You probably have resolutions about your health (maybe even joining #fit4gencon!), your career, your habits, or even your hobbies.

But do you have a resolution about your dating life?

Wouldn’t it be great to be able to ring in 2011 with someone special or at least look back on 2010 and be able to say you had an active and fun romantic life and met some great people?

For my personal resolutions this year, I’m going with Chris Brogan’s Three Words method.  Here’s how you do it (snipped from the post, in case you’re too busy to head there right now):

Determine 3 guiding words for my efforts in 2010.

List 1-3 paths to accomplishing those goals (aka strategies).

List distractions that might possibly scuttle my efforts.

List the steps for each path (these are the projects that map to the goals).

List what the “finish line” looks like.

List what comes next, should I actually accomplish something major along those paths.

Using this method, here are two words you can (and should!) steal and apply to your love life in 2010. Go ahead, shamelessly copy and paste these into your own 2010 Resolutions document!

Goal Word: Dedication

Path 1 to dedication: Log into my dating site at least 3 days per week.

Path 2 to dedication: Write at least 5 first contact emails per week.

Path 3 to dedication: Attend at least one social event per month.

Distractions: Making excuses, getting “too busy” to do it, letting other things take priority when they shouldn’t

Steps to the path: Bookmark dating site and schedule time to log in and write emails, keep notes in Notepad in case I don’t have time to write an email right away on someone I find interesting, join meetup.com and find groups with events I can attend

The finish line: 20+ first contact emails sent per month, chatting with new people, meeting new people, having fun on dates and activities, meeting someone special

What’s next: Hopefully being in a relationship and canceling my dating site membership!

Goal: Open-Minded

Path 1 to open-minded: Expand my “about my date” requirements.

Path 2 to open-minded: Don’t write people off for little things.

Path 3 to open-minded: Don’t see first dates as a be-all, end-all. It’s just a meeting between two people. Nothing more, nothing less.

Distractions: Being stubborn, refusing to change, getting stuck in “I like what I like” mode, not giving people a chance because of little things

Steps to the path: Before rejecting someone, being honest with myself about exactly why I’m rejecting them. Ask myself hard questions – “Would I be angry if someone rejected me for this same reason?” “Is there a chance that their pictures don’t do them justice?” “If I hadn’t seen a picture of this person, would I be interested in them, even just as a friend?”

Have friends pick out matches for me based on people they think would be compatible with me. Email these people, even if I’m not 100% sure I’m interested. (Trust your friends, especially your oldest bestest friends!)

Stretch out my “about my date” qualifications on my profile so more people feel welcome to email me.

Go on at least one date a month with someone who I’m not really sure about.

See first dates as meetings rather than romantic rendezvous. There’s nothing wrong with coming out of a first date with a new friend or a greater understanding about myself and my taste in a partner.

The finish line: receiving more emails, chatting with new people, meeting new people, having fun on dates, meeting someone special

What’s next: Hopefully being in a relationship and canceling my dating site membership!

What About You?

Got another goal word that you’d like to apply to your love life in 2010?

How do you suggest someone approach an interest they consider virtually a requirement in a long-term partner, but which are not really appropriate to include in an online dating profile? An example that comes to mind is a strong interest in BDSM.

- Kinky Is The Whole Chicken

Dear Kinky Chicken,

For starters, good for you for knowing what you want from life and love!  You would not believe the amount of people who keep their inner desires pent up, marry someone they’re incompatible with, and then end up totally miserable.  You, sir, are to be commended for your honesty.

So, about that profile…

You have a few options here.  The first option is to put your online dating profile on a site that caters to people of similar interests.   Then you can be as open and direct as you want about the type of person you want to date and nobody will bat an eyelash.

The second is to go to a “traditional” online dating site that caters to the more adventurous crowd.  OkCupid seems to have a more than healthy dose of alternative relationships, including folks interested in BDSM, trinogamy, polyamory, the whole lot.

The third way is the harder way, but if you are hellbent on using a big dating service, it’s the only way to go.   Since even vanilla folks shouldn’t mention sex in their online dating profile, you really can’t either.  What you can do is search for people who show the hallmarks of having an open mind to such things.

I’ll be the first to say this doesn’t work 100% – I’ve been shocked myself when people I thought I knew well admitted to doing interesting things behind closed doors.   However, you can usually weed out the people you know wouldn’t be interested.

