Made ya click.

We’ve been talking lately about things that are the death of a geek guy’s dating profile. Things like being Captain Obvious or accidentally sending the message that you don’t want a girlfriend. But what if you swing the pendulum too far the other way? What if you get… cocky?

We delve into more men’s match.com profiles. Remember, these are quotes from the profiles of guys who are looking for a geek girl like me – a late 20s/early 30s, educated, professional woman.

Obnoxious Horn-Tooting

There is a fine line between touting your strengths and tooting your own horn so loud that we want to smack you into next Tuesday.

Tooting about self worth related to the type of women on match.com:

• “When it comes to women appearance is important…”

Are you so hot that you can dictate exactly what your girl should look like?

• “Okay, let me start this off with a little something to save us both time…if your profile says anything along the lines of “princess” or “excuisite” then go ahead and move on to the next profile.”

Now, I agree with that statement wholeheartedly. However, this is something you shouldn’t state directly in your profile. It’s just rude. The time to weed out the princesses is when (and if!) they email you.

• “Normal Guy looking to Meet a Nice Girl , can’t believe I am on here”

What does this say? “I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here. This is my last resort.” Wow, I feel so good about emailing you now.

Tooting about self directly:

• “I am a very athletic, intelligent and very handsome professional.”

“Athletic” – tell us what kind of athlete. I mean, they play Scrabble on ESPN these days.

“Intelligent” – We will be able to gauge intelligence by how you write, what you read, or the type of job you do.

“Very Handsome” – Gag me. If you have a picture (and this one did) do you NEED to tell me that you’re very handsome? Is that just in case I don’t notice?

• “To know me is to LOVE ME!”

ORLY? Let us decide that after we meet you. For now that makes you seem either cocky or desperate for attention.

• “ME: Tall, Dark & still Handsome! Good sense of HUMOR (Love to Laugh and make YOU laugh as well), Spiritually, easy-going, spontaneous, kind hearted, Romantic (not using this word lightly, but only the lucky one will find out MY definition of Romance (?what’s yours?), patient, a good dancer, a giver, honest & last but not least, spiritually contented.Charities.”

Not only is this so poorly written that it’s barely readable, it has a laundry list of adjectives. Oh, and a noun at the end that implies he donates to good causes.

• Headline: I have a very large….
• Body of profile: I have a very large heart! What a dirty mind you have!

Two no-nos there, one  being an extremely obvious innuendo and two, really? Let’s not bring any references to your… rooster into your profile. You know what the average geek girl does with a profile full of innuendo? We laugh at you and then move on to someone who can make smarter jokes.

• I am very funny and there is no way that my date will be bored of my presence.

I am so relieved! Please sir, entertain me with your amazing sense of humor. (The rest of his profile – not at all funny.)

• I’m well read, well traveled, well educated, and well mannered. I’m not overly arrogant…

Is any arrogance a good thing?

• Most people say I’m witty and a lot of them don’t get my sarcasm… Perhaps I’m just too…clever!

Perhaps nobody laughs because you’re not funny. Again, the rest of his profile… not at all funny.

• I get my spa manicures and spa pedicures.

This is generally not something you want to advertise. If it comes up later, once we know you, that’s fine. But it’s a tad odd to imagine you soaking your feet at the Pretty Nails Spa…

How Do I Fix My Dating Profile?

Again, the cockiness is something that can be found and rewritten in a way that is less cocky.  You can brag about your awesome job, but do it in a way that is interesting and fun, rather than making it seem that you’re a god among men. You can talk about your level of fitness, but in a way that shows how you enjoy your active lifestyle, rather than listing off the weights you can pick up and put down. There are even ways to allude to the fact that you’re stinkin’ rich without having to say it directly. It just takes a few minutes of time and a few edits to make your profile shine for the right reasons.

Confused on how to make all of these things work for you? I will be glad to help you sort out your profile so it gets the right kind of attention. Check out some of our services here.

Happy Dating, Geek Friends!

This post was originally published on 16 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

Do you want a girlfriend, or someone to sit on the couch while you play video games all weekend?

