Why Red Dragons Are Horrible At Online Dating

Bring adventurers! I wish to kill them and take their stuff.


Who doesn’t love a ginormous red dragon? They incubate their eggs on open flames without hard-boiling their young (impressive!), they’re deadly minutes after birth (impressive!), and they amass large hoards of treasure, which you could have if you manage to survive long enough to slay one (impressive, on both counts!).

But why does a red dragon suck at online dating?

More importantly, why do you if you share its attitude?

Let’s take a look.

Superiority Complex

Red dragons are entirely convinced that they are the BEST type of dragon in the world and everyone else is to be ignored at best, killed outright at worst.

If a red dragon had a dating profile, it would surely say:

I am only considering other red dragons. DO NOT DARE TO CONTACT ME if you are a purple dragon, or a brown dragon, or even a white dragon. (Despite what you may have heard, I only did that white dragon because I was drunk. It was the mistake of a foolhardy youth that I don’t plan to repeat.) RED DRAGONS ONLY. I will delete your email if you’re not a red dragon, so don’t even try.

Your superiority complex may not be as extreme, but it can be just as lethal to your profile. Many people, in an attempt to weed out undesirable candidates, will start tacking on lists of things they don’t want in a partner:

  • “Don’t contact me if the last time you read a book was in high school English class.”
  • “‘Athletic’ means you actually run, work out, or play sports. Scrawny doesn’t equal athletic.”
  • “If you sit on a couch playing video games all day, move on. I’m not interested.”

While any of the above might be true, having them in your profile in such blunt terms makes you seem like an arrogant asshole (akin to a red dragon). You might get really lucky and attract another arrogant asshole with similar feelings toward people “below” you, but more than likely, you’ll just drive away otherwise interested (and interesting) potential matches.

Greedy, Greedy, Greedy

Hand in hand with the superiority complex is a greedy streak a mile wide. A red dragon can never have too much treasure in its hoard. They can give you the exact worth of their collection of coin and artifacts down to the last copper piece. If one piece is missing, the red dragon knows.

If a red dragon had a dating profile, it would surely say:

“I am fabulously wealthy, which should go without saying since I’m a red dragon and my superior nature makes me worthy of all the gold and treasures in the kingdom. Don’t even try to tell me I don’t need 42 full sets of plate armor. It’s not about whether I can USE it. If I want it, I should have it.”

Do you exude a certain greediness in your dating profile? Caught yourself saying any of these things?

  • “I love when a man treats me like a princess!”
  • “Life is short, so I want to have all the toys and experiences I can possibly get!”
  • “I don’t know why I’m single. I’m a (fancy high-paying job), I have a (fancy car), and I’m just dying to find someone to come with me to Hawaii.”

Greed doesn’t usually pop out in dating profiles, but you’ll start to see the red flags of it when out on dates. Does your date expect you to treat them all the time? Do they expect constant gifts and trinkets to prove your affection? Do they spend tons of money on things, but penny-pinch in areas you consider important? Keep an eye out for red dragon tendencies. If you don’t mind being a piece of the hoard, fine. But if you want someone more generous, the red dragon isn’t it.

Super-Specific Diet

While red dragons can eat just about everything, they prefer an all-meat diet. In fact, they prefer an all-meat diet so much that they’d rather starve than eat plants.

If a red dragon had a dating profile, it would surely say:

“My perfect date would involve us burning down an orphanage and eating all the children. They’re so delicious and tender. If we can’t find an orphanage, an elven village will do. Dwarves are acceptable, but only when I’m slumming it. They’re much too chewy. I have to be in the mood for dwarves. But seriously, nowhere with a salad bar. I WILL NOT EAT VEGETATION. I fought to be where I am on the food chain and I deserve meat, meat, meat!”

There are plenty of folks out there on specific diets. But your dating profile isn’t the place to brag or whine about them:

  • “I’m on the top of the food chain! If we go out for food, it will definitely include a giant steak.”
  • “I’m a pretty picky eater. My diet is pretty much pizza, chicken fingers, and General Tso’s Chicken.”
  • “I’m a vegan and it would probably be best if I dated another vegan.”

Some special diets are due to allergies (peanuts, wheat gluten) while others are for health or lifestyle choice (vegetarian, vegan, carnivore&potatoivore, TacoBellivore). But truth be told, except for folks with gluten intolerance, it’s fairly easy to find something to eat wherever you go. Don’t stick a label on yourself that’ll scare people away thinking you’re as picky as a red dragon!

Living together can cause some issues when diets collide, but if you love each other, you can make it work out. For example, my boyfriend is fishi-vegetarian and I am not. We eat vegetarian at home and I get my meat on when I eat out. Actually, it works out better since I’m lousy at cooking meat. If I want a steak, I can get one cooked by someone else and Dave can get lobster and shrimp. It’s all good.

A Certain Smokey Smell

Finally, red dragons have been known to smell of smoke (and sulfur). This may turn on the lady dragons, but if you as a puny human reek of smoke, you’re going to have a hard time convincing people to come back to your lair. For your health and the health of your dating life, please consider quitting. </PSA>

How About You?

Run into any red dragons on your online dating site? Cut and paste the most red dragon-like lines of the profile in the comments!

If you’re a red dragon who needs help, we can help you show your kinder side online with a new dating profile. If you’re a dragon lover, be sure to check out Draconomicon: Chromatic Dragons by Wizards of the Coast. It’s where I did my research for this post.

About e

Since 2008, E. Foley of Geek’s Dream Girl has been helping geeks from around the world find love. She writes amazing online dating profiles for her fellow geeks and guides them through the perilous waters of the dating scene and out the other side. She's totally proud to report that she's even caused a couple geek weddings! She lives in Maryland with DaveTheGame, her adorable cats, Mr. Peanut & Don Juan, and Titania, Queen of the Cocker Spaniels. (Email e, or follow @geeksdreamgirl on Twitter.)

Speak Your Mind