I’m a straight girl with a fairly successful profile, so I get a lot of responses and many of them are from nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me. I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

I know the dating world is hard, so I don’t want to be harsh when I tell them to move on, but I also don’t have a ton of time to spend coming up with a nice (but firmly “no”) response for the guys who aren’t my type. When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Sometimes I almost think it’s nicer not to respond at all (except, the polite side of me doesn’t sit well with that). How do I write a nice “not interested” email back that is clear without being bitchy? Please help.

- Polite Girl Burning Out

e answers:

Dear PGBO,

Thank you.

Thank you for writing this, because I think it’s a message that needs to be heard. I’m going to answer your question, but first, I’d like to address these “nice guys.”

Guys, especially guys who consider themselves “nice guys,” strap on your listening ears. Turn off Pandora, shut down Tweetdeck, put your IMs on Away, and really read this Polite Girl’s email.

nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me

When a girl sends you a “No Thanks” email, she’s saying just that: Thank you for emailing, but you’re not my type. There are other men in her mailbox that are a closer match to her.

I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

She’s sending you this email because she cares enough about you as a human being to let you off the hook. She doesn’t want you spending days dreaming about her and then getting upset when you don’t get a reply email.

When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Oh, “Nice” Guys. Here is how you turn perfectly good, polite girls into bitches. No means no. No doesn’t mean “convince me otherwise.” It means no. It means the conversation is over.  Because PGBO has had “nice” guys try and try again to convince her to change her mind, she’s had to adjust her tone.

The bottom line, “nice” guys:

Just because you’re a nice guy

doesn’t mean that every girl you like

should give you a chance.

And now, to PGBO, the geek girl who wrote the original letter:

(Thank you for being patient while I talked to those guys!)

Stick with your original, polite Thanks But No Thanks letter. You’re doing the right thing by caring enough to let these guys off the hook. For every one “nice” guy who will write you back to question your decision, there are nine truly nice guys who are thankful that you gave them a timely answer. Keep doing what you’re doing for those guys.

If you get a “nice” guy who wants to change your mind, simply delete his email. Move on with your day. And smile, because he’s just proved your decision was a good one. He’s not the guy for you.

Good luck with your online dating adventure – I hope one of the guys you write back turns out to be Mr. Right!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m a straight geeky guy who is in a bit of a situation. I’m currently in the middle of an amicable, but certain divorce. This is after about 5 years of minimal intimacy and no sex (3 of those years married,) so as you might imagine, emotionally, things are pretty distant.

Anyway, my ex is of the opinion that matters are all but final and that we should seek other partners. Aside from my stark fears (my ex was my first kiss…) I genuinely wonder – would any women actually want to start a relationship with a guy in my situation? Complicating matters is that my ex still needs to find a job and a place, and we need to sell our house, so we still live together – just sleep in separate beds (yay basement :’( )

Any advice, including a “HELL NO” is appreciated – I really don’t want to feel like I’m leading a new love interest on, just to have them recoil when they find out that my life is in some upheaval.

Signed,

Basement Bachelor

e answers:

Dear BB,

Kudos to you for being aware that your situation is a bit of a sticky one. The good news is that it’s not as sticky as they could be. Here’s what you have going for you:

• Your divorce is amicable
• Your ex-wife has said you should find a new partner
• You have a room of your own (even if it is in the basement)
• You have a job
• You have a house (or soon – one hopes! – the money from selling one)

Generally, my advice to folks getting divorced is to wait until the divorce papers are final before you start dating. For starters, you’ve given yourself some alone time during the separation to really separate yourself from the relationship (even if it was emotionally and physically distant). Secondly, there are many folks who avoid those tagged “Separated” on dating sites because they’re afraid the person may go back to their ex.

Once the divorce is final, even if you’re still in your marital home, feel free to put up a profile somewhere  or join a singles club. Once you’ve made a connection with someone and you feel the relationship may be getting serious, then you can have the discussion of your current living situation. With the economic climate (especially the housing market) as it is, she should be somewhat sympathetic to your current lot in life.

Happy dating, geek friend!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m a straight geek girl who is starting to lose hope with online dating. I’m smart, friendly, and relatively good-looking, and I think my profile is pretty solid.