Last week, we looked into how being Captain Obvious was making your dating profile ho-hum and boring (and ultimately, making you seem not worthy of attention or emails).

Today, we delve into more men’s match.com profiles to show a totally different epidemic: guys who are on dating sites but have profiles that make it seem like they really don’t care if they get a girlfriend.

Remember, these are quotes from the profiles of guys who are looking for a geek girl like me – a late 20s/early 30s, educated, professional woman.

“I like the idea of a girlfriend, but not the work involved in getting (or keeping) one.”

• “tell u later” <– for just about every question
• “just checking this site out…see what kind of women are in here..”
• “I am not sure who I want to meet here.”
• “I’ll have to update this later…” <– he signed up 3 months ago, when is “later?”

“That guy” likes the idea of raking in the women, but not enough to put in the work to fill out his profile or articulate what he wants. To the ladies, this says, “I’m hoping my picture is hot enough that I won’t need to say much.”

“I can’t communicate well…”

• “Well it is really hard to describe myself..”
• “Let’s see what I can say about myself…”
• “It says I have to write 200 characters, so…”
• “I was lazy and didn’t write much, but luv to hear from ya”
• “I am running out of things to say about myself”

Lines like these are kryptonite to women, especially those of us who have been in a relationship with a guy who didn’t express his thoughts and feelings until it was too late.

You may think that you’re being shy or that people will forgive you for not being able to write a profile, but you’re wrong. Unless you’re White Court Vampire hot or John Marcone rich, you’ll get skipped over. Your emails will get ignored and deleted.

What’s A Guy To Do?

Fill out your profile!

Now, the myth here is that you need to fill out every single text area of your profile with a paragraph. Actually, you don’t. Guys can get away with a profile of as few as 250 words, as long as they’re the right words. Be clear about who you are, what you value, what your passions are, and the type of person you’d like to meet. Delete anything that looks remotely like the sentences I listed above.  Then you’ll be on the right track for sending the message: “I’m here and I’m ready for you!”

Happy dating, geek friends.

This post was originally published on 15 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

The unfortunate thing about most people is that they don’t bother to check out what the profiles of other people like them say. Let’s make a trip to match.com and look at some men’s profiles. No guys, this won’t make you gay. In fact, if you hide your profile and then search, nobody will know but you.

I’m looking for things that guys write again and again in their profiles. Things that make girls (especially geek girls) roll their eyes and move on to another guy.

For purposes of this article, I have done a Reverse Search on match.com. This type of search allows me to see the profiles of men who are interested in girls like me – late20s/early30s, educated, professional women.

Enter Captain Obvious

• “I’m down-to-earth and laid back”

If I had a nickel for every profile with a variation on that sentence, I would be a rich geek girl. This is a case of “show, don’t tell.” If you are down-to-earth, describe a situation in which you were the calm in the center of a storm. If you are laid back, describe the stress of your job and how it just rolls off you like a duck in a rain shower.

• “I’m kind of tired of the bar scene”

Yes, and we’re tired of hearing you say it. What will you NEVER tire of, ever? Could you watch your DVDs of Firefly until they spontaneously combust in your DVD player? Do you love your nightly walk around the lake? These kinds of details are what will excite us and make us want to contact you. If you’re tired of it, why do we need to know?

• “Looking to meet a good looking woman with a great personality to have a great time.”

…as opposed to looking for a woman who fell out of the Ugly Tree, has anger management problems, and will beat the life out of you? Again, Captain Obvious strikes. If you want better results than him, you need to be more specific.

• “Enjoy traveling and spending time with family and good friends.”

Where do you travel? Why do you like it there? What do you do with your family? Any cool family traditions or legendary tales of escapades with your friends?

• “I want to find someone who can enjoy themselves doing pretty much anything and is a kind good person.”

Vague, vague, vague. Here’s a good place where you can be specific. “I want a girl who can make waiting in line for a rollercoaster more entertaining than the ride. She’s the girl who plays the claw machine just so she can give the toy she wins to the nearest kid.” These are anecdotes that don’t pinpoint a specific PERSON, but help define the character traits you value.

