I will add there’s another possible reason why that guy hasn’t moved forward: he’s petrified that you’ll reject him. (Still.) I have clients who will exchange several emails with a girl and it’s obvious that she’s digging him but they’ll still be afraid to make the next move.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, guys. Be brave!

I get a lot of emails and tweets from people engaged in a “Woe is Me” pity party about how they’re forever single and nobody – “and I mean nobody” – wants to date them. Being a believer in “Life is what you make it,” I hereby offer the following slap in the face to wake you up if you’re one of those people.

If you DO NOT WANT(!) a slap in the face, please click here.

5 Gosh-Honest Reasons Why Your Dating Life Sucks

1. You don’t have a social life.

If your idea of a social life is chatting with coworkers by day and your WoW guildies by night, then it’s no shocker that you’re not meeting anyone who could be a potential romantic partner. While it is true that people dip their pens in the company ink, it’s generally a very bad idea. And yes, people do occasionally meet the love of their lives via WoW or Xbox Live, but these stories are few and far between.

The Fix: Find an activity that gets you out of your house at least once a week.  Join a Meetup group on a subject that interests you, take a dance class (most social dance classes – swing, salsa, etc – do not require you to have a partner!), take an adult education class at a local community college or learning center.

2. Your expectations, well, they’re a bit too lofty.

We all have dreams of meeting someone who looks like our favorite movie star or has a chiseled, god/dess like physique. And of course, they’ll be well-educated, extremely bright (but not smarter than us), wealthy (but only within certain parameters), and always smell like the dew from a Spring flower. Anyone missing even one of those qualities just isn’t good enough.

The Fix: The next time you want to reject someone, think about the exact reason why you’re rejecting them. I’ve worked with lots of single guys and seen them reject woman after woman after woman for petty reasons:

• “Her eyes are too close together.”
• “She’s too tall. Tall women make me uncomfortable.”
• “Her arm hair looks a little dark.”
• “She makes more than I do.”
• “She’s too lovey-dovey about her family.”

Really? You’re about to dismiss an entire person for that one little thing?  There’s a whole list of similar reasons why a woman could reject you – but you’d be the first to pipe up and complain if she admitted to one of them. Be a little more open-minded, give people a chance and you’ll find you like some of these people more than you’d expect.

3. You’re throwing a pity party.

Do you know what’s totally not sexy? Someone who is constantly down on himself. Pity party organizers are always looking at life as if it is drenched in piss and vinegar. No matter what is going on, they’re going to find a way to spin it so it looks horrible.  They’re exactly the opposite of a good public relations professional.

The worst part about you, pity partier? You always LOOK like you need help, you’re always SOLICITING help, but you don’t actually WANT the help. You just want to get people’s advice and then use that as reasons why it’s just “too hard” to get in the dating game.

The Fix: Sadly, most pity partiers don’t leave the party until they realize they’ve driven away absolutely everyone in their life. If you recognize yourself as a pity party attendee, don’t just get help, TAKE IT.

4. You don’t want to work on yourself.

Take an honest look at yourself – your body, your clothes, your hygiene, your career, your social life, your attitude. Would you want to date you? If there are parts of your life that you don’t like, how can you expect another person to fall in love with you?

Now, realize this is coming from a curvy girl, and by curvy I do mean fat.  But y’know what? I’m fat-tastic. I love who I am for so many more reasons and I’m working on my healthstyle and losing weight slowly but surely. I consider myself to be lucky and blessed to have the life I do and the people who are in it.

The Fix: If you’re not happy where you are or with who you are, the only person who can change that is you. You can find people to help you along the journey (like how Darya coaches me on eating better), but the drive to be a better person each day has to come from inside you. Do what you need to do to love yourself and you’ll put out a glow that will draw the right people into your life.

5. You expect dates to come to you.

So many guys expect that they’ll put a profile and some photos up on a dating site and women will come to them. Sadly, this isn’t how it works. The only people who have it work that way are conventionally attractive women and (to a certain extent) gay guys. If you’re an average-looking girl or a straight guy, you’re going to have to do some legwork for online dating to work for you.

