I’m a straight girl with a fairly successful profile, so I get a lot of responses and many of them are from nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me. I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

I know the dating world is hard, so I don’t want to be harsh when I tell them to move on, but I also don’t have a ton of time to spend coming up with a nice (but firmly “no”) response for the guys who aren’t my type. When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Sometimes I almost think it’s nicer not to respond at all (except, the polite side of me doesn’t sit well with that). How do I write a nice “not interested” email back that is clear without being bitchy? Please help.

- Polite Girl Burning Out

e answers:

Dear PGBO,

Thank you.

Thank you for writing this, because I think it’s a message that needs to be heard. I’m going to answer your question, but first, I’d like to address these “nice guys.”

Guys, especially guys who consider themselves “nice guys,” strap on your listening ears. Turn off Pandora, shut down Tweetdeck, put your IMs on Away, and really read this Polite Girl’s email.

nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me

When a girl sends you a “No Thanks” email, she’s saying just that: Thank you for emailing, but you’re not my type. There are other men in her mailbox that are a closer match to her.

I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

She’s sending you this email because she cares enough about you as a human being to let you off the hook. She doesn’t want you spending days dreaming about her and then getting upset when you don’t get a reply email.

When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Oh, “Nice” Guys. Here is how you turn perfectly good, polite girls into bitches. No means no. No doesn’t mean “convince me otherwise.” It means no. It means the conversation is over.  Because PGBO has had “nice” guys try and try again to convince her to change her mind, she’s had to adjust her tone.

The bottom line, “nice” guys:

Just because you’re a nice guy

doesn’t mean that every girl you like

should give you a chance.

And now, to PGBO, the geek girl who wrote the original letter:

(Thank you for being patient while I talked to those guys!)

Stick with your original, polite Thanks But No Thanks letter. You’re doing the right thing by caring enough to let these guys off the hook. For every one “nice” guy who will write you back to question your decision, there are nine truly nice guys who are thankful that you gave them a timely answer. Keep doing what you’re doing for those guys.

If you get a “nice” guy who wants to change your mind, simply delete his email. Move on with your day. And smile, because he’s just proved your decision was a good one. He’s not the guy for you.

Good luck with your online dating adventure – I hope one of the guys you write back turns out to be Mr. Right!

It’s a delicate balancing act. You want to have fun, and you want to be as engaged as a player as you wish your own players would be. But you don’t want to grand-stand. You want to try and avoid completely stealing the spotlight. You want to help the GM, but you want to avoid being perceived as trying to run the game yourself. In this article, I’ll give some advice based on my own experiences when I close the GM’s Guide and open the Player’s Handbook.

Volunteer to Help

I’ve just finished running a Star Wars campaign, so I know the rules pretty darned well. Rather than have a lot of the other players bother Steve, I’ve told him it’s fine to have them direct questions to me. That way, Steve can keep the smooth flow going on, and I can be helpful looking up rules, giving my own interpretations of the rules when Steve asks, and so on.

There’s a fine line for this, as you need to be just as impartial with rulings as you would be in your own game. It’s too easy to Rules Lawyer your way into advantages for your character or your party, especially if the GM has a lot of respect for your opinions. When I help in this way, I try to be as factual as possible…to lay out the rules and let Steve make a ruling based on his own interpretations and to only offer the way I would rule it if he asks. It can be hard, especially if I disagree with something, but it’s all about being fair.

You can help in other ways, too. You can move figures as directed by the GM, keep track of initiative, keep track of damage done in combat, and so on. In my D&D game, I have an achievements system that we use to add a little levity to the game. Steve has made a similar system for his Star Wars game. Since I know it’s a lot of work to run the game and try to keep track of this at the same time, I volunteered to keep track of achievements for Steve. Anything that can help your GM run the game more smoothly is likely to be appreciated.