Go From Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome

The move from Captain Obvious to Captain Awesome is all in the details. I’ve given you some examples above. Go through your profile and pinpoint the things in it that scream “Durrr.” Then ask yourself, “What’s a concrete example of this?” or “What’s a story about my life I can tell that shows this quality?” Delete the old stuff and write in the newer, more concrete, more awesomely YOU stuff. Then watch the emails roll in.

Happy dating, geek friends.

This post was originally published on 14 March 2008. It’s been extensively edited and updated, just for you. Enjoy!

Dear Anon-O-Box,

It is mentioned in several places that women on dating sites are inundated with emails and (ugh) winks. I don’t seem to suffer from this problem. I get absolutely no response; emails, winks, rotten tomatoes or otherwise. Not even creeps or scammers bother me.

I have a picture (it isn’t the greatest, but I don’t look like a swamp beast), and a passing grasp of the English language. And those are just the basic qualifications!

What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Single Female Dallasite

e answers:

Dear SFD,

Hmmmm… well, you’ve certainly given me a bit of a stumper. Without looking at your actual profile, all I can do is make some random guesses. Let me put on my Miss Cleo outfit and my best faux-Jamaican accent and try to predict some of the things you may be doing wrong…  and like a real psychic, maybe I’ll hit on a fact or two!

*crystal ball*

“I have a picture”

This statement leads me to believe that you have “a” picture on your profile, as in… ONE picture. I really hope this isn’t the case. You see, guys have noticed that profiles with only one picture tend to be scammer profiles. Especially if the woman is attractive. You say you’re not a swamp beast, which probably means you’re somewhat pleasant to the eye and attractive in the eyes of a subsection of the male population. Thus, guys who are attracted to that one picture may feel worried that you’re a scammer.

The alternative worry (and the one my male clients bring up to me frequently when they find a one-picture profile) is this:

“What if this is the ONLY good picture of her? She must be some sort of swamp beast if there’s only ONE good picture of her, right? I don’t want to email her saying I’m interested and then have to eat my words if she sends more pics and she’s totally a swamp beast.”

When given the choice of ignoring you or possibly hurting your feelings down the road, the majority of men will choose to ignore you. Give them everything they need to make an informed decision.

Moral: If you’re not a swamp beast and not a scammer, put up more than one photo. Four is the magic number: One face, one full body, one activity/travel shot and one of your choice.

“I don’t look like a swamp beast”

We’ve all gone the self-deprecating route, myself included. It’s a game we all play, in hopes that our friends will give us a little ego boost. We’ve all gone fishing for compliments and most of the time, we’ve succeeded.

But just like you shouldn’t write to a potential employer with the attitude of, “I’m not the worst accountant you’ve ever seen…” you shouldn’t go into online dating likening your appearance to slightly above a monster from a B-grade horror flick.

Whether you voice that opinion directly or not, it colors your writing. It makes little changes in the spirit of your profile and nudges the reader into thinking that you don’t think very highly of yourself.

When given the choice of a woman who projects self-worth and one who doesn’t, the majority of men will go with the more positive choice. Nobody wants to spend a relationship having to constantly boost the other person’s ego.

Moral: Focus on what you are and what you do well. Get rid of the negatives, the not’s, the no’s, the don’t's.

The inundation, not every girl gets it

While the average woman receives exponentially more emails than the average man, not every woman is going to suffer from a perpetually full inbox.  I certainly didn’t. While I got my share of first contact emails, there were times when my mailbox was a bit lonely.

What did I do? I went out looking for profiles of men that interested me and I emailed them.

The men who replied almost always expressed surprise to have received a first contact email and said they hardly ever have women email them first. Want to stand out as a single woman online? Email guys first.

Moral: If you’re not receiving emails, start sending them.

How’d Miss Cleo Do?

SFD, if you’re feeling brave enough to post a link to your profile below, maybe we can all help you improve it a bit. Or hey, maybe the perfect Dallas gentleman will be reading this article… you never know!

