Each month, my GeekMMMers get an article like this one. I hardly ever post them on the site. If you’re interested, please click here for more information on how to get exclusive geek dating content and matchmaking.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

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