The problem: none of the exchanges I’ve had have turned into dates. Every time a conversation gets to the “let’s get coffee” part, the guy fails to respond when I suggest a place to meet – or worse! – I get stood up. I don’t think it’s a timing thing – I’m not suggesting coffee after just one message, and I’m also not dragging things out for weeks.

I’m not sure why this keeps happening; the conversations leading up to that point are usually engaging and fun, and the blow-off seems to come out of nowhere. It’s almost like these guys would rather exchange emails, but never meet me in person. Any ideas?

Signed,

Likes Stand-Up Comedy, Not Stand-Up Tragedies

e answers:

Dear LS-UCNS-UT,

D’oh! This is certainly a stand-up tragedy! I’m sorry that your experience has been so bad. Clearly, these guys missed the lecture from Mom about respecting women. And the lecture in high school about respecting other people’s time (you know, the one you get when you’re in detention for being tardy to class too many days in a row?). Sheesh.

You’ve cleared up a couple of my initial questions in your email. You’re exchanging a few emails before suggesting meeting up. You’re not dragging things on for weeks on end before suggesting a date. The emails seem to be going well up until the point of no return.

Based on that information, here are a few possibilities:

He’s Not Really Single

There are guys on online dating sites that are currently in relationships. They feel that the spark of excitement that fuels the initial fire of a relationship has gone out and they’re looking to relive that with someone new. But a little flirting online is as far as he wants to take it. He’s not going to actually cheat on his girl in the flesh. Just a little cyber-dallying.

He’s Painfully Shy

If you read the last couple Anon-O-Box articles, you’ve noticed there are some really shy guys out there. Maybe the guy who poofed felt you were moving too quickly and he didn’t have the testicular fortitude to stand up and tell you that he wanted you to slow it down, that he wasn’t ready for a date yet. It was easier for him to pull an ostrich.

He’s Got You On A Back Burner

Part of online dating involves occasionally having more than one possibility simultaneously. If this guy sent 10 emails last week and two women replied, he is probably trying to get a first date with each woman so he can see which one is more compatible with him. If the other girl was first and he felt a strong spark with her, he may want to see where that goes, so he poofs out of your inbox.

He’s Just An Asshole

It happens. No rhyme, no reason, just a jackass who had no intention of meeting you.

What’s A Girl To Do?

When a guy poofs, send him a follow-up email.

If he poofs at the email stage, give him a week before following up.  Send him a note that plays up your concern about his welfare. “I really hope you’re okay – I haven’t heard from you in a week and I’m worried that something happened to you.”  (Don’t trust the dating site’s “Last Online” date – they’re often inaccurate.) Don’t mention anything about you being worried that he doesn’t like you or anything like that. Make this all about him.  Because if his grandma died and he had to jump a flight to Nebraska for the funeral, you don’t want to make him feel worse about the situation. Give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re a good person.

If he poofs for a first date, send the follow-up email when you get home. Again, benefit of the doubt. “I’m sorry our meeting at Caribou Coffee didn’t go off as planned – did you have an emergency? Our conversations have been going well, so if you’d like to reschedule our meeting for another time, let me know.”

If after your very nice and non-accusatory follow-up email, he’s still MIA, block him and move on. He’s clearly not worth your time.

Before a first date…

You haven’t mentioned if you’ve been having any IM, text, or phone conversations before your first date. I can’t tell you how many rotten eggs I sniffed out before the first date through IM and phone conversations.

• If you’re dealing with a guy who is not single, he’ll probably balk at the idea of phone (or insist on it only at specific times).
• If you’re talking to a shy guy, IMs and text are still in his comfort zone, but a step closer to real conversation. He’s less likely to freak out at the idea of going from email to IM, IM to text, text to phone, phone to in person. Baby steps!
• If you’re on his back burner, he’ll probably insist on keeping it on email. Then you know you’re not his top priority.
• If he’s an asshole, you’ll find out faster when you’re chatting in real time on IMs or on the phone. (People self-censor a lot better via email than they do in IMs or on the phone.)

