By now, you’ve probably heard that there’s going to be a new movie version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You probably have also heard that Michael Bay has decided the Turtles are aliens. Now, many in the geek community are upset by this, but I say we should relax, guys! Just roll with it! In fact, why stop at TMNT? Here are some other properties that could receive the Michael Bay treatment:
For the uninitiated, Jem was a cartoon from the late 80s about a girl, Jerrica, whose father dies and leaves her his secret awesome supercomputer capable of producing solid-looking 3D holograms pretty much anywhere in the world. Jerrica uses the technology to become Jem, a truly outrageous rock star with the fastest costume changes ever… and also to aid her in her general do-goodery.
A Michael Bay-esque Vision: Lots of room for special effects here, obviously. However, the audience would get bogged down by all that technical mumbo-jumbo so let’s just say she’s got magic earrings. Maybe given to her to protect her from an evil wizard, that Jem and her band need to destroy. Also, it would be cool if her earrings shot lasers.
The other 80s girly staple! Rainbow Brite lives in Rainbowland, which is more or less another dimension close to Earth. She and her friends, the Color Kids, are in charge of making things colorful and beautiful on Earth. She has a rainbow belt that allows her to spread color, create rainbow roads for her horse to gallop upon, and more. She’s had various foes over the years, but they all generally cause destruction and sap the life and color from the Earth or Rainbowland.
A Michael Bay-esque Vision: With a mainly-female cast, it would be better if Rainbow and her pals were in their late teens and spread their color by doing a sexy dance. Rainbow hooks up with her Earthling pal Brian, not because he’s the only one who can see her, but because she’s a hot girl with a thing for 18-year-old guys with paper routes. Also, it would be really cool if her rainbow belt was also a flamethrower.
Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Gaia is freaked out by the amount of drilling and damage happening all over the world, so she sends some magic rings to a handful of kids around the world. With the rings, the kids can control the elements (plus Heart), and can combine their powers to summon Captain Planet, sort of a badass superhero/personification of nature. His weakeness is pollution.
A Michael Bay-esque Vision: Captain Planet isn’t bothered by drilling so much as the pollution required to make all the drilling and mining machines. So he uses his power to blast mountains to bits and massive holes in the ocean floor. Gaia doesn’t quite agree with his “lesser of two evils” strategy and it turns into a massive battle between two forces of nature. Pretty much every natural disaster can come into play here. And we’ll throw in a love triangle so the kids have something to do.
David the Gnome
David, a real gnome with a pointy red hat, lives with his wife Lisa in the forest. He’s a doctor, and frequently called upon to tend to random animals or other gnomes. David’s best friend is Swift, a silent fox. Not everyone in the forest is friendly; it’s also home to the Trolls. They have powerful magic, but they’re extremely dim, and if exposed to sunlight, they turn to stone.
A Michael Bay-esque Vision: What if, instead of a few bumbling Trolls, we had big giants and then a whole army of little gremlin things? And the gnomes were more like the size of Hobbits, and Swift was a werefox? And they all got into a magic battle, and set the forest canopy on fire? Also, it would be cool if David shot fire out of his eyes.
What about you? What do you imagine other shows with the “Michael Bay Treatment” would be like? Let’s get creative!