Take Care of Yourself

Whether that’s losing weight, gaining weight, taking a spin class, taking a vacation, buying a nice bottle of wine, indulging in a thirty-six-hour Skyrim marathon, getting a facial, or finally trimming the old toenails, remember this year to take care of yourself first. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself. This could be trying to improve your physical side, like losing or gaining weight, or trying to tone up or build your stamina. It could also just be taking more time to do the activities that make you feel good or indulge your creative side, especially if your day-to-day life doesn’t usually afford you that opportunity. Trying to look or feel good for potential dates is great, but people respond better to someone who is happy and content with their own life.

But really, if you’re going to do the Skyrim thing? Grab a shower afterwards before you head out to rendezvous with your lady or gentleman love.

Update Your Profile

For the online geek, a profile or blog is often the first point of contact that most potential dates have for you. Try and keep this current, and rewrite it every now and then to keep things fresh. This site especially is a goldmine of tips and tricks for writing a good online dating profile, but this advice doesn’t just extend to dating sites. Potential hook-ups are everywhere, from Facebook to Butch-Femme.com to Twitter to Tumblr. A well-written profile with your current likes, dislikes, and interests is your best bet to open conversation with potential matches.

Try New Things

Tired of beating around the same old bush? Find a new bush! Make it your goal in 2012 to try something or someone different. Try a new forum, a new chatroom. A new bar, a new social group. Take a new class at the local community centre to expand both your horizons and your social circle. Never made pottery before? Go ahead and try that! You could discover a whole new passion and, with it, a new bunch of people to meet and, potentially, date. Exposure to new things can help you grow as a more rounded person and one that, in turn, makes you more interesting to potential dates. Or, in the process of trying new things, you can discover what is really important to you in life and in a relationship.

2012 is a year for boldness. The doomsday prophecies are endless, but the message stays the same: 2012 is going see some big changes. The end of the old and the beginning of the new. So happy new year, and best of luck!

What are your dating resolutions for the new year? Did you make any last year, and how did they turn out? Share them below!

Except that she’s a nineteen-year-old college student and he’s thirty-five.

This is not a cautionary tale, or a moral fable! I’m very happy for her, since she deserves a great guy that she clicks so easily with. My point here is that age is not only the great destroyer, it’s a lot harder to judge in online communication than you might think. Of course, this is what tech-unsavvy mothers across the world are most afraid of, creepy middle-aged men pretending to be sixteen-year-old girls in chatrooms, which is certainly a very large and serious concern. But I’m not talking about deliberately misrepresenting one’s age to be older or younger. I’m talking about the disconnect between seeing a number on a page full of vital details, and the reality of thirteen years more life.

Does age really matter?

Popular, historical, and scientific opinion are all divided on the matter. Research has shown that the average age gap between straight married partners is one to three years; historically, men marry younger women, sometimes with a gap of fifteen or twenty years between them. All the better to reproduce with you for, my dear. But what does age mean today?

I’m going to say “very little”. One of the reasons that I am a proponent of online dating is that in most cases relationships – and here I use the term loosely, meaning more a social contact between two people – are built on conversation and not primarily on physical attraction. It isn’t age so much as social and sexual compatibility that really matters in building a romantic relationship, and a roughly equivalent level of maturity in both partners.

But D!, you say, Where’s the gay? Aren’t you all about the buttsex and lesbianism and so forth? Well, I’m getting there. There are no studies on average age differences in same-sex relationships (yet), but I’m willing to put money down that the averages are considerably greater than those of our straight counterparts. In some parts of the  gay community, a five or ten year age difference is not only accepted, it is practically required. And, of course, I am speaking in sweeping generalities, but someone in a same-sex relationship is already used to breaking the rules of conventional romance; they are far less likely to care about another one.

Relationships like the one between my friend and Hot For Teacher require a level of communication and work that would ring true with anyone who has ever tried to maintain a same-sex relationship, especially when surrounded by a predominantly straight community. Relationships take work, and any relationship which will be frowned upon by the “moral” majority takes even more. It takes a willingness to fight for the right to reasonable enjoyment of each other. My friend and her Hot For Teacher are going to catch almost as much flak for walking down the sidewalk holding hands as I do for walking down the sidewalk holding my wife’s.

