Happy February!

Every month in 2012, I’ll be delivering some tips, questions, and writing prompts that you can use to freshen up your dating profile and have you looking your best for the love of your life (or the love of the month, if you roll that way).

Big Tips For Every Dating Profile

Start with a bang! Folks on the internet are in a hurry and like to have things delivered to their eyes as quickly as possible, otherwise, they move on. If your first sentence or two isn’t gripping, they’re going to slip away to the next profile.

Have an interchangeable section of your profile.  If this happens to be the beginning of your profile, even better. Have parts of your profile that you can delete and replace with other information. This is where you can freshen up your profile for the month by shooting in some new words that will catch the eye of someone new.

Don’t worry about Valentine’s Day. Every single person knows that 2/14 is coming, so don’t stress about it or mention it.

A Tip for Those in New Relationships on Valentine’s Day

If you end up on a first date around V-Day, bringing a single rose is a nice gesture. Go for pink, which is generally considered to be less serious-romance than red. Or if your date has a sweet tooth, a small box of chocolates would also be cool. Sappy cards are right out.

If you’re in a new relationship (under a month), think about where you stand. If you’re in contact constantly and all lovey-dovey, then go for the traditional gift and sappy card. If you’re only seeing each other once a week or you’re not exclusive, a smaller gift is more appropriate.

Three Questions for February

Looking for inspiration to freshen up your profile so it says, “I’ve updated this recently”? Here you go!

• What do you love about Winter? Do you love warm wool sweaters, playing in the snow with your kids or dogs, going skiing, or just having an excuse to drink more hot cocoa?
• What’s your favorite way to spend a snow day?
• What are your plans for the leap year? (Hey, it’s a whole extra day!)

Three Writing Prompts

Starting a new profile or re-writing yours? Here are some questions that might get your creative juices flowing.

• What’s the biggest leap of faith you made that was totally worth it?
• If you could take a weekend class to learn something new, what would it be?
• What scent reminds you of home? (Either your childhood home or current home.)

Happy Dating, Geek Friends!

Remember that I’m here for you if you need any help with your dating profile.

Happy New Year!

Every month in 2012, I’ll be delivering some tips, questions, and writing prompts that you can use to freshen up your dating profile and have you looking your best for the love of your life (or the love of the month, if you roll that way).

Big Tips For Every Dating Profile

Start with a bang! Folks on the internet are in a hurry and like to have things delivered to their eyes as quickly as possible, otherwise, they move on. If your first sentence or two isn’t gripping, they’re going to slip away to the next profile.

Have an interchangeable section of your profile.  If this happens to be the beginning of your profile, even better. Have parts of your profile that you can delete and replace with other information. This is where you can freshen up your profile for the month by shooting in some new words that will catch the eye of someone new.

Three Questions for January

Looking for inspiration to freshen up your profile so it says, “I’ve updated this recently”? Here you go!

• What excites you about starting a new year?
• Do you have any New Year traditions? [You can do the failed resolutions angle if you make it funny, not depressing.]
• What was your favorite memory of the holidays?

Three Writing Prompts

Starting a new profile or re-writing yours? Here are some questions that might get your creative juices flowing.

• What never fails to make you smile? Is it a person, an animal, a writer, a piece of music? Describe what it’s like when you’re around this person/animal/thing.
• Everyone wants to change the world. Are you more likely to do this through volunteering your time or donating your money?
• When was the last time that you had so much fun that you lost track of time? What were you doing?

Happy Dating, Geek Friends!

Remember that I’m here for you if you need any help with your dating profile.

Welcome to 2012, everyone!

When you’ve read as many dating profiles as I have, you start to notice patterns. Whether it’s writing about your ex, being negative, starting every sentence with “I”, or not giving your audience any reason to write you, I think I’ve covered a lot of them in the past. (If you’re new, click on Geek Dating Advice and take a surf through the archives!)

But I missed this one!

A Good Example

Let’s look at an example of good web design. I’m going to be a little self-serving here and show off the skills of the designerds at my day job, ThinkGeek.  Here’s a screenshot of a product page:

Notice a few things, which I’ve numbered:

1. Photos & Video
2. Headline & top 3 things about the product
3. Social Media sharing
4. Customer Action Shots (social proof)
5. Price / Buy Now / Wishlist / Facebook Like (more social proof)

What do all of things have in common? It’s the secret that’s going to help your dating profile!

Location, Location, Location

All of these things appear above the fold.