The Fix: Be sure you have an engaging, well-written profile and recent, quality photos.  Set up your custom searches, find ten people a week who really interest you and write them personalized first contact emails that are short and sweet and invite a reply. You will get rejected by lots of people (no matter what you look like), but all you need is the one perfect person for you to say yes.

No excuses, geek friends. If your dating life sucks, there are things that you can do about it. Now get working!

I’m going to probably say some very unpopular things in this post, but understand they come from a place of love.  They also come from a place that I understand from my own personal love life.  I’ve been in that place where I was getting no dates despite emailing tons of guys.

Online Dating Autopsy

1. Pick apart your profile.  When was the last time you updated it? Does it have any red flags?
2. Pick apart your sent emails.  Are you sending out quality first contact emails have you slipped into cut-n-paste?
3. Look for clues. When you get a “no thanks” email, does it specify why they are not interested?  Can you discover a pattern?
4. Tried everything? Have you tried a different dating site? Some people do well with match.com, while others find nothing and get way more dates with OkCupid.  It’s something you need to explore if you haven’t yet.
5. Take a break. Pull down your profile, suspend your account, and take a breather from online dating for a month or two.  Come back refreshed and ready to start anew.

The Hard Part – The YOU Autopsy

You’re not dead, but there’s a chance that there’s something about you that is killing your chances of getting a date.  To show you that I’m totally not victim-blaming here, I’ll list the various reasons why I get rejected:

• Too fat: I’m a curvy girl and have always battled with weight.
• Extremely casual dresser: My sense of fashion pretty much includes anything: that fits, is comfortable, has witty/geek words on it.
• Clean, but not done up:  My hair routine involves a brush and I rarely wear much makeup.  I can go from morning alarm to out the door in less than a half hour.
• Spiritual, not religious: I don’t subscribe to a religion, though in the past have been Catholic, Christian, Wiccan, and Pagan.
• Starving artist: Even when I am working, it tends to be in positions that others don’t see as “real” jobs.
• Liberal: Although I have an extreme distaste for politics, my personal beliefs about the way the world should work lean toward the liberal side.
• Cat lady: I have two beautiful furbabies and they aren’t going anywhere.  Love me, tolerate my cats.

Profile Changes vs. Life Changes

Now, there are things on that list that won’t ever change about me.  I’m not going to change my spiritual or “political” beliefs and I’m certainly not going to give up my kitties.

But these are things that don’t need to be front and center on my dating profile.  There may be men who don’t mind cats, but assume that women who mention cats in their profile are crazy cat ladies like their ex.   Or they may be under the mistaken assumption that anyone who is Pagan worships Satan.  Withholding that information about yourself isn’t lying – it’s simply avoiding misinterpretation and preemptive rejection.

There are other things in my rejection list that I wish I could do better.  For example, I’m working on improving my healthstyle and losing weight.  If I had a dating profile, I would mention my kitchen experiments involving new and exciting vegetables.

Looking at my profile pictures, I might want to get some that involved me in some of my “dressier” outfits and maybe even a couple with makeup on.  Now, not ALL of them should be like that – it’s false advertising, after all! – but having a few in that vein would help to show that I clean up nice when I do it.

In The Meantime…

You’re improving yourself for yourself first.  The fun side benefit is that you’ll be more attractive to others.  If you do it the wrong way around, you’ll hate every minute of it and you’ll never be successful at the improvement or the dating.  It kills your joy for life.

That being said, don’t put off your dating life until you’ve lost weight / gotten a better job / moved out of mom’s house, etc.  Life is NOW, so live it no matter what shape you’re in!  Don’t wait for happiness to find you – create it yourself.

(Not that kind of fantasy.  Seriously.)

(No, not the kind of fantasy with elves and dragons either.)

Let’s imagine what online dating would be like if writing a “Thanks, but no thanks” email were a requirement, rather than an option.

But first, let’s examine the current system and why it can really suck.