You get to meet your partner’s family and friends. You get to be introduced around at office parties. Age difference, gender difference, social status difference, whatever difference that might make society matrons whisper behind their teacups because in my head we all live in a Jane Austen novel, you are no-one’s dirty secret! If you act like a dirty secret, you become a dirty secret. And dirty secrets only belong under the bed next to your special edition Edward Cullen dildo and self-warming lube.

We hope you had a scrumtrulescent Thanksgiving!

Ready to find that special geeky someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve? We can help make that happen.

From now until the end of Cyber Monday (11:59 pm Eastern on 11/28/11), you can save up to $50 with code ONYX2011.

Choose Your Weapon, Adventurer!

“Just a scroll, please! I think I’ve got this dating thing mostly figured out.”

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You Geek, They Grok: A Geek’s Guide to Leveling Up Your Dating Game is the ultimate guide to getting you off your couch and out on some dates, in the hopes that you find someone who you can take home and plunk on your couch to be your Player 2.

Click to read more about our ebook here. (Save 50% with code ONYX2011.)

“An hour or two with a wise woman could help me out.”

Save $25 off the Silver Package, which includes:

• One hour consultation with a dating coach
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Save $50 off the Gold Package, which includes:

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• Photo selection help
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Check out the Gold Package here. ($50 off with code ONYX2011.)

Yes, You Can!

• Yes, you can order now and put off getting your profile done until after the holidays. Let us know via email after you purchase so we can make a note to contact you in 2012.
• Yes, you can purchase a package for a friend. Give us your friend’s email and we’ll send them a happy note letting them know about their gift!
• Yes, you can get both a package AND the ebook. The coupon code should discount both in your cart.

Have Questions?

I’ll be around most of the weekend, so leave a comment here, send me a tweet (@geeksdreamgirl), or send me an email.

Over the coming months I’ll bring up a few issues that I’ve seen crop up in real life, whether on dates or while helping clients.  Let me be clear: this isn’t about geek-bashing, but I might get blunt.  Also, I’m only one girl, so this isn’t even necessarily the opinion of the entire staff of GDG.  With that said, let’s move on to this week’s topic: weapons.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

Call me a wimp, a tree-hugger, whatever you like, but when I first meet a guy (or read his profile, for that matter) the last thing I want to hear about is his extensive collection of guns.  Or knives, explosives, alien weapons, swords, or even brass knuckles.

Logically, I get the appeal of collecting weapons.  They can be shiny, complicated, historically accurate; they might make pew-pew noises.  They can make even the smallest girl feel strong and powerful.  A collection speaks to time, effort and money spent.  I can admire the dedication behind such a collection, once I know you’re not planning on using them on me.

Because here’s the thing: when guys go on enthusiastically about their collection of pointy and shooty things, it can feel threatening.  It can feel aggressive.  Maybe girls are socially trained to be more wary about putting themselves in vulnerable situations, but if I’m sitting across from a guy who’s already bigger and stronger than I am and he starts talking about his “blades” with a gleam in his eye, I’m going to be paying attention to the location of the nearest exits.

Speaking of exit strategy: I think, somewhere in a dark corner of our brain, many girls analyze a break-up situation.  What if I choose to decline a second date?  Would he take it gracefully?  Would he move on without a second thought?  Would he break out his “blades”…?

I also think that in this case, quantity makes a difference.  I saw a profile of a guy who has a replica of a sword from World of Warcraft – and when I read that, being a World of Warcraft fan, I thought it was pretty neat.  It’s when I hear that a guy has converted his basement into a replica medieval torture dungeon that I get a little nervous.

Now, don’t get me wrong: the right person will love you no matter what you collect, be it replicas of video game swords or model trains.  This is intended as a heads-up.  Most guys probably don’t think of their love of weapons as intimidating or scary, just as they might not realize that their sheer size might make them intimidating to some women.  Well, consider yourself warned: the image of yourself and a roomful of guns might not bring about warm fuzzies in the heart of your potential match.

Alternatively, if your collection is such a part of you that omitting it would be omitting half of you, make this common interest a priority in your search.  There are certainly women out there who would get as much of a kick out of your Wall o’ Daggers as you do, but be aware that it might take some searching.  You might even want to do some field work on the ground instead of on the Internet, by going to shows, stores or conventions.  Who knows who you might find?

It’s an unfair fact of life that guys have to worry about just looking intimidating or scary, and women rarely do.  The good news is, if you’re aware of it, you’re already ahead of the game.  So now you know:  keep the armament chat to a minimum until you’re more comfortable with each other.