Again, I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad experience so far. I really hope you’ll be able to use my advice to weed out the poofers and keep the real men!

Happy dating, geek friend.

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m terrified of dating sites.  Well, not so much “terrified”, as they make me really uncomfortable.  It just feels like every time I’d meet a person there, all our conversations/interactions/etc would have a feeling of “you are expected to form a relationship with this person” hanging over them.  I don’t know how to put it better, but it feels like there’s this glaring expectations of how I feel about each person.  I don’t really know that I could easily form a relationship when it feels like everyone in the room is watching me or something.  Do you have any advice about how I can get over it, other places online that I can go (there’s never any sort of con nearby), or something else?  I’m a straight male, 22, and also signed up for your newsletter.  Thanks!

Signed,

Shyguy

e answers:

Dear Shyguy,

As a shy girl, I have a bit of advice for you. Being shy is entirely not worth it. Sure, you’ll save yourself a little bit of heartache when you fail at things – and you will fail – but it’s the failing that makes you into a better, stronger, awesomer person.

The good thing is that the internet allows us to meet people and interact with them while still in our comfort zone. You’re in your own house, on your own computer, and you have a backspace key handy. You can breathe. You can take things at your own speed. Awkward silences are much, much less awkward. You can “brb” if you need to take a quick walk to collect your thoughts.

Online dating is a boon for the shy guy or girl

The expectation you feel of “I have to start a relationship with this person” is not an uncommon feeling, but it is misplaced. When someone comes in for a job interview, a manager doesn’t feel bad about talking to them and then not hiring them for the position. It’s part of the process to talk to many people and find the one with the best fit. In online dating, you’re simply talking to someone and getting to know them better. The relationship part doesn’t start until after you’ve met in real life.

Since you seem to be a bit green (and I mean this is a nice way!), let me tell you a bit about some of the many clients I’ve worked with over the years I’ve been helping geek singles find love.

Very few relationships start immediately after the first date. And by very few, I’d say 2%. 2 out of 100 first dates turn into immediate relationships.

Clients will come back after a first date and say, “Y’know, I really liked that person and I think I’m going to meet with them again later this week.”  And they do. Sometimes it pans out into a relationship and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes they end up with a good friendship.

Or they come back and say that it didn’t work out that well. There wasn’t a click. I help the client craft a nice “Thanks, but no thanks” email and we go back to the drawing board.

The best part, shy guy? If things are going well on the first date, you can use that comfort zone of the internet to send messages and start conversations that you’re too shy to start in person. As you get more comfortable with your date, your shyness will evaporate and you can communicate more and more in person.

Alternatives to online dating

I will stand by my statement that online dating is the best way to go if you’re shy.  Why?  Because the alternatives I’m going to list below are even more outside the comfort zone of your typical shy guy/girl.

It’s Just Lunch: A matchmaking site for professionals. You sign up for their service and they’ll hook you up with a lunch date with another single person that they think you might like. You have lunch on a weekday (just during your hour lunch break) and afterwards, you each tell It’s Just Lunch how it went. If one person isn’t interested, the match is discarded, but if you both say yes, they’ll get you connected outside of lunchtime.

Table For Six: A group spin on It’s Just Lunch. Table For Six sets up a dinner party for three guy singles and three girl singles. A host or hostess from TFS will introduce you all to each other and get the conversation started. You get to know one another over the meal and then give your feedback to the host. Again, if there are mutual matches, you’ll get the person’s contact information so you can meet up for a one-on-one date later.

Meetup: Check out Meetup for singles groups and specific interests groups in your area. Want to brush up on your French? Go to art museums? Play Warhammer? There’s a Meetup for that. Not everyone you’ll meet will be single (unless it’s a singles-only group!) but it doesn’t hurt to expand your social circle and practice chatting with strangers.

Finally…

*hugz!*  Overcoming shyness is hard work. I struggle with it on a daily basis, so I know. But I’m also proof that you can do it. You can get into the dating scene and find people that you’re compatible with and when you do, it’ll be worth all the hard work.

Happy dating, geek friend.

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I suppose if I had to boil down my problems with the female of the species it would come down to simply moving too slowly.  I’m not fond of dating sites because I feel they put an unspoken pressure on the relationship from the start when I want to just know a girl before even considering asking her out.

