My long-time readers may remember my article from just over a year ago about dealing with a problem player. Well, another one cropped up at the game club, and specifically at one of my game tables. We did everything I’d outlined in my earlier article to give him a chance to straighten up. He received multiple warnings about his behavior – both game-related and not – and in retrospect, maybe we gave him too many chances, but we were trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, despite the tensions that were building.
On Saturday night, the poo hit the proverbial fan when he and another player got into a heated argument. The argument started about gaming styles (specifically metagaming) and escalated into the problem player (let’s start calling him PP for the sake of brevity) throwing personal attacks at the other player. The fight started while the GM (my husband) was away from the table, and by the time he returned it was a full-out row between the two, with my brother and I (the only other players present) sitting by in awkward silence.
In the end, the GM kicked PP out of the game, and while PP was not happy about that, the rest of us were relieved and in agreement that it was the right decision. Did we all handle the situation in the right way? It’s hard to say, and I’ve been mulling it over a lot the past couple days.
What PP Did Wrong
Had PP kept his arguments to the game and gaming in general, he might have been told to just go home and cool down, and come back next week so we could discuss things calmly. Instead, he lost his temper, started slinging personal attacks, and I don’t think I was the only one afraid that he was going to start getting physical. When you start getting violent, no one is going to have any more patience or sympathy for you. PP shot himself in the foot when he started in with the verbal attacks, and a temper like that has no place at the game table.
Was Silence The Right Path To Take?
I’m not a fan of confrontation. I was also mentally exhausted from working 20 hours in two days’ time. As the fight ensued, though I agreed with my friend who was being attacked and wanted to support him, I found I didn’t trust myself to remain calm and logical if I interjected. I also wasn’t quite up to having PP turn his wrath on me. And I knew that if anyone could handle himself in an argument this heated, it was the friend being attacked. So I chose to keep quiet.
Was that the right thing to do? I’ve struggled with that decision ever since, and thought of many things I could have or should have said. The friend who was attacked was actually glad that I kept silent, feeling that silence can speak louder than words. And if I had jumped in, PP probably would have felt ganged up on, and that likely would have made things worse. So even though I’m still beating myself up over it, I have to admit I made the right choice.
Did The GM Handle Things Correctly?
I feel for the GM, who left the table for a bathroom break, happy with how the game was going, and returned just a few minutes later to find two players at each other’s throats. He called for silence, and once he finally got it, asked for an explanation of what happened. He reminded PP that he’d been talked to before about a number of issues that we as a group needed him to resolve, and he hadn’t done those things. The GM tried to remain as calm as possible, but when PP started in again with the personal attacks, that was the last straw.
The player who was attacked said he wasn’t going to continue to game if PP stuck around. The GM decreed that no player would drive another away, so PP had to go. I think he made the right choice, and the only choice.
What We All Should Have Done Differently
One can rehash a confrontation a million times over and think of many different ways it could have been handled better. Ultimately, I think the mistake we all made was letting it go this long and letting it get to this point. We all could sense the confrontation was coming. Over a month ago, I returned a book PP had loaned me, even though I wasn’t finished with it, because I could smell the storm on the horizon and knew it would be devastating. We were trying to give PP a chance. We knew he had a lot going on in his life, and kept hoping he’d pull it all together. Honestly, we were hoping that pulling his life together would take him to another city, and we wouldn’t have to face the problem head-on.
In the end, he couldn’t pull it together, couldn’t make the changes to his behavior that the rest of us needed for game night to be happy instead of stressful, couldn’t see that he was bringing the rest of us down at every turn. For the health of the group, he had to go. Maybe he should have gone earlier, but hindsight is always 20/20. I sincerely hope that PP gets his life straightened out and can maybe be a good player in another game group further down the line. But he’s burned every bridge to our table.
So what’s the point of this article? A cautionary tale for other game groups. If you haven’t had a PP of your own, odds are you will eventually. If you’ve given them every chance to improve, and they continue to make the game a miserable experience, don’t just keep hoping they’ll get better or walk away on their own. They won’t. Take the health and happiness of your game group into your own hands, and make the call that needs to be made. Will it be easy or fun? Oh my, no. But it will be the best thing for your group.
Have you had a similar experience with kicking a player out of your game?
About c
Nice topic.
I am starting a new campaign with two new players. I gave them a social contract that boorish behavior will not be tolerated and I defined what it is to me–playing Chaotic Jerk characters, lonewolf types, refusing to play the adventure, or finding some way to really detract from the fun of the game and sticking to the lame excuse of “I’m playing my alignment”. I told them I don’t give warnings and I don’t sit down with the player to straighten up. We’re adults here, we should know what it means to play nice, provide for the enjoyment of others, and contribute in a meaningful way. If that concept is alien to a player, then no warning will help. They get an email from me indicating their services are no longer needed at the game table, outline what they did wrong, and then move on.
I’m pretty tolerant of other playstyles (powergaming, metagaming, non-roleplaying, and so on) and let players find their preference, but when they think they act like a jerk to the other players for the sake of having fun at their expense, they’ve played their last session with us. It may sounds harsh, but again, we’re adults here and we should know what it means to play nice.
I’ve never had a heated argument erupt that caused the removal of a player, but I have had to ask a player to not return anymore. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. But it certainly is necessary at times.
And for the record, I agree that it was best you stayed quiet during the exchange. The feeling of being ganged up on makes people much more defensive than if it was just one-on-one. So while you can look back and think that you should have said something, it’s better to not have during this particular situation.
Good, albiet sadly unfortunate, article.
I’ve had to do it several times over the years, and it’s never fun. What it generally boils down to is trying to make sure that you’re preserving the group that will have fun together. The PP may be having fun antagonizing the others, but it’s really a kind of majority rules situation. It sounds like the PP was given plenty of chances to get with the program, and it never happened.
And I agree…not joining in probably kept the situation from esclating further.
I’d be fascinated to know what behaviors, other than being insulting (which, really, is enough) the PP had been asked to curb.
I’m the GM of the game mentioned (and c’s hubby!). I can give a few more details, but I won’t give many, as the PP has some personal issues that shouldn’t be spoken about openly.
The PP is, as c mentioned, a metagamer. Specifically, he has a tendency to make his characters plans out loud, which can influence the players whose characters are not present. He has been asked multiple times to write notes to the GM or the players he is collaborating with. But that’s really a very, very minor issue compared to the personal issues. Two months ago, several of us told him 3 primary things he needed to do, and he did them for a couple of weeks and that was it.
The PP has some real life issues that are going on that need to be addressed. I told him the night this all happened that he needs to take the time to get his life in order before even thinking about coming back to my table. We’ve offered advice, suggestions, and direction, and it has been almost completely ignored. It’s hard to help someone when they burn their bridges to you along the way.
Yong – I’m beginning to think we need a written social contract as well. One would think people would just do the right thing naturally, but sadly that’s not always the case.
Phil – Thanks! It wasn’t easy but it was definitely the best thing for our group.
GGG – Exactly, majority rules. If your behavior is bothering/ruining the game for everyone, then you are the problem! Robert described the other issues with the PP pretty well. Ultimately if he could have held his temper and not kept pushing buttons we maybe could have put up with him. But our first session without him, this past Saturday, was SOOOOOOO nice and peaceful and stress-free, and so much more fun, we were all doubly glad he was gone.