If you are looking for people who could be persuaded to join your lifestyle, then I’d recommend going on a few dates with someone and feeling them out to see if they’d be an appropriate match for you.

If you want someone who is experienced (or at least very interested) in the lifestyle, then you have to be open to being rejected and insulted by people who won’t “get it” if you’re using a traditional dating site.

Because of this, I’d recommend not sharing pictures right away if you’re using a traditional dating site to find BDSM partners.   (Besides, if you’re the D, it’s your right to only share what you want!)  Once you share about your interest to someone via email, you can never be entirely sure how they’re going to react.  The last thing you want is your match.com photos plastered all over town with the headline “SEX OFFENDER!”  (Because really, there are people who are that stupid.)

Sadly, there’s no straight answer for this question.  If there are folks from the BDSM community reading this who can give us some real-life examples of how they handle online dating, we’d be happy to hear from you in the comments!

I had a mental breakdown and subsequently stopped dating while in recovery. I have a nice car, a decent apartment, a stable career, but few dates. What can I do to address the “dating gap” on my profile?

- Back On My Feet

Dear Feet,

Congratulations on your recovery!  I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten the help you needed to get well again.   (Other readers out there who are struggling with mental illness – seriously, get help!  You don’t have to live life like that!)

So what do you do about this gap in your dating history?

Don’t address it in your profile.  Seriously.  For starters, your dating profile doesn’t need to list everything about you.  Think of it like the trailer for a movie – you want to feature the best parts so people want to come see the whole show.

Is this lying?  No.

Let’s imagine.  You write your dating profile and feature all the cool things about you.   Someone writes you, you write back, everything is going all cool.   You go out on a date and really have great chemistry.  Then they ask, “So when was your last relationship?“

Cue screeching tires?  Nah.  You’ve got the chemistry built up already, so you can be a little more forthcoming.

“I haven’t dated in a bit.  I was really focused on improving my own life for a while so I’d be ready when the right person came around.“

Then ask your date something that gets them talking about their own life.  Down the road, if things are going really well, then you might share about your illness and how you overcame it, but it’s really irrelevant to a relationship that’s just starting.

Best of luck and happy dating, Geek Friend.

In today’s post, why that’s a horrible, horrible idea.  For the sequel, how scoping out the competition can help you!

So you’ve done it… you’ve taken whatever steps necessary to keep the other dudes from noticing you’re scoping them out (on match.com, that involves hiding your profile temporarily).

You find your profile, you click on “more like him“… and you get a listing of guys who are freakin’ Chippendales.  (And straight to boot!)

Shoot!  No wonder you’re getting zero emails… compared to these guys, you look more like this…

How can you compete with those studs?  Your suckitude knows no bounds.  You’re boring, you’re ugly, you smell vaguely of nerd whiff.  No woman would ever think about looking at you, nevermind wanting to date you, and the idea of having sex with one?  Yeah, better get that out of your head.  There’s no way you’d compete with Chip and Dale there.

So you figure, “Maybe they’re all looks but no substance!  They can’t be as smart and well-rounded as me!“

Click.

• Chip is the CFO of a small but influential local business.  He enjoys golf, ballroom dancing, and grilling his own steaks.  His dream?  To find a woman who loves Dancing With The Stars and a good t-bone.
• Dale is an artist, but not the starving type.  His recent collection of paintings has taken the local art world by storm and he’s already sold one to Donald Trump.  Oh, and he’s dying to get married and have at least 3 kids.

Well, shit.   Now what?  You might as well give up on dating.  Actually, you might as well give up on just about everything because the beautiful, successful sexy people rule the world and you are not one of them.

You’re either laughing because the past few paragraphs read exactly like your train of thought regarding dating or you got pissed that I would say such horrible things.

(If it’s the latter, please remove your tighty-whities from up your crack.  I don’t really think those things about you!)

This, my friends, is exactly why you shouldn’t scope out your “competition” on your online dating site.

Is this you?

• You’re already pretty upset about not getting many dates.
• You have a tendency to compare yourself to others (and you usually draw the conclusion that they’re better than you).
• You can throw a pretty mean pity party for one.

Yes, it’s you? Don’t scope out your competition.  I don’t want you to hurt yourself and trust me, you probably will if you check out the “more like him” list.