I tend to take about a year of solid crushing before I’m even willing to do that considering, and even if I’m ready and willing to ask someone out they tend to already have a boyfriend and pick up another one before I’d feel comfortable asking them out if they do break up.

On top of it all, I’m not very quick in other social terms, either.  I have tried meeting other geeks in RL around where I live (checking meetup websites and such), but there are either none or they’re not really geeks I’d get along with that well, and I don’t end up checking that often.  Help?  I’m a straight guy, early twenties, and I need advice either for non-dating places online I can meet fellow geeks including geek girls, or just plain advice on either finding a geek girl who moves just as slowly as I do or learning to speed up myself.

Signed,

Slow and Steady with No Finish Line in Sight

e answers:

Dear S&S,

Let me start by saying this:  You are not alone.

There are lots of other singles who feel like the ritual of courting has disappeared from our society. They long for the days when you could be friends with a woman and once a friendship is established, request to court her. And then move into the kissing. Like most other things in our fast food, instant gratification culture, the ritual of courting has been permanently set on fast-forward.

Now instead of wondering if you should be asking a girl out for dinner you have to wonder if she’s expecting a kiss at the end of dinner (or sex at the end of the night). Yikes, right?

The Bad News

The wheels of time aren’t going to shift into reverse. We’re in a society where the norm is that people date, mate, and marry. Courtship isn’t much a part of it unless you’re part of a niche culture that only dates within their own community. (For example, the ultra-serious Christians who save their first kiss for their wedding ceremony.)

The Good News

There are women out there just like you. They’re afraid to get into a relationship with the wrong guy. They’re afraid that if they say yes to a first date, it means that they’ll have to kiss the guy. They’re afraid to tell a guy they’d like to be friends for a while first.

These are the women you want to attract with your profile.

Make your profile clear and positive:

“I miss the days of courting, when a people could get to know one another as friends before declaring themselves a couple… don’t you? When the rest of the world is moving quickly, I want to know in my heart that the woman I date is my best friend first, and then my girlfriend. So please don’t be shy about emailing me if you’d like to start a friendship. There are no strings here – just a guy looking to meet his future best friend and wife.”

Most importantly, get out there on your dating site and look for women who feel the way you do. You’ll find the most slow-paced daters in the religious community, so if you’re religious, start there. If not, look for women who reference traditional values. Look for ones who admit to being virgins (they’re out there – and if they out themselves, it means they’re serious about taking relationships slowly). You’ll find similar minded people out there and hopefully be able to start the friendship that grows into a close friendship that grows into a relationship.

Happy dating courting, geek friend!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

How do you phrase something to sound “not very geeky?”  I’ve been told to un-geek my dating profile because it turns everyone away, but your advice (rightly so) says to put the most unique things about me in there.  So how do I tell guys that I go to conventions in costume without saying, “I go to conventions in costume!”?

Signed,

Convention Cosplayer

e answers:

Dear CC,

Who is this person who says being geeky “turns everyone away?”

If they had a face, we would punch it.

There’s a little thing I like to call the Chasm of Suckitude(TM). It’s what happens to a dating profile when you try to de-geek it. It’ll be featured in my ebook: You Geek, They Grok: A Guide to Leveling Up Your Dating Life.

Here’s the quick and dirty version, though!

The Original Profile

Your first profile is the one you write that’s all about you! It’s full of everything that you love! In fact, it’s chock full of geekiness! It’s awesome! So great! And then… you don’t get any emails. Or maybe you get emails, but they’re  not the kind of people you’d want to date.

So you think… “maybe I should de-geek my profile so it’s more attractive to everyone.”

The Revised Profile

You re-do your profile. Out with the geek, in with the…. the… well, um, what do you do that’s not terribly geeky? Oh gee, you watch movies. You play some video games. You read. You like to take your dog to the park. Um… um… that’s enough stuff, right?

You’ve just fallen into the Chasm of Suckitude(TM).

In attempting to appeal to everyone, you’ve written a profile so watered down and boring that it appeals to no one.

