So what do you do when you want love in your life but can’t risk the wrong people getting the wrong idea?

As a former high school teacher, I have been there.  Here’s what I can tell you about privacy, and lack thereof, when it comes to online dating.

Real Life Concerns

If your job puts you in the spotlight in your community, you may be wary about putting out a website advertising your need for a partner.

When I was a teacher, I was always waiting for the day when a student would come in and say, “Hey Ms. F, I saw your match.com profile last night!”

You know what?  It never happened.

I also never bumped into a former student while shopping in the adult superstore (though I did learn a former student is now an adult film star, but that’s another story).

Recently in my hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, several teachers were disciplined for material they had posted to Facebook.  The infamous “morality clause” of the teaching contract was called into play and there was a general uproar on the internet about first amendment rights, privacy, and the expectation of teachers to be role models for America’s children.

It’s Up To YOU To Prevent Forest Fires!

My first thought?

“Why on EARTH did they have their profile visible
to the whole Charlotte network?“

Privacy is your responsibility, folks.

If it’s something you worry about, there are steps you can take to ensure that your dating profile is (mostly) only seen by potential partners, not business associates, clients, or students.

Options to Keep Your Profile Private

Don’t Date Online

That’s the easiest one.   Date the old fashioned way, or hire a private matchmaking service.

Don’t Post Your Photo

Go the incognito, secret agent man way.  They can’t prove it’s you without a picture – can they?

There’s a fine line between being private and obscuring important facts about yourself.   It can be walked – very, very carefully – and you can be successful.    Sadly, few inexperienced writers can make it across that tightrope.

Use A More Private Online Dating Service

Services like eHarmony and Chemistry only show you matches that are appropriate for you.  This eliminates the chances of being randomly discovered by a bored high school sophomore on a Saturday night.  It does not eliminate the chances of being discovered by a coworker or client who fits the same demographic you are seeking to date.

Wherever You Keep Your Dating Profile…

Unless you are using a dating website for consenting adults, keep your dating profile grandma-friendly.   You can discuss all that other stuff once you’ve gotten to know your potential partner better.

Another thing to remember – depending on where you call home in the online dating world, your dating profile may have a cozy home on a server somewhere long after you’ve stopped using it.

Tread carefully – on the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, but you leave pawprints wherever you walk.

Some people won’t post a photo on their dating profile because they fear being discovered by family, friends, coworkers, clients, or students.

How much information do you need to put out there in your profile?

How much should you divulge over emails or IMs with a potential match?

How much do you talk about on a first date?

In Your Profile

• Basics on you – age, height, body type, marital status, job type, hobbies, personality
• Basics on your match – what kind of person is she on the INSIDE?
• DON’T – use a username that you use elsewhere.

In your profile, you want to entice someone to write you (or write you back!).  This is not the place to tell your life story or write your laundry list of favorite bands.    Keep it short, sweet, and simple.  Leave her begging to know more.

For your privacy, choose a new username.  You would not believe the amount of information I can gather on someone after ten minutes on Google.   Unless you want your potential geek girl reading your post on the abrasive nature of chainmail that you wrote on a LARPing forum when you were 16, I’d suggest a new username.

Over Emails and IMs

• Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate.
• Keep your personal details personal.

Emails and IMs are the place where I was able to weed out the people I wasn’t really interested in meeting.  Maybe he had a decent profile and some good pictures, but if the spark didn’t continue in the emails and IMs that followed, that’s where I would cut it off.

This is a great time to ask questions about the things she wrote about in her profile and talk to her about the finer details of your mp3 collection.   However, it is NOT the time to reveal your last name, your employer, or any other details that would make you an easy target for a stalker.

“But e,” you’re thinking, “Stalker?  You’ve got to be kidding me!”

I wish I was!  It won’t happen in but 2% of the people you’ll find on the internet, but they are out there and you will thank me when you can cut the relationship off by 1) blocking them from match.com and 2) blocking them from IMs.  When a crazy girl is showing up at the receptionist desk at work, it’s a little harder to sweep under the rug.

On a First Date

Here is where your discretion comes into play.  She’s made it out of the emails and into the first date territory, so she must be acceptable.  Use your gut – if she seems trustworthy, open up.   If you have doubts, steer the conversation in other directions and discuss events, not people.

Privacy vs. Honesty?

We all remember that honesty is important.  What do you do when someone asks for information that you’re not ready to divulge?  Be honest.  “I’d rather wait until we talked a bit longer before sharing that.  Tell me more about that awesome movie you saw…“  It can be tough to say, but as long as you’re not holding back on your last name after a month of dating, then she should understand and respect you enough to wait.

Happy dating, geek friends.

Or you are shy.

Or unphotogenic.

Or you’re a spy for the government.

Or you’re an undercover cop.

Or you feel that online dating is a meat market and a “Real Woman” would choose a future mate based on his profile rather than his picture.

Either way, you don’t have one posted on your dating profile.

And what do you know? You’re getting little to no bites. No winks, no emails, no love. What’s a guy to do?

Surviving Online Dating without a Profile Picture

#1 Have a damn good profile.

It has to be twice as good as those guys with photos. I wish I could say this isn’t true, but it is.

#2 You are excused from writing a catchy headline.

Your catchy headline must be, “I have pictures, will email!” or something to that effect. This gives the girls a reason to read your damn good profile. Otherwise, they will just move on.

#3 DO NOT write excuses about why you don’t have a photo posted.

Nothing turns a girl off like a profile full of excuses. Ew. If your profile is a damn good profile, we will email you.

On the other hand…. boasting about how you’re an undercover police officer or a “very important member of the District Attorney’s office” only makes us think you have a big, big, big…. HEAD. Just be normal.

If you are in fact an undercover cop or a bigwig with the DA, you can tell us about it later. Stick to the same type of stuff you’d write if you DID have a picture. “I work in law enforcement and just last week gave a ticket to a 95 year old man who was driving 95 mph!” or “Working in law is fascinating because every day is a new challenge.”

#4 Write a short description of yourself in the body of your profile.

Let’s face it, we’re scared that you might look like Jabba the Hut, or be missing half your face, or something else tragically unattractive. (Sorry!)

A little blurb goes a long way: “I am tall and lean with blue eyes and hair that’s either red or blond depending on the light.”

#5 More than the average guy, you will have to make the first moves.

This goes the same for girls with no profile pictures (I went several months with none myself). You have to be the one who writes those initial emails. (Remember, winks are for wimps!) When you write the initial email, let her know that you have several pictures available and will show them to her if she is interested.

Having no profile picture certainly makes online dating a little harder, but definitely not impossible! Don’t forget, that “damn good profile” is only a geek girl away! I’m happy to help.

Also, those concerned with privacy should really check out Match.com’s Chemistry service. This service pairs you up with compatible matches and only they can check out your profile. Perfect for you Secret Agent Men!