Boost your dating self-esteem:

• By chatting with friends or a dating coach (J and I are available for chat!).
• With a new dating profile that shows you in the best light possible!  We really know how to make geeks shine (and it has nothing to do if you have Chippendale physique or a six-figure job).

No? You may benefit from scoping them out.  Stay tuned for the next post to see why it could help you.

Want to Share?

Did you scope out your competition and regret it?

Which you belongs in your online dating profile?  The 2008 you or the 2009 you?

Know What Makes You… You!

There are things about you that are constants and haven’t changed with the coming of the new year.  These are your priorities for your profile.    For example, I love going out to eat with friends, snuggling on the couch with my cats watching NCIS reruns, and scouring the internet for whatever topic is piquing my interest at the moment.

If you need help with this list, ask your friends and family.  Too embarrassed to grill them?  I won’t judge your comic book collection or your obsession with Trinity from The Matrix.

Leave Out The Negative

Just like writing a cover letter or resume, leave out any negative references.  Are you “in shape – ROUND is a shape!“?  Don’t mention your battle with the bulge and how you really wish more women liked teddy bear shaped guys.

Just lost your job?  Bummed about the economy?  Leave it out.   Focus on what makes your life great and interesting and attractive to other people.

Identify Your Goals And Write About Them

If you have a New Year’s goal that you’re working towards achieving, by all means, write about it.  Women love a man with a plan, even if that plan is as simple as taking your dog for longer walks this year.

Don’t Call A Spoon A Shovel

Talk about your goals, but don’t make it out like you ARE something you’re not (yet).   Maybe your resolution is to hit the gym three days a week.    You’re going to be… what is the male equivalent of a gym bunny?  (Apparently, gym bunny!)

Either way, there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between stating your goal and calling a spoon a shovel.

Goal: “My plans for the new year involve using my gym membership – I’ve blocked out an hour after work each day and have even bought some new sneakers!”

Spoon/Shovel:  “I go to the gym after work every day and enjoy staying physically fit.”

While the second statement may eventually be true, it’s not true right now.

Stick with honesty as your best policy for the new year.  Know who you are and work on who you want to be.  Be honest about both and you’ll have success in your hunt for the perfect geek girl.

Happy dating, geek friends.

Some people won’t post a photo on their dating profile because they fear being discovered by family, friends, coworkers, clients, or students.

How much information do you need to put out there in your profile?

How much should you divulge over emails or IMs with a potential match?

How much do you talk about on a first date?

In Your Profile

• Basics on you – age, height, body type, marital status, job type, hobbies, personality
• Basics on your match – what kind of person is she on the INSIDE?
• DON’T – use a username that you use elsewhere.

In your profile, you want to entice someone to write you (or write you back!).  This is not the place to tell your life story or write your laundry list of favorite bands.    Keep it short, sweet, and simple.  Leave her begging to know more.

For your privacy, choose a new username.  You would not believe the amount of information I can gather on someone after ten minutes on Google.   Unless you want your potential geek girl reading your post on the abrasive nature of chainmail that you wrote on a LARPing forum when you were 16, I’d suggest a new username.

Over Emails and IMs

• Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate.
• Keep your personal details personal.

Emails and IMs are the place where I was able to weed out the people I wasn’t really interested in meeting.  Maybe he had a decent profile and some good pictures, but if the spark didn’t continue in the emails and IMs that followed, that’s where I would cut it off.

This is a great time to ask questions about the things she wrote about in her profile and talk to her about the finer details of your mp3 collection.   However, it is NOT the time to reveal your last name, your employer, or any other details that would make you an easy target for a stalker.

“But e,” you’re thinking, “Stalker?  You’ve got to be kidding me!”

I wish I was!  It won’t happen in but 2% of the people you’ll find on the internet, but they are out there and you will thank me when you can cut the relationship off by 1) blocking them from match.com and 2) blocking them from IMs.  When a crazy girl is showing up at the receptionist desk at work, it’s a little harder to sweep under the rug.

On a First Date

Here is where your discretion comes into play.  She’s made it out of the emails and into the first date territory, so she must be acceptable.  Use your gut – if she seems trustworthy, open up.   If you have doubts, steer the conversation in other directions and discuss events, not people.

Privacy vs. Honesty?