Depending on your monitor, your fold-age may vary, but the important thing to realize is that when people read on the internet, they want to see something right when the page loads that catches their attention and holds it. Otherwise, they click away.

Web folks call this the “Bounce Rate.” These are folks who click into your site and instead of doing what you want (staying & interacting), they click away to go elsewhere. Having a high bounce rate means that something is wrong with your website. It’s not sticky enough. It could be your design, your content, or a combination of the two.

How Sticky Is Your Profile?

Let’s take a look at what above the fold looks like for two popular dating sites, OkCupid (free) and Match (paid).

OkCupid Profile

Your main photo and Self-Summary are the first things  people will see. If your Self-Summary is short, folks may see the What I’m Doing With My Life section (or if you leave things blank, whatever the next thing you filled in is).

What This Means

For a sticky OkCupid profile, you need:

• A great default photo. The math nerds at OkCupid have crunched the numbers and given some advice on that on their blog.
• A super self-summary. Most profiles have never been revised or edited. They start weak because you’re not sure what to say about yourself and as you keep writing, you hit your stride and by the end, it’s pretty good. Problem is, you never go back to fix the beginning, so it stays boring and wishy-washy. Start your profile with a bang! How about short, funny anecdote? Maybe something weird that you like to do: My dating profile started out by admitting I like to ride my shopping cart in the parking lot of the grocery store.
• Keep up the pace! Once you’ve gotten someone to read your self-summary, keep up the great writing! Need help? I can advise you on profile improvements, edit your profile, or write one for you from scratch.

Match.com Profile

I really don’t like Match.com’s new UI, but that’s a story for another post. (Note to self: Write another post!)

Like OkCupid, your main photo is prominently displayed above the fold. So is your headline, although it’s in a tiny font on a fairly dark background.

What This Means

For a sticky Match.com profile, you need:

• A great default photo. The advice of OkCupid’s math nerds still applies here.
• Additional photos. I recommend clients to have at least 4 photos, and for Match’s profile format, you really need those extra shots to give folks a place to click. Since all your photos are available before a match sees your written profile, choose your photos with care. They are your first impression.
• A snappy headline. It is a little lost in the blue sea, but it’s the only thing above the fold that’s in your own words. Make it count. Movie quotes work great here!
• Activity & Interests: Notice the white boxes below the photos. These are populated by matching the checkboxes you selected for your interests with those of your potential match. Be sure to check off at least a few things that interest you. It also lets matches know if you’ve uploaded a new photo. Rotating photos in and out of your profile every couple weeks will keep you flagged as having “new” photos.

Once you’ve gotten someone interested enough to scroll down, remember that those first few lines of your written profile count! Make them interesting so your match will scroll back up and click “Email Him/Her.”

How About You?

Got questions about how to improve the stickiness of your profile? Take a screenshot of what your profile looks like above the fold and link it in a comment below. I’ll give pointers to anyone who posts here by Friday 1/6/12.

XKCD’s comic (above, click for the original) gives the following formula for determining the youngest person you should date:

Your age divided by 2, then add 7.

I am 32. According to this formula, I should not be dating anyone younger than 23.

A Baseline, But Not A Hard Number

For me, that number is still too low. I grew up a lot in my mid-20s and barely recognize the girl I was at 23. I can’t imagine dating a guy who still has those years left to explore who he is.

But you may be different.

You may be a 32 year old man who would have no problems dating a 23 year old lady. You understand that she’s going to be growing and changing and you’re fine with being her older, more established rock. That’s cool.

On The Younger End of the Spectrum

The issues I’ve found when helping out singles (especially guys), is that men tend to throw the net really far in one direction. Younger.  I find more and more guys in their late 30s and early 40s who list their age range for a potential ladyfriend as 18 – 2 years their senior.

And I ask you this question:

Would you really want a relationship with someone who is just out of high school?

I’m not talking about sex here. If your profile is bait for bootycalls, this isn’t your article. But if you’re looking for someone to date, get into a serious relationship with, and perhaps someday marry and procreate with… do you really think that person is 18?

Yes, there are outliers. I know some folks who are 18 going on 40. But they are just that, outliers.

Older Isn’t Always What You Think

Most women’s profiles I’ve noticed tend to throw the net the opposite way. Women’s profiles generally list a bracket from a few years younger up to 10 years older.  (This does not stop us from getting email from men old enough to be our fathers, sadly.)

Guys, I want you to take a page from the ladies’ playbook.

Here’s why: Every woman is different.

