This campaign represents my first original foray into a 4E game as the Dungeon Master. I’ve played in two 4E games, and I’ve done a lot of DMing of pre-written modules, but I’ve only written one very short scenario for the purposes of playing with my nephew.

As I was pondering what angle I wanted to take in this article, it struck me that first sessions of D&D campaigns are a bit like first dates, an observation only possible by a geek, I imagine. I thought I would share what I’ve found successful in both areas over the years, especially since I’m known for my long term commitments…my last D&D game lasted 9 years and came to a satisfying conclusion, and my relationship with my husband is 14 years and going strong, so I must be doing something right!

Take It Easy at First

This has been refuted by a number of experts in the RPG field recently, but I find that I like a beginning to my story that has a smallness to it. If the first chunk of The Lord of the Rings launched into fights with Black Riders and perilous chases, that would set a specific tone of urgency right away. Instead, it begins with a party and a small farewell between friends. Some RPG wisdom now states that you should leap into something big right away to hook your players and get the action started, and for some kind of stories, that works well. In my current campaign, however, I want the characters to feel a strong attachment to the town of Seowyn’s Crossing, so I want to start there and build a love of this community within the players. That way, when it’s threatened later on, as the Shire is in Lord of the Rings, the players will really care.

For my current campaign, I’m starting small, literally, with the players playing their characters as children and telling the story of how they first met. This will give me a chance to establish the community of Seowyn’s Crossing – its people, its concerns, its rural nature. This also gives the players a nice starting point to look back on…a firm foundation for their characters. If I begin with a demon gate and monsters pouring out of it, it might be memorable, but how do I go up from there? Any time there are demons, the players will say, “More demons…well, we’ve been fighting them since day one, so no biggie.”

In dating, it’s good to start small as well. If your first date were dinner at a nice restaurant, then that’s a nice solid foundation and a nice memory to look back on. If your first date were a trip to an exotic country, to use an extreme example, it’d be memorable, but how could you go up from there? And what if you don’t hit it off? Then you’re stuck with this person you don’t like until you get home, and what might be nice memories are going to stay tainted with this negative experience.

I also think that a big flashy beginning, whether in a game or a date, is a sign that you’re probably trying too hard. Have confidence, whether in your story or yourself, that a small beginning will be enough to get someone interested and to want to know more…to see how things grow from there.

Not Too Much Exposition

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, worse than listening to your Dungeon Master drone on about the fascinating background of the world they’ve created. Your campaign world may be intricately detailed, fully mapped, and full of fascinating legends, but your players don’t need to know every detail right from the start.

Before I even had players, I created a wiki on the site ObsidianPortal.com, and, as I asked people to join the game, I directed them to it. If my players want to know world details, they can find them there. Otherwise, I speak to each player individually, tell them a few tidbits they’d know that they can later relate to the other players in game (or not), and mostly leave the exposition to occur naturally over the course of the game.

Tonight, as we start, I’ll be playing a PowerPoint presentation I made that gives the history of the area in a compact form. This same intro is the front page of the ObsidianPortal.com page, and it’s important background, but it’s still just a quick little capsule. I’ll also use the device of a storyteller to feed in some mythic bits about the game, but that’ll come much later in the evening, and only if the players seem interested.

In dating, it’s important to get to know each other, and finding out a little something about each other on the first date only makes sense. If you’re not into the other person and who they are, why subject yourself to a second date? But try not to tell your life story in one go, and try to make whatever you are talking about relevant. Don’t trot out your amusing anecdote about the terrible service you had at a different restaurant when your date is talking about their hobbies. And make sure that what you are telling is appropriate. Save the charming yet embarrassing stories for a date or two down the line.

Offer Choices, But Have Some in Mind Yourself

With this campaign, I’m experimenting with a game style that I’m referring to as “Sandbox with Benefits.” I’m going to offer lots of choices to my players, and I’m going to try and make it seem that the campaign’s story falls fully on them. I am, however, a storyteller at heart, so I’m going to cheat a little. I have an overarching story in mind, and I intend to seed elements of it into the adventures they choose to pursue.

For example, if I want the players to seek the legendary Sword of Awesome, I will make sure they get info about its whereabouts, no matter what they choose to do. If they choose to take a job as caravan guards, then the bandits they defeat will have a note from a mysterious wizard telling them to seek the Sword of Awesome in the Mountains of Tallness. If they choose instead to explore the Crypt of the Lizard King, ancient murals on the wall will show a warrior wielding the Sword of Awesome and reveal that his crypt is in the Mountains of Tallness. The players can still choose to ignore the Sword of Awesome, but at least I’ve made them aware of it, and they may return to that adventure at a later time, in which case I’ll bump up the nastiness of the monsters and traps.