XKCD’s comic (above, click for the original) gives the following formula for determining the youngest person you should date:

Your age divided by 2, then add 7.

I am 32. According to this formula, I should not be dating anyone younger than 23.

A Baseline, But Not A Hard Number

For me, that number is still too low. I grew up a lot in my mid-20s and barely recognize the girl I was at 23. I can’t imagine dating a guy who still has those years left to explore who he is.

But you may be different.

You may be a 32 year old man who would have no problems dating a 23 year old lady. You understand that she’s going to be growing and changing and you’re fine with being her older, more established rock. That’s cool.

On The Younger End of the Spectrum

The issues I’ve found when helping out singles (especially guys), is that men tend to throw the net really far in one direction. Younger.  I find more and more guys in their late 30s and early 40s who list their age range for a potential ladyfriend as 18 – 2 years their senior.

And I ask you this question:

Would you really want a relationship with someone who is just out of high school?

I’m not talking about sex here. If your profile is bait for bootycalls, this isn’t your article. But if you’re looking for someone to date, get into a serious relationship with, and perhaps someday marry and procreate with… do you really think that person is 18?

Yes, there are outliers. I know some folks who are 18 going on 40. But they are just that, outliers.

Older Isn’t Always What You Think

Most women’s profiles I’ve noticed tend to throw the net the opposite way. Women’s profiles generally list a bracket from a few years younger up to 10 years older.  (This does not stop us from getting email from men old enough to be our fathers, sadly.)

Guys, I want you to take a page from the ladies’ playbook.

Here’s why: Every woman is different.

I am 32 and get mistaken for being in my mid-20s constantly. When I was in my mid-20s I got mistaken for a high schooler. Depending on a woman’s heritage, body type, skin type, sun-exposure habits, smoking habits, etc, a woman who is 40 could appear to be anywhere from 25 – 55.  A woman who is a sun worshiper is going to look much older than a woman who uses her sunscreen and avoids the beach at noon. A woman who is a little on the chubby side is going to look younger than a woman who is lean & well-toned.

You say that you don’t want a woman who is several years older than you. But truth is, you just don’t want a woman who LOOKS several years older than you. When you were a freshman in high school, would you have turned down dating a cute college girl? Heck no.  It only makes sense that you leave yourself open at 35 to meet the perfect woman who just happens to be 41.

Don’t Knock It Until You’ve Tried It

Give it a shot. Take a look at the age bracket in your profile and shift it over a bit. Get rid of a few of the younger years and add on a few of the older ones.

If you’re too chicken to do that, at least do a search on your dating site and look at some of the profiles that are out of your normal range.  You may be surprised to find some excellent matches.

Happy dating, geek friends.

One of the features of OkCupid that is both wonderful and troublesome is the Message lights system. When someone is logged in and looking at your profile, one of three traffic light colors will appear:

• Green: Replies often
• Yellow: Replies selectively
• Red: Replies very selectively

As far as I can find out, there is no specific documentation on OkCupid’s end explaining the math behind the lights. There’s much speculation on the OkCupid forum and in user’s journals about the system and whether it’s accurate and/or fair.

The Bottom Line

Ladies, if you have a red light, guys are going to assume you won’t reply to their email.  Many of them won’t even write the email because of this assumption.

So it’s pretty critical that you do everything in your power to keep your light green, or at least yellow.

A New Client

I had a new female client recently who signed up for OkCupid as her first attempt at online dating. She put up one photo and a little blurb that said that she had just signed up and would be filling out her profile soon. Then she hired me.

In the few days her profile was up, she received some unsolicited emails from local guys wanting sexytime.

Yep. Her nearly empty profile with one, semi-obscured face picture was getting her emails. And she deleted them, since she thought, “I don’t want this.”

Makes sense, except her lack of replies turned her light yellow. And if she had continued in that manner, it would have turned red before she even got her new profile up and running.

Does A Red Light Hurt Me?

I generally advise my male clients to email the women with green and yellow lights first and to only email a red light if it seems she’s an extremely good match. Even then, most of the red light women live up to the red light and don’t reply.

I have heard of men who hide the profiles of women with red lights. I don’t advise doing this (since the system *is* a little buggy). But ladies, just letting you know – there are sweet, wonderful, geeky guys who assume your red light means that you’re a meanie who doesn’t reply to anybody. It’s in your best interest to keep your light green.

How to Keep It Green

There’s no sure-fire way to do this (since there are anecdotal reports that the light system is buggy), but here’s what I recommend to keep your light green.