I am 32 and get mistaken for being in my mid-20s constantly. When I was in my mid-20s I got mistaken for a high schooler. Depending on a woman’s heritage, body type, skin type, sun-exposure habits, smoking habits, etc, a woman who is 40 could appear to be anywhere from 25 – 55.  A woman who is a sun worshiper is going to look much older than a woman who uses her sunscreen and avoids the beach at noon. A woman who is a little on the chubby side is going to look younger than a woman who is lean & well-toned.

You say that you don’t want a woman who is several years older than you. But truth is, you just don’t want a woman who LOOKS several years older than you. When you were a freshman in high school, would you have turned down dating a cute college girl? Heck no.  It only makes sense that you leave yourself open at 35 to meet the perfect woman who just happens to be 41.

Don’t Knock It Until You’ve Tried It

Give it a shot. Take a look at the age bracket in your profile and shift it over a bit. Get rid of a few of the younger years and add on a few of the older ones.

If you’re too chicken to do that, at least do a search on your dating site and look at some of the profiles that are out of your normal range.  You may be surprised to find some excellent matches.

Happy dating, geek friends.

Made ya click.

We’ve been talking lately about things that are the death of a geek guy’s dating profile. Things like being Captain Obvious or accidentally sending the message that you don’t want a girlfriend. But what if you swing the pendulum too far the other way? What if you get… cocky?

We delve into more men’s match.com profiles. Remember, these are quotes from the profiles of guys who are looking for a geek girl like me – a late 20s/early 30s, educated, professional woman.

Obnoxious Horn-Tooting

There is a fine line between touting your strengths and tooting your own horn so loud that we want to smack you into next Tuesday.

Tooting about self worth related to the type of women on match.com:

• “When it comes to women appearance is important…”

Are you so hot that you can dictate exactly what your girl should look like?

• “Okay, let me start this off with a little something to save us both time…if your profile says anything along the lines of “princess” or “excuisite” then go ahead and move on to the next profile.”

Now, I agree with that statement wholeheartedly. However, this is something you shouldn’t state directly in your profile. It’s just rude. The time to weed out the princesses is when (and if!) they email you.

• “Normal Guy looking to Meet a Nice Girl , can’t believe I am on here”

What does this say? “I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here. This is my last resort.” Wow, I feel so good about emailing you now.

Tooting about self directly:

• “I am a very athletic, intelligent and very handsome professional.”

“Athletic” – tell us what kind of athlete. I mean, they play Scrabble on ESPN these days.

“Intelligent” – We will be able to gauge intelligence by how you write, what you read, or the type of job you do.

“Very Handsome” – Gag me. If you have a picture (and this one did) do you NEED to tell me that you’re very handsome? Is that just in case I don’t notice?

• “To know me is to LOVE ME!”

ORLY? Let us decide that after we meet you. For now that makes you seem either cocky or desperate for attention.

• “ME: Tall, Dark & still Handsome! Good sense of HUMOR (Love to Laugh and make YOU laugh as well), Spiritually, easy-going, spontaneous, kind hearted, Romantic (not using this word lightly, but only the lucky one will find out MY definition of Romance (?what’s yours?), patient, a good dancer, a giver, honest & last but not least, spiritually contented.Charities.”

Not only is this so poorly written that it’s barely readable, it has a laundry list of adjectives. Oh, and a noun at the end that implies he donates to good causes.

• Headline: I have a very large….
• Body of profile: I have a very large heart! What a dirty mind you have!

Two no-nos there, one  being an extremely obvious innuendo and two, really? Let’s not bring any references to your… rooster into your profile. You know what the average geek girl does with a profile full of innuendo? We laugh at you and then move on to someone who can make smarter jokes.

• I am very funny and there is no way that my date will be bored of my presence.

I am so relieved! Please sir, entertain me with your amazing sense of humor. (The rest of his profile – not at all funny.)

• I’m well read, well traveled, well educated, and well mannered. I’m not overly arrogant…

Is any arrogance a good thing?

• Most people say I’m witty and a lot of them don’t get my sarcasm… Perhaps I’m just too…clever!

Perhaps nobody laughs because you’re not funny. Again, the rest of his profile… not at all funny.

• I get my spa manicures and spa pedicures.

This is generally not something you want to advertise. If it comes up later, once we know you, that’s fine. But it’s a tad odd to imagine you soaking your feet at the Pretty Nails Spa…

How Do I Fix My Dating Profile?