Take Your Turn, But Don’t Hog the Spotlight

When I’m playing, I want my character to be cool. I want to do things in combat that seem awesome, make people laugh, or generally add to the story of the game. At the same time, I don’t want to dominate the game and have it become a story about my character that also happens to have the other player characters in it. This is the balancing act in all games, but it can be even more difficult if you’re usually the GM. You may have really creative ideas about where things could go, and you certainly have as much right to a good time as the next player, but you need to be even more of a cooperative player, because you’re often the GM for the group.

As an example, my character in Steve’s game is a pilot, which means that he’s a fair hand at flying pretty much anything, including podracers. We have another player in the game who’s a podracer, and he and I have occasionally bantered about whether being able to fly a podracer is cool or not (my character doesn’t think so.) Our current story revolves around a podrace, and I expected that character to jump on an opportunity to get into the race. Only after he said he wasn’t planning on joining the race did I let my character brag to the other that, even though he’d never flown one, he was sure he could, because flying a podracer was no big deal. This led to my character getting involved in the qualifying race, which might mean that the other player and I could end up competing down the road if he does get involved. But I wanted the other player to have a chance to get involved first, since podracing was specific to his character background.

Lead By Example

This can be the most slippery slope, since you want to encourage the other players in their actions but not to dominate the game. The GM might have an idea of how he wants the game to go, and you can help by playing in the style he’s mentioned, thus giving the other players some idea of what the GM wants. This can be especially helpful if you’ve got newer players in the group.

In our group, one of the players has never played Star Wars before, although he’s relatively familiar with D&D 4E, which is very similar. We’ve talked before about using the environment in a fight, but he hasn’t really seen that kind of gaming in action.

Now, I live for that kind of game. I know I have powers, maneuvers, and other combat options, but I also look for environment features to take advantage of. Are there buildings to climb on and jump from rooftop to rooftop? Is there a flaming bearskin I can kick in the ogre’s face? Can I swing on a line of advertising banners, land on a big animal, and kick its flanks to make it trample opponents? That’s the kind of battlefield I like to provide to my players, and the kind I like to find myself in. If there’s something I can take cover behind, climb on, or drop on the monsters, then I’m a happy camper.

So during combat, if I’m a player, I try to be very cinematic and descriptive. I know Steve loves to build interesting environments, and he wants players to take advantage of them. So when combat ensued this evening, I tried to lead by example and use those terrain features to make combat more than just a series of “To hit” and damage calls. I did indeed use a banner of ads to swing down onto the back of a big riding beast, which I then used to trample enemies. And it helped. People began to take advantage of cover and one other player jumped on the back of a riding animal and used it to attack others.

How Do You Do It?

Have you ever made the switch from GM to player? How do you handle the change? Do you have any rules you set for yourself, in order to try and keep things going evenly? Let me know.

Dear Anon-O-Box,

So, here’s the thing… I just signed up for a major dating site and I’ve already gotten a few messages, however the brunt of the messages are “hey gorgeous” and “you’re pretty, I’m looking for a friend with benefits.” Yikes!

I know you recommend that online daters take time to respond to every message they receive, but I’d rather not give these guys any attention. It’s obvious they haven’t read my profile and are just looking for a booty call. What do you recommend doing in this situation?

By the way, I did receive one well thought-out message from a guy who definitely looked into part of my profile and responded to a comment I made. I messaged back this morning… nothing may come of it, but it definitely made my day to have a guy start a conversation with something other than “hey baby.”

Thanks for your insight!

Signed,

Not a Baby (straight female)

e answers:

Dear Not a Baby,

Baby has always been my least-favorite pet name, too. Yuck.

Let me start by saying that I hope the good guy pans out. Ultimately, what you choose to do with the other guys is your decision.

However, I believe that the best way to teach people how to treat us is to speak up when they’re not treating us with respect. Ignoring these “hey baby” emails just reinforces the behavior, ESPECIALLY when one lady replies and takes him up on his offer. Be the one who tells him nicely that you are not his baby and not interested.

Keep a text file with a cut-and-paste response for these guys. Probably a couple based on how offensive his email was.

