Dear Anon-O-Box: I’m A Turtle and I Hate the Dating Race!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I suppose if I had to boil down my problems with the female of the species it would come down to simply moving too slowly.  I’m not fond of dating sites because I feel they put an unspoken pressure on the relationship from the start when I want to just know a girl before even considering asking her out.

I tend to take about a year of solid crushing before I’m even willing to do that considering, and even if I’m ready and willing to ask someone out they tend to already have a boyfriend and pick up another one before I’d feel comfortable asking them out if they do break up.

On top of it all, I’m not very quick in other social terms, either.  I have tried meeting other geeks in RL around where I live (checking meetup websites and such), but there are either none or they’re not really geeks I’d get along with that well, and I don’t end up checking that often.  Help?  I’m a straight guy, early twenties, and I need advice either for non-dating places online I can meet fellow geeks including geek girls, or just plain advice on either finding a geek girl who moves just as slowly as I do or learning to speed up myself.

Signed,

Slow and Steady with No Finish Line in Sight

e answers:

Dear S&S,

Let me start by saying this:  You are not alone.

There are lots of other singles who feel like the ritual of courting has disappeared from our society. They long for the days when you could be friends with a woman and once a friendship is established, request to court her. And then move into the kissing. Like most other things in our fast food, instant gratification culture, the ritual of courting has been permanently set on fast-forward.

Now instead of wondering if you should be asking a girl out for dinner you have to wonder if she’s expecting a kiss at the end of dinner (or sex at the end of the night). Yikes, right?

The Bad News

The wheels of time aren’t going to shift into reverse. We’re in a society where the norm is that people date, mate, and marry. Courtship isn’t much a part of it unless you’re part of a niche culture that only dates within their own community. (For example, the ultra-serious Christians who save their first kiss for their wedding ceremony.)

The Good News

There are women out there just like you. They’re afraid to get into a relationship with the wrong guy. They’re afraid that if they say yes to a first date, it means that they’ll have to kiss the guy. They’re afraid to tell a guy they’d like to be friends for a while first.

These are the women you want to attract with your profile.

Make your profile clear and positive:

“I miss the days of courting, when a people could get to know one another as friends before declaring themselves a couple… don’t you? When the rest of the world is moving quickly, I want to know in my heart that the woman I date is my best friend first, and then my girlfriend. So please don’t be shy about emailing me if you’d like to start a friendship. There are no strings here – just a guy looking to meet his future best friend and wife.”

Most importantly, get out there on your dating site and look for women who feel the way you do. You’ll find the most slow-paced daters in the religious community, so if you’re religious, start there. If not, look for women who reference traditional values. Look for ones who admit to being virgins (they’re out there – and if they out themselves, it means they’re serious about taking relationships slowly). You’ll find similar minded people out there and hopefully be able to start the friendship that grows into a close friendship that grows into a relationship.

Happy dating courting, geek friend!

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