It’s a good idea to offer choices on where to go for a first date, but it’s also good to have specific choices to offer and to have one you prefer if your date defers to you. If you’re going out to eat, and you can offer to go out for pizza, to go get Chinese, or to go get some ribs, then your date has some fun choices on where to go. If they say, “Where would you like to go?” it’s best not to have to reply with “I dunno. Where do you wanna go?” That gets very old, very fast.

Leave ‘Em Wanting More

By the end of my first session, I intend to foreshadow some cool adventures that the PCs will have when they’re grown-up. I intend to offer them some tantalizing mysteries that they’re not yet quite able to fathom. I intend to show them there’s a wide world beyond their doorsteps, and I hope to get the first inklings about what kinds of adventures they want, so I can make choices available that will be interesting to them.

By the end of your first date, you’ll have done well if you’re already talking about what to do on a second date. Hopefully you have more date ideas and more anecdotes to share. You might also have a better idea of what your date enjoys, so you can customize to that when offering choices for a second date destination.

What About You?

Have you had particularly good experiences on a first date? Do you have a pearl of advice to share? Share it! Comment and help your fellow geeks find their own special person to have a second date…and many dates thereafter.

Fair or not, everyone judges on first impressions, and unlike real life where you can hang around and be stalkerish (not recommended but commonly practiced anyway), you don’t get a second chance if that cursor goes to the “delete” button instead of the “reply” one.

So what are you including in your message that’s freaking your potential future lover out? Here’s a look at five common deal-breakers you should avoid.

1. Improper spelling and grammar

This is a common piece of advice that can’t be overstated. Think about how you feel when you get an email that’s riddled with spelling errors, typos, and grammatical problems. Even if you aren’t an editor and you don’t notice the more subtle problems, the fact that you’re noticing them tells you that he or she isn’t interested enough in you to care about how they’re coming across.

If you’re contacting someone and you know you have spelling and grammar issues, simply copy and paste the email into Microsoft Word or some other program with a spell-check function and go through the recommendations one by one. Spell-check isn’t perfect, but for those who don’t naturally understand semicolons and ellipses, it can be a lifesaver.

2. Saying nothing worth responding to

When someone sends you a message saying ‘Hi’ and not much more, what are you going to say back? Sure, you know they probably didn’t want to waste time on a long email before knowing if you’d respond, but even so, it can be a little disconcerting. Making lots of pointless statements like, “Are you busy right now?” or even, “How’s the weather there?” doesn’t make people think or get you stuck in their mind.

To avoid this trap, make sure you ask questions and comment on the other person’s profile, while also sharing something about yourself. You don’t want to be seen as stalking or devote the email all to them, but you want to try to make a few subtle connections, ask questions to express interest, and get them to ask questions in return.

3. Using the wrong tone

Plenty of people go wrong here, because it’s hard to know how else to message someone. You may be thinking you make that hot girl or beautiful guy feel great when you add several compliments into your initial message, but you end up coming across as insincere or even sleazy. Another tone people frequently take is the “me” tone, which can be just as much a killer of future messaging as the overly-flattering tone.

If you choose to compliment someone, try to compliment them on their personality over their appearance. Remark on something they said they’ve done, congratulate them on their recent graduation, or otherwise compliment them on something that they worked hard to get, make, be, or do. To avoid taking on the “me” tone, limit it to a few “I” statements and focus more on inquiring about their life.

4. Making it impersonal

If it’s so short or impersonal it could be sent to ten others at once, you’re doing it wrong. A simple, “Liked your profile, what’s up?” can be copied and pasted a dozen times in just a few minutes to anyone you deem to be attractive, and those people will assume that’s why they’ve been messaged.

Instead, include some detail or question, however simple, that indicates you have actually read through and thought about their profile. Questioning them on why they’re interested in a hobby or how it works, for instance, can be valuable reply material.

5. Lying or sneaking around

Any kind of activity you “shouldn’t be doing” will be sussed out sooner or later. It can be surprising how well people discover white lies, and how fast.

Indicate on your profile that you’re looking for a discreet relationship if that’s what you seek, or stay away from the word “discreet” completely to avoid being seen as a sneak. Even if your lie isn’t that big, just something smaller like pretending to like something they do, it’s probably better to take an interested outsider’s approach and ask questions about their hobby. Then they get the chance to share their passions with someone else, which is always fun!

Now that you know what topics and words to avoid, have fun writing a creative and interesting email to your maybe-date and see where it takes you! At the very least, you might increase your reply rate, and that’s no small matter when you’re talking about the numbers game of online dating.

What About You?

Are you guilty of committing any of these “first contact” dealbreakers?

Have you received many emails like this yourself? If so, how did you respond, and do you agree that they’re dealbreakers?

While chatting with a new client who was lamenting his lack of dates, he told me that he emailed about one woman per day and “winked at many more.”

*facepalm*

He clarified later and said that while he did wink at lots of women, he usually went back and emailed them later. How much later? Oh, a few days, maybe a week. Whenever he got time to write out an email.

Cue a second facepalm.