Some Examples of an Email Swipe File

His Email:

“Hey, just saw your profile and you are totally hot. If you want to hang out, email me sometime.”

Your Cut-and-Paste Reply:

“Thank you for taking the time to email me. However, your email does not mention any specifics about me or my profile, which leads me to believe you’re only interested in my photos and possibly sent this email to dozens of other women. I could be wrong, though, so feel free to try again if your interest in me is deeper than picture-deep. Good luck in your dating adventure.”

His Email:

“Hey baby, UR so hot. I’m looking for a no-strings relationship, so if UR interested in [censored] all night long, Im UR man. Write back.”

Your Cut-and-Paste Reply:

“Thank you for taking the time to email me. However, I find your email to be offensive. My profile states that I am not interested in a no-strings relationship, so the fact that you emailed me anyway displays a lack of respect. I hope you show more discretion in the future and only email women who state they are interested in a casual relationship.”

The Next Step

Your dating site should give you an option to block members. Give the person a day or two to actually see and read your email, then block them. You’ve given them a polite reminder of how to treat a woman and hopefully (HOPEFULLY) given them pause when they consider sending similar emails in the future.

Happy dating, geek friends.

(Not that kind of fantasy.  Seriously.)

(No, not the kind of fantasy with elves and dragons either.)

Let’s imagine what online dating would be like if writing a “Thanks, but no thanks” email were a requirement, rather than an option.

But first, let’s examine the current system and why it can really suck.

Reality:  No Thanks is Optional, Ignoring Frequent

On the majority of online dating websites, you owe a person absolutely nothing if they send you an email.  You don’t have to write back.  (It’s nice to write back, but not required.)  You can totally ignore them, hit the delete key, and be on with your life.

With some paid dating services that allow non-subscribers to post profiles, the person won’t even know that you received the email.  (That is, unless they pay the extra few dollars a month to get the Email Read feature.)

Reality: Some Sites Are Nudging Members To Do The Right Thing

Here’s where I give props to OkCupid.  Yeah, I’ve had issues with them in the past, but after talking to their co-founder and watching how their site has grown and evolved, I’m changing my tune about this quasi-free site.

OkCupid publicizes whether or not you reply to first contact emails.  Right under your profile on the search results page there is a line that tells everyone how polite you are:

Green: replies often

Orange: replies selectively

Red: replies very selectively

Now, before emailing someone, you can pretty much know what your chances are of getting a reply.  Perhaps it’s not wise to waste lots of time writing red people?

Reality:  Matchmaking Type Sites Require Closing Matches

On some of the matchmaking style sites, you have to “close” matches that you aren’t interested in.  Usually when closing, you need to select a reason.  Whether that reason is BS or not depends on you.

Fantasy: What If You HAD To Reply?

We’re adults here, but let’s be honest, a lot of people act like children online.  But let’s just entertain for a moment that all online dating sites required you to reply to every email.

You could select from stock responses or craft your own, but there wouldn’t be an “Other” or similar cop-out answer.  If you got to 5 emails with no replies, your account would be frozen and your profile hidden until you took care of your inbox properly.

How might this change the face of online dating as we know it?

Positive

• Fewer people would sign up “just for fun” (or at least, their profiles wouldn’t last very long).
• Everyone would get closure for every email they send.
• The 2:00 a.m. fit of desperation in which you send the same cut-n-paste email to everything with your preferred genitalia in the tri-state region just in hopes of getting one reply would be a thing of the past.
• You could wait to hear back from one set of emails before mailing out the next, removing the anxiety about having too many potential dates (seriously, it happens!).
• There could be an option to forward the email to customer service rather than replying if the email was spam and/or pornographic in nature, thus speeding up the process of getting the bad guys removed.
• As a dater, you would have constant feedback about your profile and pictures.  You can learn a lot from rejection and change your profile, pictures, or email style to achieve better results.