The Balanced Profile

The death of an advertising campaign is assuming EVERYONE wants your product or service.

The death of a dating profile is assuming that EVERYONE is your target audience.

You’re writing a profile that will attract the type of person you want to meet. If a 100% geek profile isn’t working for you, it could be that your area just doesn’t have enough geeks. Or maybe they’re afraid to email you. (Seriously ladies, send out just a few emails a week and you could have a social calendar full of dates.)

A balanced profile includes enough geeky references that the geeky folks will be excited to get to know you while showing off the personal qualities that will make non-geeks or geek-friendly people intrigued.

Your Profile, Geeky & Amazing

Your 100% geek profile might talk about how you attend Megacon every year and sew a different costume for each day of the convention. How at Megacon 2011 you and your friends got together and decided who you’ll dress as for Megacon 2012 and how you’re already researching fabric choices and drafting up a pattern.

You might consider eliminating this in your De-Geeked profile because you think it’s too geeky. And wheeeeeee, off you go down the Chasm of Suckitude(TM).

Think about what your cosplay projects say about you. It says that you’re a big fan of x (x being anime or fantasy or sci-fi). It says that you have mastered the craft of sewing. It says that you have a circle of friends that share your interests.

A portion of your profile might read:

“My sewing adventure started with the desire to make a Halloween costume when I couldn’t find the perfect one. In just a few short years and with no formal lessons other than what I’ve picked up off the internet, I’ve learned how to sew just about any garment you can imagine. And yes, maybe I’ve won a few costume contests. If you want to get me talking, just ask me about my favorite costume!”

Sprinkle a bit more geeky references in your profile and the average geek’s “cosplayer” radar will certainly be tripped. Finding the balance between 100% geek and grokkable-to-the-average bear can be a little tricky, but it’s definitely doable!

Happy dating, geek friend!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

It is mentioned in several places that women on dating sites are inundated with emails and (ugh) winks. I don’t seem to suffer from this problem. I get absolutely no response; emails, winks, rotten tomatoes or otherwise. Not even creeps or scammers bother me.

I have a picture (it isn’t the greatest, but I don’t look like a swamp beast), and a passing grasp of the English language. And those are just the basic qualifications!

What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Single Female Dallasite

e answers:

Dear SFD,

Hmmmm… well, you’ve certainly given me a bit of a stumper. Without looking at your actual profile, all I can do is make some random guesses. Let me put on my Miss Cleo outfit and my best faux-Jamaican accent and try to predict some of the things you may be doing wrong…  and like a real psychic, maybe I’ll hit on a fact or two!

*crystal ball*

“I have a picture”

This statement leads me to believe that you have “a” picture on your profile, as in… ONE picture. I really hope this isn’t the case. You see, guys have noticed that profiles with only one picture tend to be scammer profiles. Especially if the woman is attractive. You say you’re not a swamp beast, which probably means you’re somewhat pleasant to the eye and attractive in the eyes of a subsection of the male population. Thus, guys who are attracted to that one picture may feel worried that you’re a scammer.

The alternative worry (and the one my male clients bring up to me frequently when they find a one-picture profile) is this:

“What if this is the ONLY good picture of her? She must be some sort of swamp beast if there’s only ONE good picture of her, right? I don’t want to email her saying I’m interested and then have to eat my words if she sends more pics and she’s totally a swamp beast.”

When given the choice of ignoring you or possibly hurting your feelings down the road, the majority of men will choose to ignore you. Give them everything they need to make an informed decision.

Moral: If you’re not a swamp beast and not a scammer, put up more than one photo. Four is the magic number: One face, one full body, one activity/travel shot and one of your choice.

“I don’t look like a swamp beast”

We’ve all gone the self-deprecating route, myself included. It’s a game we all play, in hopes that our friends will give us a little ego boost. We’ve all gone fishing for compliments and most of the time, we’ve succeeded.

But just like you shouldn’t write to a potential employer with the attitude of, “I’m not the worst accountant you’ve ever seen…” you shouldn’t go into online dating likening your appearance to slightly above a monster from a B-grade horror flick.

Whether you voice that opinion directly or not, it colors your writing. It makes little changes in the spirit of your profile and nudges the reader into thinking that you don’t think very highly of yourself.