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I’m a straight male with a submission fetish. Ideally, I’d like to find a lady who’s willing to explore it with me, but it seems a bit tawdry to put on my OKCupid page, for example. Do I just need to roll the dice and wait to get to know my dates before asking them if they’d be cool with it? Or is there a way I can be more upfront about it without it being an utter turnoff?

- Fetish Guy

Dear Fetish Guy,

I’d like to begin by commending you on your ability to state your game and have no qualms with doing so. As progressed as our society has become, I fear we are still in a sexual dark age. While it is mostly frowned upon to parade around in full-body latex, wield a riding crop and punish a very bad boy for not saying “please mistress,” it is generally not seen as a terrible thing to have some sort of fetish. Particularly control based fetishes, which are fairly common. Believe me when I say: you are not alone!

It is the submissive that has the true power; for he is the one saying “dominate me.”

Writing an online profile is often a daunting task (believe us, we do it for a living). We recognize it is the first impression we make and are often afraid to scare people off by admitting something as “weird” as a fetish.

However, there’s nothing keeping you from making two first impressions. While I don’t believe that your fetish is too “tawdry” for OKCupid of all places, if you feel that you must keep this part of yourself separate, why not have a second profile? You could even make one without a photo, saying that you would gladly share it with a Domme who asks.

You can also seek out dating sites that are tailored to less “mainstream” tastes. There are plenty of adult dating sites, both national and regional, to choose from. I’ve been active on several and have made some good friends through them.

Whether or not you are upfront about your secret desires, there is always the risk that the relationship is not going to work out, even if you find your domina. Begin by asking yourself what it is you really want. If you just want to explore your fetish with no strings attached, then put it on your profile. If you want a lasting relationship, one way or another, you need to find a partner who is good, game, giving and therefore willing to explore with you.

Happy hunting!

Have a question for Sometimes Y? Submit it anonymously through our Contact Us page. Click here.

Dating Doctor Clinic

The folks who came for the Dating Doctor Clinic were great people.  I loved talking with each and every one of them and hearing their dating stories, and I hope I gave each of them some useful suggestions for making their dating lives better.

Improvements for 2011: I’d like to have all the Dating Doctor sessions in my own hotel. Even if it ends up being in a corner of the lobby.  I couldn’t get internet in the other hotels the event was placed in, which prevented me from giving instant feedback on dating profiles like I would have liked to do. Since I paid $10/day for internet at the Hyatt, I could have easily done everything I wanted right here at “home.”

Geek’s Guide to Online Dating Success Seminar

This one was fun! It reminded me of being a teacher (but without all the red tape and Dept of Education BS).  I had my borrowed pico projector and my iPod to project my PowerPoint slides, most of which were hilarious photos that people have put on their dating profiles. I find it’s always best to teach by (horrible!) example.

The “class” also got a special worksheet that will help them write a magnetically attractive online dating profile, step by step. This worksheet is a sneak peek of something that will be expanded and included in my upcoming ebook. (OMG SPOILERZ!)

Improvements for 2011:  Actually, I think this one went pretty darn well!

Speed Dating

WOW, was this fun! Once on-site registration opened, the ladies’ tickets started selling quickly! Guys’ tickets stayed at capacity due to folks on the Watch List snatching up returned ones immediately. By the time the event started, I was seeing 17 female tickets and 20 male tickets sold.

Many thanks to StupidRanger (& Dante!) for helping me run everything – you rock.

The event’s official start time was 9:00, but due to The House being further away than the other hotels, we waited and kept signing in daters until 9:20.  At that point, we were actually SHORT GUYS! Yes, you read that correctly – we had 3 more women than we had men at 9:20.  Luckily, we had guys with generics who were able to hop in and fill those spots.

Each date was approximately 4 minutes. I had a party horn that I blew to signal the time to switch, and I often heard one or two “Awwwww“s when the horn sounded, as if folks were reluctant to leave that particular table. Pretty sweet.

In the end, we had 15 guys and 15 girls participate in the event. Every person came away with at least 1 mutual match. One guy ended up with NINE.  (I’m not sure what he was saying on his “dates,” but it must have been awesome!)  The morning after the event, I emailed each speed dater with the contact information of their mutual matches and any notes they had jotted down about the person on their note sheet. I’m hoping some of them are able to meet up again before they leave Indy!

