Dear Anon-O-Box: These “Nice Guys” Don’t Take No For An Answer

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m a straight girl with a fairly successful profile, so I get a lot of responses and many of them are from nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me. I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

I know the dating world is hard, so I don’t want to be harsh when I tell them to move on, but I also don’t have a ton of time to spend coming up with a nice (but firmly “no”) response for the guys who aren’t my type. When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Sometimes I almost think it’s nicer not to respond at all (except, the polite side of me doesn’t sit well with that). How do I write a nice “not interested” email back that is clear without being bitchy? Please help.

- Polite Girl Burning Out

e answers:

Dear PGBO,

Thank you.

Thank you for writing this, because I think it’s a message that needs to be heard. I’m going to answer your question, but first, I’d like to address these “nice guys.”

Guys, especially guys who consider themselves “nice guys,” strap on your listening ears. Turn off Pandora, shut down Tweetdeck, put your IMs on Away, and really read this Polite Girl’s email.

nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me

When a girl sends you a “No Thanks” email, she’s saying just that: Thank you for emailing, but you’re not my type. There are other men in her mailbox that are a closer match to her.

I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

She’s sending you this email because she cares enough about you as a human being to let you off the hook. She doesn’t want you spending days dreaming about her and then getting upset when you don’t get a reply email.

When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Oh, “Nice” Guys. Here is how you turn perfectly good, polite girls into bitches. No means no. No doesn’t mean “convince me otherwise.” It means no. It means the conversation is over.  Because PGBO has had “nice” guys try and try again to convince her to change her mind, she’s had to adjust her tone.

The bottom line, “nice” guys:

Just because you’re a nice guy

doesn’t mean that every girl you like

should give you a chance.

And now, to PGBO, the geek girl who wrote the original letter:

(Thank you for being patient while I talked to those guys!)

Stick with your original, polite Thanks But No Thanks letter. You’re doing the right thing by caring enough to let these guys off the hook. For every one “nice” guy who will write you back to question your decision, there are nine truly nice guys who are thankful that you gave them a timely answer. Keep doing what you’re doing for those guys.

If you get a “nice” guy who wants to change your mind, simply delete his email. Move on with your day. And smile, because he’s just proved your decision was a good one. He’s not the guy for you.

Good luck with your online dating adventure – I hope one of the guys you write back turns out to be Mr. Right!

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