When given the choice of a woman who projects self-worth and one who doesn’t, the majority of men will go with the more positive choice. Nobody wants to spend a relationship having to constantly boost the other person’s ego.

Moral: Focus on what you are and what you do well. Get rid of the negatives, the not’s, the no’s, the don’t's.

The inundation, not every girl gets it

While the average woman receives exponentially more emails than the average man, not every woman is going to suffer from a perpetually full inbox.  I certainly didn’t. While I got my share of first contact emails, there were times when my mailbox was a bit lonely.

What did I do? I went out looking for profiles of men that interested me and I emailed them.

The men who replied almost always expressed surprise to have received a first contact email and said they hardly ever have women email them first. Want to stand out as a single woman online? Email guys first.

Moral: If you’re not receiving emails, start sending them.

How’d Miss Cleo Do?

SFD, if you’re feeling brave enough to post a link to your profile below, maybe we can all help you improve it a bit. Or hey, maybe the perfect Dallas gentleman will be reading this article… you never know!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’ve been single for the past six months and I feel I’m ready to jump back into dating. The problem is I have issues haphazardly meeting people while out and about because 1) I’m usually surrounded by other people that I know and 2) outside of my little circle of comfort, I’m just too shy. In the past, my relationships have blossomed from friendships that started in school, but having recently graduated and moved to a new city combined with coming out of a three-year relationship, I can’t say I know any local, single guys! So, I would like to give online dating a try, but I am hesitant.

What concerns me most about dating sites is the possibility of getting trolled or harassed. I’m a young, single lady, and I want to get out and meet like-minded guys, but the moment I start to feel uncomfortable on a site, I’m going to leave. I realize there’s a risk of this on any site, but what are my options like in terms of safety and blocking users who aren’t “playing nice”, so to speak?

- Is it Safe?

e answers:

Dear Safe,

With the recent lawsuit against Match.com all over the news recently, it seemed like the perfect time to address your question. The internet can be a very scary place, but remember that it’s pretty much a mirror of the real world. Maybe a funhouse mirror, since sometimes things are a bit distorted from reality.

In real life dating, there are nice guys and bad boys. Freaks and weirdos. And sex offenders.

In online dating, there are nice guys and bad boys. Freaks and weirdos. And sex offenders.

Match.com has announced that they will be implementing member sex offender screening starting in a few months. However, this will most likely be done using the identification given in the method of payment. So if a sex offender uses someone else’s credit card (begged, borrowed, or stolen), they may come up squeaky clean when in fact they’re not.

The moral of the story? Don’t trust a seal on any dating site. 99% of the time, the person will probably check out just fine, but that 1% of a Very Bad Person is still a possibility.

Ten Commandments of Online Dating Safety

1. Thou shalt not give thy full name to someone thou hast never met in real life. (Playeth as though thou is a wizard – thy name is power!)

2. Thou shalt not give thine address, neither home nor work.

3. Thou shalt use an email account that has been created specifically for online dating and online dating only. And while thou is at it, create a new IM handle to go with thine new email account.

4. Thou shalt use a screenname unique to online dating (not one thou useth on other websites).

5. Thou shalt always chat via IMs or phone before meeting in person.

6. Thou shalt use the BLOCK and REPORT features of thine dating site whenever they are needed. No means no, the first time. Thou needest not hear whining, nor disparaging language, nor anger.

7. Thou shalt always share the details of thine dates and their locations with a trusted friend, who shalt provide thee with a call 30 minutes into thine date, in case thou needest an “out.” In cases where thou feelest iffy about a date, sendeth two friends to dine at the same location to keep an eye on thee.

8. Thou shalt always transport thyself to and from a date, never accepting a ride from a stranger.

9. Thou shalt always meet for dates in well-lit, public locations.

10. Thou shalt always trust thine gut, use Google to thine advantage, and never be afraid to say NO.

Anyhows, she opint up her No-No Box so’s there’d be queckshins fer me. Ah looked fer only the most shortest ones in thar. Figgered Ah’d do more ‘n one since Ah ain’t lazy like that ol’ E.