Negative

• Fewer people would sign up for online dating, citing fear of having to reject other people.  (Even though the current system of never knowing can be pretty cruel.)
• You would have to take the time to reply to everyone.  (But seriously, if it’s as easy as pulling down a drop-down menu and selecting a canned response?)
• As a dater, you would have constant feedback.  Some people can’t take constant feedback.  Some people would rather hear nothing than be told “I’m sorry, you’re too young/fat/Republican/edumacated/blond/geeky for me.“

What do you think?

Is the online dating system okay as-is or would you like to see more sites requiring responses to emails or publicizing response rates on profiles?

Update: Check out this response by Moxie, another dating blogger.

Soon after the word got out that my spouse wanted a divorce, I started getting asked out. While I’m flattered (and need to be flattered) right now, the divorce isn’t final yet and I don’t know what’s appropriate. It’s understood that I’m not looking for a new relationship yet, and while I think going out to be social would be fun and do me some good, I don’t want people to get the wrong impression. Is there a road map for any of this?

- Stung and Separated

Dear Stung,

It’s funny, isn’t it?  You have a “problem” a lot of guys would love to have – you’re being asked out by a bunch of ladies! – but on the other hand, you’re in a situation that makes that “problem” a little awkward.

This situation is not unique – lots of men find that they’re approached immediately upon news of their separation or divorce.   The only way I can think to explain it is this:  these are often ladies you’ve been friends with while being married who carried a little torch for you, but never acted on it since you were attached.  Now that you’re free, they’re jumping in to be the first to claim you before you’re snatched up again.

There’s nothing wrong with going out with these women as long as you make your intentions clear from the start.  If you don’t want a relationship right now, be sure you communicate that in no uncertain terms.

As for the rest of the world?  Life is too short to care about what the old ladies are gossiping about.   If it makes you happy, do it!

If being part of the rumor mill would be harmful to you (due to your job or social standing the community), then it might be best to be social through more accepted means like attending or organizing a board game night or engaging in other mixed-gender group activities like bowling or movie outings.

Enjoy your new freedom and happy dating, geek friend!

“Why do they even HAVE a dating profile if they’re not going to write back?”

There’s no one answer to this question, but here are a few that I know are true.

The Nice Answers

She Doesn’t Have A Paying Account

If you’re on a site which requires a paid membership to read emails, there’s a good chance that she hasn’t even seen that you emailed her.  There’s a little alert that tells her she has email, but unless she ponies up the cash, it will remain a mystery.

She’s Afraid to Write Back

You may be the perfect guy for her.  She might just be terrified at the idea of meeting someone from the internet.   She could be reading your email daily, staring at your profile pictures, sighing, and saying to herself, “No, no… I couldn’t.  What if he’s an axe murderer?”

The Not-So-Nice Answers

She’s Not Interested

She’s read your email.  She’s just not interested and is either too lazy or too scared to write you a courtesy Thanks, But No Thanks email.

She Made The Profile For Laughs

I watch the Twitterverse on a variety of online dating topics.  There are tons of tweets from girls who say they’re making an online dating profile for laughs, just to see how many guys email them.  Some of these girls even have boyfriends!   Sad, but true.

Moral of the Story?

First contact emails should be short and sweet for a few reasons.  One of the major ones is that you don’t want to waste a ton of time crafting a giant long email to someone who may not write you back.

If you don’t get a reply, don’t fret.  She’s not the one for you.

Happy dating, geek friends!

You’ve read her profile!

You’ve mentioned stuff about her profile in the email!

You didn’t cut and paste!

You came up with a pretty cool question that she should be dying to answer.

But yet, nothing.

In fact, she hasn’t even OPENED the email.

What’s gone wrong?

My Kingdom for a Subject!

In the Cubeville of Big Business, proper email etiquette requires a detailed subject line.  In email marketing, if your subject line doesn’t make thousands of people click to open your email, you’re out of a job.

Why do people think the rules don’t apply for online dating emails?