Again, the cockiness is something that can be found and rewritten in a way that is less cocky.  You can brag about your awesome job, but do it in a way that is interesting and fun, rather than making it seem that you’re a god among men. You can talk about your level of fitness, but in a way that shows how you enjoy your active lifestyle, rather than listing off the weights you can pick up and put down. There are even ways to allude to the fact that you’re stinkin’ rich without having to say it directly. It just takes a few minutes of time and a few edits to make your profile shine for the right reasons.

Confused on how to make all of these things work for you? I will be glad to help you sort out your profile so it gets the right kind of attention. Check out some of our services here.

Happy Dating, Geek Friends!

This post was originally published on 16 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

Do you want a girlfriend, or someone to sit on the couch while you play video games all weekend?

Last week, we looked into how being Captain Obvious was making your dating profile ho-hum and boring (and ultimately, making you seem not worthy of attention or emails).

Today, we delve into more men’s match.com profiles to show a totally different epidemic: guys who are on dating sites but have profiles that make it seem like they really don’t care if they get a girlfriend.

Remember, these are quotes from the profiles of guys who are looking for a geek girl like me – a late 20s/early 30s, educated, professional woman.

“I like the idea of a girlfriend, but not the work involved in getting (or keeping) one.”

• “tell u later” <– for just about every question
• “just checking this site out…see what kind of women are in here..”
• “I am not sure who I want to meet here.”
• “I’ll have to update this later…” <– he signed up 3 months ago, when is “later?”

“That guy” likes the idea of raking in the women, but not enough to put in the work to fill out his profile or articulate what he wants. To the ladies, this says, “I’m hoping my picture is hot enough that I won’t need to say much.”

“I can’t communicate well…”

• “Well it is really hard to describe myself..”
• “Let’s see what I can say about myself…”
• “It says I have to write 200 characters, so…”
• “I was lazy and didn’t write much, but luv to hear from ya”
• “I am running out of things to say about myself”

Lines like these are kryptonite to women, especially those of us who have been in a relationship with a guy who didn’t express his thoughts and feelings until it was too late.

You may think that you’re being shy or that people will forgive you for not being able to write a profile, but you’re wrong. Unless you’re White Court Vampire hot or John Marcone rich, you’ll get skipped over. Your emails will get ignored and deleted.

What’s A Guy To Do?

Fill out your profile!

Now, the myth here is that you need to fill out every single text area of your profile with a paragraph. Actually, you don’t. Guys can get away with a profile of as few as 250 words, as long as they’re the right words. Be clear about who you are, what you value, what your passions are, and the type of person you’d like to meet. Delete anything that looks remotely like the sentences I listed above.  Then you’ll be on the right track for sending the message: “I’m here and I’m ready for you!”

Happy dating, geek friends.

This post was originally published on 15 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

The unfortunate thing about most people is that they don’t bother to check out what the profiles of other people like them say. Let’s make a trip to match.com and look at some men’s profiles. No guys, this won’t make you gay. In fact, if you hide your profile and then search, nobody will know but you.

I’m looking for things that guys write again and again in their profiles. Things that make girls (especially geek girls) roll their eyes and move on to another guy.

For purposes of this article, I have done a Reverse Search on match.com. This type of search allows me to see the profiles of men who are interested in girls like me – late20s/early30s, educated, professional women.

Enter Captain Obvious

• “I’m down-to-earth and laid back”

If I had a nickel for every profile with a variation on that sentence, I would be a rich geek girl. This is a case of “show, don’t tell.” If you are down-to-earth, describe a situation in which you were the calm in the center of a storm. If you are laid back, describe the stress of your job and how it just rolls off you like a duck in a rain shower.

• “I’m kind of tired of the bar scene”

Yes, and we’re tired of hearing you say it. What will you NEVER tire of, ever? Could you watch your DVDs of Firefly until they spontaneously combust in your DVD player? Do you love your nightly walk around the lake? These kinds of details are what will excite us and make us want to contact you. If you’re tired of it, why do we need to know?

• “Looking to meet a good looking woman with a great personality to have a great time.”

…as opposed to looking for a woman who fell out of the Ugly Tree, has anger management problems, and will beat the life out of you? Again, Captain Obvious strikes. If you want better results than him, you need to be more specific.

• “Enjoy traveling and spending time with family and good friends.”

Where do you travel? Why do you like it there? What do you do with your family? Any cool family traditions or legendary tales of escapades with your friends?

• “I want to find someone who can enjoy themselves doing pretty much anything and is a kind good person.”