Reality:  No Thanks is Optional, Ignoring Frequent

On the majority of online dating websites, you owe a person absolutely nothing if they send you an email.  You don’t have to write back.  (It’s nice to write back, but not required.)  You can totally ignore them, hit the delete key, and be on with your life.

With some paid dating services that allow non-subscribers to post profiles, the person won’t even know that you received the email.  (That is, unless they pay the extra few dollars a month to get the Email Read feature.)

Reality: Some Sites Are Nudging Members To Do The Right Thing

Here’s where I give props to OkCupid.  Yeah, I’ve had issues with them in the past, but after talking to their co-founder and watching how their site has grown and evolved, I’m changing my tune about this quasi-free site.

OkCupid publicizes whether or not you reply to first contact emails.  Right under your profile on the search results page there is a line that tells everyone how polite you are:

Green: replies often

Orange: replies selectively

Red: replies very selectively

Now, before emailing someone, you can pretty much know what your chances are of getting a reply.  Perhaps it’s not wise to waste lots of time writing red people?

Reality:  Matchmaking Type Sites Require Closing Matches

On some of the matchmaking style sites, you have to “close” matches that you aren’t interested in.  Usually when closing, you need to select a reason.  Whether that reason is BS or not depends on you.

Fantasy: What If You HAD To Reply?

We’re adults here, but let’s be honest, a lot of people act like children online.  But let’s just entertain for a moment that all online dating sites required you to reply to every email.

You could select from stock responses or craft your own, but there wouldn’t be an “Other” or similar cop-out answer.  If you got to 5 emails with no replies, your account would be frozen and your profile hidden until you took care of your inbox properly.

How might this change the face of online dating as we know it?

Positive

• Fewer people would sign up “just for fun” (or at least, their profiles wouldn’t last very long).
• Everyone would get closure for every email they send.
• The 2:00 a.m. fit of desperation in which you send the same cut-n-paste email to everything with your preferred genitalia in the tri-state region just in hopes of getting one reply would be a thing of the past.
• You could wait to hear back from one set of emails before mailing out the next, removing the anxiety about having too many potential dates (seriously, it happens!).
• There could be an option to forward the email to customer service rather than replying if the email was spam and/or pornographic in nature, thus speeding up the process of getting the bad guys removed.
• As a dater, you would have constant feedback about your profile and pictures.  You can learn a lot from rejection and change your profile, pictures, or email style to achieve better results.

Negative

• Fewer people would sign up for online dating, citing fear of having to reject other people.  (Even though the current system of never knowing can be pretty cruel.)
• You would have to take the time to reply to everyone.  (But seriously, if it’s as easy as pulling down a drop-down menu and selecting a canned response?)
• As a dater, you would have constant feedback.  Some people can’t take constant feedback.  Some people would rather hear nothing than be told “I’m sorry, you’re too young/fat/Republican/edumacated/blond/geeky for me.“

What do you think?

Is the online dating system okay as-is or would you like to see more sites requiring responses to emails or publicizing response rates on profiles?

Update: Check out this response by Moxie, another dating blogger.

Any advice on starting/escalating something via Twitter? Lots of back and forth but not DMs and we’re in different states. Never thought about it as a possibility, but something feels clicky.

- Tweet, Tweet Love or Keyboard Error?

Dear Tweet Love,

Sounds like you’ve been having a lot of fun in the Twitterverse!  Good for you!

So what should you do about this love interest?

From your description, it seems that you have a good rapport via Twitter thus far.  If you’re bantering back and forth all day, it’s a pretty good sign that the other party likes you.

Now… that could just mean that they like you as a conversation partner.  There are plenty of people of the opposite sex that I chat with all day that I would never consider dating.

If you’re really interested in this person as a romantic possibility, I’d start out by sending a couple DMs and see if they respond.   If things seem to be going smoothly, drop in your IM handle(s) and mention that it would be nice to chat without the 140 character limit.  See if they take the bait.

Beyond that, keep on developing your friendship with this person.  Since a great romantic relationship has a foundation in a great friendship, you’ll end up with a great friend whether things pan out or not.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Why do online dating help services exist?”

“Isn’t online dating useless?  Those success stories are 1 in a million and won’t happen to me.”