Check out this example of what the typical inbox looks like for a lady with an online dating profile on match.com:

Yawn.  Boring.  How many variations of “hello” can one girl stand to see?  Adding her name doesn’t make it any more clickable.

Now, put yourself in Laura’s shoes.   You’ve got ten minutes on match.com before your boss walks by and catches you (again).   Which of these are you going to read?

Oh look!  There are two interesting emails!  One person picked up on her love of Wii Fit and the other one is congratulating her on her recently procured diploma.

CLICK!

Stand Out!

Many of my clients ask me what they should write for a subject line.  Should you be witty?  Ask a question?  Put a quote from a movie she likes?

The secret:  Any of those work.

As long as your subject line isn’t a variation on a standard greeting or “My name is John”, you will already be head and shoulders above the rest of the fish in the sea.

Happy Dating, Geek Friends.

This is the thought that you want furthest from the mind of the women you email, right?

Too bad your email makes her think that very thought.

What?  Really, e?

Really, Geek Friends.  Really.

Thundering Toward the Castle

Let me give you an example of a first contact email that someone shared with me (some details changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

Hi (insert girl name here),

I notice that you have seen Ben Folds live every time he’s been within 3 hours of town.  I like his stuff, but haven’t seen him live – it must be worth it if you have done it so many times.  What’s your favorite song by him?

I am sure you hear this a lot but you are absolutely beautiful! I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you.

If you have a chance to take a look at my profile in your spare time, perhaps something might catch your eye and if so, I’d welcome the opportunity to take this a little further.  A movie, drinks, or a dinner? Your choice, my treat.  What do you say?

- (insert your name here)

This email started out GREAT – he mentioned details about her profile and tied them to his own interests.  But then he launched into two big no-no’s:

• He mentioned her physical appearance.
• He got wimpy and begged her to pleeeeease look at his profile.
• He skipped over several steps in the online dating process and went straight to asking her out on a date!

How This Looks From Her Standpoint

1. “Oh look, this guy emailed me.”
2. “His default pic is pretty cute, I wonder what he’s gonna say.”
3. “Oh cool! He likes Ben Folds too.”
4. “Ugh, seriously? This is turning into every other email from every other pervvy guy who thinks I’m hot and wants into my pants.”
5. “The only thing that’s catching my eye is he’s probably some perv who only emailed me because I’m pretty and like Ben Folds.”
   
6. “WHAT?  A date?  Um, I don’t even KNOW this guy and he wants to take me out already?”
7. “Um, uh… I don’t even know how to reply to that.  I think I’ll just delete it.”

It’s All About Comfort Zone

Assume that the average girl doing online dating isn’t 100% comfortable with meeting people in real life that she’s only experienced in pixels.

Now imagine forcing the idea of not only meeting her ASAP, but meeting her in the context of hopefully eventually having a love/sex relationship.

Yeah.  It feel just like the person taking the picture of the jousting knight.  It’s big and scary, it has a mask on, and it’s COMING RIGHT FOR YOU!!!

Keeping your romantic interests comfortable will help you make that date happen – when the time is right.   In a first contact email, the only thing you should propose is that she answers one more question you have about her.

In fact, our mystery bachelor above could have cut out everything below the first question mark and had a great first contact email.

Short. Sweet. NOT Scary.

You can do this, Geek Friends.  I have faith in you and your mighty steed.  Take things at a steady trot and you’ll get to the castle with the maiden by your side.

You’ve found this great girl on your favorite dating site.  She’s beautiful, she’s funny, she’s got similar interests.

You talk for hours on IMs and then on the phone.  Things are looking pretty good.

You set up a date.  As you’re walking towards the coffeehouse you see her.   Or well, you think it’s her…

We’ve All Done It

Unless you’re a model or are friends with a shutterbug, you probably don’t have a whole lot of recent pictures.

And besides, that picture of you from 2000 was so awesome.  The perfect angle, the perfect smile, the perfect outfit.  You looked dashing!