Fer some reason, none o’ these had names on ‘em, so I hadda backtrace ‘em.

Suzy Frink outta Bozeman, MT askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’ve gone on several dates, but all the guys I meet don’t want to do anything but drink beer and watch football. Where can I go to find men with broader interests?

Please help,

Looking to Upgrade (straight female)

Deer Suzy,

Y’all oughter treasure every preshis moment o’ yer bliss. You got a good ‘un on yer hands. But if’n ya don’t like that feller, give me a call. Ah’s al’wus inter’sted in a broad, if’n y’all know whats Ah mean!

Julie Dunn frum Portland, OR askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

Where I live now, there are tons of cute girls! Unfortunately, I’m about to move to a small town in New Mexico. I’ve already changed my location on several dating sites, but I’m having trouble finding queer girls in that area. I don’t want anything long-distance. Been there done that! What can I do?

Regards,

Dry Spell (gay female)

Deer Julie,

Yer letter’s all sorts o’ confusin’. Yer lookin’ fer girls, but this sez yer a girl. Them datin’ internets hain’t fer findin’ pals. Y’all gotta look fer fellers on them. Think I gotta way ya can get girly pals, though, cuz a lotta web homepages I go to got pitchers fer this “Adult Friend Finder” thing, so Ah’m guessin’ since yer an adult ‘n’ all, ya oughta go there.

Matt Washington outta Macon, GA askit:

Dear Anon-O-Box,

I’m a huge geek. Most of the girls I meet through dating sites can’t handle it, and I have a hard time spending much time around people who aren’t as geeky as I am. I know it’s probably my problem, but I can’t seem to get over it. Help!

Sincerely,

Kwisatz Geekerach (straight male)

Deer Matt,

Ah done been a geek back in th’ day, ‘n’ Ah know the ladyfolk hain’t always too nice t’ us ‘n’ our kin. Gotta say, tho, y’all mightn’t be a geek f’rever. The ‘lure o’ bitin’ the heads offa chick’ns ‘n’ eatin’ lightbulbs does grow cold o’er the long stretch o’ years. My advice t’ you is t’ do what Ah done. Buy ya some hookers ‘n’ wait till ya get a dif’rent job. Or y’all could just marry up t’ a bearded lady.

Editor’s Note: Happy April Fool’s Day! Many thanks to Logan Bonner for taking the reins and writing this very special No-No Box Anon-O-Box post. Do you want to ask your (real) dating questions and get some (real) answers? Submit to the Anon-O-Box by clicking here.

Dear Anon-O-Box,

How do I translate “woman”?

Specifically, if I get a polite response to my email that answers all my questions but asks none and seems written not to encourage response do I continue or should I just get a clue?

- No Speakee This Language

Ask the Anon-O-Box your question! Click here.

e answers:

Dear NSTL,

The good news: You got a reply! (That’s more than a lot of other guys can say about emails they’ve sent out.)

The bad news: You’re not sure if she’s just being polite.

This is actually a pretty common occurrence. Of course, since we’re dealing with human beings, there’s no 100% accurate answer to your question. Here are some possibilities of what her email means:

• “Hey! A guy emailed me. I’m going to write back!”
  
• “This guy seems nice, but he’s an 8 and I’m a 5.  I’ll reply to his email and see if he continues to be interested in me… best not to get my hopes up.”
  
• “This guy seems interesting, but the guy I started talking to yesterday is really cool and might ask me out soon. But hey, I’ll hold this new guy on the back burner just in case.”
  
• “I don’t want to be a bitch to this guy, but maybe if I write a short reply he’ll lose interest in me so I don’t have to let him down.”

As you can see, there are many different ways this email could be interpreted. Don’t always hop to the Worst Case Scenario. Unless her email flat-out says thanks, but no thanks, you can take it as a continuation of your conversation.

Reply back and continue a friendly banter. Ask a follow-up question based on the answers she gave you in the first email. Chat a bit more about yourself (things that aren’t in your profile, hopefully maybe related to things she mentioned in her email).

If she doesn’t reply to your second email, then you can assume that first email was merely a polite gesture and move on to greener pastures.

Happy dating, geek friend!

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