“Am I a horrible, sad, maladjusted person to need to hire E to help me find love?”

…then read on!

Statistics and “Results Not Typical”

Clips from the actual “hate” email are in green.

Your website, your service, it offends me. Or a better word is that it depresses me.

I don’t mean to say that YOU personally invoke this feeling, but that the existence of your service hurts my heart. While I have never seen any statistical data to show one way or the other, I do not believe that online dating is successful; it’s at best like playing the lottery. Success stories are the outlier.

I’m here to tell you that statistics don’t matter.   Why?  Let me tell you in the context of something I know a lot about – WeightWatchers.

If you think of the amount of people who join WeightWatchers in an average year (most of them right after January 1st), it’s a huge number.   But if you compare that number with the number of people who reach their goal weight and maintain it, it’s a horrible success rate.

In fact, if you read any success stories on WeightWatchers.com, there’s a tiny byline that says “Results not typical.”

HOWEVER – There’s a reason for that.  Is it that WeightWatchers program doesn’t work?  Nope.  It’s because the TYPICAL person who signs up for WeightWatchers goes for a few months, loses 10 pounds, starts skipping meetings, gains weight, and finally quits.

The TYPICAL person who does online dating writes a boring, vague, or downright awful dating profile.  They post pictures that are either too old or that send the wrong message.  They don’t actively try to be successful.  They sit on their rump and hope that their shoddy profile puts out a bat signal strong enough to draw in their perfect match.

Or they go balls to the wall for a month and write tons of emails.  Then they get upset at the low return rate, so they start doing cut-n-paste emails, which gets them an even worse return rate.  Then they finally quit, blaming the system for failing them, when in reality, they failed to use the system to their benefit.

If you’ve ever read Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, you’ll know that an outlier is successful because of the opportunities they are afforded in their life.   As a member of our technology-driven society, you have the opportunity to use online dating as a tool to find the love of your life.  [If you haven't read Outliers, you simply must.  It's amazing.]

Can’t Buy Me Love

So I feel it takes advantage of lonely, socially-underdeveloped men who think they can find love online. That your service gives an implicit promise of success in romance. I feel that it is leading them on while taking their money. It saddens me that this service EXISTS because there is a desire for it, that there are men out there experiencing the need so much that they have to pay for Help.

There are men and women paying for similar services and they’ve been doing so long before I entered the market.   Check out some of the big dogs like E-Cyrano (aka Evan Marc Katz) or ProfileHelper.   What I’ve done is carved out a niche helping geeks, because geeks are my people.  I am a geek and I understand geeks.

I can’t make promises that people will get more dates, but it’s certainly a possibility.  It has been a reality for many of my clients.

I’m not leading people on thinking they’re going to find love any more than WeightWatchers leads people on thinking they’re going to lose weight or IHOP leads people on that they’re going to Come Hungry, Leave Happy.

It’s up to you as a consumer to evaluate the product or service based on your individual personality and needs.   If you hate IHOP’s service, you probably won’t Leave Happy.   If you can’t commit to new eating habits, you won’t be a WeightWatchers success story.   If you’re bitter and jaded about romance, the best dating profile in the world might get you a first date, but not lasting love.

Admitting Weakness Isn’t Easy

And at the same time, I myself am depressed because I too want your service. I am too prideful, too cheap, and too pessimistic about online dating and my own chances to pay for the service to begin with, but I too am a lonely socially-underdeveloped man and I too am tempted by you. And that makes me feel shame. And reminds me of my own loneliness and the hopelessness of the situation, of the looking online, of the hours spent tearing myself up inside due to the lack of responses and the skimming of online sites, spinning my wheels.

For starters, don’t buy my services if you can’t afford it.  Seriously.  While your money pays my bills, I don’t want it at the expense of the other things in your life.

As for your shame, think about it this way:

• Would you feel shame for hiring a Realtor to help sell your house?
• Would you feel shame for hiring a copywriter to write the sales page for your business’ website?
• Would you feel shame for hiring a hairstylist to cut your hair and give you a new, sexy look?
• Would you feel shame for hiring a personal trainer to help you work out and get muscle definition?