1. Reply to everything. Yes, even the douchebags who just want to stick it in the nearest warm hole.  You don’t owe them a real reply. Just type: “No thanks.” Click send. Then find the link (at the bottom of his email) that lets you block him. You’ve kept your light green AND you’ve prevented him from contacting you again. Done and done.
2. Don’t delete emails from your mailbox until it gets full. There is some evidence that even if you reply, deleting the message futzes with your “score.” So keep ‘em in there. Purge once a month or whenever your box starts to reach capacity.

I’m curious to see some data about the messaging system. If anyone stumbles upon some, let me know!

Happy dating, geek friends.

The unfortunate thing about most people is that they don’t bother to check out what the profiles of other people like them say. Let’s make a trip to match.com and look at some men’s profiles. No guys, this won’t make you gay. In fact, if you hide your profile and then search, nobody will know but you.

I’m looking for things that guys write again and again in their profiles. Things that make girls (especially geek girls) roll their eyes and move on to another guy.

For purposes of this article, I have done a Reverse Search on match.com. This type of search allows me to see the profiles of men who are interested in girls like me – late20s/early30s, educated, professional women.

Enter Captain Obvious

• “I’m down-to-earth and laid back”

If I had a nickel for every profile with a variation on that sentence, I would be a rich geek girl. This is a case of “show, don’t tell.” If you are down-to-earth, describe a situation in which you were the calm in the center of a storm. If you are laid back, describe the stress of your job and how it just rolls off you like a duck in a rain shower.

• “I’m kind of tired of the bar scene”

Yes, and we’re tired of hearing you say it. What will you NEVER tire of, ever? Could you watch your DVDs of Firefly until they spontaneously combust in your DVD player? Do you love your nightly walk around the lake? These kinds of details are what will excite us and make us want to contact you. If you’re tired of it, why do we need to know?

• “Looking to meet a good looking woman with a great personality to have a great time.”

…as opposed to looking for a woman who fell out of the Ugly Tree, has anger management problems, and will beat the life out of you? Again, Captain Obvious strikes. If you want better results than him, you need to be more specific.

• “Enjoy traveling and spending time with family and good friends.”

Where do you travel? Why do you like it there? What do you do with your family? Any cool family traditions or legendary tales of escapades with your friends?

• “I want to find someone who can enjoy themselves doing pretty much anything and is a kind good person.”

Vague, vague, vague. Here’s a good place where you can be specific. “I want a girl who can make waiting in line for a rollercoaster more entertaining than the ride. She’s the girl who plays the claw machine just so she can give the toy she wins to the nearest kid.” These are anecdotes that don’t pinpoint a specific PERSON, but help define the character traits you value.

Go From Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome

The move from Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome is all in the details. I’ve given you some examples above. Go through your profile and pinpoint the things in it that scream “Durrr.” Then ask yourself, “What’s a concrete example of this?” or “What’s a story about my life I can tell that shows this quality?” Delete the old stuff and write in the newer, more concrete, more awesomely YOU stuff. Then watch the emails roll in.

Happy dating, geek friends.

This post was originally published on 14 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

Here are the basics:

Geek Speed Dating

Find love at Gen Con? Sure can! Go on several mini-dates with single geeks like yourself and maybe you’ll leave Indy with a love connection!

Almost all the guy tickets are sold already, but we could definitely use more ladies!  Not surprised the guy tickets sold out first… but I know we’ll have some single ladies who will step up before August. Last year we ended up with more women than men and had to take guys off our waiting list!

Ladies: Worried about creeps? Don’t be. We take this event very seriously and will remove any guy who is making our lovely ladies uncomfortable.

• Speed Dating (ages 21-35) WOMEN Seeking Men (Friday 9-11pm)
• Speed Dating (ages 30+) WOMEN Seeking Men (Friday (6-8pm)

How Speed Dating Works

Before the Event

Please arrive a few minutes earlier than the start time. You will arrive and fill out a short form, which will include your first name, gender, location, and email address. You’ll don a spiffy sticker with a number on it and each lady will take a seat at her designated table.  Since we’re at The House, you can even grab a drink at the bar if you’d like to take the edge off any pre-date jitters.

During The Event

After a brief review of the rules, the dating begins! The guys will rotate from table to table, having 3-5 minutes to chat with each lady.