Vague, vague, vague. Here’s a good place where you can be specific. “I want a girl who can make waiting in line for a rollercoaster more entertaining than the ride. She’s the girl who plays the claw machine just so she can give the toy she wins to the nearest kid.” These are anecdotes that don’t pinpoint a specific PERSON, but help define the character traits you value.

Go From Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome

The move from Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome is all in the details. I’ve given you some examples above. Go through your profile and pinpoint the things in it that scream “Durrr.” Then ask yourself, “What’s a concrete example of this?” or “What’s a story about my life I can tell that shows this quality?” Delete the old stuff and write in the newer, more concrete, more awesomely YOU stuff. Then watch the emails roll in.

Happy dating, geek friends.

This post was originally published on 14 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

I’m in the process of buying my first home (OMG GROWNUP ALERT!!) and found that my online dating profile translating skills come in pretty handy when reading real estate listings. Just like in real estate, the words of someone’s profile may not be exactly as they seem on the surface…

Inflating and Deflating Sizes

Real Estate

• “Cozy” = Small
• “Finished Attic” = Hope you’re the height of an Oompa Loompa
• “Spacious” = You’ll lose your kids (but is that a bad thing?)

Online Dating

• “Curvy” = a lot of things! Maybe overweight, maybe obese, maybe busty, maybe just… I dunno, CURVY?
• “6’0″ (on a guy) = 5’11″
• “Athletic” = anything ranging from bodybuilder to “skinny, but not scrawny”

Wishful Thinking

Real Estate

• “Charming” = Really old
• “Needs a little TLC” = Needs a new roof, new HVAC, new floors, new plumbing…
• “A steal at this price” = …just as long as you’re cool with the giant hole in the floor.

Online Dating

• “Youthful” = Really old
• “Laid-back” = I dunno, what do you wanna do? Meh.
• “Drama-free” = I’m hoping this time around, I won’t be a drama magnet

Location, Location, Location

Real Estate

• “By a charming creek” = In a high risk flood zone
• “Convenient to everything” = On the loudest, busiest street in town
• “Country living” = Hope you work at home, cuz you’re far from civilization

Online Dating

• “Looking to have fun” = I’m located in the Sex > Relationship zone.
• “Looking to meet someone special” = I’m located in the Relationship (and hopefully sex) zone.
• “Looking for my soulmate” = I’m located in the slightly-obsessed about finding a relationship zone.

Got Some More?

Share in the comments below!

When hiring me to do a dating profile critique or a profile makeover, clients have the same complaint: they’re not getting enough (or any!) emails. They’re not sure what’s wrong, but their inboxes are empty and they’re wondering if they’re just putting their subscription money down the toilet. I’m their hope to get things right, or they’re giving up on this online dating business.

I’m happy to say that many of them email me back weeks later to say their new profile is working world’s better than the old one did.

One of the reasons why people get few emails is because there is something in their profile that is causing premature rejection. (It’s a bit like premature ejaculation, except way less naked. That’s why it’s so sad.)

When You Assume, You Make An Ass Out of You and Me

A client came to me recently to have his profile completely re-written. It wasn’t working for him and he wanted a fresh start. He showed me his old profile where it specifically mentioned (in at least two places) his love of firearms.

There is no problem with a firearms hobby. I know plenty of good, sane, wonderful people who have a love of guns and the shooting range. Some like historical firearms, some love improving marksman skills, others are hunters. These are all fine and good.

However, someone reading your profile may immediately associate guns with the one person they knew who owned a gun, who was bat shit insane. Or they may associate firearms with crazy militia groups hellbent on overthrowing the government.

You, the perfectly normal gun enthusiast who just likes going to the shooting range a few times a month have now been lumped in with anti-government nutbags.

…and you just lost yourself a date.

Sad, But True

While you want to showcase your passions in your profile, think about what you look like from the outside.

Will that hobby or interest translate well to a complete stranger?

Can you wait to discuss your guns on a second date once you’ve established you’re not a crazy?

Do you have to admit in your profile that you love books about serial killers?

The Curse of Knowledge (save ends)

Sometimes it’s hard to write a good profile about yourself since you know yourself so well. You assume that other people will just “get” the things that you are without having to tell the back story of how you got there. There’s an entire chapter in my upcoming ebook about how to roll your save if you’re interested in learning more about defeating the curse.

But for now… take a good look at your profile and see if there are any things that could cause premature rejection. (And no, being a geek isn’t one of them!) And until next time, happy dating, geek friends!

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