Improvements for 2011:

• Little things: Better lighting for tables (bigger candles or small desk lamps?). Handouts/etc pre-stapled into packets for faster registration. BIG NUMBERS on nametags in bold Sharpie for easier ID of “dates.” Having people TYPE their email address into the sign-in. Twice.
• Reminder on the email at registration that if you show up after 9:15, your spot will not be waiting for you. (There was really no way to throw in extra guys at that point without totally messing up the system and lengthening the event past 11 pm.)
• TWO Speed Dating nights – one for ages 21-35, the other for ages 30+.  (Yes, if you’re in the gap, you could come to both.)
• LGBT/Alt. Lifestyles Board Gaming Mixer – As the alternative to speed dating for our LGBT/Other friends, I’m hoping to get a room with 6+ game tables and a bunch of 10-20 minute games. People can pop in and out, meet folks and play games in a casual atmosphere.  (Maybe somewhere near a hotel bar?)

Final Thoughts…

Words can’t describe how happy I am at how things went at GenCon this year. Many thanks to Marian from GenCon’s events staff and Karen from the Crowne Plaza (where speed dating was hosted).

I’m really pleased with all the events and can already see how I’m going to make them even better in 2011.  If you have any suggestions or comments you’d like to share, feel free (especially if you attended an event this year!). I am utterly exhausted (as any introvert can tell you, having to be “ON” all weekend is hard!), but totally warm & fuzzy about how the geek dating events have gone at GenCon 2010.

Hooray for geek love!

The image of a near-30-year-old woman riding her cart full of groceries was a total hit. When men wrote me, they almost always mentioned how that image stuck in their heads. Some admitted that my profile stood out above the others for some reason they couldn’t quite put their fingers on.

There was something about Shopping Cart Girl.

This begs the question…

What about your dating profile is memorable?

Being on the dating scene for a while means you’ve read a lot of profiles. A lot.

Even if the typical woman isn’t going to write a first contact email (or in some cases, even wink), you’d better believe she’s flipped through a lot of profiles looking for that elusive Mr. Right.

And after a while, they all start to look the same. This guy’s a little shorter, that guy’s got a bit more hair, this one’s a perpetual student, that one’s a banker. But really, they’re all the same guy. The guy with friends who don’t understand why he’s still single. The guy who likes a night out on the town or one watching DVDs on the couch. The guy who likes his job, but mostly for the paycheck.

Sound like you?  Yeah, sounds like everyone.

When faced with a list of near-clones, how does a girl decide which one gets to be the potential sperm donor?

Easy. She doesn’t.

Tell a great story that desperately needs a new character

I’m the girl who rides her shopping cart across the parking lot, even if people look at me funny. I’m looking for a guy who groks that. Oh, and one who will gladly burn dinner with me while attempting to cook things with the food we just bought.

What’s your story?

• Are you the guy who has a garden full of delicious tomatoes but can’t grow basil to save his life? How are you ever going to make homemade spaghetti sauce?
• Or maybe the guy who can’t have a pet because of his allergic roommate, so volunteers at the animal shelter to get his fix?
• Perhaps you’re the guy who loves the very “unmanly” sport of softball and spends his afternoons coaching at a local high school?
• Did a toddler once reach out for your bald head and say, “ooooh, shiny!” and now you’re looking for a woman who appreciates its fleshy luminescence?

See where I’m going here?

What’s your unique and interesting calling card? It doesn’t have to be something that happens all the time. I certainly had days when I was too preoccupied to ride my shopping cart to my car. It can be a one-time occurrence (like the bald head story), that just totally made you laugh.

Mind the gap

I feel I have to mention this for some people. “Some people” may not include you.

There is a line between “funny/catchy/unique story” and “OMG, WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?”

As always, beware of coming on too strong with sexual innuendo unless you’re on a site that caters to short-term and casual relationships.  Serial killer jokes are also a sure way to send the girls running (away). When in doubt, run your idea by some of your female friends. If they okay it, run it by a few not-so-close female friends. If it still passes the test, then put it up on your profile.

