An Otaku’s New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s has come and gone, and with it the time for New Year’s Resolutions. Like many of you, I have previously dabbled in SRS BZNS resolutions involving my weight, my single status, my novel draft and my inordinate fixation on epic purples in World of Warcraft. This year, however, I am taking a page from C’s excellent article and making resolutions that are not only appealing but fit better with my goals in life.

I resolve to stop writing my enemies’ names over and over in my notebooks with increasingly elaborate methods of death.

Otherwise, I may find myself in an awkward position of explaining myself when a raccoon-eyed young man with a giant sweet tooth is asking me questions about why that guy who short changed me at the anime store was found dead of shame after prancing around in a Faye Valentine outfit before writing DELETE DELETE DELETE fifteen times on his wall.

I resolve to pull any and all bandaids off of little stray kittens I may find on the street in the hopes that they will turn me into a magical girl who fights evil and wins love by moonlight.

I feel confident in my pursuit of this lofty career goal. I’m sure the fact that I am almost thirty and overweight will not be a detriment to my dreams of being a teenage girl in a short sailor skirt.

I resolve to protect the environment, particularly the forest, on the off chance that a giant smiling deer-god thing loses its head and turns into a world-destroying blob.

Of course, there’s the whole saving the planet and thinking of the future thing, but really, the world-destroying blob thing has me more concerned.

I resolve to begin seeing a therapist IMMEDIATELY after inheriting, discovering or otherwise operating a giant mech.

Between the cast of Gundam 00 and the cast of Evangelion, I’ve concluded that mechs are hazardous to mental health and that the ownership of one is enough to drive even the most stalwart of young teenage boys to insanity, depression and apathy. Best to cut that off early, I say.

I resolve to begin a diet of ramen noodles for all meals of the day.

Clearly this will not result in any health problems, given that I know of at least one young man subsisting on this diet that is physically capable of ninjitsu and other feats of strength. The fact that he is also the vessel for an ungodly powerful fox spirit has little bearing on this, I’m sure.

I resolve to treat all the mysterious new women in my childhood sweetheart’s life with friendship and kindness.

This seems like a prudent action, given how high the chances are that they are alien space pirates, half-demon catwomen, goddesses on vacation or psychotic cloned super-soldiers. One has to be careful about what kinds of enemies one makes.

I resolve to always, always, always, ALWAYS carry a thermos of hot water with me when leaving my apartment.

Even if I am not beset by species or gender changes every time I’m splashed by cold water, better safe than sorry.

I resolve to bleach my hair blonde. And spike it up.

There may be long, drawn-out screaming as it happens.

I resolve to take my writing duties at Geek’s Dream Girl more seriously and stop writing ridiculous joke articles.

…Goddamnit.

What are your anime-inspired resolutions for the year? And can you guess what anime titles have inspired mine? (The prize for guessing all of them correctly is… um… my sincere appreciation and friendship. Huzzah!)

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