It’s natural to feel a little shameful. Men in particular are taught in our society that asking for help denotes weakness of character.   So admitting that you’re not successful at finding a mate is a double blow to the ego.

However, we are a society.  In a society people with strengths in certain things offer their services to people who are not so good at those things.

If the idea of hiring a professional writer and fellow geek to help you put your best foot forward for online dating feels wrong to you, then read my archives, use the free information and give it a go that way first.

I don’t know why I told you any of that, or how I can justify it to myself. You, a stranger, a businesswoman, an individual, owe me no explanation and do not deserve to have strangers dump their accusations or emotional baggage on you (unless they are paying you, after all). You have the right to your own business, and there is clearly a market for it. I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you any of it. But I do.

You are right.  I didn’t owe you an explanation.  However, when one person raises some serious concerns, I know there are probably 20 others in the shadows wondering about similar things.   Thank you for the chance for me to help clarify and allay these concerns.

To all my readers, clients, and future clients:

I am in this business for the joy of helping the geek community.   I do this because I love to read and write.   I do this because I love talking with other geeks.   I do this because I get warm fuzzies every time a client says they’re having success with their new profile.  I do this for geek love!

If you’ve ever been to Vegas, you know it’s got a certain eerie charm to it.  The excitement, the expectation, the heightened emotion… You like it, but you don’t like it.

So what can Sin City teach us about online dating?  Plenty!

Sometimes, it’s all in the numbers.

Since you’re not having to physically approach each interesting woman, it’s acceptable and time-saving to email more than one at a time.  And heck, why stop with one dating service?  There might be some overlap, but it still increases the options.  Just make sure you put thought into each one, and don’t copy and paste!

If you sit at the slot machine longer, it doesn’t increase your chance of winning.

Ok, so maybe if you sit for hours… or months.  But by then the return isn’t nearly as much as what you invested.

Similarly, if you’re doing something wrong in online dating – the wrong message in your profile, an intimidating picture, or even the wrong site – it doesn’t matter how much time you spend winking and waiting.  A change in strategy is necessary.

That super hot girl who is too good to be true is probably an escort.

You may be scoping a girl from your own home, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible that someone could take advantage of you.  In matters of the heart, it’s important that you don’t lose your head.  Is she more interested in your yearly earnings than your favorite hobbies?  Being careful is not being paranoid.

Everything looks better at 2am.

It’s late, you’ve had a few drinks, and you’re looking for adventure.  There’s this one girl who’s interested, and her profile was giving you a creepy vibe earlier, but she’s looking better and better by the minute…

Stop!  Relationship choices are best made when you’re fully awake and clear-headed.  And while poor hookup choices might be the norm in Las Vegas, your decision to meet a girl locally could well have longer repercussions.  The internet isn’t completely anonymous, after all.

Sometimes you get a bad beat, but it’s just the nature of poker.

That girl who really seemed awesome might have gone on a great date the day before she got your email.  Another girl might not have updated her profile in months, and now she’s married.  Or maybe you two really hit it off online, but in person there was zero chemistry.  In the end, it’s a bit of a gamble.  These things happen, and rather than going on tilt you need to pick yourself up, keep a cool head, and try again.

What? No!

The Pick-Up Artist is a TV series that has had two seasons, thus far, on VH1.  The concept behind the show is that Mystery, a “seduction artist,” teaches “the art of the pick-up” to a group of (geeky) guys who are looking for love.   I started watching the show because the commercials promised geeks and makeovers, which are always fun.  I also wanted to see what Bizzaro world thought giant fuzzy hats and enormous runic necklaces were alluring.  (Never did figure that one out.) Soon, however, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth.

Many of the guys on the show, at their root, are looking for a relationship.  For a girlfriend.  The “art of seduction” has nothing to do with forming a relationship, or learning how to communicate with someone.

I guess you could say that it’s the contestants’ fault for signing up for the show in the first place, but these are guys who are historically bad with women, and looking for someone – anyone – to tell them what to do.