• Worried you won’t know what to say? Come up with a crazy question that you can ask every person you meet.
• Worried that you’ll have to “date” someone unappealing? It’s 3-5 minutes and that’s it! (You’ve probably had more unpleasant encounters on public transportation.)
• Worried about your personal info getting out? Only what you share with your “dates” gets out. You are in control at all times. Once you’re signed in, you can even stash your GenCon badge in your pocket or purse.

Once each “date” is over, pull out your list and check YES or NO next to that person’s number.

After The Event

Once the event is over, you will hand your list back to the organizers and go on your merry way. We will check the lists to see where the mutual YES votes happened. These are our potential love connections!

• If a mutual YES happens, we will email those two people and get them in touch with each other.
• If someone checks YES for you, but you check NO for them, no information is shared.
• If you check YES for someone, but they check NO for you, no information is shared.

The Right Attitude

Even though we call this speed dating, come into the event thinking of it like a mixer. You’ll get to meet 20 new people of the opposite sex.  You won’t be attracted to all of them, but all of them won’t be attracted to you.  Speed dating is a fun way to practice your getting-to-know-you skills, your small talk skills, and hey, it’s great practice for job interviews if you’re in the market for that!

But the best part is that you could be surprised when you find that ONE person who makes your heart flutter the moment they say hello…

Join us, won’t you? Click now to get your ticket, ladies!

• Speed Dating (ages 21-35) WOMEN Seeking Men (Friday 9-11pm)
• Speed Dating (ages 30+) WOMEN Seeking Men (Friday (6-8pm)

I’m a straight girl with a fairly successful profile, so I get a lot of responses and many of them are from nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me. I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

I know the dating world is hard, so I don’t want to be harsh when I tell them to move on, but I also don’t have a ton of time to spend coming up with a nice (but firmly “no”) response for the guys who aren’t my type. When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Sometimes I almost think it’s nicer not to respond at all (except, the polite side of me doesn’t sit well with that). How do I write a nice “not interested” email back that is clear without being bitchy? Please help.

- Polite Girl Burning Out

e answers:

Dear PGBO,

Thank you.

Thank you for writing this, because I think it’s a message that needs to be heard. I’m going to answer your question, but first, I’d like to address these “nice guys.”

Guys, especially guys who consider themselves “nice guys,” strap on your listening ears. Turn off Pandora, shut down Tweetdeck, put your IMs on Away, and really read this Polite Girl’s email.

nice guys that just aren’t as much my type as others who respond to me

When a girl sends you a “No Thanks” email, she’s saying just that: Thank you for emailing, but you’re not my type. There are other men in her mailbox that are a closer match to her.

I don’t want to lead them on, but I also don’t want to be mean when letting them know I’m not interested in them romantically and we don’t have enough in common really for me to want to spend time even building a friendship.

She’s sending you this email because she cares enough about you as a human being to let you off the hook. She doesn’t want you spending days dreaming about her and then getting upset when you don’t get a reply email.

When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve either erred on the side of being too nice and they read that as they have a chance to win me over, or I’ve been too firm, which they read as “bitch.”

Oh, “Nice” Guys. Here is how you turn perfectly good, polite girls into bitches. No means no. No doesn’t mean “convince me otherwise.” It means no. It means the conversation is over.  Because PGBO has had “nice” guys try and try again to convince her to change her mind, she’s had to adjust her tone.

The bottom line, “nice” guys:

Just because you’re a nice guy

doesn’t mean that every girl you like

should give you a chance.

And now, to PGBO, the geek girl who wrote the original letter:

(Thank you for being patient while I talked to those guys!)

Stick with your original, polite Thanks But No Thanks letter. You’re doing the right thing by caring enough to let these guys off the hook. For every one “nice” guy who will write you back to question your decision, there are nine truly nice guys who are thankful that you gave them a timely answer. Keep doing what you’re doing for those guys.

If you get a “nice” guy who wants to change your mind, simply delete his email. Move on with your day. And smile, because he’s just proved your decision was a good one. He’s not the guy for you.

Good luck with your online dating adventure – I hope one of the guys you write back turns out to be Mr. Right!

I’d like to introduce you to my new eBook,  called You Geek, They Grok: A Geek’s Guide to Leveling Up Your Online Dating Game. It’s the ultimate guide to successfully leveling up from online dating newbie to being in an awesome (and hopefully geeky!) relationship.

Click here to read all about it.

If you have any questions about the book, feel free to leave a comment below. I’ll be happy to answer them.