DEER NO-NO BOX: I’se Got Sum Problemz

That there E wantit me t’ take up her datin’ advice No-No Box fer t’day. Hain’t one t’ say no t’ payin’ work, so Ah said ah reckined Ah’d be up fer it. Found out weren’t no pay to be had, but Ah’m supposin’ that’s just me not askin’ what I otter.

Anyhows, she opint up her No-No Box so’s there’d be queckshins fer me. Ah looked fer only the most shortest ones in thar. Figgered Ah’d do more ‘n one since Ah ain’t lazy like that ol’ E.

Fer some reason, none o’ these had names on ‘em, so I hadda backtrace ‘em.

Suzy Frink outta Bozeman, MT askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’ve gone on several dates, but all the guys I meet don’t want to do anything but drink beer and watch football. Where can I go to find men with broader interests?

Please help,

Looking to Upgrade (straight female)

Deer Suzy,

Y’all oughter treasure every preshis moment o’ yer bliss. You got a good ‘un on yer hands. But if’n ya don’t like that feller, give me a call. Ah’s al’wus inter’sted in a broad, if’n y’all know whats Ah mean!

Julie Dunn frum Portland, OR askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

Where I live now, there are tons of cute girls! Unfortunately, I’m about to move to a small town in New Mexico. I’ve already changed my location on several dating sites, but I’m having trouble finding queer girls in that area. I don’t want anything long-distance. Been there done that! What can I do?

Regards,

Dry Spell (gay female)

Deer Julie,

Yer letter’s all sorts o’ confusin’. Yer lookin’ fer girls, but this sez yer a girl. Them datin’ internets hain’t fer findin’ pals. Y’all gotta look fer fellers on them. Think I gotta way ya can get girly pals, though, cuz a lotta web homepages I go to got pitchers fer this “Adult Friend Finder” thing, so Ah’m guessin’ since yer an adult ‘n’ all, ya oughta go there.

Matt Washington outta Macon, GA askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m a huge geek. Most of the girls I meet through dating sites can’t handle it, and I have a hard time spending much time around people who aren’t as geeky as I am. I know it’s probably my problem, but I can’t seem to get over it. Help!

Sincerely,

Kwisatz Geekerach (straight male)

Deer Matt,

Ah done been a geek back in th’ day, ‘n’ Ah know the ladyfolk hain’t always too nice t’ us ‘n’ our kin. Gotta say, tho, y’all mightn’t be a geek f’rever. The ‘lure o’ bitin’ the heads offa chick’ns ‘n’ eatin’ lightbulbs does grow cold o’er the long stretch o’ years. My advice t’ you is t’ do what Ah done. Buy ya some hookers ‘n’ wait till ya get a dif’rent job. Or y’all could just marry up t’ a bearded lady.

Editor’s Note: Happy April Fool’s Day! Many thanks to Logan Bonner for taking the reins and writing this very special No-No Box Anon-O-Box post. Do you want to ask your (real) dating questions and get some (real) answers? Submit to the Anon-O-Box by clicking here.

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