So, let’s see what they learn:

The main idea behind Mystery’s method - called, big surprise, the “Mystery Method” -  is that these guys, who inherently approach women with low self-esteem, need to level the playing field, as it were.  Not a bad idea; confidence is a turn-on.

However, how Mystery achieves a level playing field, more often than not, is through a trick he might have learned from a playground bully: build yourself up by tearing others down.

One of the most important concepts contestants have to master is the “neg,” a sort of backhanded complimenting designed to make their target more eager to get approval.  They also use prepackaged “funny stories” to open conversations, and specific techniques designed to subconsciously make their targets more receptive.

Many of the techniques are derived from tricks that people in sales and similar professions have used for years.  (I think I spotted some when I had to buy a car recently.) It’s just as cold, just as calculated.  And as these guys get results, they get put in a feedback loop, telling them that cold and calculated is the way to go.

If you’re at the point where you’re willing to try Mystery’s methods, you already typically have problems communicating with women.  Instead of focusing on the humanity of all involved, the Mystery Method perpetuates the concept of women as an “other,” an alien being that must be “handled” instead of understood.  And if you spend enough time insulting and manipulating a foreign being, it’s soon easy to think of them as something “less” than yourself.

If all you’re interested in is heartless sex, than sure, the Mystery Method might be something fun, a party trick to break out from time to time.  But the contestants – and the people that the Mystery Method targets – tend to be good guys who just want a meaningful relationship.  The Mystery Method will only bring them further away from their goal.

As for Mystery himself – I see him as an embittered guy who couldn’t relate meaningfully with other women.  Now he’s latched onto a 90′s fashion sensibility – probably what was popular when he first started out -   and surrounds himself with men in a little Lost Boys setup.  He doesn’t really like women, but he chases after girls because he feels powerful, like he’s gotten one over on them, if he succeeds.

Women who are more than their self-esteem issues see through dramatics and backhanded compliments.  And, incidentally, those are the kind of women worth pursuing.

So if you’re looking for love, fellow geeks, look for ways to relate, get closer.  Leave the cold pseudoscience of the Mystery Method at home.

It was not a picnic, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, thanks to an awesome geek.

A few years back, I went to see V for Vendetta with my college roommate and her guy.  I had been spending the day with Em, and the guy was due to meet us at the theater.  When we arrived, the theater was mostly empty, but shortly after we sat down two guys showed up and sat right behind us.

During the previews, it was almost like geek chat in stereo.   I’d whisper to Em (who isn’t keen on gore) that Silent Hill is a video game; two seconds later, I’d hear one of the guys behind us say “That’s a great game.”  After a few previews, one of the guys leaned up, between our seats.

“I just wanted to let you girls know that we won’t be talking like this through the movie,” he said.  Em and I assured him that it was fine, and for a few moments we chatted, all of us.  It wasn’t flirting, by any means; just a couple of minutes of geek comraderie that was fun.

Right as the movie started Em’s guy showed up.  There was a barely perceptible stirring.  I could almost feel the thought bubble looming above the seats behind me:

Darn! They aren’t two single girls after all.

After the movie, the guys asked us what we thought, and we said we’d liked it.  The stereo speak continued: as the credits rolled, I mentioned that I liked the song that was playing, and down ahead of me in the tunnel, I heard the one of the guys say “I need to get this soundtrack!”

We were out of the theater and down the hallway when we heard, “Wait!”

Then one of the guys asked me to lunch.

Now, I am one of those embarrassingly transparent people – I can’t lie if my life depended on it.  So it’s likely that my face was an interesting carousel of emotions, as my brain pretty much spasmed deciding on a course of action.

See, for one thing, I’m not used to being randomly approached by guys that aren’t, you know, friends first.  So there was the entire inability to handle the situation, first and foremost.  Chances are my mouth was hanging open.

Next, I was already with my guy – and even at that point, I knew he was destined to be My Guy for quite some time, preferably forever.

Making things even more awkward was the fact that the guy was totally the type I’d go for – cute in a bookish kind of way, clearly had similar interests already.  Did he make me rethink My Guy?  No, but had I been single I almost certainly would have given lunch a shot.