Ironically enough, men are usually the ones that post up old pictures, particularly of the times when they had more hair.

Women post up old pictures of our thinner days.  (I’m guilty there – but not to extremes!)

The Horrible, Horrible Scene

You meet up with this girl and she’s 50 pounds heavier than her picture.  Maybe she got a case of chicken pox and her face is now mottled with scars. She’s recently dyed her hair the same hot pink that your ex used to use?  Oh yeah, she didn’t mention that either.

Or maybe she’s aged in a less than graceful way.  It happens.

No matter what the scenario, you’re now on a date with someone that you’re not attracted to anymore.

What Do You Do?

The schools of thought here are many, ranging from total ass up to perfect gentleman.  You’ll find people who will advocate running away, those who say you should tell her straight up that she needs to stop the false advertising, and those who will advise posting a website about how fake she is so other guys will know to avoid her at all costs.

But we’re geeks here.  We’re nicer than all that.

My advice is to stick it out and complete the date as promised.  Once you’re in the safety of your own home, then you can make your next move.

Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – disappear into thin air.  That is unbelievably rude and disrespectful to her as a human being.

Send her an email and let her know that while you had a fun time on your date, you just don’t think you feel a spark that would indicate you’d get on as more than friends.

This lets her down gently AND opens the door for you to have a new female friend.  After all, you did get along fine over IMs and phone.

I’m going to say something there that makes me feel a bit like one of those skeevy pick-up artist bloggers, but it’s true and worth mentioning:   Girls have girl friends.  Sometimes these friends are hot. The more girls you are friends with, the more your social circle opens to more women.

Being friendly pays off, geek friends.  Turn lemons into lemonade whenever you can.

So what do you do when you want love in your life but can’t risk the wrong people getting the wrong idea?

As a former high school teacher, I have been there.  Here’s what I can tell you about privacy, and lack thereof, when it comes to online dating.

Real Life Concerns

If your job puts you in the spotlight in your community, you may be wary about putting out a website advertising your need for a partner.

When I was a teacher, I was always waiting for the day when a student would come in and say, “Hey Ms. F, I saw your match.com profile last night!”

You know what?  It never happened.

I also never bumped into a former student while shopping in the adult superstore (though I did learn a former student is now an adult film star, but that’s another story).

Recently in my hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, several teachers were disciplined for material they had posted to Facebook.  The infamous “morality clause” of the teaching contract was called into play and there was a general uproar on the internet about first amendment rights, privacy, and the expectation of teachers to be role models for America’s children.

It’s Up To YOU To Prevent Forest Fires!

My first thought?

“Why on EARTH did they have their profile visible
to the whole Charlotte network?“

Privacy is your responsibility, folks.

If it’s something you worry about, there are steps you can take to ensure that your dating profile is (mostly) only seen by potential partners, not business associates, clients, or students.

Options to Keep Your Profile Private

Don’t Date Online

That’s the easiest one.   Date the old fashioned way, or hire a private matchmaking service.

Don’t Post Your Photo

Go the incognito, secret agent man way.  They can’t prove it’s you without a picture – can they?

There’s a fine line between being private and obscuring important facts about yourself.   It can be walked – very, very carefully – and you can be successful.    Sadly, few inexperienced writers can make it across that tightrope.

Use A More Private Online Dating Service

Services like eHarmony and Chemistry only show you matches that are appropriate for you.  This eliminates the chances of being randomly discovered by a bored high school sophomore on a Saturday night.  It does not eliminate the chances of being discovered by a coworker or client who fits the same demographic you are seeking to date.

Wherever You Keep Your Dating Profile…

Unless you are using a dating website for consenting adults, keep your dating profile grandma-friendly.   You can discuss all that other stuff once you’ve gotten to know your potential partner better.

Another thing to remember – depending on where you call home in the online dating world, your dating profile may have a cozy home on a server somewhere long after you’ve stopped using it.

Tread carefully – on the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, but you leave pawprints wherever you walk.