You may be thinking, “What is he doing wrong? I mean, he’s emailing these girls, so what’s the harm in sending the wink first?”

Remember, the wink is the lazy man’s method of contacting women. Unless you are an Adonis making $150k+ a year,  you aren’t going to get replies from winks.  A wink tells a woman that you’d like her to do the work of emailing you first, or at least, you’d like her to wink back before you “waste time” emailing her.  She’s also wondering how many women you’ve winked at – is it every blonde in the ZIP code or just her?

But here’s what this guy was doing by winking first and coming back to email later – he was telling women that they were on his back burner.

Picture a lovely lady sitting by her computer. She loads up Match.com and sees that she has a wink from you.  Click. She’ll check out your profile, read a bit about you, look at your pictures.  If you’re the man of her dreams and she’s confident enough, she’ll wink or write back. If you’re definitely NOT the man for her, she’ll delete you, send a No Thanks, or (at worst) block you.

But what if she’s either not confident enough to send you anything back or she’s a little interested, but doesn’t know what to write or has emails in her inbox? Oh, yep, that’s right. You’ll get nothing back from that wink.

A few days later, you go through your sent winks and think, “Hmmm, I’ll write her an email today.”  You write a nice email to her, which she reads.

“Wow,” she thinks. “What a nice email. He must really be interested in me.  But why didn’t he write me right away? Was he just too busy? Was he waiting for me to write him first? Was he communicating with or dating other women and just winking at some others so he’d have a backup list in case it didn’t work out?”

As women, we want to feel special. We want to feel secure and without worry about your motivations or intentions. We don’t want to have questions or gaps, because we’ll fill them in (sometimes with crazy untruths, amount of crazy depending on the girl).

Be the guy who lays it all out on the table right away.  Write her a thoughtful, personalized email first, and then wink right after you hit send.

Happy dating, geek friends.

My goal is to make YOU, my boys, better than the herd. If your profile stands out for its quality, you’ll get the girl! If it stands out for its hilarity, you’ll be alone with your dice and Dew.

I’m taking some text and pics from a poor, unknowing soul named Jonathan. If he actually manages to find me here talking about him, I will re-write his profile for free.

Step One: Never post a picture that makes you look like you’re part of the Village People.

Let’s look at what Jonathan has to say about himself:

I’m looking for a woman whose heart is as open as her mind is. Must share the following: a passion for music, the ability to find extraordinary in the ordinary, and a faith in that which binds all things. Also must have a devotion to family with a desire to eventually create one of her own. I am incredibly drawn to intelligent minds that remain fascinated and curious, a sense of style established through creativity, and an adventurous disposition within a responsible person. I’d like for things to start out simple and grow from there; I’m not expecting to know if you are “the one” right away.

This, my geek friends, is what we call OVERLOAD. There’s some great information here, but you’d be hard pressed to find a geek girl who, after a long day at work, is patient enough to wade through it all. Even if she does, she’ll be too exhausted trying to make sense of it to reply.

As for me, I’m a creative yet driven, introspective yet friendly, intelligent yet spiritual, confident yet empathic, deep yet playful, cultured yet geeky, refined yet accessible, experienced yet curious, 28 year old boy who finds joy in the simplest things.

Sometimes, you can beat a good sentence structure. Sometimes, you can kill a good thing. Sometimes, you can piss people off. Sometimes, you can kiss the girl goodbye. Sometimes, you can assume she’s left your profile for greener pastures.

I sometimes get very silly and act like I am 5 years old. I enjoy the comfort of the familiar yet I’m open to new experiences. I love adventures. I’ll eat almost anything. I’m always up for shows (be it indie rock, symphony, theater, or opera). I love the outdoors and I scuba/hike/camp whenever given the opportunity (I’m actually planning my 3rd trip to Hawaii where I intend to scuba dive, hike, and camp the entire trip). Dancing and drinks downtown are also a great pastime of mine. I enjoy house parties, dinner parties, cocktail parties, and board game parties. All that said, I love lazy nights at home listening to music, watching movies, or working on creative projects.

I am extremely passionate about all things I take an interest in, which is nearly everything. I love: music, art, culture, technology, cars, fashion, food, coffee, wine, beer, nature, learning, video games, and the unknown. I explore new things whenever they are presented to me and I tend to add a new interest/hobby a couple times a year.

These paragraphs just REEK of keyword baiting. Guys, I know you want to find a girl and I know you want to be sure that if she searches for even ONE of your many interests, that she’ll see your profile.

However, paragraphs like these are not only boring to read, but they scream, “I’m desperate – do you like even ONE of these things? I’ll take you!”

Oh yeah, and I can sometimes be quite verbose.

No… you don’t say? No wait, you DID say, and you wasted more word count on it. Double whammy.

In conclusion…

Verbosity is not your friend in an online dating profile. You can show off your intelligence without alienating your audience. Not sure how to do that? I’ll be glad to help you!