But how do you convey all this in a graceful way that doesn’t sound like an excuse?  I sat in stasis for who knows how long, probably with a moronic, pained look on my face, until the guy totally rescued me and said:

“…Or are you in a relationship?“

“Yes, I am,” I said, eternally grateful.  I might have added something lame, like “But I appreciate your asking,” but it’s kind of a blur.  To be honest, I was dizzy from the oxygen that decided to resume its course to my brain.   The bookish guy was totally cool about it, and probably glad that he was saved a lunch date from a total weirdo.

And let that be a lesson to all of you, in… something.

First, maybe that the girls you might be approaching aren’t any more skilled in giving the “right” answers on cue than you are, and in fact might be worse, so take pity.  Honestly, if I had been single, I might not have been any less awkward.

Second, that the occasional rejection often has nothing to do with you as a person, but more with mitigating circumstances.  Maybe there’s already a guy, like with me,  or maybe you look too similar to her brother.  I knew someone who dated a guy whose name rhymed with hers, and after that she swore never again, much to the dismay of many guys with a really common name.

Finally, no one ever wants to reject anyone, no matter the reason.  It sucks for all involved, and the fact that the guy was so cool about it made the situation much less terrible.  Sometimes I think of the Movie Theater Guy, and how classy he was, and I fervently hope that he found someone he deserves.

So if you’re out there, thank you, Movie Theater Guy, for being awesome.

You’ve followed all of my advice. You spiffed up your profile, you have good pictures posted, you’ve got your Custom Searches made, you’ve been spending 15 Smart Minutes a day reading profiles and writing emails, and what do you have to show for it?

Nada.

What gives? Here are the Top 10 reasons why she hasn’t responded to your email:

10. She doesn’t have a paid account.

• Seriously, there are a lot of girls who post a profile but don’t have paid accounts, so while they can see they have an email, they can’t read it.

9. She’s totally forgotten she has a match.com account or her life is hectic at the moment.

• You can check on her profile page to see when she last logged in. If it’s been more than two weeks, make a note of her username and check later to see if she’s returned.

8. She’s semi-seriously dating someone.

• It’s not so serious that she’d take the profile down, but serious enough that she’s taking a break from checking her email.

7. You clearly did not read her profile because your lifestyles clash.

• You work from 10 pm to 5 am, she works from 2 pm to 10 pm. You won’t even get to sleep at the same time!
• Your idea of a great time is white water rafting and she is the kind of girl who never gets her hair wet unless she’s in the shower.

6. Your email fast-forwarded to the future.

• Girls don’t want a marriage proposal in the first email, nor do they want to hear about the beautiful babies you would make together.

5. Your email implies that the only thing interesting about her is the fact that she is hot.

• Do we like compliments? Yes. Do we like being told we’re beautiful? Certainly! Is it creepy when we get emails that say, “U R hot. Email me.“? Yes.
• Instead of going that route, find something specific to compliment her about (beautiful hair, bright eyes, friendly smile), and then move on to talking about things she DOES, rather than is.

4. You have no pictures posted. Or, after viewing your pictures, she’s decided that you’re not her type.

• Take down the “myspace self-portraits” and the pictures of you with alcoholic drinks, other women, or your car.
• Clean up nice and have a friend snap some pictures of you in good lighting. One good picture is better than 6 mediocre ones.

3. You embody one of her deal-breakers.

• She is interested in men 25-35 and you are “a young 52.”
• She only wants to date other Christians and you are an atheist.
• You have two kids from a previous relationship and she doesn’t want children.

2. You sent the same cut-n-paste email to every girl and it’s THAT obvious.

• We can tell, you know. We can also tell when you use the same cut-n-paste email, but you paste in a few different words like an online dating email MadLib. Get creative and show us you really WANT to get to know us, will ya?

1. She doesn’t know why she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t.

• Girls are picky. Sorry!

Got a great profile and getting lots of initial contact but no lasting relationships? Why not hire a Geek Girl to perch on your shoulder and help you take those winks to the next level?