We all remember that honesty is important.  What do you do when someone asks for information that you’re not ready to divulge?  Be honest.  “I’d rather wait until we talked a bit longer before sharing that.  Tell me more about that awesome movie you saw…“  It can be tough to say, but as long as you’re not holding back on your last name after a month of dating, then she should understand and respect you enough to wait.

Happy dating, geek friends.

Does anyone really know why anyone would need more than one fork?  My close friends and former roommates know that I am not a fan of doing the dishes, so the idea of multiple forks at the dinner table is just ludicrous when one fork will do.

For some folks, the world of online dating is just as full of mysteries.

How much is too much to reveal in a profile?  Is it “okay” to lie a little?  If someone doesn’t write you back, is it okay to write them again?  When’s the right time to propose a first date?  When’s the right time to propose?  (Eek! Ok, I probably won’t tackle that one!)  There are just so many questions that I know are out their burning in your minds, keeping you up at night.  This series will provide some answers.

Have a Truthful Profile

An upfront, honest profile is the best thing you can have as a person on the online dating market.   Sure, lots of other people lie.  But not you!  You are honest about your age, height, body type, marital status, and whether or not you have or want children.  Your username reflects something about your lifestyle or personality.  You toot your own horn without going overboard.

Seems like a tall order, doesn’t it?

It’s hard enough to write about yourself without having to meet all of those criteria!

But do you know what?  If you invest in your profile, you are investing in your love life.   You will get out of it what you put into it.  Being upfront and truthful from the start means that you won’t be wasting your time or the time of the lovely ladies of your city.

Let’s face it, everybody who has gone on a handful of dates that spawned online has had at least one experience that turned out horribly.  Maybe she used a picture of what she HOPES she’ll look like after she loses those fifty pounds she put on during college.   Or she forgot to mention that she’s really not technically divorced until her husband signs the papers.  Worse yet, maybe she claims to be a Star Wars fanatic but in reality can’t tell a Wookie from an Ewok.  (Blasphemy!)

You’d be pretty peeved if it happened to you – so don’t do it to the ladies!

These are all problems that can be avoided with a truthful profile.  Put it all out there.  Yes, you may have fewer dates for admitting you’re really 5’5″ or that you are balder than you were in ’97, but the dates you will get will be quality ones because everything is already on the table.

Be honest in introductory profiles

• “Women lie about weight“Yes, yes we do. I did. I’m a curvy girl, but I didn’t put “curvy” on my profile. Why?”About Average” is a nebulous description, that’s why! I didn’t want to be excluded from searches because a guy didn’t think he wanted a curvy girl. (Once you go curvy, you never go back to scrawny girls!)

  Also, I had a full body picture posted. If a guy clicked my profile and didn’t like the pictures, he could move on. Nobody is hurt.

• “and men [lie] about age“Men in their 20s and 30s tend to be honest. It’s the older gentlemen that tend to list the “year I stepped off the fashion train” age versus the “distance in years since my escape from the womb” age.They do this for the same reason that I fudge my weight description – they don’t want to be eliminated from women’s searches based on their age. Unfortunately guys, once things get serious and she finds out you’ve lied, all bets are off as to whether she’ll trust you about anything (or even keep you around).
• Men also tend to lie about height.Guys, let me level with you here. Unlike weight, which is hard to hide in full body pictures, height is hard to discern.You meet a girl who thinks you are 5’10″ when you are closer to 5’7″ or 5’8″. She keeps glancing in reflective surfaces when you stand next to each other. You buy her dinner. Then she never calls you back. You’re out thirty or so bucks. Is lying about height worth it?

  There is one acceptable fudge – if you’re 5’11″ you are allowed to claim 6’0″. Some of us (myself included) like ‘em tall, and honestly, 5’11″ is practically 6’0″. I’ll let it slide.

• Some folks will fudge their educational data (but they are the same folks who will do it on their resume as well!).
• “Want Kids” is another one that can be deceiving, but only if you’re in the childfree crowd (like myself). Some people will put “someday” when they really mean “probably not.” This is something to sort out pre-first date.
  
  
• “No Answer” – as I mentioned before, make note of the “No Answers” and get some answers after you’ve opened a friendly line of communication.

Honesty is the best policy, geek friends. There are some places where you can fudge a tiny bit and there are places where you can leave “no answer”s, but you want to start out these fledgling friendships on the right foot. As the old saying goes, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Happy dating!