Wondering if your profile is memorable?

We’d love to review your current profile and give you pointers on how to make it more memorable and effective. We’ll tear it apart from top to bottom and give you real, constructive feedback that you can use to take it to the next level. Check out the Plastic d20 Package for more information.

Happy dating, geek friends!

(Ironically enough, if you’re a girl and you kiss your girlfriends at the bar, you’ll attract guys. Funny how that all works, isn’t it?)

There’s a great Best of Craigslist posting entitled How to Meet Women — Advice from a Gay Man. In it, the author points out that the reason most straight men are horrible at approaching women is the reason why so many gay guys have tons of female friends.

Gay men don’t have the hang-ups about approaching women that straight men do. “We gay boys were simply relating to girls as equals — sharing stories, plotting fan clubs, and making scrapbooks.” Gay men approach a woman as an interesting person; straight men approach women as a possible mate and with all the hang-ups and insecurities related to her possible reaction to them. “The point is that your early relationships with girls rested on expectations that you had no right to form in the first place.”

Amen, gay boi. Amen.

I had an acquaintance in college who was never without a girlfriend. Ethan was one of those “Flavor of the Month” type guys – every time you saw him, a new girl was on his arm. He wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous and to be frank, he had the common sense of a block of concrete. Why did he always have a girl? His guy friends finally figured it out one day. A “normal” single guy only pursues a girl or two every month. Ethan, however, asked out just about every girl he met. It’s a numbers game.

As far as online dating, I know many guys who will look at a girl’s profile and say, “Oh, she’s too pretty, she wouldn’t like me.”   They’ll dismiss a girl who seems perfect for them because they are letting their insecurities dictate their actions. “She probably has tons of guys better looking than me emailing her.”

How do you know? She might not receive much email at all. She might have a thing for a guy with a fur sweater for a chest. She might think bald is sexy. (Mmmm.. Jean-Luc Picard.) You can’t assume her likes or dislikes based on her profile picture. (Now if she gets specific in the words in her profile, that’s another story!)

From the Craigslist post: My point is this — fear breeds inhibition in relationships, even the simplest conversation among people meeting for the first time. Overcome your fear and you will free your inhibitions. You might try thinking like we do — when we approach gorgeous women, we don’t expect sex, a kiss, or even conversation. We simply see a vibrant person who might be fun to talk to. Try anticipating nothing, expecting nothing, and then being surprised if something does happen. Trust me — it will work. It’s worked for all of my straight friends so far, in fact.

The best approach to online dating is to cast your net wide. Send a personalized first contact email to all women who pique your interest. Worst case scenario – you hear nothing back or get a polite “No Thanks” email. What have you lost? Nothing. What have you gained? Out of the 20 women that you email, there may be one or two who are interested in you and will write you back.

Is your approach to dating not working for you? You’re not alone. I troubleshoot a lot of common dating problems in my ebook: You Geek, They Grok: A Geek’s Guide to Leveling Up Your Online Dating Game. Click here to check it out.

This post was originally published on February 28, 2008 and has been modified and updated.

Maybe someone who could write your profile, search for matches for you, help you write those pesky first contact emails, tell you exactly what to reply and when to pop the “how about dinner?” question…

Wouldn’t that be awesome?

We’re nearly to the year MMX, and I wanted to give out a very special prize to one lucky geek as a way of saying THANK YOU for all the fun and fellowship we’ve had in 2009.

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• “Freshen Up” profile edits
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• Free membership in GeekMMM!

There’s one catch…

You must be a member of GeekMMM to win.

What’s GeekMMM?

• It’s short for the Geek Monthly Matchmaking Mailer!
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Be registered for GeekMMM before 2010 arrives for the east coast of the USA. A winner will be rolled for using random.org and matched with their number in the GeekMMM database. The winner will be contacted via their GeekMMM email and announced on the blog in early 2010.

Already a member? Awesome, you’re entered. Sit back and enjoy your holidays.

Not a member yet? Better get on it!

Good luck!